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Stepmother relapsed

Old 03-21-2011, 09:28 PM
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Stepmother relapsed

I read this forum and post once every blue moon or so. Mostly I stick in the FFSA forum; I'm the mom of a 23 year old recovering addict.

My stepmother, after 2 1/2 years of hard earned sobriety and coming back from the brink of death twice, has relapsed. She and I had been playing phone tag for two weeks and we connected today for about 2 minutes. She sounded odd and I was worried about her health, drinking never even crossed my mind. She's been doing so well, seemed very happy, got her life back together and was working again, etc.

She stopped talking in mid sentence today, then the phone went dead after about a minute. I called her oldest son and he headed over to check on her (I live a couple of states away and my dad died almost 6 years ago). He found several vodka bottles and told her to go to bed after she got nasty with him. He took care of the dogs and I could tell he'd been crying when he called me back.

We're so sad and disappointed. We're a little fearful too. She was able to clean up all the destruction from her alcoholism because of inheritance from my dad's estate. There's still a little nest egg and she might very well blow through it, but there's more inheritance coming. Normal consequences like losing your job and not being able to pay the bills don't apply here, and she lives on her own. Hitting a tree is what stopped her before. No one enables her, and they didn't before. Her kids all have their own families and simply can't.

Her son did take her keys because we all know she'll drive while under the influence. He said he couldn't live with himself if he didn't and she killed someone. Whenever she wakes up she'll have to choose if/how she's going to deal with her job, her kids, and her sponsor, if she goes back to her meetings. Her son called her sponsor and told her, because stepmom is the treasurer.

She and my RAD have a special bond, both of them working recovery programs at the same time. I haven't told my daughter and don't know if or when I will. A part of me knows how upset she'll be and I'm not ready to be the bearer of bad news. It was hard enough talking with her son.

I know that I'm powerless and it sucks
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Old 03-21-2011, 10:23 PM
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(((Chino))) - I'm so very sorry. I know how close you are to your stepmom. I really don't know what to say, other than she, you, your daughter, brother and everyone else who loves her are in my very strong prayers.

I think I would take time to decide whether to tell your daughter. When those we love relapse, it really throws us for a loop, but for me, it's made me sad, but more determined to continue my recovery. Who knows? At some point, your daughter may be able to help her get back on recovery road.

Love, hugs, and prayers,

Amy
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Old 03-22-2011, 01:10 AM
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Thank you Yep, I'm concerned about my daughter's recovery, too; how did you guess? lol

I mentioned the domino effect in another thread, and that's what I'm concerned about. I've pretty sure my stepmom relapsed because of codie stuff. My daughter has started identifying her own codie behaviors, so you're right, who knows? I know I'm not supposed to cause a crisis or prevent one if it is in the natural course of events. I guess if I don't want to have my own codie relapse, I'll tell her as soon as I work up the courage. I kind of feel like the cowardly lion right now
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Old 03-22-2011, 01:27 AM
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I'm so sorry Chino - prayers for you and your family in this tough time.

D
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Old 03-22-2011, 05:21 AM
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Oh, Chino, I'm sorry to hear your stepmom relapsed. I hope your daughter will become more determined in her own recovery!

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Old 03-22-2011, 05:30 AM
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Chino,
I too am saying prayers for you and your family rt now.
I know how painful it is to see someone you love relapse.
I'm sending big hugs!
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Old 03-22-2011, 07:05 AM
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Hugs, Chino.

It's so hard to watch people we care about self-destruct.

No advice, sounds like you are on the right track. Just wanted to send a hug.
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Old 03-22-2011, 07:50 AM
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((chino))

sending you lots of PINK HUGS my friend -

relapse - I hate that word and all that it implies! Of the many things that I have learned thru the relapses of my qualifiers is that with of all these relapses - I do NOT have to relapse with them.

I know you have an awesome recovery and support program - keep taking good care of YOU!

prayers for your step-mom, you and all the others that have their heart broken once again by this disease!

prayers,
Rita
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Old 03-22-2011, 01:44 PM
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Chino,

I am really sorry to hear about your stepmom's relapse and the upset it has caused for her and for your family.

I am sending prayers for your daughter that she remain strong and commited.
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Old 03-22-2011, 01:52 PM
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Chino,

Sorry to hear about your step mother. About your daughter, it's possible that she will learn a vicarious lesson here. I know that my sobriety is in no small part due to watching my mother relapse and die an active alcoholic years before I gave up drinking.
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Old 03-22-2011, 03:58 PM
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Stepmom called me this morning and I didn't answer. I wasn't ready to talk with her yet because my own thoughts were still scattered. I spent the day reading here, absorbing as much ES&H as I could, then called her back a few minutes ago.

