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Update-need advice

Old 03-23-2011, 10:05 AM
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Update-need advice

Last night one of the town cops came and talked with me. The one who arrested exA for his DWI two years ago. He said the charges are supposed to be pressed when I reported it or within 24 hours. So no one is being charged, which is good. Then he was wondering why I didn't call the night it happened. I said, I called his parents and it calmed him down. The cop thought I was covering up his drinking so thats why I didn't call, since he knew he is on probation.

Anyways, he was wondering why exA is telling the cop who served him that I am dropping this? I said No and the more I think about it, I don't know...he is using the fact of me needing him to watch the kids during my class as a reason to drop it. He claims he will stay out of my way and live at his parents till I find a place.I am not changing anything till we go to court.

WELL...last night he had his mom call me to tell me the conditions and tell me that he is not ignoring me he just can't talk to me according to the OFP, um well duh.. There is supposed to be no third party to relay messages...this morning it is horrible weather/snow..he TEXTED me: "Don't wanna talk to u but the roads are bad, I am going 20mph" I am supposed to report any communication, which I assume this would be communication even though its about the weather! which obviously I know since the our school was closed.

I am going to call the advocacy program and see what they say....
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Old 03-23-2011, 03:37 PM
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I'm sorry I don't understand what your question is. I'm not in the loop on your sitch, and I didn't follow everything....except that he texted you.

I think that part is black and white:
* you are supposed to report communication
* a text message IS a communication
* I think he was testing the waters by that text

(I live in the Twin Cities - always up for a cup of coffee - p.m. me if you want)
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Old 03-23-2011, 03:40 PM
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You not reporting a violation of the protection order makes it completely powerless.
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Old 03-23-2011, 04:35 PM
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His mum called you with a message from him, then he texted you? I'm sorry I'm not up to date on your story but I think niether of those things are supposed to happen according to some order, if I'm wrong stop me now I don't get US law.


If it's not supposed to happen, what are you supposed to do if it does happen?
Why is the order in place?
What is it protecting?
You don't need to answer those questions here, but I'm guessing he's not supposed to contact you in any way, even via a third party, for a reason. If you let it go you're giving him the green light to do it again and again and again.
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Old 03-23-2011, 04:46 PM
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I agree he's "testing the waters." What happens, often, is that the victim "allows" the harmless messages, and then the defendant later tries to use it to show that he thought it was OK because you didn't complain before when he contacted you.

Of course, that's not a defense, but it often makes the victim reluctant to report further communication/harassment.

If you want the order, enforce it. It's only a piece of paper, otherwise.
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Old 03-23-2011, 08:59 PM
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I imagine that part of your hesitation to report his breaking the protective order is the same as my hesitation for reporting that my AH has broken his bail conditions... I am worried that he will get into trouble, that that trouble will impact our family financially and that he will blame me for all of it.

You have a restraining order which means that there was very good reason for it -- they are not just handed out like candy. Your H is testing you to see if you mean what you say and to see what you will do when he shows blatant disregard for the law.

When my AH made it clear by drinking while on bail that he has 0 regard for the law I let him know clearly that while I was not calling the police to report it, I was leaving and would be no part of his illegall activities. We have been separated since the day after I learned he was drinking still and I have told my lawyer he broke the bail terms and my lawyer is dealing with it with the prosecutor. I've gotten the blame for whatever this will mean for him thrown at me a lot by him and his family but I have told them all matter of factly that I did not make the choice to break the law, he did. He has free will and made a choice. I am not responsible for the consequences he will face- he is.

Your H made a choice. He understood what no contact meant and did it anyway. It was a conscious, intentional choice to do so and you have every right to let the authorities know. One thing that scared me and was the final push I needed to leave with my D's was being told by my lawyer that if I stayed, knowing he was drinking against the terms of bail, I could be looked at as a danger to our children just as he will be.... I did not want to be seen as someone who cared more about keeping a secret than protecting my kids and respecting the law and that was the final straw for me.

I hope you will do what you feel is best for YOU and not what you feel you should do bc of how things will be for your H if you report him. He chose to contact you. It's now his issue to deal with if you choose to let someone know.
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Old 03-23-2011, 09:19 PM
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I didn't report it..yet. What if it's to late? it happened early this morning and now its 10pm. I didn't get my copy of the OFP picked up and couldn't because of the weather. I guess i would have jumped on reporting it if it was something harassing. I said the same thing to my mom that he is just "testing the waters"

I didn't even call the advocacy place. It's 24 hour so I could.

I just wanted to enjoy my day with my kids without dealing with things. Which was kind of dumb..

