Job #7 in 8 mos gone on to #8
 

Gaaaah! I knew it couldn't last, but I thought he'd at least go up to the slope at least twice. Nope. Based on an email I just got from him, he now works Monday-Friday 'so there's no need to change the visitation schedule.' WTF!

I was looking forward to a routine 2 weeks free from his abusive alcoholic self and his toxic enabler GF. I really want to jump up and down, stomp my feet, and yell It's not fair! It's not fair! It's not fair!

Seriously, how does he keep landing jobs with this kind of track record?!????

How can he live with himself with all this cr-p?

Oh, right, it's still all my fault: b-tch XWife is making him submit a mod request to the court, so he really can't keep this great new job.

I'll be logging off now and mourning my lost 2 weeks of some-what guaranteed freedom/safety from him.

I think my math was off on the title. I can only come up with 7. So it's #6 gone and onto #7. Maybe. IDK. Bleahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I've really got to get to sleep...

Dang.

That sucks.

Hope you got some rest.

:hug:

I can tell your upset by this craziness. And hope you find some relief. Can you just walk away and not worry about it? I know, easier said than done. But the courts should not get involved 6 times in a month because he keeps changing his mind.

I'd think about saying here are the times the court has awarded you visitation. There will be no modifications without a court order. I can not deal with your constantly changing schedule. You need to make your schedule work around these times.

And be done. if he can't make it, he can't make it. His problem. Not yours.

Be strong. And don't let this guy get under skin. Try to let go.

I truly think I hate XAH. I'm pretty sure I do - at least right now. A white-hot, burning hatred. I know this is giving him way too much power again. I'm trying to let go, but freakin h-ll... it's messing up the Zen feeling I was working towards... Even the EOB I got recently isn't helping me smile today.

I'm having serious trust issues with my HP today. And come to think of it, the ravens (an addition/aspect to HP) that were hanging out at DS's school for the past few months weren't there today.... Now, I'm feeling a bit abandoned to boot.

Thing is I don't think I truly believed he even had a Slope job. There was a little doubt hanging out that thought he'd simply figured out a way to get around his GF's vigilance on his drinking. Something along the lines of: I'll say I have this great job, go crash at drinking buddy Y's house for 2 weeks at a time and be able to drink all I want without either her or the responsibility of seeing DS. Maybe tell GF I have Job 2 for the 2 weeks off of the Slope job... Oh, cr-p, both XWife and GF are actually expecting me to fill out the visitation mod paperwork; the court will actually be able to get proof of the (possibly non-existent) job.

Twisted. Twisted is what dealing with him has made my thinking. The trust is absolutely shot. I'm incredibly PO'd with myself that he takes up all this time in my mind.

Trying hard to let go of this. I KNOW I can't control any of it. Ample evidence to show I have no control here.

If we had to walk around like Buddah all the time
my head would have exploded years ago.

I like the suggestion about 'deal with it this is when visitation is'
and leave it at that.

Yeah. I'd told him he needed to submit a modification to visitation request to the court since it would maybe be an on-going change and not a one-time event. And since it was his work schedule mucking up the visit schedule - it is not my job to revise the visitation when it's his cr-p that's causing the change. (I think I was a bit more diplomatic on my e-mail to him ... although I did include an allusion to my doubt about it being an on-going change....)

I should have known. I think I jinxed it. :P I started planning camping trips for this summer: if he's 2 weeks on, 2 weeks off, I can take DS camping these weeks / weekends. Now, I have no weekends again - at least until the next change in jobs or until his GF gets tired of how he 'deals with his stuff'.

So in addition to trying to trust in my HP, I'm trying really hard to remember that the whole scenario has changed a LOT and OFTEN already, it'll change again.

(BTW, Barb - I love your new photo! Great picture.)

I've been thinking about your dilemma and remembering when I was held hostage to AH whims regarding visitation. It's not a fun place to be. Eventually, I learned to adapt to "the uncertainty" of coparenting with and alcoholic.

So, here's some practical advice. Plan your camping trip, just don't plan a definite date. He is an active alcoholic--he will flake out on visitation. I can almost guarantee it. But, he won't give you notice.

What I would do is get all the camping gear together in a convenient place so it can be tossed in the car on short notice. Make sure everything is ready to go--fresh batteries in the flashlights, etc. Make a list of everything you need to take and put it in the pile. Make a grocery list for a weekend camping trip and keep it handy. Pick a place to go not too far away, and pick an alternate near the first place in case the campground is full.

Then, when he calls at the last minute to cancel his weekend visitation, not only do you get your camping trip, but you will be the hero parent who saves the weekend when your little one is disappointed in his dad.

That's just what I would do,
L

I love LaTeeDa's suggestion...you can fly by the seat of your pants and have fun doing it!

:grouphug:

Thank you, guys. I really need the encouragement today. I just really don't feel like I can go on with this. I don't think I can deal with him and GF every week. I already have requests in my e-mail box from her about changing weekends for her kids stupid birthdays.

