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i think i've hit MY rock bottom, never mind his...

Old 03-19-2011, 07:25 PM
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i think i've hit MY rock bottom, never mind his...

i had a very upsetting night last night.. and was wondering whether anyone could give me some advice.

a very short recap on our situation: my boyfriend is 24, and a wonderful boyfriend to me. our relationship really is perfect apart from the drinking of course. i should point out that he is never abusive or mean to me when he is drunk, in fact he becomes very loving, huggy, etc. but he gets drunk to the point of not being able to stand up. he holds down a job which he is doing well in, (misses the occasional day of work due to drink, maybe once or twice a month but they are very lenient, which is lucky for him). pays his share of rent bills etc, in fact he is more responsible in that area than i am, making sure bills get paid on time. he cut out hard liquor after i confronted him about his drinking about a year and a half ago, only drinks beer now. he used to drink whisky and beer every day back then. now he drinks beer i'd say 3-5 times a week and gets blind drunk 1-2 weeks. it is an improvement but of course still not good enough. he knows he has a problem and said that he is not ready to quit drinking. his mother and father are successfully recovered alcoholics. we've been together for 2 1/2 mostly happy years. i do NOT want to leave him because of this.

last night we brought several friends back to our place for a little after party (my friend played a show) and even though we had had a problem the night before when he got drunk on a work night and brought his even more drunk (and highly obnoxious) friend home with us, i decided that things would be fine. BAD decision. i could kick myself.

i stayed up with them until about 4am (later than i usually do) when and my friend and i decided to crash out for the night. about 3 hours later i still wasn't getting any sleep due to the noise they were making in the kitchen so i decided to go out and give them a piece of my mind.

this is what i saw:

my bf swaying unsteadily, eyes rolling, blood pouring from a cut in his hand, blood all over the kitchen floor, and another drunk dumba** standing there laughing. i called for my friend to come help and we together got the bleeding to stop and bandaged him up. all the while he was telling my friend to leave him the hell alone, if he wanted to bleed all over the kitchen floor he would. it was kind of a small cut but it was bleeding fairly heavily over the floor and i'm pretty worried that if i hadn't come out when i did he may have just collapsed from blood loss? am i being irrational? see, i'm second guessing myself all the time.

i just lost it and told everyone to either go to sleep or get out. they proceeded to leave, except another obnoxious friend of his who kept repeatedly laying his hands on my boyfriend's neck to try to choke him out, with me screaming "leave him alone! just go!"

finally i got everyone out and proceeded to get him to the bed, which took a lot of effort on my part. twice this morning i carried his drunk self to the bathroom and back to make sure he didn't walk out into the apartment building hallway naked by mistaking the front door for the bathroom door (which he did a few weeks ago- i laid into him about that, saying he could have been arrested, we could have been evicted for that)

i cried all this morning, while he hugged me close and told me 'don't be sad, i love you so much' in his slurry voice.. that just broke my heart. i cried for him and me.

i just don't know what to do any more.
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Old 03-19-2011, 07:31 PM
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I'm sorry you are still having problems with your boyfriend's drinking. As you know, alcoholism is progressive. It never gets better unless the person gets help. It doesn't sound like he's interested in recovery, so the question becomes how much more or this kind of behavior are you willing to live with?
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Old 03-19-2011, 07:38 PM
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i'm not willing to live with this kind of behaviour any more. he is still sleeping it off right now, and i have written him a long letter telling him that things need to change, i can't take it any more. i also have a video (which my friend took last night) and pictures of the blood all over the floor which i am going to show him when he awakes.

it all remains to be seen what he will do.
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Old 03-19-2011, 07:40 PM
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I can pretty much tell you what he'll do. Not much of anything of any substance. Oh, maybe he'll apologize and say things got out of hand, it won't happen again, he'll cut back on the drinking, quack, quack, quack.

