Tired Hi all. I've been checking in on this forum, off-and-on- for several months. Finally decided to write. My wife is an alcoholic - which, judging from this forum, isn't rare, but is not the norm (it appears to usually be the husband). Anyway, on March 17, St. Patrick's Day, my AW got arrested (again) for DWI. This *despite* me telling her on the telephone to take a taxi cab home and texting her the same. I'm so angry right now that I can barely speak to her. There's a good chance she'll lose her driver's license for 1 year. If she does, she *might* be eligible for a restricted driver's license after 90-days - but that's just to/from work. Her inability to drive is a problem for two reasons: (1) I just started my own business and, while I have some clients/work, it's been an adjustment income-wise. Her job - being salaried and steady - is where we have health care, etc. (2) We have a grade school aged child who is in several after school activities. My anger, I think, is over HER actions placing us, our child, and me in such a perilous situation. She knew the risks; she'd gotten away with driving drunk so many times; and we'd been over and over the consequences. Yet, no change in her. I'm tired of lying for her - or lying to our friends about the situation. When she was arrested, our child was in bed. Because I had packed my car to return some tools to friends who had helped us with a home improvement project, I didn't have any room in my car for our child AND my wife when I picked her up from the jail. So, at 10:30pm I woke our child up and took her to a neighbors house. They, of course, needed an explanation. So I gave it to them straight: AW had been arrested for DWI. Now, AW is *mad* at me for "telling them her business." According to her, I should have left our child sleeping in bed, all alone at home. Sorry, no sale. I'm ok leaving our child alone for an hour during the day - she's old enough for that - but for me to simply disappear from the house unexplained at night - no way. That's messed up. And that's how messed up HER thinking is. I think rationally she knows I did the correct thing. But, she's mad at HERSELF for this mess . . . and takes it out inappropriately on others. Misdirected anger. Tired of the self-pitying from her. The "I should leave her." "She can't get better." blah, blah, blah. I've been divorced once already (non-A W; different issues entirely). Don't really want to be divorced again. What I want . . . what I tell her I want . . . is a HEALTHY spouse. She asked me if I still loved her and I had to honestly say: I'm not sure anymore. Not just because of the DWI - that's just the latest. There's been all the lying about who, what, where and when. The "secret" stashes of "the blue bottle." Coming home tanked and, then, being . . . well, her sober personality is just different than her drunk personality. Her drunk personality is just so irrational. Says irrational things (things that make you go "huh?") about things on the television or world events; she's more confrontational/combative. And physically she's so unsteady - sways, stumbles. Lord knows I have my own issues. Far from perfect am I, but alcohol/drug addiction is not one of these issues. It's hard for me to relate to putting some THING over my spouse or my child. Not sure why I'm choosing to write today. Not even sure I'm looking for a response. I think I just need to vent a bit. . . and to know that there ARE others out there going through all of this. Thanks. |
Welcome to SR! You'll find a lot of support here. We have several men who post here whose wives are alcoholics. I'm sure some of them will be around to share some things that may have helped them. It's a bit slow on weekends, so please, stick around and read and come back often. We're here to support you. :grouphug: |
Originally Posted by MCESaint
(Post 2904502)
This *despite* me telling her on the telephone to take a taxi cab home and texting her the same. She knew the risks; she'd gotten away with driving drunk so many times; and we'd been over and over the consequences. Yet, no change in her. Tired of the self-pitying from her. The "I should leave her." "She can't get better." blah, blah, blah. Don't really want to be divorced again. What I want . . . what I tell her I want . . . is a HEALTHY spouse. There's been all the lying about who, what, where and when. The "secret" stashes of "the blue bottle." Coming home tanked and, then, being . . . well, her sober personality is just different than her drunk personality. Her drunk personality is just so irrational. Says irrational things (things that make you go "huh?") about things on the television or world events; she's more confrontational/combative. And physically she's so unsteady - sways, stumbles. |
Originally Posted by suki44883
(Post 2904508)