That is right it is just a piece of paper without using it..Thanks for your support/advice.
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Old 03-23-2011, 09:48 PM
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LS2

i agree with the majority, you need to report it. if you don't than you are sabotaging your own progress. he made his own choice to contact you against the law and if you allow it then what is the need for the order. and also how can law enforcement take you seriously if you are allowing him to blatantly disregard the law.

you have to stick to your guns or after a while you will not be taken seriously by your husband or the law. i'm sorry to sound harsh, but i am talking out of my own experience. i have been on the receiving end of the police being fed up and not knowing who to believe b/c i was being wishy washy and not persistent in reporting stuff.

take care and i did not mean to upset you with my post. i know that it's not easy. i have small children, too and i still love my husband, but i have to learn not to allow him to lure me back into his devastating cycle.

hugs and prayers.
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Old 03-24-2011, 06:36 AM
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Originally Posted by LS2 View Post
I didn't report it..yet. What if it's to late? it happened early this morning and now its 10pm. I didn't get my copy of the OFP picked up and couldn't because of the weather. I guess i would have jumped on reporting it if it was something harassing. I said the same thing to my mom that he is just "testing the waters"

I didn't even call the advocacy place. It's 24 hour so I could.

I just wanted to enjoy my day with my kids without dealing with things. Which was kind of dumb..

That is right it is just a piece of paper without using it..Thanks for your support/advice.
It's a text message. I don't think there's an expiration as long as it's within a particular timeframe. There's a lot of reasons for not reporting things right away - fear, confusion, not opening the message, not checking to see who the message was from, at work and unable to slip away and not wanting the whole office to know, etc, etc, etc.

I can understand wanting to enjoy the day without dealing with things. It's not "dumb" - it's a natural reaction to stressful things. It happens. It's okay.


It's hard, yes, but if you don't defend your boundaries now when he's just poking at them, it may be harder to defend them later when he's blatantly disrespecting them.
It's better to get the practice now.
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Old 03-24-2011, 07:18 AM
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LS2 -

I'm glad you have posted all this... it reminds me that I have to be consistent with the "message" that my actions send. If I'm going to say something is inappropriate (boundary!!), the I need to be consistent in enforcing it. If I let is slide sometimes, and not others... no consistency.

Say what you mean, mean what you say... and follow through.

For years, I would say the drinking was unacceptable, and then I'd let it slide. I'd turn the other way and let things go. I'd say the drinking and driving was unacceptable (nevermind ILLEGAL!), but then go out with him and get in the car knowing damn well he'd been drinking.

Anyways... I'm glad that you called the cops and followed through. Good for you!
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Old 03-24-2011, 07:26 AM
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Just a note re the "third party" relay messages. Those are hard to prove (due to evidence rules) unless the third party is willing to confirm (in court, on the record) that the contact was at defendant's behest. IOW, if you have a text message or email from mom saying defendant asked her to get in touch, that's provable (or, rather, more likely to be provable) than a phone call. If mom denies in court that the defendant was the one who asked her to call (ie.g., "Oh, no, it was my idea, I was just trying to help"), you can't prove otherwise. If it's a text message or letter or something where she admits defendant asked her to contact you, she's not likely to be able to deny it. Either way, you would have to call the third party as a witness. Just something to keep in mind--you can still report it, but it's unlikely you'd be able to prove it.
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Old 03-24-2011, 12:43 PM
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Old 03-24-2011, 12:43 PM
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Hugs, Lindsey. I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I hate, hate, hate when I get correspondence from XAH and his GF. Yeah, he finds a way to get around the civil No Contact order, too. But the civil NCO is different from a protective order and I'm told it takes a lot more to 'infractions' for there to be consequences. I've got a lovely list of their manipulative cr-p going. Thing is, it's fairly all subjective with the NCO and what the judge might see as abusive communication; we're allowed to communicate about DS. XAH manages to work DS's name into the correspondence so technically.....

It still throws my day/evening for a loop when I hear from them. I'm hoping for a day when it doesn't; for a time when I can see their names pop up on text or e-mail and go "Pfft. No big deal."

I completely understand not wanting to take action so that you can have a good day with the kiddos. I think it's a fairly natural reaction.

Personally: With the OFP, I'd report the contact. I'd journal everything, including the contact from your MIL on his behalf and note that she said she was calling because he asked her to. I think the next time she calls to pass along his manipulation, I'd inform her that the OFP stipulates that there is to be no 3rd party relays; if she presses on, I wouldn't be afraid to tell her "since you continue to relay information from him, this conversation is done" and hang up. Document, document, document if she continues to try communicate for him.

Hang in there. Wishing you peace and continued strength.
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