StrongEnuf

So... I opened my big mouth which started an argument with AH.... Then I just read the post about the Detatchment and realized that I really need to work on so much!

Detachment allows us to let go of our
obsession with another’s behavior and begin
to lead happier and more manageable lives,
lives with dignity and rights, lives guided by
a Power greater than ourselves. We can still
love the person without liking the behavior

As Monday was drawing to a close, I message AH and asked if he intended on drinking? I was giving those signs that he needed a drink, kids/life blah blah...... He asked "Why?" And then I felt it necessary to advise him that he had drank 6 out 7 days, not that he didn't realize that already!.... He lashed back at me and reminded me that I had not come home Saturday night (My reason for not going home was because he was drinking and I was not interested in fighting with him)... he said "So what, does that make 6 drinking nights for you and AN ALL NIGHTER!"

I detached from the conversation and told him I had to get back to work.

But I was furious! Seriously !!!!!! If he was paying attention to me at all, he would know that I DID NOT DRINK WITH HIM, he drank all by himself...well I was physically with him, but I did not drink with him for 6 days. I felt like I was in mirror room, just spinning in circles. Is he really that delusional? Does he really think that I am drinking with him all the time ? Maybe he thinks that since my kids are with him, they are drinking too ? Is that how this works ?

Ok so back to my problem - I need to learn how to keep my mouth shut. There was no relevance to whether he was planning on drinking that night, so why ask before there is a problem?

kmkluvr1

YES YES YES, detachment is so hard for me as well!! just started a fight with XABF, while exchanging our son yesterday, i had very good reason to believe he had been drinking and drove with our son to meet me. GGRRR, how i do i keep my mouth shut about something like that?! well that led to him throwing my keys in the bushes and kneeing me in the ribs and leg. Ugh, if i just would have said nothing, and left, but still that is no reason for him to act like a child! Sorry to go off about my own thing.

It is very hard to detach and keep your mouth shut, i just try to remember that with an alcoholic, drinking or not , but mostly while drinking, they will always be defensive, and only hear you attacking them, and in the end all it does is end up making ME upset and stressed out. What do i get out of it? a little bit of satisfaction that i can say "hey look i busted you once again...." not worth all the rest of crap that comes with it.

suki44883

I hope you have already, or plan to, report his physical assault, kmkluvr. It is NOT your fault that he physically abused you. Please don't let this go unreported.

StrongEnuf

Urgh - Sorry that happened to you... When it comes to my kids I will never keep my mouth shut, I would much rather take a knee to the gut than risk my kids life in the car with someone drunk. NOT that that is OK in any way.
But you should definitely make sure your meeting place is a little more in public if thats how he is going to treat you.

kmkluvr1

yes, he followed me driving crazy, and yelling for me to pull over (he had definantly been drinking) i drove straight to the police station, i dont have a cell phone or i would have called. filed a report and they asked if i wanted to press charges. i said yes. this isnt the first time and im sure it wouldn't be the last, i was never sacred of him but after our last fight that ended up seperating us for good, i am now. I also wanted to go further with a restraining order and child custody, but i think i will just leave at this and see where it goes. he isnt harrassing, or threating to take our child, and when he is sober, he would never to try to pull anything over me in regards to our child. I dont want to get ahead of myself, just handle this situation for what is it and let him take himself down. But that behavior is unacceptable and i have let him get away with it for too long. Thank you for yor concern, this is another step in the right direction.

kmkluvr1

strongenuf, ugh it was in front of my work! WTF all of the signs are there that i know for sure he had been drinking, we did have his mother doing all of the exchanges, and i broke down because i wanted to see if we could get along.......guess not. We will have to go back to her and I doing it all. What a loser...

pixilation

You need a cell phone kmkluvr. there is a net10/Tracfone out there that costs $10($30 for the net10 version, but it comes with $30 worth of minutes, the tracfone doesn't come with minutes) Very small amount to pay for some peace of mind. And is there a safe exchange place in your area? I would look into that.

