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Finally got it....

Old 03-24-2011, 06:20 AM
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Finally got it....

I found out yesterday that AH has relapsed in his addiction (probably drinking too) - and it's been going on for a while. He's working out of town this week and next and was so excited to leave, of course, so he could be free to do as he wants without me looking over his shoulder. Many things that have happened in the past few weeks make sense now. I just feel resigned at this point. My counselor, my friends, were right - he's not going to change. Don't know why I was holding on to that little shred of hope...but it's gone now. Everything he's told me has been lies on top of lies....all along. And to think I was absolutely heartbroken last weekend and seriously contemplating staying....

I met his sister for dinner last night and was having a good time until we started talking about him, at which point it became real obvious that she thinks I'm somehow to blame in all of this, am completely overreacting by divorcing him, and his family will "be here to pick up the pieces" after I leave and "take care of him" - he's just a helpless lost soul, poor guy. And of course he's going to relapse, with all this stress I'm putting on him! Well, good for them. I just nodded, kept my mouth shut and bid my farewell. There's nothing I can say to make them think differently and really, what's the point?

I'm glad I know what I do now. It makes everything about next week (divorce hearing and me leaving) a lot easier. I get it now. There's a bit of a sting (ya know, he loves his addictions more than he loves me), but I do know without a doubt that I didn't cause it and no way can I control it or cure it. Time to just let him go and move on.
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Old 03-24-2011, 06:27 AM
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It is hard but it will get easier. Stay strong, those were my exact words "he loves his addiction more than me" i know exactly how you feel. It is hard to understand.
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Old 03-24-2011, 06:32 AM
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Actually, it's good (as you realize) that this happened. I admire you greatly for not getting defensive with his sister. I had to deal with family members, too, and really, they are sorry to be losing the person who was keeping an eye on the alcoholic so they didn't have to.

Hugs, start looking forward to your new life!
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Old 03-24-2011, 06:42 AM
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You are doing great, Threewishes. I have been where you are, had to divorce mine also, and his family also blamed me somewhat for not sticking in there, but I also know that deep down, his family knows him *so* well, and they must know that really, we need to take care of ourselves. They just are disappointed because they know the real issue...and now the onus is back on the family. Well...Sorry! Tough beans! Life is hard enough as it is, to have to live the way we were living.

No more lies upon lies, no more worrying, no more anxiety...yes I am lonely sometimes but when I compare it to living with my XAH...I welcome the peace. Peace! What a concept!

Hang in there. All the best to you!
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Old 03-24-2011, 08:50 AM
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kudos to you for not letting his enabling sister get to you. That took a lot of determination!
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Old 03-24-2011, 08:56 AM
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Originally Posted by threewishes View Post
I met his sister for dinner last night and was having a good time until we started talking about him, at which point it became real obvious that she thinks I'm somehow to blame in all of this, am completely overreacting by divorcing him, and his family will "be here to pick up the pieces" after I leave and "take care of him" - he's just a helpless lost soul, poor guy. And of course he's going to relapse, with all this stress I'm putting on him!
Oh yes! I tried to explain "detachment" to my A's parents last night and why I'm trying so hard to do it (um, because I'm pregnant and looking at being a single mother of two?! because someone has to be responsible for these kids?!), and his dad looked at me and said, "But don't you think it's important to remind him of what he needs to do?" They don't get it. If this spirals out of control and I do end up leaving my A, my A's parents will be the worst thing that ever happened to his disease.

Good on you for drawing the line in the sand. We don't need everyone's validation and blessings to take care of ourselves.
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Old 03-24-2011, 04:07 PM
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Thanks....I was supposed to drive up to visit my MIL tomorrow for lunch and shopping. It's a two-hour drive each way and I'm seriously thinking of cancelling. I'm just so tired, have a lot to do here, and don't know if I want to deal with any more blame (from her it would be much more subtle, but still there most likely). You're all right - his family now thinks they have the burden of keeping an eye on him and they don't like it.

Soph - I can't wait for no more lies, no more anxiety, no more worrying! For peace and sanity. To feel like a normal, fully-functioning human being again .

I don't think AH knows that I know he relapsed....should make for an interesting weekend.....
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Old 03-27-2011, 11:22 AM
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Well, I made it through AH's visit back home this weekend - he left earlier this morning to head out of town for the week. We both had a tearful goodbye....I know most likely I won't ever see him again. I didn't bring up my knowledge of his relapse - no need to go there, as he'd already mentioned that he was "doing fine and had had no temptations" while gone this past week.

I took another load of stuff to goodwill, cried a bit, talked to some friends. I just feel empty now. A friend pointed out to me how my HP is working in my life - allowing me to see what I needed to know about his relapse, then removing the obsession (AH changed his account passwords so I can't check on him now). It's true....if I didn't know I might very well still be questioning myself. It's done....and it's sad. The hopes and dreams that began our marriage are gone. I gave it my best....we both did the best we could, I guess.

In exactly 48 hours I will be in divorce court. I never expected or wanted things to go this way. Just trying to stay strong now for next few days to come.
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Old 03-27-2011, 11:31 AM
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Hang in there--you will start to feel better once the legal formalities are over with.
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Old 03-27-2011, 11:35 AM
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Thanks Lexie...yes...I'm a little nervous about court but if I remember correctly from my first divorce (22 years ago!), it's a fairly straightforward and quick process. It's not like I'll be cross-examined or anything! I just hope I don't bawl my way through the whole thing but if I do, I'm sure I won't be the first.
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Old 03-27-2011, 11:45 AM
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Bring Kleenex.
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