Trying to stay strong and move on - LONG
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Join Date: Feb 2024
Posts: 49
Trying to stay strong and move on - LONG
This will be a long one.
My husband has always drank. I didn't grow up around it so I thought coming home from work and having a drink was normal. I did see from time to time that it wasn't one drink but a whole bottle of wine or many martinis. When we would go on vacation, we'd always have to find a wine store right away.
My husband was highly functional until he wasn't.
In the beginning of our marriage - he would come home from work and instead of me being happy to see him - I was resentful. He worked all the time and I was with our daughter who was difficult, and I also worked full time but not long hours like he did. We also got in a fight about one of his friends who was cheating - we saw the friend at a party and my husband told this friend to stop carrying on with his Affair Partner because I was there... that rubbed me the wrong way like my husband was part of a cover up. My husband was concerned I would tell the wife. He says it isn't our business - and I say well the second you intervened; you made it your business. I think my husband should pull away from people having affairs but he says he shouldn't judge them. Well - aren't you associated with the company you keep?
I also went through our cell phone records - and didn't find anything but we had a big blow out over it because it was an invasion of privacy.
In 2017 - I noticed he couldn't do things around the house - I picked up doing the grocery shopping and found someone to mow the lawn. He would sleep every weekend. One day I overheard him on a phone call to another woman and she said we are done and he was like oh my god oh my god. There was some other questionable stuff but he told me they were friends and talked about their parents because they both lost a parent in childhood. He claimed he only sounded like that because he had been drinking.
Weird things started happening... we'd get a letter from the police that there was a concerned citizen, the police showed up at our door because someone said he was driving erratically. He got his first DUI and was freaking out - but did everything his lawyer said to get the best possible outcome - but it wasn't for real or for recovery. He ended up getting fired from his high paying job that would have been life changing had he not been fired because he was drunk at a work event and he did not reflect well on the firm.
I was there for him through the DUI and losing his job. his employer did make him go to rehab - and again, I was there for him. I took on everything for 3 kids over mothers day and my birthday so he could focus in rehab.
Again weird things start happening and he's using cbd oil, which I realize should have trace amounts of THC - but he must have been drinking it. Then he was taking more gabapentin than he should have. Of course he gets his second DUI and I get called in the middle of the night to pick him up. My 13 year old daughter had to be woken to stay with my youngest.
He lost his bags on a business trip - I couldn't understand how we lost his bags at the airport and I'd ask him about it and he would gaslight me and say - you aren't helping my mental health by continuing to ask me about this. One day the credit card bill came and I put it together - I called the merchant and asked about a transaction and they offered to send me the receipt. He had 3 glasses of wine at 8:30 am and then flew - landed and left his bags somewhere.
He gets wasted and gets a citation for peeing on a building and then call an ambulance - again I get called from hospital to pick him up and his blood alcohol was .34. Again, someone needs to watch kids while I run to his rescue.
I gave him a list of things to do - I kept saying fake it until you make it. Of course, I went to court with him for his second DUI and sat there holding his hand.
He goes on a business trip and sends me texts saying I wish you were here. Later he comes home and passes out and I check his phone and he is also sending another women messages that I'm too embarrassed to say on here what they said. He tells me it wasn't him that sent them. Again, I figure out it was after he had been heavily drinking but he didn't admit it - he said it wasn't him. We were even in marriage counseling over this.
He has a business trip out of the country but passed out and almost misses his flight - I get him up. Once he lands back in the US, I get a call from a police officer that he is at the airport drunk and could I come get him. Again, my oldest has to watch the youngest so I can leave the house.
There is more passing out and bad stuff happening - I'm finding alcohol hidden in the house. I start yelling at him because he would give me the same story over and over - he didn';t ask for this disease, he wishes he didn't have it... it was like groundhogs day. He would do something at night, I'd yell, he wouldn't remember the next day and I'd end up clueing him in and he'd be ashamed and remorseful. However, he did start saying that I was verbally abusive. He tells me I'm not human and have no compassion.
