Is anyone here trying to hang on?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Long Branch, NJ
Posts: 253
Exactly what do you love about him?
Do you fear that if you don't marry him, you might not ever meet someone better?
Do you want to take care of this person and his problem for a long-term period, and give up years of your life?
Did you ever consider the possibility that you could have someone who would really love and take care of you in return?
Do you need crises in your life to function and this man provides those crises?
Do you think that someday he will straighten himself out and be grateful to you for standing by his side when he was down?
Yeah, other people tried to warn me, too, and I didn't listen. Although, as another poster said, if I hadn't married my drunk ex, I probably would have married someone just like him, or, more likely, would never have gotten married. I divorced my drunk ten years ago, and I have a great daughter, and I've also got the guilt of saddling her forever with an embarrassing, alcoholic dad who just gets more burnt, mean, and stupid every year. As you proceed, realize that your alcoholic is not different or special in any way from the ones the rest of us have married/loved--they are all the exact same person with a different face.
Do you fear that if you don't marry him, you might not ever meet someone better?
Do you want to take care of this person and his problem for a long-term period, and give up years of your life?
Did you ever consider the possibility that you could have someone who would really love and take care of you in return?
Do you need crises in your life to function and this man provides those crises?
Do you think that someday he will straighten himself out and be grateful to you for standing by his side when he was down?
Yeah, other people tried to warn me, too, and I didn't listen. Although, as another poster said, if I hadn't married my drunk ex, I probably would have married someone just like him, or, more likely, would never have gotten married. I divorced my drunk ten years ago, and I have a great daughter, and I've also got the guilt of saddling her forever with an embarrassing, alcoholic dad who just gets more burnt, mean, and stupid every year. As you proceed, realize that your alcoholic is not different or special in any way from the ones the rest of us have married/loved--they are all the exact same person with a different face.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Managua, Nicaragua
Posts: 135
Originally Posted by stilllearning 
One final thought - if you're planning on having kids with this man please take the word of this adult child of an alcoholic: you will be doing your kids a grave disservice. I loved my alcoholic parent with all my heart. But some of what I grew up with has been absolutely debilitating. I have scars that I'm still coming to terms with and that have profoundly affected the choices I've made. I can't change any of it but the only thing I know for sure is that it's not something i would ever, ever, ever be willing to put a child of mine through. Not if I had gone in with my eyes wide open enough to be posting on a support group about my partner's addiction this close to the beginning.
SL.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Hi
Are you already living with him?
I moved in with an XABF oh boy was it different from just dating and sleeping in different places. They say alcoholics don't have relationships, they take hostages, I agree with it.
The whole experience, the early "wonderful person", the opening up my eyes to alcoholism, the moving out , break up and mourning has been the saddest, most difficult times of my life. 2 years later I am still not fully recovered. And my story was "light and easy" compared to the others. Oh and he is of course still drinking and got someone else right away, and never felt bad or apologized or saw anything wrong with him.
I felt like a used napkin trashed away when I no longer laughed at his misogynistic joke and when I no longer had a drink with him and when I no longer offered to drive him anywhere because the guy couldn't even walk straight. He could not use me anymore so he started calling me "his enemy". And he also told many lies to our common friends..... turned out the "wonderful man" was just a show to put up with his addiction. As easy as that, whatever I felt or needed was not important.
Mute the movie, see his actions, that's reality... what do you want for your daughter later on... for her to spend her money in dresses and in spas and traveling... or for her to spend all her earnings in therapy?? what do you want for your son, to see him starving because daddy can't hold a job anymore. This is not a game and I hope you take a look at the ACOAs forum to see your decisions are very important and far-reaching. Above anything else give a good hard look at what you want for yourself..... I also think you deserve a good life with people that are capable of love and caring.
All of us deserve that.
Are you already living with him?
I moved in with an XABF oh boy was it different from just dating and sleeping in different places. They say alcoholics don't have relationships, they take hostages, I agree with it.
