All this is new to me . . . and I am really lost . . .
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Huntsville, AL
Posts: 1
All this is new to me . . . and I am really lost . . .
Seven months ago, I met the most wonderful, caring man and fell in love with him before I came to understand he was a functional alcoholic.
He has been to AA twice, rehab once, and has one DUI. He admits to being an alcoholic. He said doesn't like the religious tone of AA so he tried a different type of AA meeting --- but stopped going. I think that he is full of excuses, in denial, and experiencing a STRONG depression.
He takes Lorazapam (sp?) and says that he doesn't drink everyday --- but I see him with some type of alcohol always in his hand or close by. Also, he has a high tolerance for beer and wine.
I have never been around anyone who drinks. Three months ago, I started to really notice the depression --- so I gave him the choice of working to improve or I would leave. At this point he asked if he needed to give up the drinking. This was my first clue as to a drinking problem. I asked if he was an alcoholic -- he said that he was pretty close to one -- but that he could give it up if I wanted. Due to my lack of knowledge --- I said that it would be fine if he didn't drink to get drunk (which he has since done three times that I know of).
He has begun to exercise more and get a medical check up. The depression seems better.
This weekend I asked him again if he was an alcoholic --- he said yes.
Now I don't know what to do. I NEVER wanted to be in love with a functional alcohol --- AND in my heart I know that it will progressively get worse. He is so wonderful in every way but I feel that if I press the issue he will hide the drinking and just lie about it. I feel powerless to give him an ultimatum because I am worried that I am his only hope.
What can I do? I am so lost . . .
He has been to AA twice, rehab once, and has one DUI. He admits to being an alcoholic. He said doesn't like the religious tone of AA so he tried a different type of AA meeting --- but stopped going. I think that he is full of excuses, in denial, and experiencing a STRONG depression.
He takes Lorazapam (sp?) and says that he doesn't drink everyday --- but I see him with some type of alcohol always in his hand or close by. Also, he has a high tolerance for beer and wine.
I have never been around anyone who drinks. Three months ago, I started to really notice the depression --- so I gave him the choice of working to improve or I would leave. At this point he asked if he needed to give up the drinking. This was my first clue as to a drinking problem. I asked if he was an alcoholic -- he said that he was pretty close to one -- but that he could give it up if I wanted. Due to my lack of knowledge --- I said that it would be fine if he didn't drink to get drunk (which he has since done three times that I know of).
He has begun to exercise more and get a medical check up. The depression seems better.
This weekend I asked him again if he was an alcoholic --- he said yes.
Now I don't know what to do. I NEVER wanted to be in love with a functional alcohol --- AND in my heart I know that it will progressively get worse. He is so wonderful in every way but I feel that if I press the issue he will hide the drinking and just lie about it. I feel powerless to give him an ultimatum because I am worried that I am his only hope.
What can I do? I am so lost . . .
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
First off, you are NOT his "only hope". Alcoholics can recover when they are ready to do the necessary work, when they want to stay sober more than they want to drink.
I've yet to see any alcoholic quit because someone else wanted them to, or because the other person in his life was so "special" it was worth quitting for her.
Sounds like he's being as honest with you as he is capable of, and he is warning you that you are in for a bumpy ride with him.
Personally, I wouldn't sign on for this "project". You have only been dating for a few months, and it will only be harder to walk away if you invest more of your heart and your life than you already have.
He knows where he can find help. When he's ready, he can go back and get serious about it. My own suggestion would be that you ask him to give you a call when he's been sober for a year. Seriously.
I've yet to see any alcoholic quit because someone else wanted them to, or because the other person in his life was so "special" it was worth quitting for her.
Sounds like he's being as honest with you as he is capable of, and he is warning you that you are in for a bumpy ride with him.
Personally, I wouldn't sign on for this "project". You have only been dating for a few months, and it will only be harder to walk away if you invest more of your heart and your life than you already have.
He knows where he can find help. When he's ready, he can go back and get serious about it. My own suggestion would be that you ask him to give you a call when he's been sober for a year. Seriously.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 103
I hate to say it, but I agree with Lexie here.
I love my husband ... I do. But the hurt from the lies, the manipulation, etc., from the last three years ... they are hard to overcome. He was an alcoholic when we met and I was so invested in making the relationship work regardless of the pain inflicted upon me that I didn't take care of myself. I am now suffering.
My husband got out of rehab a few days ago (see above post) and it's going to be a long road. I hope we make it, I do. I love him, I do. But if I knew then what I know now? I would've walked until he had gotten help/worked the program. If it's supposed to be, things will work out. If not, you'll find someone who can help take care of you while taking care of themselves ... you won't have to take care of them (and the bills, the kids, the dogs, the cooking, the house, etc.). It will be a more normal and healthy relationship where you work things out and communicate. On my wedding day six months ago, I didn't think I'd be here. Again, if I knew then what I know now ...
ETA: This quote right here ...
"I said that it would be fine if he didn't drink to get drunk (which he has since done three times that I know of)."
I did this. "Only drink a few a night, etc." Regardless of the promises he makes, he will most likely break them. It will be a lot of heartache. He needs to get into treatment. Alcoholics only drink to get drunk ... their problem isn't beer in general, it's the first beer or the first drop of whatever his drink of choice is. He needs to not have that first drink.
I love my husband ... I do. But the hurt from the lies, the manipulation, etc., from the last three years ... they are hard to overcome. He was an alcoholic when we met and I was so invested in making the relationship work regardless of the pain inflicted upon me that I didn't take care of myself. I am now suffering.
My husband got out of rehab a few days ago (see above post) and it's going to be a long road. I hope we make it, I do. I love him, I do. But if I knew then what I know now? I would've walked until he had gotten help/worked the program. If it's supposed to be, things will work out. If not, you'll find someone who can help take care of you while taking care of themselves ... you won't have to take care of them (and the bills, the kids, the dogs, the cooking, the house, etc.). It will be a more normal and healthy relationship where you work things out and communicate. On my wedding day six months ago, I didn't think I'd be here. Again, if I knew then what I know now ...
ETA: This quote right here ...
"I said that it would be fine if he didn't drink to get drunk (which he has since done three times that I know of)."
I did this. "Only drink a few a night, etc." Regardless of the promises he makes, he will most likely break them. It will be a lot of heartache. He needs to get into treatment. Alcoholics only drink to get drunk ... their problem isn't beer in general, it's the first beer or the first drop of whatever his drink of choice is. He needs to not have that first drink.
Last edited by putmeontheair; 03-20-2011 at 12:47 PM. Reason: Reread original posting
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Desert Southwest
Posts: 192
Listen to your own heart. You wrote, "...I know that it will get progressively worse."
As someone who has stayed in a marriage with an Ah who's been drinking for about 22 years now, you don't want to do this to yourself.
I almost left 15 years ago. I regret that I didn't.
And, FYI Lorazepam - PubMed Health
The medication he is on is occasionally used to assist with anxiety from alcohol withdrawals. It's intended to be used by those who aren't drinking. Your AB is actively drinking, right?
It says in the article above that this drug is intended for short term use, up to 4 months. And, it's is addictive.
As someone who has stayed in a marriage with an Ah who's been drinking for about 22 years now, you don't want to do this to yourself.
I almost left 15 years ago. I regret that I didn't.
And, FYI Lorazepam - PubMed Health
The medication he is on is occasionally used to assist with anxiety from alcohol withdrawals. It's intended to be used by those who aren't drinking. Your AB is actively drinking, right?
It says in the article above that this drug is intended for short term use, up to 4 months. And, it's is addictive.
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