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Wow - it has claws

Old 03-17-2011, 04:30 PM
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Wow - it has claws

So. I'm sitting here, I realize that it's St. Patricks Day. It's also XAH's mom's birthday (his mom passed 7 years ago). My first thought, is OMG, brace for a sh-tty evening / weekend! Close on the heels of that: Oh, wait. It wont be my sh-tty evening. Not any more. Oh, THANK YOU, HP!!!

The initial feeling of panic and dread, while fleeting, was incredibly intense. The claws of the need to be aware of what sends XAH over the edge are set so deep. I thought Id at least started pulling them out, but it looks like theyre still hanging on.

I also realized that it was this time last year that XAH apparently went to work drunk and then walked off of the job, which prompted the whole in-patient rehab thing.

Im not feeling down about that realization, its actually kind of nice to be able to recognize where the panic is coming from and being able to drop it as no longer (strictly) necessary.

Benefit is: Im pretty sure I dont need to look for a copy of a visitation modification request from him this week or if one does come through, odds are it wont be in any reasonable order. Even if his GF completes it for him, odds are shes walking eggshells since she buys the whole mom died and TheUncertainty is such a b-tch reasons for why XAH drinks and will be doing her enabler utmost to keep him from drinking.
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Old 03-17-2011, 04:44 PM
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Or, read another way, I think you post says:

"Wow, I can't believe I was thinking about my XAH just now. What a relief to never have to deal with his sheet again. I still can't believe I was lucky enough for him to trade in for a new model which can now fret all she wants to. This is awesome".

I'm jealous.
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Old 03-17-2011, 08:01 PM
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Originally Posted by zrx1200R View Post
Or, read another way, I think you post says:

"Wow, I can't believe I was thinking about my XAH just now. What a relief to never have to deal with his sheet again. I still can't believe I was lucky enough for him to trade in for a new model which can now fret all she wants to. This is awesome".

I'm jealous.
Ha ha.

Couldn't have said it better myself! You sound good...healthy...that's also awesome!
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Old 03-18-2011, 04:54 AM
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Hugs!! I hope you enjoy your weekend!!
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Old 03-18-2011, 06:55 AM
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WHEW!!!! There but for the grace of God........
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Old 03-18-2011, 03:08 PM
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Holy cow, were you married to my AH? Really, the date of his dad's death was on Thanksgiving and I had to run for cover. For some reason, he did get better at handling Thanksgiving in the last few years but shoots down every other holiday. What is it with holidays?!? Mother's Day, forget about it! DRUNK. Making a scene in a restaurant. Only worse holiday was our wedding anniversary.

I am soooo understanding you. Wish I was in that place, as far as he's someone else's problem now. No more smelly gropings that I have to feel guilty for rejecting.

So glad that I can see people who have popped up on the other side.
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Old 03-18-2011, 03:15 PM
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Uncertainty, I completely understand the feeling. Not to diagnose or anything, but what you're describing sounds a whole lot like PTSD. I still get those panicky moments. Not as often or severe as they used to be, but....

One time my kids were talking to their dad on Skype and goofing around with the computer. They turned up the volume REALLY LOUD and I had a moment of panic that he was in the house yelling.....

Lately, my daughter (18) has been borrowing his vehicle while he's working on the "slope" because she doesn't have a car of her own. Sometimes when I come home from work and see his rig parked out front, I have a moment of panic.....

((((Hugs))))

L
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