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If my love is not exceptional then...

Old 03-17-2011, 08:53 AM
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If my love is not exceptional then...

I have been reading soberrecovery for a long time, but joined this group a few days ago when i posted, in despair, about my sweet alcoholic boyfriend who is not yet committed to recovery. He has a pattern of lying to me (and everyone else really) -- and making his life unstable and a little scary. I have agonized over my own feelings of suspicion, fear, judgment and responsibility. I have felt terrified and disturbed, yet valuable and gifted, as I have participated in his self-destructive, passive-aggressive (but generous, funny and gentle) life.

For some reason that has made me feel like such a damaged person, such a sick individual who has mean ideas about good people. Also because he has been so loving, so adoring, he always made me feel like I was beautiful and rare. But i am starting to think that kind of absolute love has a price. It's just very seductive for those of us who think we aren't worth of any kind of real love.

After reading a lot of people's stories and thinking hard about the responses I got to my post, we broke up today. Because it kind of helped me see that my situation is in no way exceptional, unique, or particularly important. it seems that people in relationships (maybe esp. in alcoholic/codie?) create a tiny little microcosm, and protect it at all costs. no matter how objectively unhelpful, or dysfunctional or even stupid it is. He and I both benefited (and were held back) by this powerful myth of our unique irreplaceable bond.

Thanks everyone for helping me grasp this. Time for a new story.
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Old 03-17-2011, 08:57 AM
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This is incredibly healing to read!
You have busted through something major, here!

I know it still probably feels pretty raw, and unsteady, but you are seeing something very real and sad and bitterly sweet but destructive. You will gain footing, and you may backtrack, but, WOW! Smart Girl!

All I can say is Go, YOU!!!
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Old 03-17-2011, 09:00 AM
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Good work, Jenny.
Realizing that those times of peace are really just seductive moments was a monumental moment for me. It helped me get a better handle on what's really going on in my marriage even when my AW wasn't actively drinking. You've realized this crucial thing before your life got more complicated.

You deserve a better story and I think you'll get it.
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Old 03-17-2011, 09:12 AM
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Thank you for coming here and posting that.
It was wonderful to read, and I am so happy for you.


Only one thing... I disagree with your title.
Your situation is not unique, no.
That does not make you any less wonderful and important as an individual.
There is nothing wrong with you for finding yourself in the situation you were in, and there are a whole lot of things right because you're finally giving yourself the respect you deserve.

Your love is exceptional, because it is a part of who you are, and you are an exceptional person.
You just need to send it in the right direction, rather than into an emotional black hole.
It sounds like you are recognizing that.

Now you can spend some of that exceptional love on yourself for a change.

Hooray, Jenny!
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Old 03-17-2011, 09:18 AM
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Jenny that takes so much courage and you should be so proud of yourself because whether you realize it or not you are doing a very loving thing for you and for him.

I know I did not get clean till all my loved ones wrote me off so just maybe he may seek help?

Last edited by newby1961; 03-17-2011 at 09:19 AM. Reason: wrong icon
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Old 03-17-2011, 09:21 AM
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Congratulations Jenny, on realizing this so early and ending the relationship!

Shellcrusher-your statement about "seductive moments" is so true..I got sucked in by those "moments" so many times I lost count........
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Old 03-17-2011, 09:44 AM
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How poignantly you put it.
There IS more out there for us.
I wish MY sweet AH all the best as I move forward into my life.
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Old 03-17-2011, 10:35 AM
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Thank you so much for posting today.

I've been thinking a lot about my marriage over the last couple of months.

My AH didn't start having problems with alcohol until we'd been married over 20 years. I didn't sign on for it. I didn't expect it. And, I figured AH isn't stupid. He'll put this aside when he's ready. Clearly I didn't understand alcoholism.

Lately, I've wondered about what might have been as I try to figure out where to go from here. I've considered how our life used to be. We had long, long honeymoon--decades. I adored the ground he walked on. I thought he hung the moon as the song says. We shared everything. We talked about everything. Now I realize that I was totally wrapped up in this man. I didn't know what I wanted because all I wanted was to be with him. That's not healthy.

But, so he could have a break and heal from his depression (I know), I went to work. I fell into a career and loved it. And, I grew up. The blinders started to come off. I should have left. I almost did. I didn't because I had lot on my plate at the time. I felt I couldn't handle one more change. He got me with crocodile tears. He wasn't crazy and delusional YET.

Jenny, you are a smart cookie. Stay that way. You go girl and make a wonderful new story.
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Old 03-17-2011, 10:57 AM
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What courage you have. Congratulations. You have my admiration.

I'm glad you see this as a new beginning for you. Enjoy the journey!
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Old 03-17-2011, 11:00 AM
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Good for you! It was hard to face the fact that my XAH and I did not have this exceptional love story but were, in fact, textbook alcoholic and co-dependent. Once I saw it clearly for what it was I began to move forward.
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Old 03-17-2011, 11:33 AM
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Originally Posted by jenny69 View Post
by this powerful myth of our unique irreplaceable bond.
Love that quote... that's exactly what we sometimes buy into, believing in the "star-crossed lover" story. Why do we think love and pain have to go hand-in-hand??

I, for one, believed I was "supposed" to be with my AH for many reasons, including:
  • I wasn't planning on being where I was the night we met, so it must have been fate
  • The night we met, the time we spent just talking just flew by
  • He loved Shakespeare -- see! a precursor to the star-crossed lover thing
  • Scariest reason: He was my first lover
  • I wrote in my diary "I have a reason this meeting was meant to be"
  • Etc. etc.

Now, I know there are just a few good reasons to stay with him:
  • We have to be together in our minds and hearts
  • We have to have mutual respect
  • We have support each other's growth
  • We have to have the right kind of love for each other--one which starts with self-respect, and is not a possessive, needy love

You are doing great--keep it up!
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Old 03-17-2011, 05:04 PM
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Good for you for recognizing your "terminal uniqueness" so quickly..took me alot longer!
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Old 03-17-2011, 07:53 PM
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Jenny ... I am new here, but felt quite moved by your story. I am so disallusioned by my relationship with my BF. When he was drinking, I was unhappy. Now, he is not drinking (< 1 month), and I am still unhappy. I seem to be all-consumed with thinking about how I want him and our relationship to be; but it has not been good for a long time now. Why do I stay?
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Old 03-17-2011, 10:55 PM
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Originally Posted by firstmate View Post
Jenny ... I am new here, but felt quite moved by your story. I am so disallusioned by my relationship with my BF. When he was drinking, I was unhappy. Now, he is not drinking (< 1 month), and I am still unhappy. I seem to be all-consumed with thinking about how I want him and our relationship to be; but it has not been good for a long time now. Why do I stay?
Fantasy thinking. We all ROCK at it.
We are more comfortable being consumed by the fantasy - by the "how it COULD be" - by the worrying over how to MAKE it be - than the reality.

I continue to work on REALLY LOOKING at what I have RIGHT NOW. How is he being RIGHT NOW? What are his priorities RIGHT NOW? How is he treating me RIGHT NOW? Not in the fantasy future when he shapes up, but now?

It helps.

peace
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Old 03-18-2011, 04:46 AM
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Wonderful!!!!!!! Wow, you are very smart. Thanks, your thread helped me today!

And yes there is nothing special just Delusion & Fantasy. Reality sucks often but its reality, its manageable.

PS I broke up with an XABF 2+ years ago. He is the same or worse still drinking as hell. I would still be waiting for a miracle wasting all these wonderful days to be lived as I wish to live them, not as an empty shell of myself.
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