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Leaving an alcoholic boyfriend:My Story

Old 03-18-2011, 12:16 PM
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Exclamation Leaving an alcoholic boyfriend:My Story

I've been reading a lot on these forums and some of the advice that resonated frequently was joining and getting support. I need all the help I can get.I'll just start from the beginning.

I was mugged and shot in 2009 and moved back to my hometown for a year off. I had additional surgery and was well into recovery. I had a job and was enrolled in school and everything was going well, except I was pretty lonley. So I began tiptoeing around the drinking in my town inorder to have some social interaction. It was in July 2010, and I was 22, that "Cody" walked back into my life. I say " back" because we dated when i was 16 and he was 19. It was for two weeks and I left Cody on his doorstep because he told me he loved me after a week and acted totally drunk all the time(or high). I also heard him talking to another girl and I heard her saying"Say I love you!"(he wouldnt because he was with me). Anyway, I had more sense as a 16 year old I guess to get the heck away. SO,Cody walks into the restaurant and I hide. Something deep down in me was utterly afraid of Cody in the beginning. For the first three weeks of our relationship, I couldnt look him in the eye. Cody eventually saw me that night and approached me and our relationship began.
Early on I saw warning signs. I saw that Cody had no fruit in his life. No job,schooling, car, or anything good.He had a 3 year old and was divorced.Living with is parents. I told him thats why i couldnt date him and he accussed me of being judgemental, so I backed off. I still refused to be toegther with him until he sent me flowers at work. I really thought this guy must be amazing to send me flowers the first week. One night I came home drunk from a bar(I had drinking abuse issues in 2008-2009 but, I rarely drink now) and Cody told me to come over. He was sober and I was not. I saw a side of him that I immediatly wanted to see for the rest of my life. He was admitting that he drank too much and wanted a better life and he wanted one with me. I began to hang out with him and found I loved him sober. He was everything I thought I wanted in a partner. I was struck down with the elusive concept of a soulmate. I enjoyed every second with him. The hours flew by and they were never enough for us. I loved being near him, his smell, his laugh, all that I thought he was. He loved me. All his AA friends told me he only talked about me and he was so entranced by me. I thought I was so lucky(ha).

I knew Cody had drinking issues. I wanted to be there for him so I went to AA meeetings, and began bringing him to my church. I knew I loved him after a month. I loved the stalkerish attention I got from him and thought he was something special. Cody began drinking heavily though after the first month again and was kicked out. He had to go into a facility again. His family was amazed he even agreed to go and attributed it to me. The day I was suppossed to pick him up,he had left 15 minutes earlier with a girl. The next day he appeared back at his parents home and i snuck him into MY house with the lure of wine and ambien. The next day he still agreed to go. I found the place and paid 200 dollars along with his family to get him in. He went for 2.5 months. I picked him up and we prayed before he left. I thought it was the right decision, but I had no idea of how serious of an illness alocholism is.
He began drinking again in a month. He abondoned me in atlanta to spend two nights with his ex wife and child. I can't tell you how much it hurt to see the emptiness in his eyes when he told me he was gonna spend the night with his exwife; as I begged him not to do this to me. A wieght was dropped on my chest. I felt like I couldnt breathe for two days. I couldnt eat. He didnt even text me to check on me, out of looks to his ex. He basically used me for the ride up there. I finally called her to talk to him and on the phone he told me he didnt love me and he was going to rebuild a family with her.It sounded forced and pained for him to say.I didnt totally believe it, but it still tore me apart. I picked him up at the bus station we he came back and believed every word he said about how he was just manipulating his exwife in order to see his daughter. Sick, i know.
He soon began drinking behind my back. He would ask for a dollar to get coffee and buy beer and chug it in the gas station bathroom. I got him once and he pushed me and called me a ****** idiot. I tried my best to stop him from drinking, to make his circumstances low stress, and help him in EVERYTHING. All that did was lead to making excuses for him and me thinking He would stop drinking for me or if circumstances changed. I bought him food,cigarettes, energy drinks,coffee for weeks. I even paid his probation sometimes and he would pay me back when he could.
When I moved out of my hometown for school, he moved with me. He brought his drinking with him. I cant tell you how many fights we had, how many times I physically assaulted him out of frrustration at his lying. I found texts to girls and calls.I even found chatline numbers. But when I confronted him, he always had a story. I wanted to believe he would never cheat on me and really wanted a sober life with me. It was too painful to comphrehend the truth. SO I took his lame excuses. He moved into my apartment for a week, helped ruin my relationship with my roommates by drinking their wine. He moved in with his sister after a few nights in hotels and got a job working with his family. I thought that this was it. EVerything was ok,he had a job, a safe place to stay, and meetings to go to. I was so wrong. We began fighting and he sought out other girls at our CHURCH! This went on and I kept taking him back because I needed relief from the pain that was likely to ensue if I stopped the relationship.

