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Rough morning

Old 03-18-2011, 10:56 AM
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Rough morning

AH was supposed to show up and bring D3 and D5 to school. $10 to the first one who can guess what happened?

Showed up 30 min late. Told me I was to blame bc he is not living at home, is without an alarm clock, is tired (got victimy acting) etc... I told him it wasn't my problem and said that it's not okay to promise to be somewhere (particularly when it's the girls he is letting down) and then blow it off. He gave me a nasty wave of his hand and went and sat in the living room and started playing "fun dad" while I wondered whether to tell the girls to get their coats on, shoes on, etc...

5 min later he sauntered in and asked if they were ready to go (he'd been with them all this time). I told him I was under the impression he was getting them ready and taking them as that was the plan. He knew this too but wanted to play dumb to get a response from me that he could then gripe about.

He started in with accusing me of being passive aggressive (projection much?) and I defended myself, got emotional, crying etc... and voila- instant fight.

End result: I learned that he has been taking $20 out of our bank acct daily for cigarettes and beer (this is during a time when we are struggling financially). I learned that he caused some MAJOR financial/tax problems for us bc of his failure to complete a tax form for work that he claimed he did last spring. I learned that he has not been calling the outpatient rehab program he swore up and down in an email he sent last Sat that he was calling and that it was a priority. I learned he had been making plans to buy a motorcycle and when I found out and said it did not make sense since we are struggling financially, that he slammed me to his colleagues (and one of them told me this) claiming that I am a "nazi" and a bunch of other derogatory remarks.

I try to be the grown up, I worry about schedules and finances and act like an adult and I get badmouthed by the child in an adult's body who has a tantrum when he doesn't get his way.

I have had it. I am so angry and I don't buy that this is all the disease at work. I think that my H is simply a jerk through and through. He was born a pathological liar, he will always be one and he wants to be a drunk and a selfish baby more than he wants to have a family.

Sorry for the anger but I am really really angry and fed up and needed to vent.

All I have to say is thank god I love to run and I am going to go on a lonnnnnnnng one later today.
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Old 03-18-2011, 11:05 AM
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Get to runnin, WTBH.
I feel exactly the same way today. Different circumstances but you know how it is. My AW is so passive aggressive it's sick!
Something different afoot. I'm angry but not like normal. Today, I am sad and angry. Where is this sadness coming from? I know the surface answer but sadness isn't exactly normal. I'm normally pissed.
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Old 03-18-2011, 11:11 AM
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can you separate your finances before he drains the joint account for beer, cigarettes and motorcycles? take what is needed from the joint acct to pay the household bills and open a new one in your name only.

can you set up to file separate federal returns for 2011?
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Old 03-18-2011, 11:22 AM
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Originally Posted by Fandy View Post
can you separate your finances before he drains the joint account for beer, cigarettes and motorcycles? take what is needed from the joint acct to pay the household bills and open a new one in your name only.

can you set up to file separate federal returns for 2011?
Hear, hear! Having him take the kids to school when you know he is going to be flakey is setting yourself up for failure.

Separate finances. Expect him to flake. Take full responsibility for the kids and give up on hoping he'll pull through.

I'm so sorry life is like that!

Hang in there!
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Old 03-18-2011, 12:01 PM
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I took the girls to therapy yesterday and she suggested (knowing he is an A and unreliable) that having him do something like take them to school, since it's a clear task with a specific time and involves the girls (vs me since with me he never keeps his word but typically does with the girls) would be a good idea.

Since the girls heard her suggest this I ran with it. He made a HUGE to do on the phone last night about how he'd see them at X time and I wanted to believe he'd do what he said but clearly he can't.

And now when I say he can't pick them up anymore it's going to turn into accusations of parental alienation (I've already been told this) and he'll tell the girls that I am not "letting" him pick them up (he already told them I made him move out and he has no where to live and we've been back in our house a whopping 2 nights).

It's like he acts in a crappy way and before doing so already has his justifications sorted out and planned. It's sick.

Shellcrusher- I am sorry you're feeling the same... I too feel overwhelmingly sad and angry... Being pissed I don't mind bc I can take things with a grain of salt but right now I feel really really deep sadness and anger and I can't recall feeling this way ever before... I feel like it is really over and really hopeless....
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Old 03-18-2011, 12:26 PM
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I don't know if you still go to court and if you need to set ground rules through the court about what is acceptable and isn't. You could set up formal agreements that he must x,y,z (be on time, give you 24 notice if he cancels, be sober when driving the kids, etc) as a way to have structure.
I don't know anything about the law, but there must be a legal way to set responsible, safe boundaries with him that have clear consequences.
Maybe talk to a lawyer?

Hugs,
peace
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Old 03-18-2011, 02:36 PM
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I do not count on my kids' dad to do anything. If it needs to be done, I do it.
I learned that while we were still married and living together, and it was a pitiful thing to have to learn then, but now I just handle it and don't resent him. Except occasionally. for very short periods. when I am feeling sorry for myself.

I just learned how to avoid being disappointed and angered - I don't expect. It is easier to not expect anything from someone you aren't in a relationship with.

It's really about you and what works for you. Him being at your house, picking fights and not helping doesn't work for you, so you might consider figuring out another way for him to see them. Like at a park or something while you run or read.

Based on my experience, it became difficult for me to have STBXH at my home because it stripped my house of its sanctuary-ness. STBXH still acted like it was his space and he was disrespectful to me there.

18 months later, it is so mine and the kids' haven.

Draw your own conclusions.
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