When you have truly had enough, it won't matter what he does or doesn't do. You will be done. Until then, you'll probably continue the dance.
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Old 03-19-2011, 07:42 PM
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Trust me, it only gets worse. It is a very tough road to travel and you are young. You deserve better and life is too short to babysit someone. You derserve a loving partner and not a child. I would get out if I were you but only you can decide.

Good Luck.
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Old 03-19-2011, 07:48 PM
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reading your last post where you said, "I do NOT want to leave him over this" tore me up a little bit.
None of us do.
Mine is like yours. Sweet.
Does it change the yuck?
Nope.

It hurts, girl.
But you have ONE life.

I understand your desire to give him the letter, show him pictures...I spent over a year doing everything I could. Talking, crying, arguing, therapy, forcing him to therapy...on an on.
Didn't make a whit of difference, made him feel controlled, manipulated and like a jerk and didn't help the relationship.

I am finally getting it that he gets to do what he wants when he wants it and what he wants is to be exactly how he is being (duh, FP).
The problem is that I don't want to be with someone making those choices.

Your talking to him is for you. It may help you get it off your chest. It may be that you are addictively compelled to try to change him for as long as you are.
Eventually, you will give up trying to force him to be someone he's not.
Looks like you're close.

Hugs to you. It hurts. Considering giving up all their wonderfulness because of some dumb thing like alcohol!!
We understand.
You're worth it.

peace
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Old 03-19-2011, 07:57 PM
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i know i deserve someone who doesn't drink. however, i was with an emotionally abusive man for several years previously who never touched a drink yet treated me terribly and wrecked my life mentally and financially. i did successfully leave him eventually and it was hard but the best decision i ever made for myself. so i have been through this before. loved him but knew that i would NEVER be happy with him so i took my life back into my own hands.

this however is much much harder. i do not want to leave him because he IS truly the one i want to be with. maybe there is a better person out there who does not have a drinking problem but i don't want to be with them, i want this one. i know that i will stick by him even if he doesn't take my letter seriously and make some positive steps towards quitting drinking. but i am hoping he will.

of course there will always be a limit. if he ever showed violence towards me i would leave (and i am very firm on that) however he is the sweetest, kindest man sober OR drunk and the best thing to ever happen to me. we really do love each other very much and have discussed this subject at length over and over again.

i think i just want some advice on how to cope with the outcome. is there any way you can successfully influence a loved one to quit drinking? and want to quit drinking? if you show them that you yourself are in a pit of despair and they are the ones who have put you there?
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Old 03-19-2011, 08:01 PM
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is there any way you can successfully influence a loved one to quit drinking? No.

and want to quit drinking? No.

if you show them that you yourself are in a pit of despair and they are the ones who have put you there? No.

Sorry, but the answer to all those questions is no, if he is an alcoholic. You didn't cause it, you cannot control it and you cannot cure it. I know that's hard to hear, but it's the truth.
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Old 03-19-2011, 08:02 PM
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thank you findingpeace1

in your reply you say: 'mine is like yours'.. does that mean that you are still with him? are you still dealing with this? have you made the decision to stick by him no matter what (within reason)?
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Old 03-19-2011, 08:07 PM
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Findingpeace appears to be offline. You can click on her username and find more posts by her and read her story.
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Old 03-19-2011, 08:13 PM
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hi suki,

i understand that they have to want to do it themselves... i'm actually hoping that him seeing the huge problems and my unhappiness will shake him up, force him to face the consequences of his actions and make him want to do something. there has to be a reason for them to want to change...

the problem is that i don't want to walk out on him and say "contact me when you're sober" because i said that i would always stand by him, not to mention i am seriously concerned that if i did leave him he would end up hurting himself if i wasn't not around to take care of him (a perfect example of that is, if i hadn't turned up and seen his hand bleeding, he could have bled to death). i know that is a kind of enabling, and no i don't want to be someone's babysitter, but when you love someone you will always put their safety first. there is no way i would want my leaving him to put his life at risk. i know it would not be my fault, but that would be cold comfort to me. arghh this is so hard.
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Old 03-19-2011, 08:18 PM
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Hon, a hundred different people here have said those exact words. You can read the stories of women like you right here on this forum. They all thought, hoped, prayed, that something, anything they might say would cause a light bulb to go off over their alcoholic's head and they'd suddenly realize what they have been doing. It just doesn't happen that way. I'm sorry.

