My bf is addicted to alcohol, I am confused
 

(English is not my native language, and I ll try my best)

It s been less than a month we are together. I am really concerned. Don t know how to deal with it and I m a bit worried about co-addiction...
My bf drinks a lot. He drinks as soon as he wakes up, when he comes back home from work, I even think last night he woke up to have a drink.

He once asked me if I have a problem with him having a drink. I told him "It s not a problem for ME". When he asked me if I believe it is a problem for HIM, I looked at him and he said "I m depressed, that s why I drink".

The thing is that when he is drinking, he s more excited, more fun, you know how it goes. When he is sober, I feel as if he is not that into me.
Sometimes (once in 20-30 days that is) he will do soft drugs, as he says. I ve never witnessed it though.


As I m writing you this, I m thinking "why am I with him? It s only a month afterall, I don t feel much about him".
The truth is that on one hand I feel that I don t need this and I don t want to be part of this and I should leave this relationship. On the other hand, I have this will to do something about him and go through it with him and be sure he is fine.

I have in mind I don t want "to save anyone". That is his choice afterall.
When I go to his place and he asks me to get a couple of beers, I refuse to contribute to this. I just bring food or a movie etc.--

Can we ever develop a normal relationship?
Is it possible he s going through a phase that will pass eventually? Is it worth it to be patient about it?

Am I in danger of becoming addicted in alcohol? Statistically I mean, is it that people who are in a relationship with a person who s addicted to alcohol, tend to be addicted too?

Could it be possible that I encourage him to drink? I mean, if I find him more fun and he wants me when he is drunk, then maybe - even if I don t say it- maybe unconciously I want him to drink, and he drinks?

If he's an alcoholic, "normal" won't be on the horizon for quite awhile, I'm afraid. If he is drinking all day, and waking up to have a drink, it is HIGHLY doubtful this is "just a phase." It is even MORE doubtful that it will be "worth it to be patient about it." You only have a month of your life invested at this point. It would be "worth it" far more to leave before you become more attached and involved than you already are. Not really. Alcoholism isn't "catching" although two people with alcohol problems might be attracted to each other, and if you already have the tendency, then becoming "drinking buddies" might trigger the sleeping alcoholism in yourself. It's possible he will use that as an excuse for drinking, but it isn't what makes him drink. He drinks because, if he's an alcoholic, he must.

Your English is very good. If I were you, I would kindly say goodbye to this man, wish him well, suggest to him that if he ever decides to quit drinking, AA offers a very good solution.

Hugs,

I agree with Lexie. There's not going to be any kind of "normal" with this man.

RUN. RUN fast.

Thank you for responding quickly and clearly to my post.

It seems that while I was trying to see what will I do, he had already decided he wants us to take a break or something.

We spoke on the phone, he said he needs some time to think and see what he is going to do with his life (about issues other than drinking, like his job etc.) and that this doesn t mean we will not meet, but we ll take it easy etc.

Well, except for the sadness it makes me feel to know that he s kinda breaking up,
I think that this could be a way of him saying that he has his issues that he has to solve. And obviously, drinking is one of these issues. Now he didn t say it, but I d like to think that this is a beginning for him to see what to do with the booze.

So...I suppose this is a good thing for both of us

I hope that's true, Paprika,

The problem is that most alcoholics think the problem is their job, their relationship, their family, the people they hang out with, the kind of alcohol they drink, etc. Most of them (and I include myself, because I did the same thing when I was drinking) try changing all those things before they finally realize, somehow, some way, that it is the DRINKING that is screwing up their lives.

Hugs, I think a break will be good for you.

You've been together less than a month. No. No. No. It's not worth it. Get away from this man.

You can't fix an alcoholic. You can't count on a alcoholic. You can't trust and alcoholic. Find a nice man who doesn't drink.

Alcoholism is progressive. It gets worse over time. He may be fun now but in a few years what makes you laugh will make you cry.

I hope you can get a therapist or counselor who knows about addiction. I do think there is something in you that made you feel attracted to this man. A man that has nothing to offer. Therapy has helped me a lot to understand why I do what I do. I went out with an alkie like this guy and with many other people unable to be there emotionally.

I really wish you take this chance to dig deeper into your motivations and beliefs about yourself. It took me more like a decade. I wish I had seeked help sooner.

