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It's like he wants to get caught

Old 03-21-2011, 09:23 AM
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It's like he wants to get caught

I can say that since starting therapy and meds for drinking, he has not gotten out of control. Most nights he hasn't had any at all, and although he is grumpy and moody, life is good. The weather is nice and we got out to enjoy it this weekend.

BUT
He has been sneaking a beer, here and there and evidently thinks I'm the stupidest person alive. He thinks I don't know, even though he so so sloppy and lazy about hiding it.

Saturday I took the kids (I have one and he has one) out. He said he didn't want to go because the meds make him tired and he needed just to be alone and rest. So I took the kids out for a treat night and returned around 9:30.

In the toilet was a receipt for one of those 3 pack tall bud lights. He put it in there and then forgot to flush. He has also hid it in the trunk of the car, then left his keys lying on the table. When I went out to get something, there it was. A can, fallen off the deck and he doesn't pick it up, so I find it, and my favorite.......the faint smell on his breath that he doesn't think I am able to smell evidently.

Saturday when I got home, I could tell that he had been drinking, he admitted to drinking only one of those, but I bet it was more. When he wanted to "talk", I just told him I was going to bed, because while I was out having a great time with our children, he was staying home to drink. I went to bed.

Sunday he got up and asked if I wanted to go for a walk. We took the kids to the Y for swimming and out for ice cream. He apologized for not going Saturday, but didn't apologize for drinking. He feels like going from drinking to excess every night to having one "on occasion" is making progress, and thinks I should be more patient.

The other thing, that I have shared here before, is that he is taking his meds, but it is because I deliver them to him and watch him take them. Every morning before I leave, I give them to him. I do this again when he gets home from work and at bedtime. If I leave them out as his reponsibilty to take, he doesn't do it.

And no, I still haven't discussed delaying the wedding. We already live together and raise our kids together (I do most of the raising LMAO). We have a chapel rented and I have a dress that I feel like a million bucks in. I'm 38, and I have looked forward to this wedding, but more importantly to a marriage. My family knows nothing about our problems. His parents know how good I am for their grandson, I think they just might to anything to keep me there.

I do know how rediculous it sounds, If the problem gets worse, it would be better to tell my parents about it now, rather than after the wedding.

Anyone else have an A that is so bad at hiding it? Does he want me to call him on the rug about it? Do you?
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Old 03-21-2011, 09:36 AM
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You are trying to make sense out of a senseless situation. There is nothing logical about what alcoholics do. He drinks because he's an alcoholic and probaby the only reason he half-heartedly attempts to hide it is because he doesn't want to hear you complain about it. The guy does not want to stop drinking and in all likelihood will not stop drinking anytime soon. You have already gotten many responses to your previous post advising, suggesting and flat out begging you to get out. You'll do whatever you want, but I don't know what help we can be to you if you ignore our experiences and suggestions.
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Old 03-21-2011, 09:50 AM
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Anyone else have an A that is so bad at hiding it? Does he want me to call him on the rug about it? Do you?
My question is does anyone who is on these boards have an A who is NOT bad at hiding it... Either they think we are stupid, are bad at hiding it or we have a 6th sense like no one's business or all 3... Either way I have been where you are-- not interested in joining us to go out, come home and know he's drinking. Know how I'd know? Bob Marley CD on the counter and the kitchen was clean. Only damn time H does a thing to help is when he's drunk. Plays the same music and cleans the kitchen. Dead giveaway.

Please do not get married just to wear the dress--- please.
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Old 03-21-2011, 09:54 AM
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If I don't get married, I will find somewhere to wear it! LMAO. Maybe a night out.
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Old 03-21-2011, 09:58 AM
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Interesting because this hits home for me, specifically the response saying that he's "hiding" it (poorly) because he doesn't want to hear you complain about it. My A has been going through the motions of recovery without committing to recovery, and while I've been flummoxed as to why he'd go to such great lengths, I think this is exactly it. He wants me to continue to do everything to keep the household running, and will do juuuuuust enough to keep me from complaining... short of quitting drinking once and for all.

