ShiningStars

I am so sorry you are having to deal with this! I had issues with my 1st husband regarding custody and visitation but it wasn't due to alcohol - he was just an unreasonable jerk! I am hoping and praying when the time comes and I am able to break free from my AH that I don't have the same issues.

I agree - your response was perfect. And I also agree about living well. Enjoy your time with your little one.

barb dwyer

beauty!

theuncertainty

I bought my tent! Price out of pocket was under $20!!! (membership benefits and a plus side of DS growing like a weed and needing all new gear) Later I'll work on the gear for food.

theuncertainty

What a f-head. DS comes home yesterday from his visit with XAH begging me to let him go to 1 & 2's birthday. Begging, begging, begging. 'Daddy and GF said it was up to you.' I'm the bad guy again. I can't tell DS that GF knows the f-ing schedule and could have planned the party accordingly if she wanted to abide by the court order and wanted DS there. The urge to do so is so strong. Because they obviously blamed it all on me.

Then he tells me that he spent the night at 1 & 2's friend's house with 1 & 2. Well, I'm glad that he had fun. And while I'm actually kind of glad he wasn't with the abusive alcoholic, doesn't that kind of defeat the purpose of a daddy weekend - as in build whatever type of relationship with his father that he can. Isn't it hard to build a relationship with some one when their a-- ain't there?

LexieCat

I dunno,

It kinda seems to me that a parent would plan their kids' birthday party around the time of the kids' birthdays, not according to who could be where, when. Would it be feasible for you to take DS to the party and then pick him up, after?

And as far as the "sleepover" goes, kids love sleepovers. If I were you, I wouldn't worry about how the ex manages his time with his son. That's really his business, so long as it isn't harming the child.

I'm not about defending them, but it kinda sounds like anything they do is ticking you off right now. Not all battles are worth fighting. If you can't take your son to the party and then pick him up, then it really IS up to you to say "no". Your son will live without making it to every party he'd like to go to. You can simply tell him that the time he spends with you and the time he spends with dad is on a schedule, and the grownups have agreed that the schedule is a good idea, and you are therefore sticking with it. Because you're the MOM, that's why!

HeyImme

I understand your frustration. I like to have a schedule/plan/organization around basically everything I do, but then life happens and screws it all up The party thing is annoying...in our family, we always plan the party around whatever weekend is closest to the birthday that all the important people can be there. If it was really important for your son to be there, they should have planned it around the weekend they were scheduled to have him and not left it open to debate. It is best not to get into "trading" time, if at all possible, b/c then it's too easy to hold it over each other's heads constantly...it never ends. And you know, you are in charge...you don't have to explain to them your reasoning behind your decisions...no is an answer all in itself...geez...i sound just like my mother tonight...

theuncertainty

I guess I'm still getting used to the whole sharing DS thing, because I know I will have to hold DS's b-day party any where within a 3 week range of DS's b-day thanks to the current visitation schedule and trying to plan around it. I never had to do that before because XAH never seemed to give rats a-- enough to either help plan (first 3 years) or show up (last 3 years). He went to a hunting group dinner the day DS was born for pete's sake.

XAH's GF has her kids every other week; as I understand it, and granted since XAH is a big fat liar this info could be wrong, pick ups for her 2 are Monday after school/work. She planned the party for the 1 Saturday XAH doesn't get DS. She has Sunday with her 2. The party is for an hour at dinner time. Which XAH would have with DS the next day.

I am really just venting here. And I'm sorry, I just don't know who else to talk to.

HeyImme, I feel you're right, if it was really important to them, they could have planned it for the following day. I am just so tired of them always making me out to be the bad guy with DS:

It's your mom's fault you can't keep the fish we sent home with you without asking.
It's your mom's fault that you can't live with your Daddy.
It's your mom's fault that your 3 kitties that XAH and you had are gone. (the 3 we had to leave with XAH when we left)
It's your mom's fault that you had 3 kitties. That was irresponsible.
It's your mom's fault that you couldn't go skiing with your daddy and friends at the skiing birthday party we agreed to take you to.
It's your mom's fault that you can't come to 1 & 2's b-day party.
It's your mom's fault your Daddy doesn't come to your school events.

I am tired of it. And it's nothing I can prove, just write it down in my journal of cr-p XAH pulls and hope it will be anything other than hearsay to the judge when/if we ever go back to re-adjust visitation.

Top it off, both my Mom and Sister responded with, 'Well. You can let DS go to the party, right?' when I asked them what they thought. They changed their minds when I reminded them about the recent schedule flakiness and the e-mail from XAH/GF stating I'd have to 'give to get' a weekend with DS and since I wasn't giving, I would NEVER get. But the fact that their initial response was to allow the change just really reinforced my whole self-doubt issues.

Thumper

I'm sorry you have to deal with so much BS and posturing on their end.

Try to stay focused on what is best for your little boy, now and in the long run. We can't always make them happy right now because we have more information and a long range view. Along with that try and separate out feelings that are yours individually about having to share your child and deal with unreasonable people.

What would your decision be if this Sat. afternoon party was for a friend from school?

Then factor in the additional information you have. Would he be safe there? Do you have other plans? Will attending negatively impact your long term co-parenting and visitation?

I also get the 'it is always mom's fault' stuff I dealt with some of that too and if xah wasn't out right blaming me the boys were.

theuncertainty

It's not just a request for DS to attend a party. It is a request to change up DS's visitation with XAH.

