Confrontations
 

I've found myself in an interesting spot for me.
My AW is a secret, closet binge drinker. She doesn't come right out and start pounding wine in front of me. There are times when she claims to have just one glass of wine with dinner and she's hammered, so I know she was drinking before...

I normally confront her when I suspect she's been drinking. I'm trying to detach but since she's not in my face drinking, it's hard to not say anything when I know she was. Breath, clumsiness, talkative, etc. Last night was the first time where I knew she had been drinking and I didn't confront her. I detached. I struggled with it but I kept my mouth shut. Today, I feel good because I kept my mouth shut but her level of passive aggressiveness is over the top right now. I can predict her going overboard this weekend. I also feel pretty mixed up because I wanted to say something. I want her to know, that I know. She'll deny it and it won't do any good but at least I said my peace. I know I don't have to do this and in the long run, it's not a recovery reaction. I'd be engaging, etc.

So how are you guys handling these situations? The situation being the secret drinker drinking and you don't say anything. Did I do the right thing? What are a few tips for my next few steps? Any suggestions on how I can feel good during my detachment?

Well, your personal boundary can be that your home is an Alcohol Free Zone and that includes even the smell of alcohol. Your Boundary. Thus if she is smelling of alcohol she will have to leave, and there will be no alcohol in the house.

Your choice.

However, allowing her to 'think' she is getting away with 'sneaking' is just putting you in a bad position. It is becoming or has already become a 'game' to her.

Now, when you are ready you will stop the game and get off the roller coaster, and stop abusing yourself.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

I am right there with you! I have an AH who NEVER drinks in front of anyone. He sneaks and if you question him he lies. I understand where you are coming from. Most of the time I do say something, but I am learning that it really doesn't do anything. It doesn't change his behavior, in fact only makes him more crafty at sneaking and trying to hide it. The other night I could smell it from across the room. I detached in a big way. Just went and did my own thing. The one thing I have said to him a few times is "I know when you drink even if I don't say anything, so sneaking and lying is doing nothing for you".

It sucks to have no influence and no control over it and every day I struggle with that. Now I am focusing on ME and how I can be happy instead of constantly worrying about him! It really has helped me to understand no matter what I do it doesn't change his drinking. Getting all mad about it only gets me upset. Learning to wipe my hands of it is helping me find some peace.

Right there with you, who do they think they are trying to lie right to your face right? We know better, so 1. the fact that they drink, makes YOU mad. 2. they lie or try to hide it, makes YOU mad. i dont know what is the right thing in this situtation is, as i face it also, not on a daily basis anymore, but still do. It is so hard not to say something in that moment, but i know that if i do it will feel as if i am going backwards and getting myself worked up over someone who cant understand what i am going through, and doesnt care.

ick. Why would any of you (or myself) choose to be with someone that
a) does a behavior you think is self abusive
b) lies to you?

How do you make that okay?

FP1,
I'm not that far behind you in this process. It's a situation of dealing with the now and ultimately waiting for the camel's back(mine) to break.

I never counted drinks, searched for bottles, smelled her breath, or kept tabs in any way. I never confronted her, especially while she was drunk. What's the point? My boundary was simple and crystal clear and she knew it, either she was going to get sober or we were going to get divorced. All the stuff in between was just white noise.

I think you are looking to feel good while deatching and that may not be possible..if it's not, then pain will push you to the next step

Thanks Jazzman.
I've been doing my homework and I have a lawyer. I have not filed. It's been a matter of working a plan in case I decide to file for a divorce. I've been wondering when the next shoe would fall, how it would feel, what would I do.

I've told myself to be quiet. I've been down the path of "threatening" divorce but I was quacking just as loud as she was. Obviously based on my statement above, I've moved beyond the threat and into an action mode. So I guess, I'm just struggling with possibly making the final decision.

I'm filling out my paperwork for the lawyer right now. Just so that's done and ready, if and when I decide to file. I haven't exactly had the chance to set a boundary of, Get sober or I'll divorce you. (And mean it)

That may sound kinda skirty but we've all faced this monumental decision and for those who did, I'm sure you all struggled before pulling the trigger. I know I'm close. Maybe I need to make that final confrontation/boundary setting/ultimatum. Maybe I don't. Maybe I remain quiet. Let her self destruct, pushing me to file the paperwork and be done with it.

