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starlight40 03-22-2011 12:52 PM

Healty Relationship?
Ok. So, everyone here can tick off all of the qualities of an unhealthy relationship. Right?
Since I'm going to be single again soon (not that I'll be ready for a relationship for a long time) What are some qualities of a good relationship? Things that we should look for

Shellcrusher 03-22-2011 12:53 PM

Effective Communication

pixilation 03-22-2011 12:58 PM

I have NO frakking idea, so I'll be watching this too.

suki44883 03-22-2011 01:02 PM


Shellcrusher 03-22-2011 01:17 PM

Originally Posted by suki44883 (Post 2906931)

Yes. These and then that gives you...


StarCat 03-22-2011 01:19 PM


I think everything else good stems from that, in all relationships, not just romantic ones.
If your friend/partner/spouse/co-worker/boss/lover/date/sibling/parent/child/acquaintance/etc respects you, and you respect them, then working out some of the bumps/hiccups elsewhere is doable - because both parties respect each other.

I like suki's list.

starlight40 03-22-2011 01:19 PM

If you see I didn't quite finish my last sentence above. Sneaking posting behind my AH's back definatley not a healthy quality! lol

suki44883 03-22-2011 01:23 PM

Well, just for my personal list, I would definitely add sense of humor. I have to have someone who can make me laugh. That, too, can help get over some rough spots.

headheldhigh 03-22-2011 01:30 PM

clean pee tests? j/k - sorta

pixilation 03-22-2011 01:31 PM

Well, if we're going to talk about personal lists, I have to have someone who "gets" my nerdiness. Doesn't have to like everything I do, but some joint likes would be nice.

Shellcrusher 03-22-2011 01:35 PM

Personal list:
Excellent Work Ethic
Not afraid to get dirty
Likes to Hunt/Fish/Get outside
Healthy in both spirit and body
Long-term planner and thinker
Humorous and able to understand dry humor

starlight40 03-22-2011 01:36 PM

This is good! all good stuff! its nice to be focusing on the positive rt now!
Keep it coming1 I have a lifetime's worth of healthy behavior to learn!
Pretend you are teaching a foreign language! I'm sure this will help a lot of people!

For me.. Someone who see's me shine and doesn't try to put out my light!

suki44883 03-22-2011 01:38 PM

Well, shellcrusher, I only possess a couple of those qualities on your list. :lmao

Shellcrusher 03-22-2011 02:55 PM

Originally Posted by suki44883 (Post 2906982)
Well, shellcrusher, I only possess a couple of those qualities on your list. :lmao

Yeah but you got the 3 biggies in your first post. After that comes hobbies and interests. :lmao

duqld1717 03-22-2011 03:18 PM

Something healthy to look for is do you find yourself able to be you in the relationship or do you find yourself being what you think the other person wants you to be?

Cyranoak 03-22-2011 03:24 PM

ahh..... um. Well, ah.

Dang it.


P.s. You might start by focusing on having a healthy relationship with yourself, as an independent and single person. When you are done with that, maybe you won't need to know what a healthy relationship with somebody else looks like. Maybe you'll already know?

HoopNinja 03-22-2011 03:44 PM

Someone here posted this and it hit home so much that I am now living by it-in a good relationship you do not complete each other--you complement each other. I loved this. We do not need other people to complete us. We need to complete ourselves and whoever we decide to get involved in a relationship with-of any sort--needs to be complete and not use you to complete them.

Complement each other--I thought that was a great way to put it.

aasharon90 03-22-2011 04:15 PM

If your in a recovery program within a
marriage with family, kids, and since
everyone is affected by our drinking or
drug addiction, everyone having some
sort of program to work themselves is
a plus to a healthy happy family unit.

I grew in my AA program leaving my
family of 25 yrs. scratching their head
as to what happened in our little family.

What happened was I spoke the language
of recovery in the family and they spoke
normal language. It was like talking to different
languages with no one understanding a word
each other said.