Then covid hits and somehow he is sober but obviously not in recovery.
In 2022 - it is our 20th anniversary and he ruins it by saying I did things and I know what I did... I did nothing. But you can't get back a 20th anniversary so I'm devastated it has been ruined. He also ruined out 17th anniversary by drinking.
In 2023 - it is obvious he has relapsed except it wasn't obvious to me. He would yell at me and I didn't know what was going on. He would miss trains to get home. He would call me and say he didn't know what to do his flight was cancelled - it wasn't... he missed it. I'd expect him at a certain time and he wouldn't get home until hours later and I wouldn't be able to reach him - his cell phone battery would die. I would be in a state of panic.
We go to my daughter's dance recital and he doesn't come in after intermission and misses one of her dances - wouldn't you know it - it was my fault.
He's angry at me all the time - telling me he hates me and to F off. my 8 year old starts repeating it. My oldest doesn't want to be home anymore and begged him to stop - it was her last summer before heading off to college. She begged for a normal summer without any drama.
I told him good dads don't get drunk and pass out - he told me I was cruel.
I catch him drinking at 8:30 am again - he tells me I will never understand. He tells me I hate him and I'm repulsed by him.
My 8 year old repeats what he heard my husband saying about me on the phone one night - that he hates me, that I am evil, I'm a monster. I took everything from him.
We start seeing a marriage counselor and his response to me is "I am hoping that once you bring up whatever you want or need to bring up and address with a clinical professional with me there too that it will never come up again to cause me the level of intense pain it has"
One night he was supposed to take our daughter to the mall - I thought he was acting off - I very nicely said - hey why don't you have our daughter drive. He went into a rage for 3 hours - I ruin everything. I've turned the kids against him, said he hated me and f you over and over. Our 8 year old heard it. Our oldest told him to stop - and he would in front of her then yell at me again. I thought he was going to hit me.
the next day he is remorseful and scared that he almost hit me.
I find out he had been drinking. SO I was right all along - and I get yelled at it for 3 hours because of it? He was going to drive drunk with our 18 year old.
a few days later he was supposed to be watching our 8 year old and I found alcohol and dumped it out.
I then told him I was done - we needed a divorce. I have forgiven so much but I can't forgive almost driving with our daughter and almost being drunk when watching our son.
One day I get texts from him - he is at the aiport in our town. I can tell it is going south quickly. He stops responding. So what do I do? I buy a ticket to get through security and find him at a bar - when I get there - he is surrounded by paramedics and there is blood everywhere. Again he gets transported to the hospital and his blood alcohol is .33.
No big things happen for a while - but a few weeks ago he was not allowed to board flights for intoxication - he told me they were wrong and he said I know you don't believe me - and like a fool, I believed him. Yes, he was drinking. and like a good little codependent, i get him a hotel room and help him get a flight the next day.
His new thing now is that I have caused him pain by yelling at him and not letting up, by snooping all the time, by being someone he couldn't confide in (because of my reaction to his cheating friend). The pain I have caused him is worse than the pain he caused me.
My daughter said but mom - you only caused pain to him - he caused pain to all of us.
There is not one person who thinks I should stay with him - I think I still love him - but is that the trauma bond?
What if he can become the guy I married again? The one for a good 14 years put our family first?
Right now - he is a manipulator who gaslights me when I know something is amiss. and he's a liar. and alcohol is his mistress who he loves more than anything because he puts it before any of us - including his own safety - like if he drinks and drives again - he could die or kill someone and end up in jail. Its bad.
So why am I here? For support. I am so codependent. I'm in therapy. I have gone to one al anon meeting and will go to more. I know he has had too many chances and I need to move on. I know I can share here - because I've read the posts and I know you all have similar stories. In al anon the people were saying they just accept the alcoholic and don't intervene. I can't accept him - the chaos has to stop.
I'm scared he will get 50/50 custody though and how do I protect my son? My 14 year old daughter will choose to stay with me most of the time.
