LS2

The kids and I went away this weekend to my parents. I could tell they both felt at peace without exA around.

Then he accidently texts me something that is meant for someone else. It said, "Do you have a son or a daughter?" I asked him waht that meant. He said he was asking one of his buddies if he had his son or his daughter over?

My heart sank, I knew it was to a women. I detached and didn't let it affect me...

Then we come home.

I asked him about the text. ::horrible awful move:: I asked for his phone to see if he was lying. He wouldn't give it to me. So I tried to grab it out of his hand and he was fighting me. He kept pushing me away. He grabbed my arms and slammed me against the garage. I have a huge bruise on my leg...

The little ones saw most of it..Horrible horrible mother here. Why did I even start? Why did I try to grab his phone? I was so angry at him, why? I caused drama. The 3 yr old said , "Mommy you have your own phone." and then later says to me, "Mommy, daddy is not a nice guy. He's mad."

The kids were terrified of their dad and sat right next to me for about half an hour while I bawled and told them repeatedly that I love them and it's not their fault.

I asked exA to leave. He wouldn't. I almost called the police, but were a small town and chances are they wouldn't do anything because exA went to HS with our cop.

Do I report this? I don't know, I guess how would they have proof. Maybe call the DV hotline tomorrow and see what they say?

exA went to bed and as I was taking a picture of the bruise-he walked in. I was sooo scared! It just turned into a argument that it was my fault since I was trying to get the phone. If I try to report that then he will NOT let me keep the van and he says they won't believe me anyways. He threatens he won't watch the kids for me to finish my CNA class..blah blah blah.

On a good note I just found 2 potential apartments to call tomorrow.

I wish I could erase what happened I know the kids will be so much happier when we move. The 4 year old asked after that happened when we are moving.

FindingPeace1

DV hotline: yes!
Report what happened: yes!
So when ARE you leaving?

We are behind you 100%!
Regardless of who "started" that fight, the situation is not a healthy one for you or your kids.

Hugs,
peace

Impurrfect

(((LS2))) - so sorry all this happened.

I agree with ((FindingPeace)) - call the DV hotline, report it, keep a picture. I know about situations where people have been abused by someone who's friends with cops, or even a cop, but those people usually have superiors. I would make sure I kept a copy of the report, where he can't get to it.

I'm saying extra prayers you find a good apt. and get out of there SOON!

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Buffalo66

I am sorry for this, but also, aside from the obvious physical abuse. and that is abuse, you need to cut yourself a break.
Look, there are plenty of parents who wouldnt even think twice about having an alteracation in front of the kids. You are a good parent for even knowing it has an effect.
You can explain to them, calmly that things are difficult right now, but that they can trust you to keep them safe, and things will straighten out. I always tell my son that his dad is troubled, and its nobodys fault. I tell him that his daddy loves him, but he needs help to learn how to behave and live in a more healthy way. He is pretty clear.

I hope you can give yourself a break. This is a time of swift transition.
My A attacked me once over his hiding something on his phone. I grabbed for it, and he threw it. He attacked me, and the police took him away. It did not matter to them, or the judge that I was trying to get the phone. The judge said,
"I never hit my wife for taking my phone. The proper course of action is to ask for it back. To walk off aggression. Hitting or attacking is not justified by your wife wanting to see your phone."

I think you will find your way through this. After you secure your kids, please be sure to tell yourself that you are human, and you are committed to making things better for them from now on. Its all you can do, and you dont need another person(yourself) beating up on you emotionally or otherwise.

God bless

LexieCat

Um, unless I'm missing something here, it sounds to me like you were the physical aggressor.

If he had punched you in the face, I would agree with the label "abuse", but if he had been trying to grab YOUR cell phone out of your physical grasp, you would have had the right to push him away just as he did you. You kept it up, even after he pushed you away.

Unless there's a lot more to this story, I don't think I'd be reporting it to the police. If he wanted to sign countercharges for harrassment, he'd be on good legal ground, in my State, anyway.

TakingCharge999

((LS2))
Please let us know what the DV counselors say. I am keeping you in my prayers and thoughts tonight.