Thanks for the discussion, folks.
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Old 03-21-2011, 10:00 AM
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Originally Posted by XXXXXXXXXX View Post
Anyone else have an A that is so bad at hiding it? Does he want me to call him on the rug about it? Do you?
Yes, Maybe, and No.

Maybe he wants you to call him on it, maybe not. What I've learned in Al-anon is that guessing what somebody else is thinking, or what their intentions are will only lead to me spinning. All I can know is what's in my head. How things make me feel. What I want - what is and isn't acceptable.

Calling someone out on their behavior is for US, not them. With respect to my husband's drinking - when I called him out on it, nagged him about it, etc... I put myself smack dab in the middle of his business. He's an adult. He's going to do what he wants to do whether I nag him or not. But you can be damn sure that when I nagged him - he used that against me.

You say you are looking forward to a marriage. Is that the marriage you will have with the man who's living with you today? Or the man you think he could be if he was sober?

I married my husband for the man I thought he could be. I've been sadly dissappointed to realize that I'm married to the man he is. Not that it's all bad - there has been plenty of good, but the alcoholism hasn't gone away, and in fact, the behavior that goes with it has gotten worse.

Everybody's situation is different. People are different. There is no right answer. But be honest with yourself and truly look at your situation. Nothing you do will get him sober.
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Old 03-21-2011, 10:03 AM
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I don't really have to deal with this...my husband has never felt the need to hide his drinking or how much he's drinking...he's pretty much brutally honest. But in general, since I can't get inside anyone's else's mind and root around, I tend to believe it's best to act on the information you are presented with, not necessarily what you think it might mean or what the motive behind it is, etc., etc.. If he leaves evidence of his drinking right out in the open where you cannot possibly avoid finding it, I would assume at the minimum he doesn't care if you find it and possibly even wants you to find it. No amount of analysis will make sense of the whys. And it doesn't make a difference whether you find evidence of his drinking, YOU KNOW HE'S DRINKING. And this is all you need to know to figure out what you want to do for YOU.
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Old 03-21-2011, 10:46 AM
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In general I'm with suki on this. Your other thread is pretty full of honest, deep, painful experiences and it sounds like you're still moving forward and only you can control that.
To quote Cyranoak, "Take what you want, leave the rest."

Originally Posted by XXXXXXXXXX View Post
...We already live together and raise our kids together (I do most of the raising LMAO).
Gosh. Do you think your kid/s are laughing their asses off about this? I grew up with alcoholic parents and I've never laughed at any of the abuse I was put through because of their choices.

Originally Posted by XXXXXXXXXX View Post
We have a chapel rented and I have a dress that I feel like a million bucks in....
Chump-change when compared to what's really valuable.

Originally Posted by XXXXXXXXXX View Post
...I'm 38, and I have looked forward to this wedding, but more importantly to a marriage....
I understand how you feel but if you're going to remain focused on this concept, be prepared to look forward to some of the worst experiences of your life. Sad but true. Harsh but real. Only you'll make that call. I've just been there, done that.

Originally Posted by XXXXXXXXXX View Post
Anyone else have an A that is so bad at hiding it?
They're all bad at it. It's a lack of their ability to complete a simple task. It's obvious that he's on the sly about his drinking and yet he can't even successfully cover himself up.
How well is he going to succeed at parenting, love, marriage, life?

Originally Posted by XXXXXXXXXX View Post
Does he want me to call him on the rug about it?
No. He doesn't care what you think or say or feel. You think he has enough motivation and mental clarity to plot out some big plan to let you find his beer cans so he can get called out? It's not a sick game he's playing with you. I'm sorry but it's a sick game you're playing with yourself.
I hope this illustrates exactly what it means when we suggest people start working on themselves.
Side from that, he's just drinking and forgetful and in general lacking the mental capacity to follow through.