I just can't believe after all i have done to be there for him (which I know means I'm sick) - he hates me. I stood by him through job loss, through duis, hospital stays, weird things with other women that never made sense - and he hates me?
I also have OCD and am learning some of my behaviors are from that. Like the yelling and not letting up on him - it is a compulsion that makes me feel better temporarily but then makes things worse when I think about it again later. Same thing with checking the cell phone records - it would make me feel better when I didn't find anything but just made me want to check more.
Please help me to be strong to move on - I need all the encouragement I can get. I know I have faults - but this is just too much right?
If you read this all - thank you. Lately Ive been thinking I should start a tik tok about all I've been through with my husband - except it would air his dirty laundy. I watch over people's videos and it helps!
My husband has always drank. I didn't grow up around it so I thought coming home from work and having a drink was normal. I did see from time to time that it wasn't one drink but a whole bottle of wine or many martinis. When we would go on vacation, we'd always have to find a wine store right away.
My husband was highly functional until he wasn't.
In the beginning of our marriage - he would come home from work and instead of me being happy to see him - I was resentful. He worked all the time and I was with our daughter who was difficult, and I also worked full time but not long hours like he did. We also got in a fight about one of his friends who was cheating - we saw the friend at a party and my husband told this friend to stop carrying on with his Affair Partner because I was there... that rubbed me the wrong way like my husband was part of a cover up. My husband was concerned I would tell the wife. He says it isn't our business - and I say well the second you intervened; you made it your business. I think my husband should pull away from people having affairs but he says he shouldn't judge them. Well - aren't you associated with the company you keep?
I also went through our cell phone records - and didn't find anything but we had a big blow out over it because it was an invasion of privacy.
In 2017 - I noticed he couldn't do things around the house - I picked up doing the grocery shopping and found someone to mow the lawn. He would sleep every weekend. One day I overheard him on a phone call to another woman and she said we are done and he was like oh my god oh my god. There was some other questionable stuff but he told me they were friends and talked about their parents because they both lost a parent in childhood. He claimed he only sounded like that because he had been drinking.
Weird things started happening... we'd get a letter from the police that there was a concerned citizen, the police showed up at our door because someone said he was driving erratically. He got his first DUI and was freaking out - but did everything his lawyer said to get the best possible outcome - but it wasn't for real or for recovery. He ended up getting fired from his high paying job that would have been life changing had he not been fired because he was drunk at a work event and he did not reflect well on the firm.
I was there for him through the DUI and losing his job. his employer did make him go to rehab - and again, I was there for him. I took on everything for 3 kids over mothers day and my birthday so he could focus in rehab.
Again weird things start happening and he's using cbd oil, which I realize should have trace amounts of THC - but he must have been drinking it. Then he was taking more gabapentin than he should have. Of course he gets his second DUI and I get called in the middle of the night to pick him up. My 13 year old daughter had to be woken to stay with my youngest.
He lost his bags on a business trip - I couldn't understand how we lost his bags at the airport and I'd ask him about it and he would gaslight me and say - you aren't helping my mental health by continuing to ask me about this. One day the credit card bill came and I put it together - I called the merchant and asked about a transaction and they offered to send me the receipt. He had 3 glasses of wine at 8:30 am and then flew - landed and left his bags somewhere.
He gets wasted and gets a citation for peeing on a building and then call an ambulance - again I get called from hospital to pick him up and his blood alcohol was .34. Again, someone needs to watch kids while I run to his rescue.
I gave him a list of things to do - I kept saying fake it until you make it. Of course, I went to court with him for his second DUI and sat there holding his hand.
He goes on a business trip and sends me texts saying I wish you were here. Later he comes home and passes out and I check his phone and he is also sending another women messages that I'm too embarrassed to say on here what they said. He tells me it wasn't him that sent them. Again, I figure out it was after he had been heavily drinking but he didn't admit it - he said it wasn't him. We were even in marriage counseling over this.
He has a business trip out of the country but passed out and almost misses his flight - I get him up. Once he lands back in the US, I get a call from a police officer that he is at the airport drunk and could I come get him. Again, my oldest has to watch the youngest so I can leave the house.
