FindingPeace1

So, I know I can't change him.
I am done fighting with him.
Talking on the phone has gotten so sad and uncomfortable that we have stopped.
He is doing the taxes and being fabulous about that (and staying in communication by email about that).

I know I need to file, but we are a 15 hour drive away.

First, I have to decide where. If I file here, it will be horribly inconvenient for him and if I file there, the other way round.

A good friend says it would be the kind thing to do to file in his county since I am the one asking for a divorce.

Ugh. Part of me says he is right and part of me doesn't know if I can deal with driving 15 hours every time I need to go to court. Although, it should be fairly simple, with no kids, no alimony, no shared debt. So, maybe there won't be a ton of appearances...

Next, when. If I file now, will there be court dates that will be decided by the court? I have a job that is VERY BUSY in summer (and so does he) and I am afraid if I file soon, I will have to take DAYS off mid week to drive up for court dates and back (or he will) and that could be extremely inconvenient.

I could put it off till fall.
Is that cheesy?
Should I just buck up and make our jobs DEAL?
Should I relax and wait till fall because that makes more sense?

I know, I should meet with a lawyer. I will try to find a non profit help center or something since I don't make much.

Any advice?

LaTeeDa

My divorce didn't require one single court appearance. I went to the courthouse twice to file papers.

Yes, find someone knowledgeable to help you. If you are in CA (I thought once you said you were), every county has a Family Law Facilitator. They are employed by the court to help self-represented people navigate the process. There is no charge for their services. They cannot give legal advice, only procedural guidance. I believe where you file is dependent on length of residency. You may not have a choice because the jurisdiction is determined by where you live and how long you have lived there.

Please get informed. Do not try to make decisions without information. You will get stuck in the mud.

L

zrx1200R

It's never easy. And he will most likely make it more difficult no matter where you file it. What have you endured over the past years? Is it too much for him to be a little inconvenienced for a few months while the legal system works?

once you pull the trigger, he will start behaving differently. Almost for sure. So what. It is your time now. Do what you need to do, and what works best for you. Hasn't he had plenty of time getting things his way or the easy way?

GettingBy

I second LTD - talk to an attorney or other legal resources. I met with an attorney yesterday (first consult was free) - and he armed me with a wealth of knowledge, and knowledge is power.

Divorce is scary and confusing - and probably (IMHO) best handle by folks who know what they are doing.

You don't have to make a decision until you are certain. One step at a time. I have armed myself with the facts, I have an idea of the process... I know it's the right thing to do, yet I'm going to give myself some time to come to peace with the decision.

Be kind to yourself.

Jazzman

My 1st divorce only I appeared in court one time, 2nd one neither had to appear in court. I'm w/ LTD, you don't have enough information to decide yet.

suki44883

Yep, talk to an attorney or someone who knows the ropes. If the divorce is uncontested and there are no children or shared responsibilities, it shouldn't be that involved and your attorney can deal with everything except the court date for the final decree. At least that's how it was for me in my first divorce.

Thumper

Neither my xah nor myself set foot in the court house for our divorce. I met in person with my attny a couple of times because I could as it was really close but even most, if not all, of that could have been done over the phone.

LexieCat

I didn't have to go to court a single time for either of my divorces (though I did have to go to a mandatory parenting class for divorcing parents the first time--that was one evening). My second divorce was in Colorado and I was in NJ--it was all done by mail (I didn't have a lawyer for that one).

If you have to go more than once for an uncontested divorce I'd be surprised.

DMC

Also, divorce can take a LOT longer than you think it might.
My mostly-uncontested, mediated divorce took 9 months.

I did go to court once, he never did, and he mediated by phone from several states away.

naive

take care of yourself. the marriage collapsed because he didn't hold up his end of the deal. you are not in a position to risk your job with court appearances.

i had a non-contested divorce. one court appearance. took 1 minute. if he decides to contest and drag it out, why should you be the one travelling?

i also wouldn't delay. strike while the iron is hot.

and certainly, get some legal advice.

FindingPeace1

Ahh, geez. Thanks!!
I want to do this without lawyers.
So, advice that says people didn't have to go to court (but their lawyers did) doesn't really apply.
LTD, you say you had NO appearances! That sounds great! LOL!
I will work on connecting with some legal aid next week.
One baby step at a time.

BTW

We did mediation through a mediation center. No lawyers (except the mediator) and no court appearances for anyone. All the paperwork was filed through the mail. At the end, a judge reviewed the settlement agreement and signed the divorce decree that we received in the mail a couple days later.

That's not to say that just because we didn't go to court (and neither did any lawyer) that it was a smooth and easy process. We spent a lot of time getting things organized, notarized, and all our i's crossed and t's dotted. And we spent time in mediation sessions (three all together, lasting about 2 hours each to determine custody, finances, and general terms of the divorce.) And there was a lot of waiting for things to move through the mediation and then through the court. From the day we went to our first mediation session to the day we received the divorce decree in the mail was about 10 months (11 months from the day we physically separated.)

Good luck! I hope you can find a way to make it happen with minimal disruption to your life. Despite some of the annoyances and time that it took, I'm so glad that I did go through with it. That process was far less disruptive to my life than staying in that marriage would have been.