Im blessed with a second marriage where
recovery is important to the 2 of us. We
are both from long term marriages and
love to travel on our Road King.

Communication, trust and honesty is important.

An NO secrets. Honesty in all our affairs make
a wonderful healthy life. :)

FindingPeace1 03-22-2011 05:45 PM

I could answer a big list...openness, communication, honesty being some, but really, part of our life's work is to define this for ourselves. :)

Even though we are wonky from years of partnering with an A, we have that wisdom within. We just need to find it!

Babyblue 03-22-2011 07:38 PM

Emotional intimacy is key. Without that you can't have a healthy relationship.

The ability to communicate (including non-verbal) on an emotional level with your partner.

I read this last night and learned stuff!

Emotional Intimacy

stella27 03-22-2011 08:21 PM

Generosity of spirit is one of my favorite qualities in a person.

TakingCharge999 03-23-2011 04:07 AM

Decent manners
Treats all the people the same way

TakingCharge999 03-23-2011 04:07 AM

Cyranoak I liked your post , yes that's exactly how it goes ....... !!

StarCat 03-23-2011 07:45 AM

I started trying to think of a list, and wrote something down, and discovered I had just described my Al-Anon group. :lmao

I agree with Cyranoak's post, first we need to focus on having a good relationship with ourselves. Once we know how to treat ourselves well, then we know the great balance in relationships between ourselves and others.

After that, make some great new friends, if you're still nervous. Great friends are valuable and irreplaceable anyway, and yet they're more informal than the average "dating" relationship - especially if you're like me and commit too early.

And you can have as many friends as you want at the same time! Nobody gets jealous, and right now, after XABF? I am a great fan of relationships where there's no chance of anyone becoming jealous, especially over stupid things (like having friends).

posiesperson 03-24-2011 08:45 AM

This is an interesting thread, and just what I needed to read today.

I've been really pondering this as well, reading lots of good literature about healthy relationships, talking to my sponsor, going to meetings (4-5 a week) and working the program by connecting with friends, etc. I've also started dating again and wow, has that opened up a whole lot.

I've made my list of "Must have" qualities in a mate, "maybe" and "NO"...and realized that each of my previous relationships landed solidly in the "NO" category. Interesting! By looking at what I've written I can see how I'm focussing on not making the same mistakes. I'm getting there.

Sometimes it's really hard to not slip back into the crazy-ness that feels "normal" on some level, but now I can say that I feel the crazies coming on and am learning to "do nothing" at those moments--I have promised myself that I will only contact my sponsor and well-established program friends when I feel that way. No more regrets after placing phone calls or texts (or e-mails) that I wish I hadn't sent along.

I've learned that it's okay to be imperfect, and in fact, wonderful to have so many facets to myself. I've been working on total forgiveness of each person in my life who has hurt me and to forgive myself for my experience of that pain, for holding onto it and letting it be a reason for me to continue to choose unavailable people, because that's how I learned to define "love".

I'm falling in love with myself. Yay! And knowing that I am precious and special and deserving of love is all that I need. So as I date, and feel that old part of me pulling me toward self-abandonment, I remember: when I leave this Earth, the only relationships I will leave with is the one with myself and my HP. No one else is more important than that.

So for me the qualities of a healthy relationship are the ones that I would be willing to extend and maintain with, and for, myself. And for me that begins with absolute self-honesty, integrity, willingness, openness, spirituality and healthy ways of coping with difficult feelings. If I know those feelings inside of myself, I believe that I will be more able to see and experience them with another like-minded and like-hearted person.

Thank you for this thread. I'm still reading, working to stay on top of my tendencies to slip back into the painful familiar. By reading your words I have a chance to check in with myself, especially with that inner 12 year old who still isn't quite sure of herself. So I'd like to hear lots more thoughts on adding to this list...

Big, big hugs,

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