Lexiecat are you seriously saying its not an aggression to text your soon-to-be-ex-wife flirting messages, meant for other women? LS2 did not suddenly want to hurt him out of the blue, she was understandably angry due to his disrespectful actions/mistakes. And he threatens her and scares her, that is emotional abuse.

Anyway I do not have a Law degree but I really hope LS2 that you call the DV line and also if the cops don't do anything you can escalate to the next in command as previously suggested. May you and your kids be OK. ((HUGS))

TakingCharge999

For the US:
National Domestic Violence Hotline:
1-800-799-7233

pacificsunrise

LS2,

i'm sorry that you have to go through this. i have just recently left my home w/ my 2 kids and am staying with my parents due to my husband's cocaine use.

i just wanted to tell that physical abuse is never ok. regardless of the abuser's reason's they cannot possibly be valid. if you were so wrong for taking his phone he still had a number of reasonable actions to do, such as as someone said asking for it back, walking away, or if it is that bad report it as theft.

i agree with the majority that you should contact DV hotline. they will be able to advise you if you are in the wrong place, which i seriously doubt.

also, if you and your kids are feeling better when away from home, there is probably a good reason for it. trust your instincts.

and like Buffalo66 already said, you should not be too hard on yourself. you are a good parent and you are also human. your children will understand that. i do not advise arguing or fighting around children by no means. they are to precious and impressionable, little angels. sometimes though, we all succumb to the vicious cycle.

good luck to you and your children. take care of them and yourself.

my hugs and prayers go out to you.

suki44883

Yes, please call the DV hotline. It doesn't matter at this point who the aggressor was, what matters is that there has now been a physical altercation. The fact that it happened in front of the children is even worse. The people at the DV hotline can help you find another place to live. You really need to get you and your children out of there. Once the physical violence starts, the situation is out of control and could easily happen again. You need to be separated from the situation.

LexieCat

Obviously, I'm not saying it was OK that he was texting another woman. That was NOT OK.

It's also not OK to physically wrest something from another person because you are (understandably) upset about it.

I wasn't there, I didn't witness it. I'm merely saying that a person who is in her husband's position doesn't need to submit to that behavior either. Maybe he pushed too hard. I'm saying that legally, where I live, anyway, that would not be considered an assault, but rather reasonable force used to repel force against onesself.

No matter who was in the wrong in terms of physical contact, it isn't a good situation. Sometimes we need to walk away, too.

Lindsey, I'm sorry for what happened. You aren't a horrible person. But when stuff starts getting physical, there IS always the danger of escalation. Hugs, take care of yourself.

wanttobehealthy

I feel for you so much and sadly can see a lot of myself in the "I know I shouldn't have asked about....". Regardless of whether you reached for his phone, that gives him NO right to push you and slam you into the garage leaving a huge bruise. None.

One of the things I have been telling myself to try and quell the demon in me that makes me want to ask questions I know will go nowhere fast and that make me want to look at my AH's cell records is this... If your gut tells you something is not right, it's not. We know better than anyone when something is amiss and I used to think that having "proof" that he was lying to me would somehow make it better-- like maybe he'd realize the error of his ways, or maybe I felt it made me more sane bc I could say "see here's evidence". But the one thing my actions to try and GET the truth from him at all costs NEVER did was improve matters. Never. If you KNOW something is wrong -- you know it and whether you find hard and fast proof-- trust your own instincts (I know it's so hard to do since the A is a master at making us question ourselves and our perceptions -- for them to lie to us they have to convince us we're the crazy ones). Finding that proof isn't going to make him not cheat, isn't going to make him stop lying, isn't going to change a THING. It's just going to give him more things to blame your for (your actions as you seek the truth). Don't give him that.

I recommend calling the police and letting them do the investigating and let them determine whether he acted abusively. That's what I did when my H assaulted me this winter... I had myself convinced that I'd brought it on and there was no reason to call but I did and now there's a trial and he's up on d.v. charges. Your H has NO RIGHT to slam you against anything bc you tried to take a cell phone. I am so sorry.