There is more passing out and bad stuff happening - I'm finding alcohol hidden in the house. I start yelling at him because he would give me the same story over and over - he didn';t ask for this disease, he wishes he didn't have it... it was like groundhogs day. He would do something at night, I'd yell, he wouldn't remember the next day and I'd end up clueing him in and he'd be ashamed and remorseful. However, he did start saying that I was verbally abusive. He tells me I'm not human and have no compassion.
Then covid hits and somehow he is sober but obviously not in recovery.
In 2022 - it is our 20th anniversary and he ruins it by saying I did things and I know what I did... I did nothing. But you can't get back a 20th anniversary so I'm devastated it has been ruined. He also ruined out 17th anniversary by drinking.
In 2023 - it is obvious he has relapsed except it wasn't obvious to me. He would yell at me and I didn't know what was going on. He would miss trains to get home. He would call me and say he didn't know what to do his flight was cancelled - it wasn't... he missed it. I'd expect him at a certain time and he wouldn't get home until hours later and I wouldn't be able to reach him - his cell phone battery would die. I would be in a state of panic.
We go to my daughter's dance recital and he doesn't come in after intermission and misses one of her dances - wouldn't you know it - it was my fault.
He's angry at me all the time - telling me he hates me and to F off. my 8 year old starts repeating it. My oldest doesn't want to be home anymore and begged him to stop - it was her last summer before heading off to college. She begged for a normal summer without any drama.
I told him good dads don't get drunk and pass out - he told me I was cruel.
I catch him drinking at 8:30 am again - he tells me I will never understand. He tells me I hate him and I'm repulsed by him.
My 8 year old repeats what he heard my husband saying about me on the phone one night - that he hates me, that I am evil, I'm a monster. I took everything from him.
We start seeing a marriage counselor and his response to me is "I am hoping that once you bring up whatever you want or need to bring up and address with a clinical professional with me there too that it will never come up again to cause me the level of intense pain it has"
One night he was supposed to take our daughter to the mall - I thought he was acting off - I very nicely said - hey why don't you have our daughter drive. He went into a rage for 3 hours - I ruin everything. I've turned the kids against him, said he hated me and f you over and over. Our 8 year old heard it. Our oldest told him to stop - and he would in front of her then yell at me again. I thought he was going to hit me.
the next day he is remorseful and scared that he almost hit me.
I find out he had been drinking. SO I was right all along - and I get yelled at it for 3 hours because of it? He was going to drive drunk with our 18 year old.
a few days later he was supposed to be watching our 8 year old and I found alcohol and dumped it out.
I then told him I was done - we needed a divorce. I have forgiven so much but I can't forgive almost driving with our daughter and almost being drunk when watching our son.
One day I get texts from him - he is at the aiport in our town. I can tell it is going south quickly. He stops responding. So what do I do? I buy a ticket to get through security and find him at a bar - when I get there - he is surrounded by paramedics and there is blood everywhere. Again he gets transported to the hospital and his blood alcohol is .33.
No big things happen for a while - but a few weeks ago he was not allowed to board flights for intoxication - he told me they were wrong and he said I know you don't believe me - and like a fool, I believed him. Yes, he was drinking. and like a good little codependent, i get him a hotel room and help him get a flight the next day.
His new thing now is that I have caused him pain by yelling at him and not letting up, by snooping all the time, by being someone he couldn't confide in (because of my reaction to his cheating friend). The pain I have caused him is worse than the pain he caused me.
My daughter said but mom - you only caused pain to him - he caused pain to all of us.
There is not one person who thinks I should stay with him - I think I still love him - but is that the trauma bond?
What if he can become the guy I married again? The one for a good 14 years put our family first?
Right now - he is a manipulator who gaslights me when I know something is amiss. and he's a liar. and alcohol is his mistress who he loves more than anything because he puts it before any of us - including his own safety - like if he drinks and drives again - he could die or kill someone and end up in jail. Its bad.