I can guarantee you that almost every single one of them would strongly suggest that you get out while you can. You are already in a worse position than you were the first time you posted a few months ago. If you continue on in a relationship with an alcoholic, I can promise you that the next time you post, your situation will be even worse. Please take the advice and heed the experience of those of us who came before you.
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Old 03-19-2011, 08:33 PM
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but i love him. it's not that easy to just walk away. i know because i have walked away from someone i loved before who was wrong for me. it's a hard thing to say, but i'd rather be with him and put up with the situation than be without him. even though i can't take any more... and yes i know i am contradicting myself

he is very close to and looks up to his father who quit drinking some 24 years ago (when my bf was born) and never touched a drop of drink EVER again. he can even watch his son drinking without being affected (same with his mom too although he is closer to his dad) perhaps i should talk to him about this. maybe he can knock some sense into his son. if his father did it then he could do it, you see? i just can't give up hope. not just yet.
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Old 03-19-2011, 08:34 PM
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Instead of repeating what I have so often said here the last 3 months, which is easy to find, and is exactly what everyone else says....let me offer something new.

I'm a grown man. And I went out socially tonight. A social group I belong to had their monthly get together at someone's house. There was lots of excellent food, and a lot of alcohol. I mean a lot. Beer, wine, hard liquor. And almost everyone was drinking. My wife went, and she had club soda. Bravo for her. I digress.

As mentioned previously, I'm all grown up. And I behaved as such. Meaning I had some food, then I had 2 small cocktails. These were very small, probably around an ounce each. On the rocks. And each one sipped slowly over about 30 minutes.

That is how someone without a drinking problem behaves.

I could have pounded down a bottle of anything I wanted, chased it down with beers, and topped it off with wine. Then had a cigar.

That is how an alcoholic or a child might behave.

So the decision is yours. You can find a man who can behave as I described, and maybe live happily ever after. Or you can stay with this guy, and have an exponentially more difficult rest of your life. I can promise the latter choice will not be happily ever after. But it might have a few happy moments. Maybe a dozen.

Choose wisely.
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Old 03-19-2011, 08:39 PM
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You don't love yours any more than we loved ours. I can promise you that. It wasn't any easier for us than it is for you. I can promise you that. But, you aren't ready yet. Even if you were to leave now, chances are very good that within a week, you'd be back. So, keep doing what you are doing and getting what you are getting. I wish you the best.
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Old 03-19-2011, 08:43 PM
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Hi Pandora,
I haven't been on this forum for months, because I was in denial about how bad things had gotten with me and my boyfriend, very similar to yours.
I didn't want to see all the stories of unsuccessful attempts others had made of "fixing" or "helping" the ones they loved. I really convinced myself that things were different with my ABF, and that if I just did such and such, or said this and that, he would finally realize what he was doing to me, him, and our future, and want to stop.

It doesn't work that way.

I can't force someone into recovery. My A step dad was forced into recovery by a judge, went to AA for over a year, blah blah blah.
He's drunker now than he ever was before. It wasn't a genuine recovery, because he never wanted it in the first place. He did it to pacify others.

I am getting out. I am leaving, because I have decided that I need to value my own life, happiness, and health more than I value his. If my ABF wants to kill himself after I'm gone, it's his decision. He is a grown man, and deserves the dignity to live his life the same way i deserve the dignity to live mine.