The whole experience, the early "wonderful person", the opening up my eyes to alcoholism, the moving out , break up and mourning has been the saddest, most difficult times of my life. 2 years later I am still not fully recovered. And my story was "light and easy" compared to the others. Oh and he is of course still drinking and got someone else right away, and never felt bad or apologized or saw anything wrong with him.
I felt like a used napkin trashed away when I no longer laughed at his misogynistic joke and when I no longer had a drink with him and when I no longer offered to drive him anywhere because the guy couldn't even walk straight. He could not use me anymore so he started calling me "his enemy". And he also told many lies to our common friends..... turned out the "wonderful man" was just a show to put up with his addiction. As easy as that, whatever I felt or needed was not important.
Mute the movie, see his actions, that's reality... what do you want for your daughter later on... for her to spend her money in dresses and in spas and traveling... or for her to spend all her earnings in therapy?? what do you want for your son, to see him starving because daddy can't hold a job anymore. This is not a game and I hope you take a look at the ACOAs forum to see your decisions are very important and far-reaching. Above anything else give a good hard look at what you want for yourself..... I also think you deserve a good life with people that are capable of love and caring.
All of us deserve that.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 456
I'm mostly a lurker also. Something about your post compelled me to post.
I'm an ACA. The alcoholic in my life was my father.
My mother and father were married for 16 years. My mother had doubts before her wedding, but she went through with it anyway. She used to tell me that she knew she made a big mistake on their honeymoon. He spent the first night of their honeymoon down in the bar while she cried in their room. That pretty much set the stage for the life that they had together.
They had three children. Do you know where he was each time one of us was born? Yup, in a bar "celebrating".
While I was growing up he was never around. When he was around he was often violent. He used to drive us kids around when he was drunk. When I got old enough to realize how drunk he was it scared me to death. I used to try to make my body as limp as possible because I read somewhere that people who are sleeping often get less hurt in car crashes. I was probably in 6th grade when I started doing that.
When my parents divorced, over thirty years ago, I thought it would be all over and our lives would get better. They didn't. Alcoholism is truly a family disease.
My mother remarried, but is still so angry at my father that it ate away at her for the rest of her life. My dad died in August and after his death she still wanted to talk about all the awful things he did to her. A lifetime of hearing about how awful my father was deeply affected me, it made me feel like I must be at least half awful. I've been in therapy for 10+ years and recovery for 3+ years.
My siblings and I are all in our 40s and have struggled with relationships, self-esteem, interacting with each other, keeping jobs, and in general just being happy. We tend to create a lot of chaos and drama in our lives.
We really don't keep in touch too much and it's always hardiest during the holidays. I long for and still grieve for the extended family that I'll never have.
Somehow I managed not to marry an alcoholic. Although I have a long list of boyfriends that I tried to save during my life. I did marry another adult child and we struggle at times trying to communicate with each other and avoid the minefield of triggers we both have. We're both people pleasers who hate criticism.
I cherish my little nuclear family though. My child are 8 and 11. I live with a fear that one of them will struggle with an addiction someday. I'm working my own recovery so that I can be the healthiest parent that I can for them, but I know that life has no guarantees.
Keep reading and posting.
Thank you for letting me share.
db
I'm an ACA. The alcoholic in my life was my father.
My mother and father were married for 16 years. My mother had doubts before her wedding, but she went through with it anyway. She used to tell me that she knew she made a big mistake on their honeymoon. He spent the first night of their honeymoon down in the bar while she cried in their room. That pretty much set the stage for the life that they had together.
They had three children. Do you know where he was each time one of us was born? Yup, in a bar "celebrating".
While I was growing up he was never around. When he was around he was often violent. He used to drive us kids around when he was drunk. When I got old enough to realize how drunk he was it scared me to death. I used to try to make my body as limp as possible because I read somewhere that people who are sleeping often get less hurt in car crashes. I was probably in 6th grade when I started doing that.