So why am I here? For support. I am so codependent. I'm in therapy. I have gone to one al anon meeting and will go to more. I know he has had too many chances and I need to move on. I know I can share here - because I've read the posts and I know you all have similar stories. In al anon the people were saying they just accept the alcoholic and don't intervene. I can't accept him - the chaos has to stop.
I'm scared he will get 50/50 custody though and how do I protect my son? My 14 year old daughter will choose to stay with me most of the time.
I just can't believe after all i have done to be there for him (which I know means I'm sick) - he hates me. I stood by him through job loss, through duis, hospital stays, weird things with other women that never made sense - and he hates me?
I also have OCD and am learning some of my behaviors are from that. Like the yelling and not letting up on him - it is a compulsion that makes me feel better temporarily but then makes things worse when I think about it again later. Same thing with checking the cell phone records - it would make me feel better when I didn't find anything but just made me want to check more.
Please help me to be strong to move on - I need all the encouragement I can get. I know I have faults - but this is just too much right?
If you read this all - thank you. Lately Ive been thinking I should start a tik tok about all I've been through with my husband - except it would air his dirty laundy. I watch over people's videos and it helps!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: German Village, Columbus with my love ♥
Posts: 88,443
That guy who hates you is not the man you married; this angry guy is someone in trouble taking his pain out on you.
He needs to get himself some help, without a doubt; you are a wonderful wife who has done more than enough.
s
And I don't think he has a any chance at all of getting 50% custody of your son, and if I were you, I would talk to a family lawyer, way better than tik tok, in my opinion.
s xxxx
He needs to get himself some help, without a doubt; you are a wonderful wife who has done more than enough.
sAnd I don't think he has a any chance at all of getting 50% custody of your son, and if I were you, I would talk to a family lawyer, way better than tik tok, in my opinion.
s xxxxAdministrator
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I'm sorry for the situation with your husband. It's good that you are seeking support for yourself because you need to take care of yourself and your children. You said you need encouragement to be strong and to move on. I suggest that you think of your children and what they are seeing in their daily lives. I know you want better for them, so focus on that.
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Join Date: Feb 2024
Posts: 49
venuscat - I do have a lawyer. I mention 50/50 because I think that will be the only thing my husband fights me on. He will want shared custody because when he isn't drinking - he is a good father who adores his kids. I hate to make it all about money - but I don't have enough to fight him in court. And if he can use soberlink and test frequently - I think he could have my son. My only other concern is the hours he works and the travel he has.
I appreciate you saying I'm a wonderful wife - sometimes I feel like I'm not but would anyone else put up with what I have for the past 8 years? probably not.
PhoenixJ - yes, alcohol does destroy families. It is a terrible baffling disease.
I appreciate you saying I'm a wonderful wife - sometimes I feel like I'm not but would anyone else put up with what I have for the past 8 years? probably not.
PhoenixJ - yes, alcohol does destroy families. It is a terrible baffling disease.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: German Village, Columbus with my love ♥
Posts: 88,443
I understand, dear toomanychances and thank you for explaining.
Knowing the details, I think you are probably right to be concerned re custody (sorry for my earlier assumption). And that changes things, because it isn't as easy to do things the way you need to.
Again, my best advice is talking this through with your lawyer; no one knows how to navigate these waters better than experienced family lawyers.
And yes, you are a wonderful wife—you have tried to help your man for years. s ❤️❤️
Knowing the details, I think you are probably right to be concerned re custody (sorry for my earlier assumption). And that changes things, because it isn't as easy to do things the way you need to.
Again, my best advice is talking this through with your lawyer; no one knows how to navigate these waters better than experienced family lawyers.
And yes, you are a wonderful wife—you have tried to help your man for years.
s ❤️❤️
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2024
Posts: 49
venuscat, yes - I'm also concerned about finances. We live in a high cost of living area. My 14 year old will be in high school next year and I think we'd majorly mess her up if we moved her. She's been with her friends since kindergarten.