Welcome to SR! You'll find a lot of support here. We have several men who post here whose wives are alcoholics. I'm sure some of them will be around to share some things that may have helped them. It's a bit slow on weekends, so please, stick around and read and come back often. We're here to support you. :grouphug: Thanks, Suki. Like I said, I don't know why I chose today to write. I think the stress of this plus the stress of running my own business and dealing with aged parents who are having serious issues (on my side) is just a bit overwhelming. After my divorce (again to a non-AW), I went through therapy to work on my issues. I dealt with several, but probably not all. Still a work in progress (probably to the grave). I've asked her time and time again to go to individual therapy to deal with *her* issues which, I think, contribute to her alcoholism. Her insecurities, her issues with her parents, etc. But, it never happened. And to get to *any* of those other issues, having to conquer this disease too. It's an enormous task, but - as I tell her - one does not climb Mt. Everest in a single step, in a single day. It's done in many steps over the course of much time. But, I recognize that I'm near the end of MY rope. Or so it feels today. A drowning life guard does nobody any good. You can lead a horse to water. You can be enormously patient while it ignores the water and eats loco weed. You can point out the benefits of water and the hazards of loco weed. But, you cannot make the horse drink the water. I can't speak for anyone else, but, at some point, I just get just plain tired and my patience wears out with the horse. She's a lovely person (sober), good at her job, and good mother (sober). That's what makes it both tough . . . and a shame. |
Hi, and welcome, Yeah, it IS a shame. You're in the right place, though. Stick around. I think you would benefit from Al-Anon. Seems to me she ought to make her own arrangements for getting to work while she is without wheels. Her mess, let her figure it out. Getting your daughter to school activities will be a challenge, but that you can appropriately help with. Maybe some carpool arrangements can be made with the other parents, or you could offer gas money if they are willing to transport her. |
Yeah, bummer...has she figured out how she's going to get to work tomorrow? |
Originally Posted by tjp613
(Post 2904555)
Yeah, bummer...has she figured out how she's going to get to work tomorrow? Not sure she's figured it out yet after her 15 days is up. I know I cannot - we work in two different directions. I've known of cases where the accused drunk driver can go into court and request a stay of the revocation - arguing that they didn't really refuse to blow into the breathalyzer. Ironically, one of these situations is where the drunk person totaled their car (single car accident) and was taken to the ER with serious injuries and, therefore, argued that she could not have "refused" to consent given that she was being treated with pain meds, etc. Whether she applies for such a stay is up to her lawyer; whether she gets such a stay is up to the courts/prosecutor. |
This *despite* me telling her on the telephone to take a taxi cab home and texting her the same. I'm so angry right now that I can barely speak to her. There's a good chance she'll lose her driver's license for 1 year. If she does, she *might* be eligible for a restricted driver's license after 90-days - but that's just to/from work. Her inability to drive is a problem for two reasons: (1) I just started my own business and, while I have some clients/work, it's been an adjustment income-wise. Her job - being salaried and steady - is where we have health care, etc. (2) We have a grade school aged child who is in several after school activities. My anger, I think, is over HER actions placing us, our child, and me in such a perilous situation. She knew the risks; she'd gotten away with driving drunk so many times; and we'd been over and over the consequences. Yet, no change in he It's as if no number of consequences matter. Makes no difference. There's no "learning" from the past-- just the same old same old over and over... I'm tired of lying for her - or lying to our friends about the situation. They, of course, needed an explanation. So I gave it to them straight: AW had been arrested for DWI. Now, AW is *mad* at me for "telling them her business." According to her, I should have left our child sleeping in bed, all alone at home. Sorry, no sale. I'm ok leaving our child alone for an hour during the day - she's old enough for that - but for me to simply disappear from the house unexplained at night - no way. That's messed up. And that's how messed up HER thinking is. I think rationally she knows I did the correct thing. But, she's mad at HERSELF for this mess . . . and takes it out inappropriately on others. Misdirected anger. Tired of the self-pitying from her. The "I should leave her." "She can't get better." blah, blah, blah. I've been divorced once already (non-A W; different issues entirely). Don't really want to be divorced again. What I want . . . what I tell her I want . . . is a HEALTHY spouse. Not sure why I'm choosing to write today. Not even sure I'm looking for a response. I think I just need to vent a bit. . . and to know that there ARE others out there going through all of this. I've asked her time and time again to go to individual therapy to deal with *her* issues which, I think, contribute to her alcoholism. Her insecurities, her issues with her parents, etc. But, it never happened. It's an enormous task, but - as I tell her - one does not climb Mt. Everest in a single step, in a single day. It's done in many steps over the course of much time. But, I recognize that I'm near the end of MY rope. Or so it feels today. A drowning life guard does nobody any good. You can lead a horse to water. You can be enormously patient while it ignores the water and eats loco weed. You can point out the benefits of water and the hazards of loco weed. But, you cannot make the horse drink the water. I can't speak for anyone else, but, at some point, I just get just plain tired and my patience wears out with the horse. She's a lovely person (sober), good at her job, and good mother (sober). That's what makes it both tough . . . and a shame. I'm sorry you're going through all this... |