BTW I left this XABF and 2+ years later he drinks the same or more, I gather from some comments from 3rd parties. I am glad I didn't stick around to put up with his sickness and resent his dumb decisions. So far I am just glad I didn't die when he drove drunk. I wonder what the hell I was thinking, but well, then I didn't think my life was worth much. Or that I deserved proper love/attention/consistency.

Anyway please seek help regardless of this man being around or not... that is my advice... otherwise you'll meet the same person again only in a different body. This is not judgmental just what happened to me, over and over again until I started to get it was me all this time..

Hugs!!

TakingCharge, thank you.

I am doing therapy, I don t need it though to know, believe and feel my life s worth so much.

It is common for people who have gone through tough situations to rush and see aspects of themselves in others. I am not offended by your post, I appreciate it, but that s not me. I ve always been in really healthy relationships with very nice, kind, offering people.

You speak with anger for your ex. At least that s what I m understanding reading your post. The thing is, that my "bf" (obviously not bf anymore) has things to offer. I know, that being an A means that s all it is to it. There s no room for anything else. But, I know this person, and I would never talk in a bad way about him, just because this is his way to cope with his problems.

Empathy is the key word. My last post was about me being happy for him. I m not talking about "us". Knowing that his breaking up with me, might be one step closer to his recovery. That s a positive thing, and a man that wants to change his life in a better way, deserves every chance. And I m not angry at him because he has been weak. I want him to manage to stop drinking, as much as I want it for everyone willing to manage anything.

This is why we re here though. To share experience, to learn from each other, and help each other. Your point is clear, and I m sure it will be helful for f&f that are concerned for their own As. Psychotherapy is an intresting experience that can be helpful in all sort of difficult situations.

:)

I have to say I agree with TC.
Your questions about whether you could be responsible or can you develop a normal relationship are...I'm sorry to say, not normal.
I think non-codependent people don't think those things.
Codependent people that ask those questions, stick around while there are such big red flags (obvious problems), and come on support boards rather than walk away after a month need some help.
I am not saying there is anything wrong with that. I need the help here immensely.

I am just saying you might want to read the book Codependent No More by Melody Beattie and see if any of it fits for you.

may peace come to you.

Hi RedPaprika

Thanks for your reply.

I never meant to offend you or anyone...... just saying what I feel... and yes I am in an anger phase (that is no secret lol). But I am concerned, someone who drinks and also drugs, who knows what he is capable of? anyway I am glad to hear you are going to therapy... I am going too.... its a lifeline... !!

Also "The Language of Letting go" by the same author is great reading.. hope you can grab a copy of those books. I agree recovery spans many areas not only romantic relationships/addiction.....

There are some good readings online I get a lot from... let me look them up...

In my country there is as saying "quien anda con lobos a aullar se enseña": the translation is "who hangs around with wolves will learn to howl"

I am glad you are in SR.. you are right we are here for ES&H....have you read the Sticky section? lots of good info .. especially under "classic reading"


Where are you from if you don't mind me asking?

TakingCharge, I m from Greece

Sticky section is nice indeed

Here is one link
Addiction, Lies and Relationships

it s been almost a year i haven t written on this subject.

i decided to break up with him when one night he woke up to get 2 drinks. i took my things and left.

two weeks later he started a new relationship with this girl. he was very excited. we have common friends that tell me that he is very different now, he s still in relationship with the girl, he comes to work sober and he s reduced the drinks a lot, since last spring.

i m happy i left him that night, and i m happy for him that he is better and happy.

May I suggest you break up with him now. IMHO if you do not you will be making the single biggest mistake of your entire life and you will never be able to top it. Alcoholics not in long-term recovery aren't boyfriends, and they certainly aren't husband material-- they are hostage takers and we are the victims until we decide to stop allowing ourselves to be victims.

Take care,

Cyranoak

Good for you girl! I am happy you left him too. I saw the date on the first post and I was wondering how it turned out. Glad it was a happy ending. Did he go thru a program?

Thank you Cyranoak. The thing is we are not together. And this forum played an important role in my decision to not invest in a relationship with him

Thank you
He didn t go through a program, at least not that I know of.

I think he must have had an a-ha experience or something, we haven t talked since, so I couldn t know exactly what happened.

I have good friends that work in the same job as he.
They told me he reached bottom, then got fired, and then he got better, got his job back, found a gf, and is happy and appreciates life more :)