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If anyone wants to say I told you so

Old 03-23-2011, 08:22 AM
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If anyone wants to say I told you so

I'm sitting on the beach, watching my daughter build a sandcastle. I came home yesterday to find him drinking, so I packed a gymbag and picked up my dd. We went to the y, where I worked out and she went to the fun house. We then went to the y pool, she didn't ask why we staed until it closed, just thought we were having a "girls night". So I went with that, next to a nice dinner, and then, cool mom as I am said, "wanna skip school tomorrow and go to the beach?"

So last night I told him I wasn't coming home. When I talked to him, I knew that coming home would mean we would fight all night. When he is like that, he doesn't let me just go to sleep.

So here I am, a sub in my classroom and my daughter's desk is empty and she thinks this is a vacation.

And sitting here, with such an uncertain future worried sick because no one has heard from him today. Usually by now he is blowing up my phone. His mother and brother have tried to call him all morning, he is not at work.

Now I'm 2hours away, telling myself to enjoy the day without worrying.
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Old 03-23-2011, 08:34 AM
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I dont know what he is up to, and neither do you. Its Gods job to worry about that.

If he gets himself into a mess, you were two hours away. NOt your problem.

Just for the record, there were so many times that I spent hours, nights, days, strung out, and I mean STRUNG OUT worrying about AH, thinking the worst, not being present to my self or my son, and found out he was just fine.
He had just found himself another distraction, another drinking buddy, another plaything, another person to pump up his bruised ego...

I am not even mad anymore, but I dont want to spend anymore of my prescious life giving something to him that doesnt have a good return.

your daughter is there with you, let her have all your energy.
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Old 03-23-2011, 08:38 AM
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I reckon I've been busy enough telling myself, "I told you so" to be worried about saying it to you.

Again, we get it and there's no reason to beat yourself up around here. Buffalo is right. Let your DD have all your positive energy.
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Old 03-23-2011, 08:42 AM
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I feel for you!

Apart from worrying about him how does it feel to be away from the house?

What steps could you take, which don't involve his "OK" to feel like that more of the time?
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Old 03-23-2011, 09:00 AM
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That's great to take a day off from your life! Step away from your alcoholic and focus on you and your daughter. Good for you! Been there, done that...I am sure most of us here have.

I am envious - would much rather be at the beach than in the office today.
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Old 03-23-2011, 09:08 AM
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Just for the record, there were so many times that I spent hours, nights, days, strung out, and I mean STRUNG OUT worrying about AH, thinking the worst, not being present to my self or my son, and found out he was just fine.
Substitute the word daughters for son and you've got my story. I've sacrificed time, fun, being fully present with my children because of sick, obsessive worry and fear about my AH after I've told him something or better yet, acted in a proactive way for myself that he does not like.

My H for what it's worth, I am convinced, does this intentionally. It's the dance. He goes silent and KNOWS I will worry and be consumed and bc of that worry I will accept whatever sorry excuse for an apology he offers later...

Right now I don't know where my H is living/sleeping/whether he is drinking or not but for once I am not worrying obsessively about him. Instead I am worrying about myself and our daughters. Sounds like you're doing the same-- good for you!

He had just found himself another distraction, another drinking buddy, another plaything, another person to pump up his bruised ego...
There's never been a single time to my knowledge when I have been SICK with worry about my H's well being that he's a) cared that I am worried and let me know he was okay or b) been doing anything other than having a great time....

Think about yourself and your daughter-- willing to bet that your H is fine (well, not fine but you know what I mean?)

So sorry you are going through this...
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Old 03-23-2011, 09:20 AM
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I don't think any "I told you so's" are warranted. He's an alcoholic nowhere near recovery. Drinking is what he does.

I think your girls' night + vacation is AWESOME. Giving yourself some space to think or just to RELAX for once is such a lovely gift.

I wish I had done that with my daughter the few times I walked out. In my case, it was the middle of winter, DD was in a carrier and I didn't have anything with me, nor did I have anywhere to go (or a vehicle to get there). I walked to a café, nursed her, talked to her about how it was not ok for a man to treat a woman the way her father was treating me...and then I had to go home. I had no cash, no diapers, nothing. When I got back, he smugly proceeded to let me know he had "won".

Take your time and enjoy your daughter.
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Old 03-23-2011, 09:55 AM
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I relate...


When I talked to him, I knew that coming home would mean we would fight all night. When he is like that, he doesn't let me just go to sleep.


My ABF does the same....once the fighting starts, it will never end b/c he keeps at it....if I tell him to stay downstairs while i'm upstairs...he always will come up with yet another snide remark or nasty comment or stupid accusation or yet another mean name to call me....he will never just let me sleep! I ask him to please please give me some space, or just let me sleep, (I'm the only one working at the moment and I work early!) and he won't. Then I get blamed for not being able to calm down - and when I explain that that is why I asking him to leave me alone, so I can calm down...it falls on deaf ears - because apparently I am the only one yelling!! He doesn't yell, or call me names, or slam doors and throw things, doesn't spit at me, no no no, he doesn't do any of those things.

We live at my house, so I can't leave, and he won't because he has no where else to go.

I so wish we lived at a rental or something (not at my place) so then I would just leave....and maybe then I'd have the courage to walk away...for good.

I know you are worried, yet i hope you enjoy your day at the beach...i know that if i were there, i would just feel....at peace....even if its just for a little bit.
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Old 03-23-2011, 10:03 AM
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Yay! Sandcastles with a little one!!!!