I hear what you are saying. It so clear. Mine is the same, except she never got the DWI, and doesn't/hasn't worked. Yours has not hit rock bottom. You are still there, picking up the pieces. If you've read my posts, you know I'm gonna say.........RUN. She put her selfish needs above all else. And now must face the consequence. I'm familiar with the rage at spilling the beans. they don't like to face the reality of what they are and do. In their mind, we are the problem. they don't have any problems. Can you see the disconnect from reality? In order to keep her problem a secret, she was perfectly ok with leaving your child at home alone. What reasonable parent would do this? You know the answer. She will not change. There is no catalyst for change. Why should she? The DWI is a plus for your side in a custody battle. Go lawyer up, take the next step, move on. And find someone who can behave like an adult. I wish I would have left mine 20 years ago. But here I am. Still trying to make it work. My life is a little better than it was. but it is a far cry from what I "thought" it would be. She crossed the line, you have no obligation to stay. But ultimately, the decision is yours and yours alone. I know what I'd do, and what I wish I had done. |
Saint, I'm so sorry you are going through this, and welcome. Keep reading, and you'll find lots of support here. Has your T ever suggested Al Anon? I highly recommend it. It really helps put things into perspective, especially the things you can do about your situation. If it were me, i would have left her in jail. |
She's a lovely person (sober), good at her job, and good mother (sober). That's what makes it both tough . . . and a shame. The irrationality won't change until she wants to change more than she wants to drink. Only she knows when that is, and only you know what your boundaries are and how much rope you have to offer. Opening up with someone outside the family system was a positive step though. |
Thanks to all. I guess it's the sense of understanding here. I don't need to translate or explain. My friends are understanding too, but it's not the same because they haven't been there. This is how I feel: if I had been playing with matches/fire on our wood deck - doing things like lighting sticks on fire on it, etc. - and she had told me "don't do that! you're going to go too far one day and set it and the house on fire" about, oh, a million times - yet, I still did it AND the deck and house caught on fire, how would she feel about me? Well, she's the one who set the house on fire and burned it down. It's not an "accident" - it's not a mistake. Adding 2+2 and getting 5 is a mistake. This is purposeful behavior that sooner or later was going to lead to disaster. Given that, I have no desire to rebuild the house with her. Maybe it's like the other thread state: perhaps I've hit MY rock bottom. |
*hugs* to you Saint, and Welcome. I hope you stick around. SR has saved my hide many times over. I also hope you find some Al-Anon meetings and attend. There's nothing like IRL support. |
Great analogy with the burning down of the house... I've often wondered how my AH would have treated me if I ever did even one of the crappy things he's done to the girls and I. I've forgiven more in this lifetime than I can keep track of but if I lose my cool, cry, get angry etc.... you better believe I'm going to hear about my "crime" forever... Like you said, I think whether he's reached his bottom or not, I have reached mine as it sounds you have reached yours with your W. I'll tell you this-- my daughters are a lot more peaceful and calm and gentle with one another with my H being out of the house. It's the difference in terms of how kids seem when the A is out of the picture that really makes it clear there's a noticeable difference when he's gone... How is your D doing? |
Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy
(Post 2905164)
Great analogy with the burning down of the house... I've often wondered how my AH would have treated me if I ever did even one of the crappy things he's done to the girls and I. I've forgiven more in this lifetime than I can keep track of but if I lose my cool, cry, get angry etc.... you better believe I'm going to hear about my "crime" forever... Like you said, I think whether he's reached his bottom or not, I have reached mine as it sounds you have reached yours with your W. I'll tell you this-- my daughters are a lot more peaceful and calm and gentle with one another with my H being out of the house. It's the difference in terms of how kids seem when the A is out of the picture that really makes it clear there's a noticeable difference when he's gone... How is your D doing? When AW went into rehab before (an out patient program) and was going to AA meetings, I sat my D down and we had a talk about how mom had this sickness and, therefore, was needing to go get better by doing these things. She's an only child so she's use to having us - and mom in particular - around. D hasn't said much this time around. And when I ask her if she wants to talk about anything, she just says "no." For the past few nights, I've been sleeping in the basement. I've got nowhere else to go, really. AW asked said a few days back: "aren't you going to yell at me?" I said "no. It doesn't do any good." And left it at that. I'm "civil" to AW, but there's clearly a lot of distance between us. So, D sees that happening. My heart breaks for her. |
Originally Posted by MCESaint
(Post 2904502)