And I think his alcoholism is more documented that anything I've done - but I do worry he will air my dirty laundry. I have told the older 2 the things he says I have done to cause him pain because when we get divorced I don't want them to think it is only things my husband has done... but they are smart kids and have observed a lot. I have great relationships with my kids, family and friends - and he doesn't... so they see what is going on.
And I think his alcoholism is more documented that anything I've done - but I do worry he will air my dirty laundry. I have told the older 2 the things he says I have done to cause him pain because when we get divorced I don't want them to think it is only things my husband has done... but they are smart kids and have observed a lot. I have great relationships with my kids, family and friends - and he doesn't... so they see what is going on.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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Originally Posted by toomanychances 
Please help me to be strong to move on - I need all the encouragement I can get. I know I have faults - but this is just too much right?
It's bad for you and bad for your kids and actually it's not great for your AH either, he just keeps getting a pass and a soft place to fall.
It's obvious his addiction is progressing and although he has had 2 DUI's and been fired and is losing his marriage, he carries on. The real consequences though haven't really been able to play out because you have been there to rescue him. I understand why you did it, but it is enough?
He is lying to you, he is a cheater, he gaslights you, he has little regard for his children. If he did, at the very least, he wouldn't go on 3 hour rages when they are around, but he is impulsive and obviously lacks self control.
There is normally a branch of the law society that handles cases on a sliding scale for people who do not have the money for a lawyer, you may want to contact them. Preferably you will have a lawyer familiar with addiction. Your local DV center can probably help you out there too as well, identifying those lawyers for you.
He absolutely can't be trusted with the children, alone, when he is still drinking. You can ask for soberlink (and request that he pay for that), you can ask for X months of supervised visits only with no overnights until he can prove he has been sober, showed up for visitation on time, brought the kids back when he is supposed to (a track record, when he messes it up and he probably will if he doesn't stop drinking, the counter goes back to 1).
You may find that he will be less and less interested in custody as time goes on. It's easier to want to be around the kids when he can drink and have them around too.
Have you asked him to leave?
As for financial concerns, he will have to pay child support, unless he gets half custody, so there is that. Otherwise, you may have to downsize, hopefully in the same area for you children's sake. Do you work?
Keep in mind he may not always be capable of providing that support. He has already been fired once for drinking, nothing says it won't happen again. I really hate being negative about that, but that's the reality so you may want to start making a plan now.
As for Al Anon, you might try a different group, maybe an online group even? Either way, it sounds like your group are all choosing to stay with their alcoholic and that's ok, but that may be why they all attend that particular meeting. Try a few, you will find your group.
Also, always support here for you.
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Join Date: Feb 2024
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trailmix, no he won't be less and less interested in custody. and yes that is a real concern that he will lose his job again.
We were supposed to go to marriage counseling this morning and he tells me a co-worker has a house in San Francisco and he would like to go. He's never been to San Francisco. The co-worker is one who I've been suspicious of and he knew that. He told me she will probably be there in March and that is when he'd like to go.
I have told him so many times if something looks inappropriate, he shouldn't do it. He doesn't know if her husband will be there or not- but he sees no issues with the two of them being there alone.
We were supposed to go to marriage counseling this morning and he tells me a co-worker has a house in San Francisco and he would like to go. He's never been to San Francisco. The co-worker is one who I've been suspicious of and he knew that. He told me she will probably be there in March and that is when he'd like to go.
I have told him so many times if something looks inappropriate, he shouldn't do it. He doesn't know if her husband will be there or not- but he sees no issues with the two of them being there alone.
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he thinks it is ok because he asked me if he could go and he was transparent about it. He thinks he did everything right and I'm in the wrong for getting so upset about it.
If he thought about me first, he wouldn't have even asked - he would remember I had concerns about her - he would know not to put himself in a position where he is alone with another woman.
Am I wrong here?
If he thought about me first, he wouldn't have even asked - he would remember I had concerns about her - he would know not to put himself in a position where he is alone with another woman.
Am I wrong here?