Try to enjoy the day......just the here and now. The time may have come to make a plan for yourself and your dear young one. Do you have someplace you can stay tonight as well?

Take good care of yourself! Hugs, HG
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Old 03-23-2011, 11:47 AM
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No one will I told you so..it's jsut that addiction is so predictable I can set my watch by it..take care of yourself..keep coming back..
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Old 03-23-2011, 01:14 PM
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When I talked to him, I knew that coming home would mean we would fight all night. When he is like that, he doesn't let me just go to sleep.

My ABF does the same....once the fighting starts, it will never end b/c he keeps at it....if I tell him to stay downstairs while i'm upstairs...he always will come up with yet another snide remark or nasty comment or stupid accusation or yet another mean name to call me....he will never just let me sleep! I ask him to please please give me some space, or just let me sleep, (I'm the only one working at the moment and I work early!) and he won't. Then I get blamed for not being able to calm down - and when I explain that that is why I asking him to leave me alone, so I can calm down...it falls on deaf ears - because apparently I am the only one yelling!! He doesn't yell, or call me names, or slam doors and throw things, doesn't spit at me, no no no, he doesn't do any of those things.
OMG!! I have so been there with my AW!!

My AW is what I call an "accelerating drunk" - by which, I mean when she's drinking she's "read for the party to keep going." Tired? Not her on a bender. Up to all hours of the night regardless of what day it is. How she gets to work the next day, I don't know (or, wait, I do - more of the "blue bottle").

And, the fights don't start until midnight or later. I've begged and pleaded for her just to drop whatever it is because - ya know, it's 1am and I have work tomorrow?

Oh, no. Heck, even if it's a Tuesday night, I get the "you're such an old man" routine (there's a 10+ year age difference between us). Etc.

When it gets too bad, I *try* to retreat to the basement (or, as she says: "there you go, running and hiding again). Well, of course, I retreat. There is no rational discussion with a drunk person.

One night - after retreating to the basement and locking the door - she kicked a hole in the door because *I* was being juvenile.

I take the position that ANY thing that gets broken or damaged when she's in a drunken rage - like the door; or the kitchen drawer she yanked out ruining the drawer guides - is NOT my responsibility to fix. The drawer has gone unrepaired for well over a YEAR. She only recently tried to fix the door because we had some friends helping us do another home improvement project and, I think, she was embarrassed about it.
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Old 03-23-2011, 01:29 PM
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No way, Jose. No I told you so from me. Sounds like your fiancee had a drunk on, you anticipated a fight and you quietly removed your daughter from that situation and headed to the beach instead. That's good parenting and self-care. Go you! Perspective is always a good thing and sparing little ones from being around alcoholic rages is paramount.

SL
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Old 03-23-2011, 01:46 PM
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When we say the things we say...

...that many people don't want to believe, we often don't want them to be right either. The things we are right about are so painful and sad that the last thing we want to do when somebody finds out we kind of knew what we were talking about is say, "I told you so."

The key, now, is to take what you've learned and let it inform real change in your decisions and actions going forward. If you can do that, then you will be on your way to a better life.

More than once I've ignored my own experience and council, or that of others I respect and who I know are right, only to pay the price.

Take care, take what you want, and leave the rest.

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Old 03-23-2011, 01:49 PM
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Been there, done that. For me it was when I knew it wasn't tolerable for me or my kids. I couldn't tell you how many times I would have to leave the house, morning, afternoon (he would leave at night to drink and drug so night was covered by him) and have no where to go. So off to the park for hours, walk with the stroller to a nearby shopping center, in and out of all the stores even with little money and no need to buy so I didn't have to return. Buy what I needed (including diapers, wipes and food if necessary) just so I didn't have to go back until the last second. It's called doing what you have to in order to keep your safety and sanity.

However, I wasn't brave enough to stay out overnight. There were times I should have. Good for you. Taking care of you first and your daughter next. Because taking care of you is taking care of her. Sending you both many hugs.

Peace,
Jen
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Old 03-23-2011, 03:39 PM
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Sounds to me like you made yourself some lemonade out of the lemons life handed you yesterday. Good goin'!

Try to turn off the "worry machine"--he may be doing an "I'll show HER--I'LL disappear, TOO, see how she likes THAT." Don't take the bait.
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Old 03-23-2011, 04:48 PM
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Learning to let go of people,places and events I have no control over and instead focus on myself and my children has seriously been the best thing that's ever happened to me.
And my kids.

Congratulations!
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Old 03-23-2011, 05:46 PM
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what an excellent idea, thanks for sharing. I wish you much success and strength in the upcoming months.

He will continue to try all manner of "tricks". they are simply manipulations. he's a master. they all are. they are broken, and don't think like us.

and I totally agree with many of the previous posters. there is very little chance something "bad" is happening to him now, or ever. These people have an uncanny ability to come out unscathed. Only a few ever get even a DUI. And then it is really not a big deal. Costs a couple thousand dollars, and they are right back at it.

Remember you can not be reasonable with unreasonable people. It is impossible to "win" an argument with them. It is just as impossible to have a discussion with someone unencumbered with reality.

good luck.
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Old 03-23-2011, 05:50 PM
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Nooo I told you so's.

I always thought your posts reflected someone who did get it but had some things to process about her life and direction. Like most of us.

Letting go is easier said than done but when you do, regardless of what your future is with him, you will feel such a weight lifted from you.

There are so many great moments ahead for you and your daughter. As a huge worrier I can tell you it takes practice to take some deep breaths and focus on what you are doing for yourself at this moment.

The rest just isn't in our control. Hang in there!
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