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escape plan ready

Old 03-21-2011, 08:31 AM
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escape plan ready

Hello Sr people!

Well against the advice of some people here, I did try to talk reason with my AH about the fact that my deadline is soon, and we need to plan for my leaving....
He got madder than I have seen him in years! Yelled for over an hr. punched walls, etc. And told me if I wanted to leave I could go on the corner to get the money. And then he said if I ever bring this up again he would put my head throught the wall!
This happened fri. night. Been walking around in shock for a few days. Plus my addisson's is acting up because of the stress. I went to the gym this morning and got up the nerve to confide in my friend. (who just got out of a similar relationship) She said, she would drive me all the way to where I needed to go, and in the meantime, her couch was availalble if I needed it.

I'm still trying to stick it out till my passport deadline approaches.(july) I figure its safer that way.( if I leave because I have to, not cause I want to, he won't put up a fight) and It gives me time to get stronger physically and emotionally. But I also know that if he acts up again. I have support to leave on a moments notice. I'm hoping it won't come to that though.

If it weren't for all of you guys here, I never would have had the nerve to confide in anyone ! Its all so terribly sad, and I'm trying not to let the "bad thoughts take over"
He's going to be out of the house for a couple of days his week (he never leaves) so I can use that time to pack my bag I guess. So sad.
I guess I'm grieving the loss of the illusion today.
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Old 03-21-2011, 08:41 AM
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ON the bright side, the illusion was not real, so the loss is also not of that much substance.

I am excited for you. I know that you know this, but life will be so much happier when you get clearer and space and time will heal this mess of an illusion that you became attached to..

You are doing all that you can right now, and you are doing great.

In the meantime, take that offer of a couch seriously, and keep yourself safe.
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Old 03-21-2011, 09:07 AM
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That sounds like a very clear and dangerous threat he's made. You can get a temporary order of protection based on that I'd bet and that would give you time to get things together and leave to stay with your friend. He sounds very volatile and dangerous and I am worried about your safety.
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Old 03-21-2011, 09:14 AM
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Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy View Post
That sounds like a very clear and dangerous threat he's made. You can get a temporary order of protection based on that I'd bet and that would give you time to get things together and leave to stay with your friend. He sounds very volatile and dangerous and I am worried about your safety.
I second this sentiment. Why wait for a chance that he'll make good on that threat? No wonder you are in shock - this man threatened to do harm to you if you leave. But don't let that shock and fear immobilize you. Turn it into anger and let the anger propel you out the door in short order.

And good for you for telling someone else. I was so worried to tell anyone that when I finally did it just came out in a huge rush and I felt so much better knowing I didn't have to suffer through this alone anymore!

Stay safe and keep strong.
~T
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Old 03-21-2011, 09:44 AM
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Thank you. I am in shock u r right. But as I am only a visitor in this country and on HIS reserve, I have no chance of a restraining order. My only option would be to leave the country immediately.

My friend has left for 3 days ( went to the states for eye surgery) when she gets back I will talk with her.

I really never knew how frightened I was until the other night. I can still only admit things to myself a little at a time, mostly because 15 yrs ago I left an abusive situation( much moreobvious) and the reality is that apparently I went from one to another and never knew it.

In between the two relationships, I had a stroke (at age 30) after my mother died. Spent a coupleof years recovering from that. Met my ah somewhere in that mess, and was so sick for so many years, never really had a chance to evaluate any of it.
He helped me raise my kids, fixed up my father's house, helped me get stronger again.
Like I said in other posts, it was not like this in the states. Maybe it was, and I just never noticed!
I'm quite overwhelmed right now. But I know it will get better. and I will get through this.
( oh my father treated me worse than the 2 combined so that should tell you something anout how unhealthy my thinking is.)
But I'm learning now right? It's a moment to moment thing rt now. But this too shall pass.
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Old 03-21-2011, 10:28 AM
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I don't understand your thinking right now. You are a U.S. Citizen in a foreign country where you have no rights. Pack your bag, get to the U.S. Embassy, tell them the whole story including his threats and abuse and ask them for help to get home (to the U.S.). They will help, there is no reason to wait until July.

Please, please, get yourself out of this now, while you can. This man is escalating.

J M H O

Love and hugs,
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Old 03-21-2011, 10:30 AM
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I can't agree with laurie more! If you want out of this situation, there is your solution. There is no good reason not to do it.
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Old 03-21-2011, 10:36 AM
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((((starlight)))) I'm sorry you have been abused by this man and am happy to hear you are formulating a plan.

Please try to stay as safe as possible. Laurie's idea might be a good thing to investigate.....

Hugs and prayers, HG
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Old 03-21-2011, 10:51 AM
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I know, You don't understand. I don't either. Other than I guess I'm just feeling paralized. But I would not have posted so honestly if I did not want equally honest advice! And I thank you for that.
I will talk to my friend when she gets back, and I will try to leave sooner rather than later.

