StrongEnuf

I took the leap and went couple of meetings last week.

I went to my first one on Sunday and had excellent timing its a 12 step alanon and that night was week one of step one so I couldnt ask for a better.

After reading thru some of the literature and even buying a few books I felt good.... AH "was" sober for 17 days, but 2 days after my first meeting he felt it would be ok to have a few beers, then the next day a few more, the next day a few more.... (Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday - casual drinks at dinner, in bed yada yada....) Saturday he stayed home and pretty sure he got plastered but I didnt want to deal with him so I didn't go home. Now I am on his sh!t list for not coming home, he thinks I am being sneaky, I am sure he thinks its another man But part of me doesnt care what he thinks. I just know that he bought a case Saturday, and still had a few beers in the fridge but called me at 10 while I was out with my sister to ask me to get him some more before the packy closed @@.

Of course NOW we are silently arguing, because he thinks I am being sneaky by not coming home (really didnt want to fight, since he was already snappy before I went out with my sister).

I dont know I am rambling - I am just beside myself with confusion

suki44883

What are you confused about? He has no intention of seeking recovery, let alone quitting drinking. Do not buy him beer. Do not bring him beer. Keep going to al-anon. Learn how to take care of yourself and not let what he does affect you.

Have you made a decision on whether or not you want to stay in this marriage?

StrongEnuf

I had decided that I do not want to be married to an alcoholic, I have 4 children that I need to ensure are safe and happy.

But now, I just don't know.

I did not buy him the beer he asked for.

I know he has no intentions to stop drinking, I just dont want to fight with him... Going to keep reading and going to the meetings...... and maybe I can make sense of this mess

GettingBy

Good for you!!! The first one is the hardest... and it gets easier with time!!

Sit with it. Keep working on you. Focus on you and what you can control and let your husband be. When we focus on them, and what they are doing - we spin out of control.

I know for me - I started Al-anon... because I thought, "Gee, if I go, he will see! He'll see that I have to do this because he has a drinking problem!" Nope, didn't work. He couldn't care less about me going. I thought, "If I detach and let him fall, then he'll get it!"

All that focusing on him... and it kept ME from getting better.

Don't feel like you have to make any decisions... just one step at a time..

Tuffgirl

A wise SR'er told me once to live up to my name on here. I am going to pay it forward and remind you to do the same. Be strong enough to hold firm to your boundary you've set above. Especially for your children; they need you to protect and care for them right now.

Stay strong!
~T

StrongEnuf

I think I need to stop reading so many books and actually take action on my own life for a change.

GettingBy

Another thing I've learned through the years...

there is NO instantaneous relief from this chaos we are in!!!!!!! It takes time to recover so patience is an absolute must.

We are stuck worrying about everyone/everything else for so long that we forget how to take care of ourselves! So...

Just for today - find one nice thing to do for you - go for a walk? get your nails done? treat yourself to a latte? Be kind to yourself, because you deserve it.

GettingBy

And PS...
Let go of trying to get this to make sense. It never will, trust me. If logic applied to these situations, most of us wouldn't be here.

Cyranoak

Wow! Good work everybody-- there are some really good responses here. And, Strongenuf, I like how you are thinking around this now, especially around your idea to apply what you've been reading and learning to you actual life. Well done. Now keep doing it.

Take care, take what you want, and leave the rest.

Cyranoak

P.s. You are strong enough.

StrongEnuf

Thank you all for your responses.

GettingBy - Thanks for the advise, I went tanning this afternoon, its my little beach in a bubble moment. I know the health risks involved in tanning - but I get a lot of thinking done in that 10 minutes.

Tuffgirl - I like this statement "Be strong enough to hold firm to your boundary you've set above" Thank you

StrongEnuf

AH is home sick today with the FLU or some bug that ran its course thru my house last week. And Just told me that he fixed the basement fridge and his beers are "code blue" (Coors lights) I had this flu last week and couldnt even think about drinking water!

So I just ran the numbers for the week. If he drinks tonight then He has had some sort of alcohol EVERY day for the past 7 days ! ! ! ! Whether he got drunk or not ? I know he got tipsy Tuesday and Saturday. Yesterday he had a beer and a half and that is ONLY because thats when he started feeling sick and was puking.

I am beside myself right now! But my Alanon books came in the mail today definelty reading "The Dilemma of the alcoholic marriage" tonight

Shellcrusher

We all do it but counting and sniffing breath and analyzing walking patterns of our As does nothing but work us up. Try and detach from that stuff. It gives your head more room to focus on more important things.

jayscott

What gets me through the most difficult evenings as I wait for our divorce to count down the calendar is our son. Since he was 4 weeks old, I've been the only one with enough patience to put him to sleep and so it's been our nightly ritual for me to take him upstairs and to rock with him for as long as it takes for his eyes to get sleepy and to lay him in his crib.

Every night, I tell him that daddy loves him and that I'll be there for him in the morning. Every night, I look at him and promise him that I will do everything I can to protect him from harm. And then I'll sing a little bit of "hush little baby" and he throws back a huge grin, plops his head down, and closes his eyes, and I know that I'm doing the right thing.

You have 4 children that you need to ensure are safe and happy. Keep that close to your heart, and don't ever forget how important that is, because an active alcoholic is not going to remember for you.