I could go on and on about how horrible it was.How many times did I pour out alcohol, beg him to stop, and just fall apart in front of him to get him to stop. I was almost arrested, almost killed when he grabbed the wheel one time, he's ruined clothes of mine. Ive had to cancel plans because he was drunk when I went to pick him up. There were soooooo many times I broke up with him after catching him a) on the phone lying to his ex wife about usB)drinking,(c) pursuing other girls. I know you're thinking I'm crazy for doing this for 9 months and I am. I was afraid of the pain. But now the pain of being with him is greater than the fear of living without him. I know I should have drawn the line so many times. I should have never let someone treat me that way. But Cody was charming, attractive,funny, intelligent, and aggressively persistent. I changed my phone number in Jan after he ruined yet another holiday. And yet ended up giving him my new one. We had good times together and I chose to look at the small amount of good and pretend there was no bad. He was so convincing. I cant tell you how many times I heard" You are the only one I want forever, and you know I only talk to those girls when I'm drunk".

I finally drew that line,too late. I became pregant. Cody said he wanted to marry me and be there for our child. He drank a few days later. I chased him down at the gas station and cried out to him in tears. He ran away from me and I couldnt find him. I cried in the middle of a parking lot at 11 pm for him to come back. I've never felt so abandoned in my life.He said he drank that night because I wasn't going to keep his child. I believed him.
After telling me a few days later that we needed to stand strong against my parents when they wouldnt let me marry him, he DRANK. That was it.No more. I began to see how selfish this guy was, how I was always going to be put 3rd or maybe even 4th. His words mean nothing to me now. He is useless and still making excuses as to why, at 25 and after 10 years of alcoholism, he doesnt need help. I had an abortion and walked away from him. I researched and thought for two weeks about that decision. I am at peace about it.But thats another issue.

Currently, Cody knows I am done with him. He will try when he gets his phone turned back on to get me back and it may be hard to resist because I loved being loved, but I am seeking out help. He also might not even try to talk to me anymore and that will hurt. To think someone who I have spent so much time with and given so much of myself to just leaving me for good.But itll be for the best and make it easier to move on.
I have a counseling appointment next week. I am going to take care of myself.I need to find out why I stayed with him after the first week of drinking. I am not unintelligent. I knew deep down that Cody was lying and using me, but I was using him like a drug. It was hard to quit drinking, this is going to be even harder. But I am more than willing.
Thanks for reading, I really appreciate the help everyone. I have been scoping out this place and I am so impressed. I am excited to begin a road to recovery.
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Old 03-18-2011, 04:20 PM
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Hi Cafa and welcome to SR!

I'm glad you're here.

I'm also glad to read about the counseling
even if it's not till next week.
I hope you'll make lots of friends here
and find the support you're looking for.

Sometimes the act
of writing that first post
puts things into perspective for us
and helps us take that move to
a happier life and a road of self discovery!

Welcome!
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Old 03-18-2011, 11:36 PM
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((HUGS))

Welcome!!
The road to recovery is exciting!! not easy but.....

I also left a XABF and it was very hard to do so, but I couldn't deny to myself that he was hurting me and didn't give a damn. I couldn't deny reality anymore. Anyway there is much healing to look forward to, lessons learned..... we are here for you, we get you and yes addicts need to be attractive and charming so they can hook others.... that's common... doesn't say anything about you....... its active addiction.