But its not as though I can just grab a bag/ and no money, and start walking off reserve, show up at the border and cry help me!
I don't have the stones for that. And I don't think my body could handle the shock of it.

Feeling the need to defend myself a little... I am lightyears ahead of where I was a month ago when I first joined SR. So, I know I won't last till July. That's just the plan for now, until I am ready for a better one.
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Old 03-21-2011, 11:41 AM
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soooo, how about at least *talking* to someone at the embassy and getting information about leaving early, IF you so decide? That can't hurt, right?
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Old 03-21-2011, 11:51 AM
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no it can't hurt. But my friend said she would take me any time, so Imight be missing something, but as long as I have a ride in place then I don't see the need to call them.
I'm sorry if I am being dense.
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Old 03-21-2011, 11:53 AM
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Sorry to sound harsh, but, do you think you'll still be paralyzed when he decides to make good on his threat and puts your head through the wall? When someone threatens to do such a thing, it's smart to believe them.
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Old 03-21-2011, 11:57 AM
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From where I sit, you are living in a foreign country where you have no rights to speak of, and the person you are living with just threatened you VERY CLEARLY (as in "if you dare do X again, then I will do Y to you"). I don't see why you would want to delay at all considering how quickly he has escalated. A phone call costs you nothing, is immediate + gives you the feeling that you are being proactive in planning your escape. It is an action rather than a thought. Your friend is away for a few days...what if something were to happen before she returned?

You might be thinking "no, that'll NEVER happen"...but then, did you ever think your partner would threaten to put your head through a wall?

Just my 2 cents.
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Old 03-21-2011, 12:22 PM
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I pulled the # for the embassy off the internet, and I will call tomorrow when he goes out.
I know all of you are right. Its just allmoving faster than my brain can comprehend? I read what you say, and then take time to absorb it.

When I came on here,a month ago, I was only looking for help on my situation with my AH. And to work on myself. I never dreamed I would go from that place to here!
I never even thought he was abusive (wanted to belive)until the other night. That kind of behavior I recognized.

So I'll call them, I might even call an abuse hotline, and then as I say start packing during the couple of days he is going to be out of the house.

That's all I can process for the moment.
Thank you all for your honesty as well as your patience.
I'm also writing down internet passwords and so forth so I can get back on here after I leave. I doubt my brain will be in the mood to remember passwords at that time.

More brutal honesty..... I feel like I am overeacting. That I can just do this with a minimum of fuss and fury if I just wait. I know I know , stpid!
I'm just letting you know that I know where my head is at, and how far I have to go to catch up to you.
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Old 03-21-2011, 12:31 PM
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Yes, it is moving fast, but the whole scenario changes when threats of violence are introduced. You are NOT over reacting. You are believing him when he threatens physical violence. Unfortunately, you don't have the luxury of waiting until he decides to make good on his threat. You are being given a gift in that he will be gone for a few days. You can make a plan and then the day he leaves, put it into action. Don't wait until the last day before he is due to return. Give yourself as much lead time as you can. I know this all probably sounds very drastic, but it really isn't. Not only are you with someone who is threatening to harm you physically, you are in a foreign country. Please, follow through on your decision to call the consolate and the abuse hotline. Getting information is never the wrong thing to do.
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Old 03-21-2011, 12:34 PM
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It aint' about catching up to anyone, starlight.
We just want to see you safe. I'll also let you know that it's taken me a long time clear my own fuzzy head. I'm thinking much more clearly now.

It sounds like you've made some decisions. As others have said, take some action. Take this gift you've been given and get out and get safe.
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Old 03-21-2011, 12:40 PM
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One clarification.. He will be gone for a few hours each day. But your right. The amt of time he is gone should not matter.

And I will call the consulate tomorrow.

Thanks to all. I'll check back in tonight, and spend some more time reading other posts.
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Old 03-21-2011, 12:47 PM
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I thought I was over-reacting too when my XAH threatened to prevent me from leaving the apartment if I didn't sign a paper granting him shared custody of our DD. He never said "I'll hit you if you don't do what I say"...he just made vague threats. And he continued to do so for months after I left...

Perhaps he would have escalated to actual threats and then to actual violence if I had not decided to move out 3 months early. In hindsight, I'm glad I left when I did.

Please take care of you and keep us posted when you can.
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Old 03-21-2011, 12:52 PM
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My sister waited too long- she survived being shoved down a flight of stairs while pregnant and being choked to the point of passing out as well as many other things ...but eventually she did leave him- secreted out of the house by my family to a safety house while he was gone one day.
Don't wait around- it's gonna happen if you stay..
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Old 03-21-2011, 01:02 PM
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I got no obvious threat from my ex. Looking back the signs were there.. but I couldn't see them or didn't recognise them. He had laid his hands on me before and like a good little hostage of an abuser I minimised, rationalised and excused.

I never truly believed that it would happen to me.. it did.

Planning goes out of the window when they put you in the hospital and you just can't go back.

Go.. get to a place of safety.. and stay gone.

Take care of you.

Tx
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