My response to attending if it were a friend from school's party would be different. True. But that's because the parties right now are parents also attend events (except in the case of XAH and his GF, who don't even stop to check in with the parents - I was informed by the last party that DS just showed up suddenly and then was gone). I would have no problem taking DS to a one of those events because the house wouldn't be filled with abusive XAH and his partying friends.

Maybe I need help sorting out the my feelings vs visitation best interests of DS. How do I do that when I still have a hard time identifying my feelings?

Do I have plans for that day. No.
Would DS be safe there? I honestly do not know. These are the people who let their kids run around unsupervised next to a major road while they used/drank to oblivion at one of the other kid's birthdays and said it was OK because the kids were outside and didn't see anything.
Will attending negatively impact the co-parenting? No. It will continue as-is in it's current format.
Negatively impact visitation schedule? Yes. It would be yet another 'one-time' change. The schedule has been tossed aside lately for XAH's "job". GF's job. A couple friends with emergencies...
Negatively impact DS? Yes. Schedule inconsistencies and XAH's partying with these friends. DS has definitely been displaying effects of the inconistency, concern expressed by his teacher and aftercare provider.

..... Maybe this is more about trying to heal from abuse and trying to co-parent with an abusive x than it is about dealing with an alcoholic x. Or maybe I'm too sensitive and it's all me. IDK.

Thanks to all for input and listening.

Thumper

Those are a lot of negatives. I actually think your decision to say 'no' is perfectly fine. I was putting those questions there as a way to work through that so that you didn't doubt yourself so much after your conversation with your family. You are not arriving at decisions willy nilly. You are putting thought into them and making the best decisions you can in a difficult situation. I say make the decision and let go of the anxiety surrounding it. It doesn't matter who likes it really, including your son. You are being a good mom and that isn't always popular with the peanut galary.

Maybe create a small plan for that day, even if it is movies and popcorn in the living room or a trip to the park (not sure of your weather there - yikes!). Turn it into an event. It will make more sense to him because the real reasons are not going to make sense to a 6yo. You could also just post the visitation calander on the wall and use that as the reason. Just never deviate from it no matter what and he'll come to accept that and gain some security. It might make your life a bit easier too. The blasted girl friend might quit asking for stuff too if you just never ever deviate. She's a piece of work.

tjp613

Everything Thumper says here is right on. I really like the idea of posting the visitation schedule on the wall and never deviating from it. Kinda like school, y'know? School is Monday-Friday with weekends off and it never changes. Visitation is XX weekend and it never changes either.

If you remain firm in your position of "we stick to the visitation schedule as outlined in the decree" then they will eventually stop asking. It's your best shot at sanity. It will just take some time to get there. I know this because I went thru the same crap with my ex. I kept giving in to his requests, but guess what? When I wanted them to return the favor it was NEVER convenient for them!! That left me sooooooo angry and frustrated...which would sometimes trickle down to the kids. Eventually I just stopped being such a sap and found it best for ME and the KIDS to just stick with the schedule.

As for the blaming mommy for everything-- it's just what a**holes do. If it wasn't that behavior it would be something else. He's not going to turn into Wonder Dad just because you are now divorced. ALL YOU CAN DO is just continue to be the best mom you can be, with as much calm and cheerfulness as you can muster. Hands down the most important thing to your DS is a sense of peace and security. Focus on that and forget about "parties" and whatever else XAH throws your way.

(((((BIG HUGS))))))) You'll be OK. It's just hard right now. It will get better.

LexieCat

OK, now I understand why you don't care to take him to the party.

Don't be so concerned about what "they" say--it's out of your control. I like the idea of posting the schedule and making it like the school routine. That would probably give DS the idea that it isn't just you making up the rules as you go along, and would dilute any "it's mom's fault" that they might be telling him.

Remember, kids are quick to pull the "it's no fair" no matter who is making the decision, and why, if it impacts on what they want to do. They don't get to call the shots. Your son will benefit from the consistency more than he will be harmed by missing out on any events he wants to go to.

Hugs,

naive

good advice from thumper and tjp. stick to the schedule. period. they will all stop asking eventually.

otherwise, this will drive you crazy, it will never end, as there is ALWAYS another birthday, christmas, holiday, etc around the corner.

you are in the driver's seat. do what is best for YOU and ds.

plus, if you stick to the schedule, it should minimize the interaction with the GF.

well done on saying NO. it will get easier. all emails could be responded to with one sentence: "no. i am sticking to the scheduled visitation."

with xABF, i found it best not to want anything at all from him. part of what is keeping you in this unhealthy dynamic is that you want something from him...you want to go camping with ds. perhaps best to let go of that. if you want nothing from him, you are in a much better position to stand up to him and take care of yourself.

johnnymau

Another yes vote here for sticking to the schedule no matter what.

I don't know if you are a proponent of the Waldorf ideal of establishing a "rhythm" in your child's life, but if you are, this would certainly fit in with that concept.

theuncertainty

Thanks all. I definitely feel better knowing I'm not being unreasonable.

Johnnymau: Yes!!! I love our Waldorf school! Thank you for the reminder that it's not just me making up the rhythm and consistency importance. I had teachers and administrators lined up to talk at our custody hearing because XAH didn't want DS returning to the school. His exact words were 'Can't he just go to a public school? It's cheaper.' Like he's paying for any of it.

And I have a big old monthly calendar on the shopping list so the various weekends can be highlighted. Thanks!

It's amazing how spending a couple nights out at Grandpa's (my Dad's) can help with getting sleep and hugs.