betraying their trust
 

In an alanon meeting today someone made the statement:

After listening to someone's story, if you offer advice to them, then you are betraying their trust because you are making judgement without knowing all the details/implications/circumstances. Noone know those things except the parties involved.

I thought this was interesting.

I personally wish that people would offer advice/perspective as we do here, in al anon meetings (at least the small ones that I attend). I have learned a lot here and found the courage to make huge changes in my life in part BECAUSE of the advice/questions asked/opinions given. I think that having a black/white policy about giving feedback or not with no room for gray area seriously inhibits the potential for learning and change....

The "no cross talk" only applies during the formal meeting. Lots of people come early, leave late so they can talk with their friends or any newcomers. Lots of people also get together in between meetings--for coffee, lunch, whatever.

Don't let the structure of the meeting proper keep you from connecting with people who can give you feedback. A sponsor is always good for that purpose, too.

Im not too sure about the betraying their trust thing for offering advice but I do know that I have personally found people 'offering advice' on SR uncomfortable sometimes. As I have said previously, no one knows the true nature of your circumstances or relationship to be able to say 'leave' when you are not ready to or dont want to. I much prefer the SH&E philisophy from contributors on SR. I read what I want, take what I want and make a descision that I am comfortable with for my particular circumstances.

I love the no cross talk when someone is speaking at Al-anon. It taught me a valuable lesson in just listenening and not jumping in which I had been prone to do before. This has also helped me with detachment when AH is ranting about something I dont agree with.

At my Al-anon group we always stop for a drink and chat after the meeting and this is the time when feedback is offered although at my group we are very carefull not to advise. I like SR for perspective, views, opinions and experience and like the balance that both Al-anon and SR offers.

I don't get how that can be "betraying their trust." I get how it can be "making sweeping judgment based on too little information" but that at a maximum makes you stupid, not malicious.

I think the main reason there is no crosstalk in alanon is to keep you focused on the topic at hand. By doing this, you, even in the midst of your crisis or unhappiness, are being trained for a short period at a time to focus on things other than your story.

I was initially put off by this in the beginning as well. The before and after is for sharing and the phone lists are there as well. I did not use either initially. I think that was part of my keeping people at a distance and looking for general support without allowing anyone to get too close.

The program forced me eventually to get involved with people one on one by staying or calling.

In the end, it was a good thing I think. If they allowed crosstalk, we would get the interaction we are looking for in the meeting and would just disappear afterwards and not use the phone list.

You would in a sense still be isolating yourself. I would have, I know.

In the long run, I could see the benefit of insisting that I stop and hear other people and think of something other than my story.

I always felt better after a meeting even with no crosstalk.

A reprieve from my squirrel cage?

I believe the reason that crosstalk is not allowed is out of respect for each member in the meeting not to be interrupted. Meetings are often the only place that many find the opportunity to be 'heard'. It's not supposed to be a gab session, but a venue to speak your truth and share.

I too am not sure how offering advice is betraying ones trust.