And coming from my experience, making threats that you don't intend to follow up on only gives them the go ahead to abuse you further. Having no intention of leaving, but threatening that you will, is lying to him. Kind of sinks to his level, in my opinion. He doesn't care what it's doing to you, he doesn't care what it's doing to him. The only person that can do something about what his drinking is doing to you... is YOU. You can choose to stick around and watch it get worse, or you can choose to go.

Good luck in whatever you decide.

Man am I glad to be back, it helps so much to know I am not alone.
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Old 03-19-2011, 08:53 PM
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Two things I would recommend.
One is read Codependent No More by Melody Beattie and things will make more sense.
Two is click on my name and read from my first post.
Or any other person on this forum.
Our stories are so eeirly similar.

Your AB and my AH are the sweet type.
I had NO intention of leaving my husband when I started my journey with SR and alanon.
NO intention.
I was right where you are.

I was just stuck and looking for help.

I found the only one I can help was myself.

Keep reading. Read the stickies at the top of the forum.

Listen to the 10's, 100's, 1000's (perhaps 100's of 1000's!) of people that have posted on the F&F forum through time. They will tell you the same thing.

You can not control it.
You can not cure it.
You did not cause it.

Feel free to PM me if you want details.

Hugs,
peace
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Old 03-19-2011, 09:01 PM
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Pandora, you sound very confused. Yes, you are contradicting yourself. You say you are not content with your relationship yet say you are in a perfect relationship...but with an alcoholic? There is no such thing. Alcoholics aren't emotionally available to have a relationship with anyone. The only relationship in their life is with their substance. You can't compete, you can't cure, you can't control...you just can't.

But what you can do is make your own choices about the kind of life you want to live. You, not him. Letting go of the dream is the hardest for all of us here. Men and women alike. We've all had to let go of the dream of what we thought things were going to be like. Accept our reality as it is today. And deal with it accordingly.

You have power here - its just not power over anyone else but yourself. And that is really an amazing thing once it dawns on you...you don't have to go through this anymore... you can go have a healthy balanced relationship with someone who is not an addict.
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Old 03-19-2011, 09:02 PM
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thank you for your responses.

suki you are perfectly right, i am not ready right now to leave. i do appreciate your concern and i know that you are trying to spare me the suffering that you have gone through. but i can't leave him. not now. things may change in the future to make me reconsider but right now the good far outweighs the bad. and for me that means something.

zrx: my boyfriend can go out with me to social events, friends' houses, have friends over to us, and drink 'normally'. he does this quite often. but then he makes a decision (and he has told me this) that he just wants to get drunk. and so he does. he has also gone out on his own without me (not often, only if i decide not to go out because i'm tired etc) and come back after a couple of beers. THIS is the part that baffles me.

because say, the 3rd or 4th or 5th time... he will get absolutely smashed to the point where he has to practically be carried home. he can decide at will whether he wants to get drunk or not. he can also hang out with certain friends playing magic the gathering all day long and not drinking even so much as a drop of beer.

i know this: out of every single person i know, ours is hands down the happiest relationship. our single friends say how they hope to find a relationship as good as ours, our friends with partners comment on how they wish they were as happy as we are. situations aren't always completely black and white.

some of the 'friends' he hangs out with drink even more than he does and i am worried about their influence. it can simply be a matter of who he is hanging out with as to how much he will drink. you know, pressure, 'go on, have one more' etc. i despise these so-called 'friends'. there is one in particular that i have banned from ever setting foot in our house again. and one more that i avoid contact with as much as possible.

i am learning how to detach myself from his drinking.. yesterday i went on a long hike to clear my head and told myself.. no matter what happens, i am going to be alright.
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Old 03-19-2011, 09:08 PM
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Well, alrighty then. You've come here and poured out your heart, listened to our responses, defended your position and plan to stay where you are. My question is, why did you seek out an alcohol recovery board in the first place? Why did you come back a second time? I'm not trying to be argumentative, and I don't expect you to answer those questions here on the board. It's just something to think about. You came to us for a reason. You came back again, for a reason. Just think about it. Again, I wish you the best.
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