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: German Village, Columbus with my love ♥
Posts: 88,443
Originally Posted by toomanychances
venuscat, yes - I'm also concerned about finances. We live in a high cost of living area. My 14 year old will be in high school next year and I think we'd majorly mess her up if we moved her. She's been with her friends since kindergarten.
And I think his alcoholism is more documented that anything I've done - but I do worry he will air my dirty laundry. I have told the older 2 the things he says I have done to cause him pain because when we get divorced I don't want them to think it is only things my husband has done... but they are smart kids and have observed a lot. I have great relationships with my kids, family and friends - and he doesn't... so they see what is going on.
And I think his alcoholism is more documented that anything I've done - but I do worry he will air my dirty laundry. I have told the older 2 the things he says I have done to cause him pain because when we get divorced I don't want them to think it is only things my husband has done... but they are smart kids and have observed a lot. I have great relationships with my kids, family and friends - and he doesn't... so they see what is going on.
sSo keeping it all as copacetic as possible is the aim, and now you have all of us for support as you work your way through this. ❤️
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: German Village, Columbus with my love ♥
Posts: 88,443
Originally Posted by toomanychances
he thinks it is ok because he asked me if he could go and he was transparent about it. He thinks he did everything right and I'm in the wrong for getting so upset about it.
If he thought about me first, he wouldn't have even asked - he would remember I had concerns about her - he would know not to put himself in a position where he is alone with another woman.
Am I wrong here?
If he thought about me first, he wouldn't have even asked - he would remember I had concerns about her - he would know not to put himself in a position where he is alone with another woman.
Am I wrong here?
s I would lose my mind if my husband did something like that. (Or maybe I would just lose my husband
).
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Join Date: Jul 2023
Posts: 130
Hello toomanychances,,
I remember years ago when there was a new member here who chose "CodeineWife" as her username. And after a couple of years or so of posting on Sober Recovery F&F she changed her name to BayAreaPhoenix. And she really was, by then.
I hope one day you will be able to post as someone other than "toomanychances". That will be a big moment for you.
Eventually the wife of an alcoholic/addict wrecking things as often as yours does becomes his mother. As if he is a 10 year old. "I had to go pick him up." Again and again. Endlessly. And other such mother sort of rescues.
In my experience, healthy non-addicted men are annoyed by wives who mother them.
But alcoholics....they resent. Bitterly. The rescuing wife is a constant reminder, with her picking up and wiping up, that he is not a whole man any longer.
And very often, these kinds of alcoholics will hook up with someone else. Then resent the mothering-wife who criticizes him for it. Like a teenager mad at a mom who says he's not allowed.
While he is on his date in California, this would be an excellent time for you to retain a lawyer and get started on a new life. Wishing you the courage to do it.
I remember years ago when there was a new member here who chose "CodeineWife" as her username. And after a couple of years or so of posting on Sober Recovery F&F she changed her name to BayAreaPhoenix. And she really was, by then.
I hope one day you will be able to post as someone other than "toomanychances". That will be a big moment for you.
Eventually the wife of an alcoholic/addict wrecking things as often as yours does becomes his mother. As if he is a 10 year old. "I had to go pick him up." Again and again. Endlessly. And other such mother sort of rescues.
In my experience, healthy non-addicted men are annoyed by wives who mother them.
But alcoholics....they resent. Bitterly. The rescuing wife is a constant reminder, with her picking up and wiping up, that he is not a whole man any longer.
And very often, these kinds of alcoholics will hook up with someone else. Then resent the mothering-wife who criticizes him for it. Like a teenager mad at a mom who says he's not allowed.
While he is on his date in California, this would be an excellent time for you to retain a lawyer and get started on a new life. Wishing you the courage to do it.
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Posts: 49
Originally Posted by venuscat
No, absolutely not. s
I would lose my mind if my husband did something like that. (Or maybe I would just lose my husband).
s I would lose my mind if my husband did something like that. (Or maybe I would just lose my husband
).If any of my friends' husbands wanted to go to CA and stay with a female friend - my friend would probably be ok because their husbands aren't alcoholics, they have trust in their relationships, and there isn't this history of inappropriate boundaries.