She told me right away she relapsed, not knowing I was the one who inadvertently busted her. She said she's been depressed and it's time to adjust her meds. She also said that wasn't an excuse, because it's her responsibility to ask for that help and she took the easy way out. I'm relieved that she owned it.

I told her my daughter doesn't know yet and she started crying, asking me to please leave that to her (we'll see her next month). I said OK, it's her story to tell. They hold each other accountable and I'm stepping out of it.

I didn't ask if she was going back to meetings or lecture her; I said she knows what she needs to do for herself. Told her I love her and then we hung up the phone. So few words were spoken - we've both been around the block several times - but not much needed to be said. It's all about actions not words, one day at a time.

It's amazing how much love I feel for her. So much that I'll do whatever I can to assist her recovery, and so much that I won't contribute to or enable her disease.

Thank you so much for helping me stay grounded
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Old 03-22-2011, 05:46 PM
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Hopefully this is a blip on the radar...you really are a good model of codie recovery, Chino!
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Old 03-22-2011, 10:59 PM
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(((Chino))) - I, too, hope this is a blip on the radar. I know actions speak more than words, but the fact that she called you, that she's owning her part of the relapse...well, I'm one of those that believes in happy endings, but I will pray that she finds her way back to recovery.

I'm sure that your daughter's recovery is weighing on her mind. They've formed a bond, she's thrown a kink in that, and who knows? It might be one of the things that pushes her forward, rather than continuing the spiral down.

I'm proud of how you've handled this, that you came here to talk about it. I think it's perfectly understandable about you worrying about your daughter's recovery.

I asked my stepmom, a couple weeks ago, what would be the first thing that went through her or dad's mind if I didn't answer my phone (or call them back ASAP) or they didn't know where I was for a day or two....she flat out said "we'd be scared to death you were back on drugs". This is after 4 years of recovery.

I understand this. I instilled that fear in them, and it will always be the first thing they fear if I "disappear". Your daughter is becoming aware of her own codie issues, and I promise you...it will make her realize what you've been through, and this is a good thing.

I think letting your stepmom tell her is a good thing. This is between them, and I'm praying that in a month, she is well back onto "recovery road". If not, I pray that it shows your daughter how vigilant she has to be in her own recovery....both from addiction and codependency.

Love, hugs, and prayers,

Amy
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Old 03-24-2011, 04:50 PM
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Stepmom called me from the hall (she was doing the books) and she's back on the recovery road, just for today

She's going to send daughter a letter, she said she has things she learned that she wants to share. This is a very good idea because daughter hates the phone, doesn't do email or social networking, but loves to read and write.

I have to say this all might be a blessing in disguise. Because of stepmom's relapse and depression, a concern I had about my daughter came to the surface. Over a year ago, RAD chose to try and work through depression with therapy alone and without meds (she hates the thought of being dependent on drugs, once it stopped being fun). In the last few months it's looked like she's stuck, to me. Not backsliding, not moving forward and kind of flat.

So I finally asked her to please consider reviewing her progress and treatment plan with her doctors. She said she's not been able to shake the depression and would ask. Well, for the first time ever, she consented to trying an antidepressant today. I guess her doctors were ready and waiting for her to ask, because she said they both said the name of the drug at the same time, and as soon as the words came out of her mouth LOL!

I was in tears when she called and told me. I'm so happy that she's serious about her well being. Now I'm just going to hope this med is the right fit for her.

One day at a time
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Old 03-24-2011, 06:57 PM
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(((Chino))) - so glad your stepmom is back on recovery road, and that your daughter is willing to give the anti-d's a go. My dad is the same way..he says he's always been healthy, and hates to admit he needs meds for high blood pressure...won't even consider anti-d's. The last time he felt "funny", went to the fire station to have his blood pressure checked, it was high. The firefighter told him "just because you've always been healthy, doesn't mean you always WILL be and if you don't take you're medicine, you're going to get WORSE"

For now, he takes his medication most of the time. I do understand your daughter not wanting to be dependent upon medication....especially with our past. However, I think we have to get "stuck", get sick and tired of not feeling better, despite the fact we're doing well, to be willing to accept treatment.

I think it's great that your stepmom is writing her a letter, and it's no small coincidence that this is all happening at the same time. You all remain in my prayers.

Love, hugs, and prayers,

Amy
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