Haven't been here in a while advice please!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 32
Haven't been here in a while advice please!
My alcoholic husband and I have been separated for a year and a half. It has been an extremely painful time for myself and 3 kids. I had to file for divorce to get support etc. Never wanted one to begin with. Would be married 25 years this year. Well, he has been sober for a year now, no amends, texts his kids occasionally see if they want to go out to dinner and discuss what happened. None of them have accepted. I suggested a public place was not a good place to relive all the pain and abuse they were put through. He doesn't care and offers no other choice. I honestly believe that AA has brainwashed him and that he hides behind it. He says he has made bad choices and if he can't be forgiven then he will just have to forgive???He has NOT ASKED ONE PERSON TO FORGIVE HIM.When I asked him if he would ever make amends with my elderly parents who treated him like a son and he has hurt tremendously his reply"I have done nothing to hurt them, but if you told them something to hurt them to make yourself look better, than that's on you" These are the people that help keep my kids in college and got my home out of foreclosure. Today he asked me how do I like him now via text. I responded that he was mean and cruel, he never was before. He then stated that he looked at me differently now. He would not elaborate. But he keeps hiding behind his recovery. I continue to be devastated by his actions. I fought like hell to get him sober. But he is now a stranger, who has left the weight of the world on my shoulders. Sad thing us I've always had faith in him and believed he would get sober. Advice...please
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
You can't dictate someone else's amends. Moreover, the purpose isn't to ask for forgiveness, it is to put right the harm you have done to someone else, as best you can. He can never completely "fix" everything wrong he has done, any more than you can. (And if you think you have never harmed anyone in your life, you are not being honest with yourself.)
You don't have to agree to meet with him, and neither do his kids.
My suggestion is that if you don't want to hear from him again you let him know that.
What are you doing for your OWN recovery? It sounds like you are very bitter and unhappy. That isn't a criticism, but wouldn't it be nice to feel free of the hold he still has on how you feel?
You don't have to agree to meet with him, and neither do his kids.
My suggestion is that if you don't want to hear from him again you let him know that.
What are you doing for your OWN recovery? It sounds like you are very bitter and unhappy. That isn't a criticism, but wouldn't it be nice to feel free of the hold he still has on how you feel?
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,894
You say you have been separated for a year and a half. How is the divorce coming along? You don't have to text back and forth with him, especially if it upsets you so. After a year and a half, his actions shouldn't still devastate you so.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 32
My contact with him is minimal at best. But he has financial responsibilitys to his kids whether he likes it or not. That is why there is texting, that and to tell him to stop upsetting his kids. He texted my 13 year old the other day and had her in tears. I will protect her at all costs, whether it upsets me or not and damn right it upsets me. I am bitter and angry for the way he has treated his children who were once the light of his life. Wouldn't you hurt for your own children?
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Managua, Nicaragua
Posts: 135
I understand the pain that you feel both as a mother ( my daughter's father is an A) and as a daughter of an A.
My own mother never sought her own recovery. She is remarried, but to this day, she has contempt and resentment towards my father and does nothing to hide it. I can tell you, through counseling I am learning to deal with the psychological effects of having both an Alcoholic father and a codependent mother.
The best thing we can do for our kids is get ourselves as healthy as possible. We can teach them that they can survive this, that they can be happy, that they are important and that they are safe.
Your heart is in the right place, you obviously care for them so much. Take care of yourself.
My own mother never sought her own recovery. She is remarried, but to this day, she has contempt and resentment towards my father and does nothing to hide it. I can tell you, through counseling I am learning to deal with the psychological effects of having both an Alcoholic father and a codependent mother.
The best thing we can do for our kids is get ourselves as healthy as possible. We can teach them that they can survive this, that they can be happy, that they are important and that they are safe.
Your heart is in the right place, you obviously care for them so much. Take care of yourself.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 32
Going to pretial in a few months, I can't afford a lawyer because I am the sole support of my kids, I need time to get some money together. I don't believe he deserves half this house.
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