When my parents divorced, over thirty years ago, I thought it would be all over and our lives would get better. They didn't. Alcoholism is truly a family disease.
My mother remarried, but is still so angry at my father that it ate away at her for the rest of her life. My dad died in August and after his death she still wanted to talk about all the awful things he did to her. A lifetime of hearing about how awful my father was deeply affected me, it made me feel like I must be at least half awful. I've been in therapy for 10+ years and recovery for 3+ years.
My siblings and I are all in our 40s and have struggled with relationships, self-esteem, interacting with each other, keeping jobs, and in general just being happy. We tend to create a lot of chaos and drama in our lives.
We really don't keep in touch too much and it's always hardiest during the holidays. I long for and still grieve for the extended family that I'll never have.
Somehow I managed not to marry an alcoholic. Although I have a long list of boyfriends that I tried to save during my life. I did marry another adult child and we struggle at times trying to communicate with each other and avoid the minefield of triggers we both have. We're both people pleasers who hate criticism.
I cherish my little nuclear family though. My child are 8 and 11. I live with a fear that one of them will struggle with an addiction someday. I'm working my own recovery so that I can be the healthiest parent that I can for them, but I know that life has no guarantees.
Keep reading and posting.
Thank you for letting me share.
db
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
He used to drive us kids around when he was drunk. When I got old enough to realize how drunk he was it scared me to death. I used to try to make my body as limp as possible because I read somewhere that people who are sleeping often get less hurt in car crashes. I was probably in 6th grade when I started doing that.
That is SO poignent and powerful.
That is quite an image. Painful and comforting.
Comforting because I won't give my future unborn children that life.
Alcoholism is such an insidious foe.
I am glad, in this moment, to escape it.
That is SO poignent and powerful.
That is quite an image. Painful and comforting.
Comforting because I won't give my future unborn children that life.
Alcoholism is such an insidious foe.
I am glad, in this moment, to escape it.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
Here are some things I ignored before I married my AH.
- the fact that the only time he seemed able to open up and talk honestly or act kind was when he was drinking
- the fact that he wrote me a scathing 12 page letter 6 months before we got engaged outlining all the things that needed to change in me before he could consider thinking about getting married (and I was hurt and angry with this letter and never said a peep about it and instead set to changing myself to fit what he wanted bc I was afraid to make him angry and afraid I would lose him if I said something-- and I believed that he was right and that I was very flawed)
- the explosive temper I'd see (verbal not physical) displayed toward his father, brother, sister, other drivers etc...
- how much time we spent at bars or hanging out having drinks... EVERY date/outing/time together involved alcohol and yet I never thought it was a problem
- the fact that he had a relationship (emotional one) with another woman when we were dating and living long distance from each other
- the lies he told me
- the broken promises and constantly letting me down (and I told myself that getting upset over last minute breaking of plans was really no big deal and I was a needy woman to be bothered by it).
I ignored a LOT. I pretended it would get better once we got married. All that happened is things got worse. Within 2 months of our wedding he let his sister verbally assault me at my mother's home on xmas day and threw a drink in my face and left with his mother and sister and left me alone at my mom's. He has bad mouthed me to anyone who would listen for years. When our daughters were born he never brought me flowers but he bought flowers and brought them to the hospital to give his mother (as a new grandmother kind of thing)...
That's just the tip of the iceberg but I really wish that I'd realized there was a problem (I really believed the problem was me) with him and alcohol and I never, ever would have married him. I will never regret having my daughters- they are the highlight of my life, but marrying him has sucked the past 13 yrs out of me and left me shell of who I was...
Please put the wedding on hold until you can confidently say/feel that you are making a healthy move in marrying him.
I still love my H very much but not enough to sacrifice my life any longer nor my daughter's lives.
Do you love your fiance more than you love yourself?