Originally Posted by XXXXXXXXXX View Post
Do you?
I'm learning to keep my mouth shut. I need to be a big boy about my own life and take care of my son.
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Old 03-21-2011, 10:52 AM
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As someone who went through the wedding because I so wanted to be married, (and as someone who had a baby with an A because I so wanted a baby), I'm thinking that you may feel very relieved once you discuss "the big secret" with your family. I spent several years "protecting" my parents from the secret of XAH's alcohol and drug abuse, thinking that they would look down on me, thinking that I would disappoint them, etc etc. The burden of that secret grew to be so great I felt I couldn't talk to them about everything. It didn't help that XAH would berate me for "daring" to discuss his issues with anyone.

Once I did let it all out, I felt so relieved. Incredibly relieved. People knew. Heck, they knew way before I told them, but being able to say it really freed me.

And then, without judgment, my family lined up to support me. I started hearing about other people in the family dealing with alcoholism. I felt less alone.

The only thing stopping you from confiding in those close to you is yourself. There is no law in existence that says that you have to go through with the wedding because the dress has been bought and the chapel has been reserved. IMO, it's better to be honest now and delay the wedding than to deal with the cost of divorce and custody proceedings later.
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Old 03-21-2011, 02:07 PM
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I also have a partner that hides beer right out in the open.I can tell you from years of experience that saying anything to him will do no good.One thing my A did was keep it in the closet and go to his bedroom numerous times thoughout the evening to take a few swigs.In the beginning I used to call him out on it ,but that created alot of chaos in the home. I own my home and had it before we became a couple,so I laid down the law........no beer in my refrig.You know how that worked out,NOT. I took the beer and threw it down the sink several time and things got physical,so I don't suggest touching his brew.
You know its there ,so just go about your day.I asked my A one time why he hide it in plain view and he told me he had no logical answer.Thats the disease. I want to make one other comment on you playing nurse and handling his meds.I also did this to keep mine from abusing his meds.This became a fight daily and since reading this forum I gave them beck to him.I am not responsible if he Od's


Your treating him like an infant and things will never,ever,ever change .Let him wallow in his own nightmare.Step back and go about your day.Hard to yes:Yes but so worth it
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Old 03-21-2011, 03:08 PM
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I married my AW knowing that something was wrong. If I was talking to the version of me from 2 years ago, I would probably sound a lot like you -- I wanted to be married, everything was scheduled, things had been purchased, I loved the woman, I was in my late 30's. And so I looked the other way at the bottles that appeared in the recycling, I made excuses to myself for the ER visit.

Fast forward two years, and we're getting divorced with an infant in the mix. It's not fair to our son, and there's part of me that will never forgive myself for the difficult life I've created for him. But as I've read elsewhere on the forums, we all come here and learn what we need when we need it. Personally I think you owe it to yourself to confide in a family member...at a minimum, you do NOT want to go into this alone.
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Old 03-21-2011, 06:42 PM
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"I'm 38 and have looked forward to the wedding, but more importantly a marriage."

Really? Are you thinking that the moment you are husband and wife, your life with him as you know it will magically change and he will magically transform into a sober man? Or that he will look into your eyes at the alter and say " We need to skip the honeymoon and I got a get me to rehab quickie wickie.
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Old 03-21-2011, 07:12 PM
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Would you marry him if he had a mistress he was hiding?

Someone that brought him pleasure and escape.. something he had to hide and deny?

Probably not.

Booze IS his mistress and he isn't giving her up.

Please think about it.

I got married because all my friends were getting married and I wanted a great party, a dress, be the center of attention, feel like an 'adult' finally, etc etc. Those are NOT the reasons to get married. He wasn't an alcoholic either but I still wish I had listened to my gut.

