Stimmed

Tally/Tuffgirl have put it a lot better than i could...

and have prompted me to add a little explanation...

The latter part of my post was trying to tell you, that no matter how i felt about her i just could not stop at any time we were together. Or even after, 'until' i reached the bottom. Thing is, even tho you both show some classic Alcoholic/Enabler relationship signs, i cannot say for certain that he 'is' an Alcoholic (but quite possible), but! i most certainly agree that you yourself are acting out an Enabler's way of doing things. Its tough to swallow, i know, but thats about the size of it. This will grind you down and wont be nice at all.

As for anyone not wishing you luck... i dont agree, as i have already given mine, and besides its not in my nature not to... but!! >>>You're gonna need it if you stay<<<, if you dont?... who doesn't need a bit of luck in life anyway?! ;-)

A good point Tuffgirl made about posting in Acoholism to maybe hear others who reached their bottom, 'is just that, a good point', simply because if this guy is truely addicted to Alcohol, then please trust me when i say 'you dont want to be around', and on top of that... chances are you wont be. If you have any value on your own self respect and that of others who will most certainly be connected to you, you will get out while you still have the wisdom to do so. Just as my X did. Remember she had it for 10yrs, and i learned (from sources, not her) it took quite some time for her to recover, next to the fact she will still have plenty of memories when prompted.

Did it ever cross your mind that my partner and i had talks, serious talks?
Of course we did, and i couldn't tell you how many.
Yes they shook me up! and i behaved, really good lad for a time! but i was still 'addicted'.

I dont know much about the meetings suggested, but i believe they would help you.
Your other half? Find out 'for sure' if he is addicted or not... then you can make the right decision.

I dont mean to make fun but... remember that old saying... 'Love is Blind'

Best o Luck to you, really :-)

ps... remember that an addicts mind serves only itself. If he refuses to find out for sure, then he should be sacked on those grounds right there right then. Your future well-being will be at stake.

Shellcrusher

The path you're walking will give you one hell of a good lesson.

Thanks to those who are responding with their helpful, life lived experiences. I have a hard time with the toxic BF/GF threads.

Telling a codie to leave their A is like telling the A to leave their bottle. Damn near everyone needs to smash on the rocks before any change happens.

Good luck pandora. I wish you safety and serenity.

LucyA

so, where does YOUR life come into this?
You really can't protect him from every eventuality!
What if he goes out and gets hit by a car, possibly driven by a drunk driver? Would that be your fault, because you weren't there to stop him going out? Or the drunk drivers girlfriends fault for not stopping him from driving?
You don't say how old you are, but as your BF is 24 I'm assuming you're a similar age, you have a lifetime ahead of you to use however you choose to. If you choose to live it attempting to turn an alcoholic into the perfect man then you're going to waste it big time.
If you choose to live it attempting to turn any man into the perfect one then you're still going to waste it but you might have more of your own life in the process!
We can't change anybody!
Not unless they want to change anyway, and you know that, because of the advice you've been given here and your own attitude to it.
You're still going to do your own thing despite all the people who've walked in your shoes already.
And you know what, every single one of the ones who did changed when they were ready, not one second before!
And the same applies to your BF, when he's ready, he'll change, but only for him, not ever for you or anyone else.
Live your life honey, it's so much better when it's lived the way you want it!

pandora999

thank you all so much for your responses... i feel somewhat different to when i first posted my question/plea for help. i know that all of you have lived what i am going through and want to spare me the agony that you have gone through. i don't want this to be the rest of my life. i have made a decision.

we had another big talk last night and i laid it all out for him. that i WOULD leave if things didn't change. i told him it was up to him, but if things didn't improve then he would have to just deal with the consequences. and i actually mean it! i CANNOT stand by and watch the man i love kill himself.

something i should add: i wrote in one of my postings, that he was blackout drunk 1-4 times a week, i actually meant to write 1-4 times a MONTH. i know that it is slightly inconsequential, especially since he got really drunk twice this week, but i just wanted to point out that it's not as much as i wrote.

when we first met, he was drinking one bottle of whiskey a day plus beer and would pass out drunk about 4-5 times a week. and YES i do wonder what the hell i was thinking?? it started out as a fun, party relationship but turned into something much more. but anyway.. i confronted him back then, several months into the relationship and said that i couldn't take this lifestyle anymore, and that i was going to an Al Anon meeting to cope with things and he IMMEDIATELY stopped drinking whiskey- he actually told me recently that it was the fact that i had been driven to attend an Al Anon meeting that prompted him to do something- (and has never touched it since). this brought his stumbling drunk nights to between 1-4 times a month, instead of many times a week. i'm NOT trying to excuse his behavior.. because if i was happy with the way things are right now i wouldn't be here on this site right now asking for advice. the situation is unacceptable and i realize that i DO deserve far better and that this situation is very serious.