- the fact that the only time he seemed able to open up and talk honestly or act kind was when he was drinking
- the fact that he wrote me a scathing 12 page letter 6 months before we got engaged outlining all the things that needed to change in me before he could consider thinking about getting married (and I was hurt and angry with this letter and never said a peep about it and instead set to changing myself to fit what he wanted bc I was afraid to make him angry and afraid I would lose him if I said something-- and I believed that he was right and that I was very flawed)
- the explosive temper I'd see (verbal not physical) displayed toward his father, brother, sister, other drivers etc...
- how much time we spent at bars or hanging out having drinks... EVERY date/outing/time together involved alcohol and yet I never thought it was a problem
- the fact that he had a relationship (emotional one) with another woman when we were dating and living long distance from each other
- the lies he told me
- the broken promises and constantly letting me down (and I told myself that getting upset over last minute breaking of plans was really no big deal and I was a needy woman to be bothered by it).
I ignored a LOT. I pretended it would get better once we got married. All that happened is things got worse. Within 2 months of our wedding he let his sister verbally assault me at my mother's home on xmas day and threw a drink in my face and left with his mother and sister and left me alone at my mom's. He has bad mouthed me to anyone who would listen for years. When our daughters were born he never brought me flowers but he bought flowers and brought them to the hospital to give his mother (as a new grandmother kind of thing)...
That's just the tip of the iceberg but I really wish that I'd realized there was a problem (I really believed the problem was me) with him and alcohol and I never, ever would have married him. I will never regret having my daughters- they are the highlight of my life, but marrying him has sucked the past 13 yrs out of me and left me shell of who I was...
Please put the wedding on hold until you can confidently say/feel that you are making a healthy move in marrying him.
I still love my H very much but not enough to sacrifice my life any longer nor my daughter's lives.
Do you love your fiance more than you love yourself?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Long Branch, NJ
Posts: 253
From wanttobehealthy: "(I really believed the problem was me)"
DAMN, some of these things are hard to read, even after all these years. I believed the problem was me, too. If I was good enough, I would have been able to fix him!!!!It's good to know that thinking is gone, but it still makes me cringe to read it.
DAMN, some of these things are hard to read, even after all these years. I believed the problem was me, too. If I was good enough, I would have been able to fix him!!!!It's good to know that thinking is gone, but it still makes me cringe to read it.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Texas
Posts: 70
Wow. This thread is loaded! So much good insight here!! I just recently found SR and am so thankful that I did! I had no idea my AH had a problem with alcohol when we met, then married. I really thought I'd found my prince charming. Six years and two kids later things are very different. My AH has been hospitalized three times in less than five years for acute pancreatitis, has been unemployed for almost a year now, was arrested earlier this month for public intoxication... I've been called every name possible and accused of everything under the sun. I walk on egg shells because of his unpredictable moods.... I could go on and on 
Things are worse, not better every day.
I wish I had been more aware of his issues. Looking back there were signs but I accepted his excuses because I didn't know any better. And I didn't want my prince to be a toad. If I knew then what I know now I would have ran as fast as I could! I am trying to get out of this mess and protect my kids in the process. You deserve so much better. Please keep reading and posting.
Things are worse, not better every day. I wish I had been more aware of his issues. Looking back there were signs but I accepted his excuses because I didn't know any better. And I didn't want my prince to be a toad. If I knew then what I know now I would have ran as fast as I could! I am trying to get out of this mess and protect my kids in the process. You deserve so much better. Please keep reading and posting.
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
xxx -
I hope you've come back and read all this input.
there's some amazingly honest insights here
that arent going to reinforce wanting to get married
even though you apparently know
it's not the right thing to do.
We're still going to be here
because we need people like you
to come here and make us think
in order to help ourselves become healthier.
I hope you've come back and read all this input.
there's some amazingly honest insights here
that arent going to reinforce wanting to get married
even though you apparently know
it's not the right thing to do.
We're still going to be here
because we need people like you
to come here and make us think
in order to help ourselves become healthier.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
There are definitely a lot of cringe-worthy posts here for those of us who see each other's lives as a mirror of our own. And I thought my life was so unique... I thought my love with my husband was so special...so perfect...blech! It makes me a little sick and a lot embarrassed at how much I chose to ignore. Lots of red flags waving around right in front of my nose.