The urge to run is just so, so strong. The only things really stopping me are 1. he'd follow, 2. maybe if I left DS he wouldn't, 3. if I left DS, I may as well stop breathing, 4. even if I didn't leave DS and even if he didn't follow, I'm told the courts usually give non-custodial parents summers and the idea of XAH being responsible for DS's safety for 3 months makes me shudder.

XAH and GF knew about the not being on the slope last weekend. DS told me today that this weekend he and Daddy and 1 & 2 (her kids) will be shooting off rockets this weekend. He hasn't spoken with his dad since last Sunday's visit. If they f-ing knew (probably 2 weeks ago) that his a-- wasn't going back to the slope, why not be truthful about it up front and not last minute? Oh, yeah. I know the expectation of him doing anything that a reasonable person would do.... Not realistic.

I hate him. I hate that I let myself be knocked off balance over and over and over again and I don't know how to stop it. I don't know how to plant my feet to catch the hits without falling over.

I had the best dream last night of just being held; most definitely from my HP. And the ravens were back at DS's school today. So I know HP didn't abandon me. But it hurt so much to wake up and find I was not being held.

I'm all over the place, guys.

I just had a good talk with my boss about this weekend's visit and feel a little more grounded. Still really shaky and scared, but a little better.

I wouldn't worry about the camping.

he's proven he's so flaky
he's not going to keep up with any schedule.

letting it get to you is what he wants.

I"d personally 'nice him all the way to the ground'
and be the most
accommodating happy peaceful serene protowoman
ever seen this side of fiction.

then just sit back and watch the show
as he spins himself into ashes.

if they can't get a response
they flip out
and start chewing their own legs off.

Living well can be the best revenge.

The only way he has any power over you is if you give it to him. I don't think you realize how much power you have.

YOU are the custodial parent. YOU have a visitation schedule agreed upon and formalized in a COURT ORDER. If HE (they) want to request a change to accommodate THEIR schedule, they can ask. YOU can agree to their request, or not, depending whether it works for YOU or not. Otherwise, the COURT ORDER applies. That's it.

You have no obligation to plan or arrange your life around theirs. Make your plans based on the COURT ORDER. If HE (they) flake out on their obligation, have a back up plan (or several) for a fun weekend with your son. :)

L

Ah, but you WERE...and you ARE.

No, you're right. It doesn't feel like I have any power in this situation at all. Which logically, I know is not the case. I *know*, but forget. And I definitely don't feel like I've been able to take any of my power back; he still scares the cr-p out of me and I still feel like I have to bow to his wishes.

But, the court order is to help me and help protect DS.

When the judge was talking about what the court needed to consider when setting up visitation, XAH kept interrupting him saying "Yeah, I'll work with her. Whatever she wants." The judge finally held up his hand and said "No. I'm setting it down. If you're able to reach a point where you can negotiate changes without intimidation, manipulation or scaring her, you can negotiate changes. But at any time, either of you will be able to say to the other, 'This isn't working. We're just going to do what Judge S said.'"

I have a CD of the court hearing. Maybe I should extract that section of the recording and play it over and over through the day; kind of a subliminal message....

Taking my power back was a slow incremental process for me. It didn't involve standing up to my AH right off the bat. It involves building your confidence in yourself. You can do this by taking control of small things. I changed the locks on my house. I installed a new shower head in my bathroom. I bought one of those jump starter things and put it in my car so I wouldn't worry about being stranded. I took a dance class. Before I knew it, I believed in myself enough to stop taking crap from him. He could no longer intimidate me once I discovered how good I am at taking care of my own life. :)

L

A bit more of a panic here dear friends. (Thank you for listening to the same stuff over and over again!)

E-mail from the GF about her kids birthday parties. I waited and made sure that my feelings were at least mainly related to DS's need for a consistent schedule before responding. I sent it to him (since it's his visitation that she's proposing to change) and copied her (since it was her request).

"XAH,
No. The visitation schedule has been fairly inconsistent lately with the Slope job and change back to a Monday through Friday job. I think it's in DS's best interest to remain with the court ordered schedule and to get back to a consistent arrangement before trying to change it again.
TU"

My first thought was to say, yeah OK, DS would probably like that and maybe they'll be nice and let us go camping this summer. But
1. the past month has been all over the place with visits and DS has been having a hard time with the changes in schedule and
2. They won't be reasonable about letting me have any of "XAH's time" with his son.

But now that I've hit send, I'm freaking out that I'm being unreasonable. Am I?

NO.

(And good job!) :)

L

Your response was PERFECT.

Now, memorize it, because when they start trying to wear you down, you are just going to repeat it... over and over and over. You are NOT going to argue, or defend, or bargain, or explain yourself.

"I prefer that we stick with the order."

Just bears repeating!