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Old 03-21-2011, 12:09 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
same planet...different world
 
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I think calling any abuse hotline would help... right away.

I also think the 'red tape' you're talking about
isn't as big as you've been led to believe.
Even an abuse hotline would be able to put you in touch with who you need to speak with right away.

This sounds like that 'learned helplessness' stuff.

We're just trying to help.
I remember well the three hundred pound telephone.
If you're feeling pushed -
please keep at heart
they're gentle pushes.

I would also push someone
standing in oncoming traffic
and apologize AFTER they were safe.

Just hoping to put this in perspective for you.
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Old 03-21-2011, 01:03 PM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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Yes I do feel like I'm being pushed, however, I know I'm being pushed in the right direction.

And the "learned Helplessness" thing..... I've been hearing those words in my head all day. Reminding myself that I am reacting the way I am to your suggestions because I am doing the learned helpless thing.

See I'm aware of everything as its happening. And I know all the right actions to take and so forth. Its like watching a movie in slow motion.
That's how I feel like I'm processing everything, in slow mo.

Ok rambling now sorry.
I'm going to go on to some abuse web sites to reinforce the things that have been discussed here today. Thanks to all
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Old 03-21-2011, 01:11 PM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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starlight, I've read some pretty creepy stories here before, but none have made the hair stand up on the back of my neck like yours has. That's probably because I'm Native American and I might be seeing something you aren't.

Your partner knows you need money to stay legally and get a job. Your partner might be thinking it doesn't matter, because a reserve is a perfect place to hide and go unnoticed. He's aware no one there is going to turn you in because you are with him and, if for some weird reason immigration came looking for you, his tribe will close ranks around him regardless of their feelings towards you. If he becomes a huge burden to the tribe, then and only then someone might talk. It's a cultural mindset.

He can keep you there as his prisoner and it's sounds to me like that his intention. He already has you isolated.

Please call the consulate and let them know you exist, what your circumstances are, if you're not going to leave immediately. Hopefully someone there might remember you and send someone to look for you, if July passes and you're still there.
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Old 03-21-2011, 01:14 PM
  # 24 (permalink)  
same planet...different world
 
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thanks for posting starlight

I hoped that you'd take what I said
in the spirit it was meant.

the 'watching yourself like in a movie'
is called 'disassociation' btw.

Something I picked up the other day
in class...
not an expert ... yet. LOL!

please keep posting, though
we'll worry that you're all right until the time comes!

sending you positive,brilliantly white energy and POWER meanwhile!
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Old 03-21-2011, 01:16 PM
  # 25 (permalink)  
same planet...different world
 
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ps- please read what Chino said ... twice.
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Old 03-21-2011, 10:12 PM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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((((((Hugs))))) starlight
How are you today?
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Old 03-22-2011, 02:41 AM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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Good morning .

I'm well, thanx. Trying to get the motivation to walk to the gym.
(the gym is on reserve and only about 1/2 a mile's walk. and my ride is gone for a couple of days)
I never seem to have the motivation to walk any where.
My current excuses are.. its too cold, and I might gat sick. (addisson's)
But I know my addisson's is only acting up because of how stressed I am AND if I take the proper amt of medication I'll be fine.

You see I can talk myself into or out of anything.

Goingto ramble for a bit.... My whole 40 yrs. I have been abused.
I left my abusive amother and father for my abusive first husband.
I left him togo back to my parents house which would have been temporary but my mom died and my (still to this day) abusive father made me feel guilty about moving on with my life,so when I met my current ah we all moved on together like one big happy family for years.(all the while my alchoholic and gambling father was robbing us blind/ money identity, tax fraud etc. (and that term 'gaslighting' was very helpful to describe how he operates) My ah was wonderful during this time. and a great 2nd father to my kids. Life was good...

After my ah moved up here to get our life here together prepared, my abusive father showed his true colors (it was a horror show with no down time) causing me to become so ill that my doctor refused to treat me any more unless I left. So my abusive exhusband took full advantage of that opportunity ( he's always been an amazing father , and husband to his new wife he just hates me) Somy son is grown, but my 14 yr old daughter lives with him now.
And I'm here. I am far healthier than I have been in years. But I'm sure that will change as the stress gets worse.

All those years, I thought I had everything under control becasue I was in therapy all throughout. I guess I only ever got so far, not far enough.
When this is over and I go back, my ex and my father will try to get to me again. (I have had no contact with either one for 2 yrs. Though I talk to my daughter everyday.) She's just happy because she see's how healthy I am now. And she gets to live in a normal house with 2 parents.

No I am not making all of this up. I have friends and Doctors to back up my story. (not to mention court documents)

Anyway. I know all of this goes far beyond what this forum was meant for, but you have all been so kind, I just felt the need for you to get the full story. (the full story should be a book)

Done rambling....
I'll be making my phone calls after the gym.
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Old 03-22-2011, 02:47 AM
  # 28 (permalink)  
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Chino,
Thank you. Yes, you spoke to all the things that had crossed mymind, but dare not let myself believe.
Fortunatley on this reserve, they will certainlynot let me stay after my passport runs out. They are sticklers about that sort of thing.