Yours is screaming in your ear right now.
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Old 03-21-2011, 07:33 PM
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I disagree

Originally Posted by suki44883 View Post
You are trying to make sense out of a senseless situation. There is nothing logical about what alcoholics do. He drinks because he's an alcoholic and probaby the only reason he half-heartedly attempts to hide it is because he doesn't want to hear you complain about it. The guy does not want to stop drinking and in all likelihood will not stop drinking anytime soon. You have already gotten many responses to your previous post advising, suggesting and flat out begging you to get out. You'll do whatever you want, but I don't know what help we can be to you if you ignore our experiences and suggestions.

I have read some of xxxx threads but not all. Even so, I must respectfully disagree with your statement. I think it is unfair.

People have told me again and again to leave. Maybe they are right. But I have to choose my own path, just like xxx does.

I am not saying I am staying, but I am saying, I will go when I am ready.

I didn't think we came on here expecting people to do exactly what we expect of them.

I thought we were here to support each other in whatever decisions we made. And support each other to the bitter end, regardless of what that end might be for each individual case.

(Said with kindness)

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Old 03-21-2011, 08:03 PM
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Originally Posted by passionfruit View Post
I thought we were here to support each other in whatever decisions we made. And support each other to the bitter end, regardless of what that end might be for each individual case.

(Said with kindness)

Speaking for myself, I am not here to support anyone "to the bitter end." I cannot support self-destructive choices, even though I've made quite a few of my own.

I am here to share my experience, strength, and hope. What anyone chooses to do with that is not in my control........

L
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Old 03-21-2011, 08:45 PM
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Originally Posted by LaTeeDa View Post
Speaking for myself, I am not here to support anyone "to the bitter end." I cannot support self-destructive choices, even though I've made quite a few of my own.

I am here to share my experience, strength, and hope. What anyone chooses to do with that is not in my control........

L
Me, too! JMHO.....
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Old 03-21-2011, 09:24 PM
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Fair point Passionfruit.

On the flip side though, I give XXXX credit in that she seems like a smart cookie and would know that making life changes based upon what some strangers on a message board say would be a bit nuts.

There is so so much we don't know about her, her guy, etc.

I see it like this, whenever someone goes through something life altering (good or bad), the experience emotionally can be very much the same.
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Old 03-21-2011, 09:38 PM
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I just have to add that he probably isn't hiding anything from you - he just doesn't care. Get caught? For what? Drinking/buying alcohol when one is over the age of 21 is not illegal.

If there are no consequences...why hide anything?
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Old 03-22-2011, 05:28 AM
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exactly the point

Originally Posted by LaTeeDa View Post
Speaking for myself, I am not here to support anyone "to the bitter end." I cannot support self-destructive choices, even though I've made quite a few of my own.

I am here to share my experience, strength, and hope. What anyone chooses to do with that is not in my control........

L
That is exactly the point.We share and what they do is up to them. Who are we to stand and judge? I personally have no room to do so, because, I too, have made decisions that I would not recommend if I were on the outside looking in.

I suspect we all hope for support regardless of what decisions we have made. That is why we come here and post. Hopefully, during that process, we will grow and eventually change the self destructive behaviors. I don't want to be shunned because I stay, if I choose, in a bad situation. Besides, we each have our own internal battles, we are struggling through, (in addition to the exteral A situation) to grow through or we would not be in, or have allowed these relationships.

It is, without a doubt, unfair to judge anyone based on a few threads I've read. I have no clue all the factors involved in each situation.
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Old 03-22-2011, 05:43 AM
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I dunno...I didn't see "judgment" in Suki's post. Perhaps a smidge of "throw your hands in the air frustration", but no judgment such as "you're a bad person for making the choices you're making". Perhaps, after being on SR for a certain amount of time, and after meeting so many new members facing the same problems, there does arise some frustration in that we are not able to save anyone from making the same mistakes we have.

Anyway, I'll stop speaking for someone else and be quiet.
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