Knowing our history and where we are... why would he ever think this was ok to ask?
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Originally Posted by LucyIntheGarden
Hello toomanychances,,
I remember years ago when there was a new member here who chose "CodeineWife" as her username. And after a couple of years or so of posting on Sober Recovery F&F she changed her name to BayAreaPhoenix. And she really was, by then.
I hope one day you will be able to post as someone other than "toomanychances". That will be a big moment for you.
Eventually the wife of an alcoholic/addict wrecking things as often as yours does becomes his mother. As if he is a 10 year old. "I had to go pick him up." Again and again. Endlessly. And other such mother sort of rescues.
In my experience, healthy non-addicted men are annoyed by wives who mother them.
But alcoholics....they resent. Bitterly. The rescuing wife is a constant reminder, with her picking up and wiping up, that he is not a whole man any longer.
And very often, these kinds of alcoholics will hook up with someone else. Then resent the mothering-wife who criticizes him for it. Like a teenager mad at a mom who says he's not allowed.
While he is on his date in California, this would be an excellent time for you to retain a lawyer and get started on a new life. Wishing you the courage to do it.
I remember years ago when there was a new member here who chose "CodeineWife" as her username. And after a couple of years or so of posting on Sober Recovery F&F she changed her name to BayAreaPhoenix. And she really was, by then.
I hope one day you will be able to post as someone other than "toomanychances". That will be a big moment for you.
Eventually the wife of an alcoholic/addict wrecking things as often as yours does becomes his mother. As if he is a 10 year old. "I had to go pick him up." Again and again. Endlessly. And other such mother sort of rescues.
In my experience, healthy non-addicted men are annoyed by wives who mother them.
But alcoholics....they resent. Bitterly. The rescuing wife is a constant reminder, with her picking up and wiping up, that he is not a whole man any longer.
And very often, these kinds of alcoholics will hook up with someone else. Then resent the mothering-wife who criticizes him for it. Like a teenager mad at a mom who says he's not allowed.
While he is on his date in California, this would be an excellent time for you to retain a lawyer and get started on a new life. Wishing you the courage to do it.
Everything else is reason enough - but for him to be so insensitive. and the kicker is - he has plenty of hotel points - use those! you don't need to stay with her.
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Originally Posted by venuscat
I don't think it's ok under any circumstances, but that's just me. xx
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Location: German Village, Columbus with my love ♥
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Oh, I get that. My parents were the same. They were married for 62 years.
My dad travelled a lot on business, and my mum was completely unfussed because she was 100% confident that he was a good guy. (he was). However, not in a million years would he have stayed at a home where there was a single woman, no matter how close either of my parents were with her, because there is a line you don't cross.
I wouldn't do it, and I would not be OK with my husband doing that, either.
As I said, just me.
They were married for 62 years. My dad travelled a lot on business, and my mum was completely unfussed because she was 100% confident that he was a good guy. (he was
). However, not in a million years would he have stayed at a home where there was a single woman, no matter how close either of my parents were with her, because there is a line you don't cross.I wouldn't do it, and I would not be OK with my husband doing that, either.
As I said, just me.
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Join Date: Feb 2024
Posts: 49
Originally Posted by venuscat
Oh, I get that. My parents were the same. They were married for 62 years.
My dad travelled a lot on business, and my mum was completely unfussed because she was 100% confident that he was a good guy. (he was). However, not in a million years would he have stayed at a home where there was a single woman, no matter how close either of my parents were with her, because there is a line you don't cross.
I wouldn't do it, and I would not be OK with my husband doing that, either.
As I said, just me.
They were married for 62 years. My dad travelled a lot on business, and my mum was completely unfussed because she was 100% confident that he was a good guy. (he was
). However, not in a million years would he have stayed at a home where there was a single woman, no matter how close either of my parents were with her, because there is a line you don't cross.I wouldn't do it, and I would not be OK with my husband doing that, either.
As I said, just me.
Given our history - my husband should never have thought it was ok.
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