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LS2

Thank you all for your support. I called the local Women's Rural Advocacy Program and they are helping me work on getting an order of protection. Hopefully the judge will be in my favor as exA's father works for the county as a comissioner and he knows the judges. BUT usually if exA was in trouble with the law in the same county they would order a different judge. Well, wish me luck! I go in at noon.

wanttobehealthy

One can hope that the court/law/judges will base their decisions on the law and not on family connections and bias, but you are right to be worried bc we all know that the way things SHOULD be is not always how they go.

Good for you for calling. Let us know how things go.

When my H was arrested there was a no contact order for several weeks leading up to the arraignment. The peace of those weeks is what started me down the path I am on now. Had it not happened I never would have realized that I can be fine on my own and that things are actually much better without him around.

Cyranoak

...it could easily blow up in your face or become "he-said she-said" with no clear outcome. You were the initial aggressor, and even though it sounds like he responded even more aggressively, consider the possible outcomes for you and your kids before you report this specific incident.

More than once when wife was drinking I forced things out of her hands and/or physically restrained her in order to keep her from driving, screaming at our daughter, breaking dishes, or throwing things at me. Often this left marks, and each and every time I easily could have been the one to end up in jail. All it would have taken was an accusation from her. She never did it because I was such a good enabler, but she easily could have.

If, after thinking this all the way through you think it's a good idea to report it, so be it. If not, not.

And, as you noted and are clearly aware of, it's your children that sufferred the most as a result of this incident, and this incident was precipitated by your jealousy, resentment, and anger as much as by his being a cheating, lying, alcoholic *******. Don't let jealousy, resentment, and anger towards a man you already know you need to divorce and leave dictate your actions, decisions, and behavior. You've done it once now. People make mistakes, and you can forgive yourself. Do it again, however, and something is very, very wrong.

Why in the world would you fight for this man? I don't know who he was, but if your posts are truthful I know who he is, and I'd ask you is he really a man worth fighting for? Really?

Take care, good luck, and do what you need to going forward from here. You know what that is. Do you have the stones to take the actual steps?

Take care and good luck,

Cyranoak

TakingCharge999

All the best for today LS2, I am hoping that the judge who handles your case is able to "zoom out" and look at the big picture and the emotional/physical/sexual abuse cycle, and understand he is dangerous, period.

I hope you mention all the other times when you have been afraid, the sexual harrasment, how he has been threatening to the kids too.

Its not "just" about this incident. I am glad you are resorting to the Women's advocacy program and people who know best about how to handle these situations. I am so glad you are standing up for yourself, you and your kids deserve peace.

HUGS!! let us know how it went.

pacificsunrise

good luck to you LS2,

is there any way you can move away from the county where you currently live? it is hard fighting for the truth against family ties.

hope all goes well at court.

lillamy

I'm coming in late here but I'm really backing Lexie on this.

Um no. That's the same argument used by abusers all over the world: Can you blame me for beating her? She asked for it by flirting with someone/disrespecting me.

Does he sound like a scumbag worth leaving? Absolutely. But in the situation described, I would have tried to hold on to my phone, too. And maybe the party trying to take it from me would have gotten hurt.

ladyhawk69

I'm sorry, but trying to grab a phone and slamming someone into a garage door are completely different! IMO

LaTeeDa

Maybe completely different, but both are acts of physical aggression.

Not judging the degree of rightness and wrongness here, but I will say that one of reasons I left my marriage was because I was becoming someone I didn't like.

L

Tuffgirl

I can see how this thread can get bi-polar. And I mean no offense by using that terminology.

I am going to instead focus on Lillamy's tagline, a well said sentence by LaTeeDa:
"Unacceptable behavior is unacceptable".

I have partaken in my own unacceptable behavior, as has my RAH when he was just an AH. I got hurt once, I didn't deserve it, but I did provoke it. He got hurt once, he didn't deserve it but he did provoke it. We're even-steven on the unacceptable behavior, and I'd like to think we're done doing that kind of stuff to each other.

These kind of situations escalate out of control so easily. Al-Anon teaches you how to detach. I wholeheartedly suggest a meeting or five. If you don't want to be that kind of mother and woman - have someone help you through the steps to become someone who doesn't engage at that level.

I know this is a sucky situation and you are hurting. I am sorry for that and will say a prayer for you and your kids that you find peace. Stay strong!

~T