*SIGH* I married him. We are now separated. Luckily no kids (I have two already) because I was wise enough to see that was out of the question pretty early on. But I subjected my daughters to some pretty wild behavior.
I also thought marriage would give him the reassurance to relax about things and stop being so nutty and jealous. Nope. Stopping drinking, AA, and a great sponsor have been the only things that have changed anything...and that's sloooooow progress.
I wouldn't do it again if I had a chance. I would have run for the hills.
Thanks all for your great responses. This has been a very interesting thread.
~T
*SIGH* I married him. We are now separated. Luckily no kids (I have two already) because I was wise enough to see that was out of the question pretty early on. But I subjected my daughters to some pretty wild behavior.
I also thought marriage would give him the reassurance to relax about things and stop being so nutty and jealous. Nope. Stopping drinking, AA, and a great sponsor have been the only things that have changed anything...and that's sloooooow progress.
I wouldn't do it again if I had a chance. I would have run for the hills.
Thanks all for your great responses. This has been a very interesting thread.
~T
I was you 4 years ago. Still married. Knock on wood. If it lasts, it will be because of AA and Al Anon!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 20
yep.. i'm hanging on myself. however, since coming to this site and reading the posts and getting some great advice from people who have all lived this, been in my shoes, i feel that my eyes have been opened somewhat.
i am now actually considering the possibility that this may not work out as i had hoped. and that this situation is more than just me and my love for my alcoholic boyfriend. if i stayed with him because i couldn't bear the thought of leaving the 'love of my life' what if that decision caused him to stay within the alcoholism? if leaving him meant that he MIGHT wake up and decide to get the help he needed i WOULD do it. i love him enough that it would be worth it to save his life.
another thing... my boyfriend is a very gentle, sweet person, both sober AND drunk and right now i do not feel in any danger.. however alcoholism is a progressive disease and maybe that might not be the case in five, ten years... i am now considering the possibility that things that i thought wouldn't happen might happen.
i would also say DON'T marry this man until is recovered/sober.
you're in my thoughts!
i am now actually considering the possibility that this may not work out as i had hoped. and that this situation is more than just me and my love for my alcoholic boyfriend. if i stayed with him because i couldn't bear the thought of leaving the 'love of my life' what if that decision caused him to stay within the alcoholism? if leaving him meant that he MIGHT wake up and decide to get the help he needed i WOULD do it. i love him enough that it would be worth it to save his life.
another thing... my boyfriend is a very gentle, sweet person, both sober AND drunk and right now i do not feel in any danger.. however alcoholism is a progressive disease and maybe that might not be the case in five, ten years... i am now considering the possibility that things that i thought wouldn't happen might happen.
i would also say DON'T marry this man until is recovered/sober.
you're in my thoughts!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 821
Originally Posted by pandora999
... however alcoholism is a progressive disease and maybe that might not be the case in five, ten years... i am now considering the possibility that things that i thought wouldn't happen might happen.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 107
What a great post and all the insights are a blessing to me.
I married knowing what I was marrying into, despite the warnings from my AH own mother, I married. I questioned my decision and still got married... I have been in this relationship for 15 years, married almost 12, we have 4 children together and I am still trying to hold on.
Still hoping that we can make this work, somehow despite his desease and my own issues. I try to hold on now for the kids.
So many times I have said "this is the LAST time" so many times I have said "get out!" So many times we go back to sobriety and laughter, fun and happiness! And so many times we go back to "this is the LAST time" "get out". I am estimating this cycle happening a good 4-5 times a year.
:/ And still I am holding on ? To what ? For What ?
I married knowing what I was marrying into, despite the warnings from my AH own mother, I married. I questioned my decision and still got married... I have been in this relationship for 15 years, married almost 12, we have 4 children together and I am still trying to hold on.
Still hoping that we can make this work, somehow despite his desease and my own issues. I try to hold on now for the kids.