(1) I just started my own business and, while I have some clients/work, it's been an adjustment income-wise. Her job - being salaried and steady - is where we have health care, etc. (2) We have a grade school aged child who is in several after school activities. My anger, I think, is over HER actions placing us, our child, and me in such a perilous situation. She knew the risks; she'd gotten away with driving drunk so many times; and we'd been over and over the consequences. Yet, no change in her. My AH hasn't gotten a DWI, or any other legal trouble... yet... but it's only a matter of time. What I have learned through Al-anon is that I have choices. I don't have to sit and be a victim to the consequences of my husband's choices. I can't control him and his drinking but I do have to take care of myself, and protect myself and our children - whatever that means for me. For the longest time, that meant not letting him have a debit card for the joint checking. And then it meant, taking separate vehicles to parties because I couldn't trust him to stay sober. Most recently, he got physical with me... so protecting me now means separating from him and getting a divorce. Protecting me and what that looks like has changed and evolved with time. I've been in Al-anon for over 6 years now and it's helped me make decisions that I have been okay with and at peace with. It's given me back my dignity even with all the undignified behavior I was surrounded by. |
Hi, you have come to a great place, i just recently found SR, and i cannot stop coming back. Just knowing that there are others out there that know exactly what you are going through, helps so much more than you could imagine, your freinds can only understand so much, unless they have lived this, they will never understand. Been seperated from my ABF for 2 months, together 4 years and one 2yo son. Like your W, he is great father, BF, person, uncle, when he is SOBER, when he has been drinking, it is whole other story, the biggest jerk ever to everyone, and thinks it's funny, he thinks he is so cool, ugh. So of course the fact that i love who he is when he is sober, kept me hangin on, and also him not being a raging A, ie. physically abusive, out at all hours, getting DUI's, kept thinking he is "not that bad", he could be worse. Well they are all the same no matter what, it is all about them, and it is always something or someone else fault. He would go out to a freinds house and come home drunk, but he "wasnt planning on it" that was always his excuse. I would pray he would get a DUI, so that could be my definate reason for leaving him, having a DUI where we live is a very costly thing, and with him already not being able to pay his part of the bills, a DUI would just make that so much worse and i was not going to suffer any more for his problem. I would try to not let what he did affect me and go on with my life, but when someone you love is alcoholic no matter how hard you try, it is going to affect you and your CHILD. we had seperated many times before but i wasnt ready to give up, i knew when enough was enough it would be enough, and that day was 1/11/11, a big fight and him getting phyical, how could he do that? Alcohol. He would never in million years, i was never afraid of him even drunk, alcohol. in front of our son, Alcohol. i had hit my bottom, thank god! What will your bottom be? How much more can you take? It sounds like not much more, I wish the best for you and you D, it hurts so much to know what a good person your A can be, and that they are killing themselves and the future that you once dreamed of together. It is heartbreaking to know that there is nothing you can do to help them, "I love him/her, i am supposed to be there for them, what can i do?" Nothing, the more you try to help, sticking around, figuring out how to keep it together, all by your self, the more she will just what she i gonna do, letting her addiction bring you all down. |
When you get some time, read the post on the ACOA. (On the main page of SR). (ACOA) = Adult Children Of Alcoholics... Imagine in a few years, that could be "YOUR CHILD" writting those post about their mom & dad... |
Originally Posted by MCESaint
(Post 2904502)
They, of course, needed an explanation. So I gave it to them straight: AW had been arrested for DWI. Now, AW is *mad* at me for "telling them her business." For the first time in the ten years we'd lived here I told one person in our neighborhood the truth. Of course she had no idea. Was instantly understanding and compassionate. It was a big relief to me. While very active in his addictions, AH accuses me of "defaming" him if I reach out to a sibling (who already knows he is an A) and tell her I'm feeling scared because AH won't pick up his phone, what if he o.d.ed? Etc. He uses words like "defamation" and "character assassination". I am not supposed to confide in anyone (and believe me, as an ACOA, I'm already a very good secret-keeper and not easily inclined to confide/trust/let the cat out of the bag); not even allowed to talk to my own family who already knows he is an A; and we have A's in our own family as well so its no secret. He scowls at me that this is built on anonymity. What is, the program... or the addiction? Thanks for sharing; you aren't alone and you remind others that they are not alone as well. ~emp919 |
Originally Posted by MCESaint
(Post 2905181)
AW asked said a few days back: "aren't you going to yell at me?" I've always appreciated this is a very important change in dynamics .... and a critical piece of the Al-Anon puzzle....when we stop yelling, pleading, crying, and wringing our hands. Where to they look for their excuses now? They have nowhere to go but "IN". It's one step in the right direction. Good for you, Saint. :c011: |
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