It's tough. I was so ready to devote myself to her for the rest of our lives the day we got married. She was drunk/hung over that day so I doubt it meant as much to her as it did to me. I'm rambling now and I'm simply not doing well.

It's perfectly fine to sit with it for a while..many times when we are not sure it is the best thing we can do..if sitting becomes avoidance THEN it becomes a problem. Personally I think stopping your own quacking is great! I love the saying.."say what you mean, mean what you say, and don't say it mean".

I wasn't trying to heavy hint the divorce option, everyones situation is different. In mine, we had no children together, and as a teenager I lived with a father who became a nasty drunk. No way in hell was I going through that crap again. I wouldn't say I detached with love, more like I detached with resolve.

Don't get me wrong, during her 1st rehab I was the caring supportive husband. During her second rehab I was hoping for the best but planning for the worst, cuz hope isn't a plan.

Shell Crusher I think you are doing brilliantly. Your strength inpires me.

My thoughts on "confronting?

I feel like a bit of a chomp at the moment because I've been posting how my AW is actually recovering and she is transforming.

I left her at our rented house with the girls for a couple of hours today (her first ever visit since we moved out)

She was dozing and woke when I came home, I realised she must have been drinking earlier and I calmy said. Come on love, time to go. She smiled (drunkenly) and asked for the keys. I told her no, politely. Said I was really sorry she had drank as I know how much the progress had meant but I couldn't let her stay.

Drove her to the house, She was ful off Oh God What have I done. I didnt really answer just said it was Sad after all the progress: A really poor choice. She had teh coice to start again tomorrow from wherever that new starting point was.

She said I've wrecked everything. I said well what's done is done. Sure its a big set-back.
She called a few times later and I nicely but firmly suggested she might be better calling programme friends and I'd talk to her tomorrow.

Anyway I was proud I didn't confront at all. I have immersed my self in "the programme".

I'm not devastated as I have been prepared for this and we are focussing on us.

Doesn't stop me picking up the grieving process I was mostly through last month!

Keep it up dude...

Thanks you guys. The clock is almost up. I'll be off to get my little guy and then we're heading home. I really don't want to go home but I'm kinda itching for a fight. Not really but at least something that will help me make up my mind.

shellcrusher,
it might do you some good. if you can just say it once, and let go of any outcome.
"wife, i know you are drunk, stay away from me."
or something to that effect. if you say it more than once it is not for you.
just once.

and, maybe a nice cigar while relaxing a little?
enjoy that little guy!

Beth

I think what you mean isn't so much that you want a "fight," but that you're looking for something outside of yourself to make the decision for you. I know that feeling, because I was waiting for someone else to take over the reins and send me a clear signal as to what I was supposed to do.

Turns out, I couldn't delegate my own life. I had already been honest with myself as to what my boundaries were, and watched those boundaries get crossed one by one. I wasn't waiting for a sign as to what to do, I was waiting for my own recovery to strengthen to the point that I felt healthy enough to stand up and face my life again.

I am to the point, I just don't care.

In alanon there is a book called "When I got busy, I got better." For me this worked.

I stayed busy the last few weeks. Pointless, aimless, stuff to keep me busy and out of the hacienda.

I went and cleaned animal kennels for several hours a day to keep my mind off of the situation, in addition to other stuff.

At the end of each session, I felt more confident and sure of my decisions.

I left him in January. Now, in March, I am ready to let go.

When he calls, I can tell he's drinking and I simply excuse myself without hesitation. I never tell him why. I never tell him I know or ask if he is. I just go.

Time heals, my friend. You are seeking, you will find what you are looking for, in time.

I can think of one (semi) recent time where I confronted him. He was slurring his words and falling all over. He's diabetic, and fervently denied drinking.

I simply announced that if he wasn't drunk, he was clearly having some sort of metabolic issue, and needed to be evaluated by a doctor (other than me.) So I took him to the ER. He started confessing halfway there. Two beers became 6, and it became painfully clear to me that yes, he'd relapsed.

He ended up going back to rehab and I left him shortly therafter. I don't know if that really applies to your situation, but it was a turning point for me.