But he did not know that until I moved up here. He definatley did not think he would have to go through proper channels to keep me here.
Or that chief and counsel would be watching.
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Old 03-22-2011, 05:58 AM
  # 29 (permalink)  
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hey all....
Found a great website
Healingclub.com It is all about emotionally abusive relationships, and after reading through all of the "signs" and "lies your abuser tells you" and "brainwashing"
I can with great certainty confirm what I just posted earlier, that yes I have been emotionally abused in every way.. my whole life. From my family to my 2 spouses.

Ya know what I have to say to that..

When born and raised in HELL.. one can only see far enough to aspire to living in a better grade of HELL.

Now I'm going to aspire to finally rise above the fire once and for all!

No gym today, its snowing like crazy! Ah won't be going anywhere today, but I've got a couple of books to keep me busy.
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Old 03-23-2011, 08:07 AM
  # 30 (permalink)  
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Hi all.
Quick update. AH's plans fell through.... I will have to wait till tomorrow to make phone calls. I'll post later!
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Old 03-23-2011, 08:10 AM
  # 31 (permalink)  
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It's good to see you working on things, one step at a time.
Good luck!
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Old 03-23-2011, 09:21 AM
  # 32 (permalink)  
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Keep us posted!
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Old 03-25-2011, 02:56 AM
  # 33 (permalink)  
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hello,

I had the nicest day yesterday. I got out w/ a friend for most of the day.

My Ah now acknowleges the fact that I am going to have to leave, ( I guess he talked to some people and they set him straight) and he is behaving, trying to make the best of it.
So, while I still have things in place to leave at a moments notice if I have to. For now atleast it seems as though I'll be able to go on my terms.

I'll keep you posted.
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Old 03-25-2011, 05:06 PM
  # 34 (permalink)  
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That's good to hear Starlight. Get out and enjoy life. You have but one to live and it's worth each day

I remember when I would make my declarations of leaving (before I actually followed through with it), I would see a lot of pleasantries out of my EX. I believe he was honestly trying and really did want to show me how kind and loving he could be. It was in these times that my resolve began to soften and I lost my momentum. Oh, I had every plan to go, but somehow, probably subconsciously, I hit one too many obstacles in leaving, or I ended up believing my circumstances were better than what I'd be facing on my own.

I did this multiple times. I don't blame my EX or believe he lured me in with trickery, I think both of us were just stuck in a continuous cycle where things came to a head and then we could get along for a time before it all started to crack apart again.

You keep your resolve. When I finally set my mind to go and had accepted it. I realized that it was always healthier for me to leave before he "saw the light" and made nice so that meant it was still the healthier thing for me even when I hit a lull in the chaos and we got along as a couple.

Just sharing my story a bit and hoping it helps.

With caring,
Alice
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Old 03-28-2011, 03:47 AM
  # 35 (permalink)  
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Thank you Alice,

I too am aware of my ability to minimize and ratinalize as he is "behaving"
But I have a constant daily reminder to keep me in the reality of it.
He's drinking more/ and the signs and symptoms are showing.

Thank you for your words, and I'll keep posting.
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Old 03-28-2011, 06:10 AM
  # 36 (permalink)  
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when I hit a lull in the chaos and we got along as a couple.
What a nice turn of phrase. "a lull in the chaos"
Yeah, I would think this is not that bad, or its okay right now.
But all it was, a break from the insane acting out.

Living in the land of Lull,
Beth
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Old 03-29-2011, 02:27 AM
  # 37 (permalink)  
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This time I have given myself to "get ready" has really given me a chance to begin to fully comprehend just how deeply pervasive an alchoholics behavior can be.
This entire web (of lies) of an alternative reality that my AH lives in, and that I was living in with him, is just too strong for any one person to break through.
Even, the whole dream that I had been clinging to for so long of "when I get my residency and can work things will be different" Because I have never paid for his beer in our whole relationship, and would not start now.
The denial part, was allowing myself to believe that he had not already thought of it.
That's why it was so great what Chino posted about him not ever letting me work! Until then, no one had ever said that to me out loud, and I dared never think it.

Again, I am so greatful for this website!

It's so sick always allowing myself to go without these past 2 years, and always telling myself "it's only temporary"
What I should have been saying is "What kind of man let's his wife suffer so?"
Well I am saying that now. I guess that's what is important.

And one more thing.....if he had been like this in the beginning, I never would have let it get this bad. I would have cut and run a long time ago.
But its like they know this. Almost as if having this disease gives them special powers to plan everything 10 steps ahead!
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Old 03-29-2011, 03:56 AM
  # 38 (permalink)  
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Starlight - Are you taking steps to wipe your computer history each time? I'm concerned for what would happen to your safety if he should read some of these posts and other websites you might be visiting.

Please be careful. (((((Hugs))))))
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Old 03-29-2011, 08:18 AM
  # 39 (permalink)  
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I have my own laptop, and no I haven't so Ithink I'll put a lock on the comp so it can only be opened with a password.
Thank you... I too am concerned.
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Old 03-29-2011, 08:24 AM
  # 40 (permalink)  
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I just put a password on. So if he does try to look when I'm out he won't be able to, but he will know I'm hiding something. oh well. I don't think he will.
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