By now I understand it was my own lack of self worth that made me go through many sad relationships but once we are done we are done. There is a much better way to live. THAT I can promise!
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Old 03-19-2011, 08:09 AM
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Cafa, I am very overwhelmed by reading your post.
I lived that life w my RAH and we did have our son.
So many things are so exactly what my A had said or did to me, AND After our son was born, he pulled the stuff your A pulled on you on other unsuspecting girls. Using them to come see us, telling them he was just needing to placate me to see our son. That was NEVER true. Our son was always available to him. He did not need to seduce me or promise me love. But he did. ANd there was always some poor girl on the other end that he was lying to, making himself out to be a victim of me. The girls would hang on, because he was so "helpless" and 'messed up'


He ruined my clothes, too.

He kept me on a string, trying to win me back each time with promises of rehab, or changes in himself, which never stuck.

I just want to say, in case you doubt yourself, that I think you made the right decisions.
I hope you are strong enough to stay away. Time will heal and the chaos will fade, and you will hopefully develop a taste for the real love that comes from a partner that does not lie, use, and manipulate his way through life.

I feel for you. HE sounds like he may have some pretty charming tendencies.
Mine does, too.

This is common for some dangerously emotionally manipulative people, and addiction really messes that up and makes it way worse.

For the Record...
My A went to rehab and is sober.
I allowed him to come home and live with us.
He acted the same old ways after a month or so.
He was ungrateful.
He is still abusive and manipulative.
He is not working a recovery program.
He is sober, works a job, and goes out every night to be social after work, which ends @ 3-4pm.
Our son recently (almost a month ago) had surgery. A came to the surgery, hung out after, and in almost a month has only made time to see him 3 times, less than an hour each time.
To hear him tell it, he is father of the year, there for his son, a big part of his life. Guess what? A really believes that.
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Old 03-19-2011, 08:47 AM
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Hi Cafa, and Welcome to SR!!!!!

Please stick around! There are a lot of great people here who understand what you are going through and can offer Experience, Strength, and Hope (ES&H).

I hope that you will get some relief through counseling and build a wonderful, peaceful and joy-filled life for yourself. You deserve it!

Hugs, HG
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Old 03-19-2011, 08:58 AM
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Hi Cafa, Welcome!! I'm sorry for the circumstances that have brought you here, but I am glad you've joined us. I was also a little overwhelmed reading your post ~ my story is a little different, but also the same! I think you will find here that we are all intelligent people (just like you) We also understand like few others can.

I'm proud of you for detaching from your boyfriend and being willing to look deep at yourself to figure out what brought you here... you have done in 9 months what is taking me 20+ years to figure out. Kudos to you!!
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Old 03-19-2011, 09:07 AM
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"but I had no idea of how serious of an illness alocholism is."

I completely understand this. And I'm still amazed at the grip that it has on my XAH.


"I need to find out why I stayed with him after the first week of drinking. I am not unintelligent."

Good for you that you realize this.

We are so glad that you found this forum. We all understand what you have been going through.

Another source that has helped me tremendously is AlAnon. It is a group that is for families and loved ones of alcoholics. Please find one in your area. You'll be glad that you did.

And keep posting! We're all trying to recover together.
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Old 03-19-2011, 10:34 AM
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Thanks everyone for the warm reception! It is so good to know that I am not alone. This is hard but I can have faith that it will get better.
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Old 03-19-2011, 12:37 PM
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Welcome Cafa, I am glad you have found us, and that you have posted your story.

It is all too familiar to so many of us...but you are smart and brave, and self-aware, life will only be better for you

Keep posting and reading, and great that you are going to see a counselor. SR, Alanon, and my therapist have helped me live the life I know I deserve.

My best to you.
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Old 03-19-2011, 03:17 PM
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your post made me cry

I remember being where you are. I am not completely free yet, but I am so close, I can taste it.

When I came here, I was tormented, insane, angry, and so desperately needed people who would understand and not simply say "Why the h*ll do you stay?"

I stayed for 2 years and understand where you are and have been. No judgement here.

We offer support in each endeavor you undertake, whether we agree or not. So stick around. We may say things from time to time, you may not want to hear, but in the end, you will take what you need from us.

So welcome! I am so sorry for your pain.

I recommend alanon. It saved my sanity!

Later gator...........
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