Speaking of detachment, how do you let go of the expecting the alcoholic to at least supervise the children when you ask it of them? Yesterday I went outside to shovel(storm day, got 12 inches dumped on us in one night, and snowblower has a flat tire), and while I was out there, I asked AH to watch his children. I came in to find he was still staring at his video games, and youngest had gotten to my sewing box, so thread/needles/snaps, etc were dumped all over the floor. the sewing basket had been right next to AH. DS had also gotten to the newspaper so that was strewn all over the floor. I lost it, not only had I busted my back shoveling, but then to come in to find the mess, it was bad. I know my behavior was bad, but dang it..I shouldn't be shoveling anyway, but no one else would do it, and I needed to make sure I could get out of the driveway.

kmkluvr1

Pixilation is your AH disabled? none of that would have happend if he was doing what he should have been doing in the first place.........Shoveling the snow! ugh what kind of "man" doesnt do that for his wife? Oh yeah an alcoholic! sorry, just makes me mad.

pixilation

Well, he has an iffy back(different location, his is upper back, mine is lower back) but really, he uses it as his excuse. And if it doesn't benefit him in some way, he doesn't do it. He couldn't even be bothered to stop at the hard ware store while he ran to buy himself more pop/energy drinks(it's a $5 a day habit, the energy drinks) and inquire about a new tire for the snowblower, because he has an SUV and can get thru the snow. While I'm having to drive the POS work car he purchased, because he also won't get my van into the shop(nor leave enough money in the account so I could do it)

kmkluvr1

aint that the truth, it took 3 years to get mine to change the vacuum bag(lol i did it all the other times before), and he was huffin and puffin the whole time, what a wuss. but the point is they are the "men" of the house and should be doing those types of things, how is my son going to know what to do if his own daddy isnt even doing it.

StrongEnuf

Oh Boy ! ! ! What i would give to have a "MAN" in my house!!!!
Although I usually get an ego boost when I complete one of his projects!

Recent Example: We moved all 3 boys into the Master Bedroom in January (they needed more space) But the Master Bedroom had Floral Border... so i went on Ebay and bought a Skull Border that glows in the dark (My boys are Skateboarders) Anyway they came in the mail, and had been sitting on my desk for 2 months. Yesterday I got the energy and started peeling away the old floral border and putting up the new one. I was on the last wall and my arm was on fire (what a work out) AH stood behind me watching me (or maybe looking at my a$$) while I grunted in pain for the last 8 feet! And not ONCE did he offer to finish it ! And not once did I ask for his help ! He is a Stay At Home Dad, he has had plenty of time to do this project, or at the very least start it.... But I started it and I finished it. The flowers are Down, the Skulls are up ! The boys came home from school and AH lead them into the bedroom, and said "LOOK WHAT ME AND MOMMY DID TODAY"!!!!

I didn't even bother correcting him, because it would have been a fight. I mean he did HELP, he got me a new razor blade when the first one went dull after 2 hours of scraping.

StrongEnuf

FYI - I know being a stay home parent is a hard job. But I also know AH spends 4-6 hours a day on Facebook games I see his posts all day long

kmkluvr1

LOL, it does feel good to do things like that, but it just sucks that they dont take an intrest in activites like that with you, even if it is a lil hard work, it's for the kids. When the BBQ needed a part replaced, and the part sat around for a month, who finally did it? thats right me! Oh well his loss, me and the BBQ! Ahahahaha...

Cyranoak

...please be careful with that whole "man of the house" thing. When my folks separated my mom told me, a four year old, that I was now the man of the house. Looking back, it wasn't fair to me, it was way to much pressure, and it helped create the dynamic that led me to becoming the controlling, passive-aggressive, superman-complex driven man I became (and always looking for a ****ing Lois Lane).

Don't get me wrong, my mother is a great woman and is a great mother. I love her more than I can express and we are very close. However, she wasn't perfect, and this particular thing was a huge mistake on her part. Arguably the only one she ever made with me-- but it was a doozy.

On another note, and more to the topic of this post, I'm glad you understand that it was a really, really, really bad idea to text and ask about the drinking. Back in my resentful passive-aggressive days I did crap like that to my wife all the time, and always got the same result you did.

Well done on recognizing it. Now stop.

Take care, take what you want, and leave the rest.

Cyranaok

pixilation

See, I know better than to do that to my boys, I learned that during the first deployment I went thru. But, my oldest is 15, and could have easily helped out with the shoveling yesterday.

As an aside, 15yo did do it today, he got the snowblower fixed and finished up outside.

StrongEnuf

Thanks for the reality check Cryanoak. I know how small phrases from parents can leave a permanent mark on a child that follows them thru adulthood.

I try to remember that everyday