So many times I have said "this is the LAST time" so many times I have said "get out!" So many times we go back to sobriety and laughter, fun and happiness! And so many times we go back to "this is the LAST time" "get out". I am estimating this cycle happening a good 4-5 times a year.
:/ And still I am holding on ? To what ? For What ?
Lord Have Mercy
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Upper Midwest
Posts: 242
Hanging on is something that is so easy for me to relate to . . . because it implies that something is wrong, yet I cling to hope that maybe, somehow this will work out OK. Alcoholism doesn't work out OK. It almost always gets much, MUCH worse, sometimes unthinkably worse, than you could ever imagine. That's what I learned after hanging on for 16 years.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Saint Louis
Posts: 24
Originally Posted by kmkluvr1
It is a roller coaster for sure, and not a fun one. I love my A and want to be a family so bad, that is why i am doing whatever i can to help our situtation, by educating myself, coming here, Al-anon on monday and setting some boundries, although i am still not quite sure what they are. But in the end no matter how much i love him and want our family to work, he is still an alcoholic and i dont want to be with an alcoholic. It can go good and be good and there are good times and fun and love, but that little devil is still there and can completly wipe out all that good stuff in one night.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 287
Honest truth: I get down on my knees and thank God I met my XABF and endured an abusive relationship with him. It was a hard lesson to learn, yes, but a very excellent one. God is very fair and gives us exactly what we need in life in order to grow up and be the very best people we can be. For me, before I met my XABF I had no self worth at all (obviously if I liked myself, I would not have stayed). I hated myself. I wallowed in how useless, stupid and undesirable I was.
By being belittled, abused and beat down to my core, I found myself. I finally said to hell with this business with being abused and being made to feel lower than an animal. God gave me exactly what I needed to learn to like myself. He said, "Ok you hate yourself and you don't appreciate your life, well I'm going to show you what hurt really is". And boy did he. God led me to someone that hurt me so bad, that it actually made me value my life for the first time ever. And low and behold, I love myself now and not a thing will ever change that. I will die a self-confident, lovable, amazing person. Not an insecure, self-hating person. I doubt I ever would have came to this realization if it hadn't been for that little blessing in disguise that was my XABF.
I believe, God leads us to pain because he wants us to learn something. I don't look at meeting an A as a bad thing, its God's way of teaching us something great if we really take the time to look. Every single one of us that enter into an Alcoholic's life is for a purpose. If we open our eyes and really look past the pain, what lesson have you learned? I bet its a life-changing one huh? God is very fair in the lessons he teaches us. Most relationships don't last, they are purely to teach us something about ourselves.
If you find yourself staying with an A, you are not done learning your lessons yet. The pain ends when you finally understand the reason your pain started in the first place.
We are given exactly what we need. Always.
By being belittled, abused and beat down to my core, I found myself. I finally said to hell with this business with being abused and being made to feel lower than an animal. God gave me exactly what I needed to learn to like myself. He said, "Ok you hate yourself and you don't appreciate your life, well I'm going to show you what hurt really is". And boy did he. God led me to someone that hurt me so bad, that it actually made me value my life for the first time ever. And low and behold, I love myself now and not a thing will ever change that. I will die a self-confident, lovable, amazing person. Not an insecure, self-hating person. I doubt I ever would have came to this realization if it hadn't been for that little blessing in disguise that was my XABF.
I believe, God leads us to pain because he wants us to learn something. I don't look at meeting an A as a bad thing, its God's way of teaching us something great if we really take the time to look. Every single one of us that enter into an Alcoholic's life is for a purpose. If we open our eyes and really look past the pain, what lesson have you learned? I bet its a life-changing one huh? God is very fair in the lessons he teaches us. Most relationships don't last, they are purely to teach us something about ourselves.
If you find yourself staying with an A, you are not done learning your lessons yet. The pain ends when you finally understand the reason your pain started in the first place.
We are given exactly what we need. Always.
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