Proper introduction and feeling overwhelmed

Old 03-22-2011, 01:34 PM
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Proper introduction and feeling overwhelmed

First off thank you to everyone for their honesty and insight. I read far more than I post at this point, mostly because I am so lost I find it hard to think I can be of much use to any of you. I don't think I ever really did a proper introduction so here it goes...

I am a 44 year old female who has been married for 21 years and dated my AH for 6 years before getting married. I was 16 when we started dating and now that we have a 16 year old I can see how young I really was when I met AH. We were high school sweethearts. So I have been with this man for a very long time now. We have been through so much together. We have 3 amazing kids ranging in age from 16 to 7 and I am thankful everyday that I have them. We suffered through may years of infertility, miscarriages and treatment to bring them into this world ( which if he had not been drinking and lying about it, never would have happened) . Now it breaks my heart that all that we worked so hard for is second to alcohol.

I guess in some ways I am lucky... my AH is not physically abusive, and only a few times can I say he was verbally abusive (but we bicker and argued a lot of the years). He has admitted for over 8 years now that he is an A. This all came to light after an A rage one night when he broke off the door handle after loosing his tempter. He is a sneaky drinker who holds his alcohol well. Many, many years ago I found a 6 pack in the bushes outside and when I confronted him he said he hid it because he didn't want me to worry because he knew my father was an A and that I was very sensitive to drinking. (huge red flag, but I was 24 and we were just getting our lives together... things were pretty good then). He has been to AA off and on so many times over the years I don't think he could even give you the amount. He was on meds at one point, still takes anti- depressants, and has been in counseling too. He has a sponsor, but still actively drinks. I honestly feel AA has been more of a place to confess his "sins" (I know A is an illness), to relieve his mind than a place for him to find recovery.

I guess I hit my bottom after the events that happened in the last few months. Up until then I was only kind of getting how bad things really are and how ill he really is. To be honest I am not sure I am still fully get it, but I am trying to. I finally see the "dance" we have been doing for many years. Things reach a boiling point, there is some event that puts me over the edge, we talk it out, he "gets it", actually acts like the husband I want him to be, starts his recovery, and then things within a few weeks start going down hill again. The lies, walking on eggs shells, the bad moods, the never knowing what is going to walk through the door at night, sex without feeling loved, being ignored etc. This dance has left me exhausted. I am emotionally alone (hence my name here) . It reached the point I knew my life was not manageable and my kids were not getting the mom they deserved to have. I am in counseling and we even tried marriage counseling( but when you have an actively drinking A it just doesn't help). For years I have made excuses for AH. Every time there seemed to be a reason why he was relapsing (but now I'm not sure he has ever had more than 6 months of sobriety based on the AA coin I found in his drawer). He did me a huge favor this last time... I could not find any reason why he would be drinking, but yet he was. Finally I knew I needed to get more help for me, not wait any longer for him to make me happy. I am in a dysfunctional marriage where I am pretty much the only parent, and have very little interaction with my AH. It has left me tired and depressed.

Many months ago I read Codependence No More and it really opened my eyes to what I was doing. (My father is also an A, so I learned how to be a codie long long ago). Recently after finally seeing the circle dance I had been doing with AH and losing just about all hope that he will ever change, I started Al-anon meetings. Went to my second one yesterday. I also found this site. While I am really thankful for both Alanon and this site, I am feeling very overwhelmed at the moment. I have so much to learn and understand before I can feel whole again. Right now I am living day to day and trying to make each the best I can. However I have always been a planner. I have always thought about the future and what steps I needed to take in order to get to where I want to be. Now the future is all uncertain and much of where life will go is out of my hands. At this point I am not wanting to walk away from my marriage (I love him and want to try my best to stay) , but since I know this is a progressive illness there maybe a time in the future where it may be something I will need to do. That scares the %##% out of me.

Recently the dynamics of my marriage has changed, because of me and my light bulb moment. I am no longer a player in his game, his dance and I have made that very clear. I told him I need to seek recovery for myself and I wished him the best at finding recovery also. He knows I feel this is not something that we can achieve in a week or two. I explained to him that I don't know if his acts of kindness are out of love or just part of his dance . Since I don't want to be part of the dance I have been more with drawn from him. Last night be finally told me he feels alone. My response was "me too". What I really wanted to say was "now you know how I have felt for a very long time", but I didn't, no point. He rolled over and went to sleep. I sat there wondering if what he really wanted to say was "I want sex" or if he in fact is feeling alone with his illness and that his codie was gone? Bottom line he is feeling the change and now I am left feeling uncertain what is going to happen next. Very scary for me.

For those of you who have been to this point and have stayed in the marriage, what is life like? How long did it take for you to find peace and happiness? I'd like to think in a few months I will be feeling much better. Is that not realistic? What things did you do to find peace and happiness?

I have NO ONE to lean on... and it sucks.
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Old 03-22-2011, 01:56 PM
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I have NO ONE to lean on... and it sucks.
I know that feeling. Which is why I'm here on this forum. And it does help me. I hope it helps you too.
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Old 03-22-2011, 05:01 PM
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Lord Have Mercy
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Welcome to SR!

I am separated from my AW of 16 years. I'm glad you read the book Codependent No More. I just read it myself, I felt like I was reading my autobiography.

No words of wisdom, just very happy for you that you came here to express yourself and that you have gone to Al Anon. Hubby is 5X more scared than you, if he sees you working on yourself and detaching from his drinking song-and-dance.

Doing little things that make you happy and enjoying the things you love (like your kids), and counting your blessings, will get you through.

God bless...
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Old 03-22-2011, 05:44 PM
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You've got us to lean on!
A world-wide web of friends (like family) who understand what you are going through.
We're here to support you.

Thank you for taking the time to introduce yourself and share your story with us.

I was married to my AH for 14 years.
When I realized that alcohol was his priority, I wasn't able to stay very long after that.

I chose to leave the home and marriage to protect my sanity and my children. The alcoholism was progressive and I didn't want to expose us to any more of the drama.

At the time my children at home were 13 & 16, and they supported my decision.

I found my peace and happiness in taking better care of myself and my children.
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Old 03-23-2011, 03:22 PM
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same planet...different world
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Old 03-25-2011, 12:31 AM
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Hi Alone22,

Welcome to the forum, check out the "Sticky" section on top of the page.

Have you tried Alanon? real life support is priceless. Just knowing someone else understood, was huge!!

Also about peace and happiness, I am going to therapy and it has been the best decision I ever made, to help me find those answers for myself and start thinking clearly. For me.. once things are crystal clear, the next action to take is easier to identify and to do, because then I have a sense of direction, of purpose.

Please keep reading/posting !
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