he has said to me several times before that when he is ready to cut down his drinking he would, but that he enjoyed getting really drunk, he loves the taste of beer, that it's his personality. when i have asked him to before he would said that he was just having fun and he didn't want to stop. anyway, i told him last night that i had spoken to my friend about moving in with her and if things didn't get better i WOULD move out. i feel that this is a positive step for me, and i am feeling good about making this decision for myself.

he seems to have taken me very seriously and says that he WANTS to do this, that he wants to cut down his drinking, that he CAN control it and that he will NOT get stumbling, blackout drunk any more......now this is a 'see what happens' situation. the ONLY reason i am allowing him to try this- to cut down and not STOP- is because i don't know for sure whether he is an alcoholic or whether he has a problem with drink that he can control on his own, and because he has never offered to try to cut down before, he would just say he didn't want to... (apparently there is a difference, and problem drinkers can cut down but alcoholics can't) so if he is unable to do it, i will know for SURE. i told him that he has ONE chance. and one chance ONLY. if he f's up, i will leave. i said that i was trusting him to do this.

so... i am going to see what happens. if he screws it up then i will know for sure that he is an alcoholic and there really is nothing i can do for him. but at least i have made up my mind that if things go back to the way they were, i will leave. and that's better than being in this limbo.

so i will continue to visit the site and hopefully my knowledge about this situation will grow. thank you all again SO much!

StarCat

My XABF started as a problem drinker, and tried to cut back.
I learned to cross my fingers, but not hold my breath.
Unfortunately in XABF's case, it didn't work, everything escalated, and there was no stopping that freight train.

Ultimately, I decided that it didn't matter whether he was an alcoholic or not.
I had a problem with his drinking, and I had a problem with his wants constantly overriding my needs, and the only way to solve both of those problems was to leave the relationship, because there was no evidence of positive change coming from his end (and I am incapable of changing another human being, and ran out of ways to safely change myself while he was around).



Maybe your ABF can cut back on his own, maybe he can't.
It sounds like you have also already come to that conclusion, which is great!
I just wanted to pop in and let you know what happened in my case.
You have come a long way, emotionally, in such a short time.

Keep looking for answers, and information. It helps so much, and it's great not to feel lonely, isn't it!

Shellcrusher

Good work, pandora.
Setting and keeping boundaries is hard work. The good news, is that you're taking actions to make a change in your life. It may or may not work out the way you wanted it to, but in the long run, you'll continue to get stronger and gain more clarity on what's acceptable and what's not.

At this stage, actions speak louder than words. Be prepared for him to relapse. Don't forget to do something for yourself. I'm talking about something fun, or pampering or whatever. Something just for you.

pandora999

thanks StarCat! what really hit home and made me take my head out of the sand was something that Babyblue said:

'I see the love you have for him but knowledge is key....the reality is he is already putting his life at risk. It only takes ONE bad night of excess for acute alcohol poisoning to occur, and unless you are a paramedic, nothing you will do can save him from that.'

that just hit me so hard. and suddenly the idea of walking away from the love of my life suddenly didn't seem so bad. definitely better than waking up one morning to find him cold.

thank you Shellcrusher.. i feel so much more positive about things. it also felt good to lay down the law, as it were he might be alright with living a reckless life, but i'm not, and if he wants to keep me, and our happy life together, then he needs to pull his finger out. i'm not gonna take any more of this cr@p. i hope for his sake that he can do this.

FindingPeace1

I hate to be so negative, but get ready for him hiding the drinking.
(insert rollercoaster smiley here)

Tuffgirl

I have to agree with Pandora's strategy - I did the same thing. I moved out last August and refused to come home unless he stopped drinking. He agreed, said he could, that he wasn't an alcoholic and could stop anytime and knew he was overdoing it...blah blah quack. This is when I found Al-Anon. I chose to believe him, moved back in and had a wonderful peaceful month that I thought was substance free. Well...he was smoking pot instead.

And I found his stash after a night drinking at my family's "birthday month" dinner, where he had one glass of wine, then the entire bottle, drove us home, smoked, passed out at the base of the toilet, leaving the pot container in the middle of the bedroom floor with some pot actually poking out the top. And it was 8pm. My teenagers were home. I took it and hid it. He woke up around midnight and trashed the house looking for "it" but wouldn't say what "it" was. I wouldn't tell, either. That's when he threw a remote control at me and bruised my arm. That's when I said "you are one hell of a f***ed up man" and he broke down. We had a few more weeks of this kind of back and forth stuff before he finally admitted this wasn't something he could control and agreed to go to AA. But then told those people I was making him go there.

We are now separated. But now I know the truth - this is alcoholism. I needed to know FOR CERTAIN and now I do. Sometimes it takes that.

Do continue to read, seek help for yourself, and consider Al-Anon. It helped me to stay sane through some serious insanity.

We're still married, though. And he's 120 days sober. Or so he says. But I don't care anymore! That's the joy in it all. Keep coming back!

~T

StarCat

Yes!

The same exact set of actions may feel like the perfect answer when we're ready to go through with it, but may leave us constantly doubting ourselves and then eventually relapsing in our own program if we force ourselves to follow through before we're ready.

Timing is everything.
We need to answer our questions first.