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I think my daughter is becoming an alcoholic

Old 03-20-2011, 07:21 AM
  # 41 (permalink)  
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Have you thought about how you will respond if she gets herself locked up while she's down there? I think they are starting to crack down on underage drinking, and she seems to get a little, um, wild under the influence...

Just something to think about. If she's going down there "as an adult," would it be your job to bail her out?
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Old 03-20-2011, 09:43 AM
  # 42 (permalink)  
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I have these neighbors that are very religious and are/were really strict with their kids. They had a leash for their son and when he was a toddler the Mom would actually put him out in the front yard on his leash tied to a tree while she would work in the yard! I'm not making this up! They had their daughter and a very tight leash while growing up and I remember saying she's gonna cut loose big time when she goes to college. Sure enough as soon as she was out from under her overbearing mothers grip she went bonkers. Up all night, sleeping around, taking, snorting , drinking anything she could get her hands on. A couple DUIs and court appearances and putting her parents through hell she finally settled down and she's doing fine now. Almost done and will graduate this spring.

I remember as a teenager good catholic girls are the girls we would try to meet because all their life they're been told no no don't do that, forbidden fruit! And they were always the wildest in every case based on my own experience. I'm not saying this is the case with your daughter and believe me I feel for you big time. I would be a wreck if I had a daughter doing this stuff and I'm wishing you good luck and a good outcome.

I have two sons and knock on wood they turned out OK, I'd like to think I had a little to do with that. One of my philosophies as a parent was to let them touch the hot stove (figuratively speaking) because some lessons we just have to learn on our own. It's a fine line between over protecting and teaching them to be self sufficient. Parenting is not for the faint hearted, that's for sure.
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Old 03-20-2011, 02:04 PM
  # 43 (permalink)  
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None us us can say for sure that this isn't just a phase, but there are definately signs that this is more serious..the behavior has continued and escalated despite multiple contacts with the law and/or school authorites..compared to her drinking peers she has still exceeded "normal" behavior. She is an adult and if she's paying, letting her go is not really within a parents control..as the mom of an addict/alcoholic..my suggestion would be to just let her really feel every single consequence of her behavior..whether it be jail, school probabtion, you removing your financil support, whatever..consequences make people motivated to change behaviors..this sucks, and it's really hard when they are this young adult time..my daughter is 19 now and in school..we pay for her sober living and some expenses..it's a fine line to walk and you are just at the beginning (hopefully it doesn't continue) but if it does alanon is a real life saver..
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Old 03-20-2011, 04:07 PM
  # 44 (permalink)  
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I believe it isn't just a phase. I believe she's a full-blown alcoholic and there is high level denial going on here. I also believe finding an Alanon meeting as soon as possible is critical for mom and/or dad.

Take care, take what you want, and leave the rest.

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Old 03-21-2011, 07:29 AM
  # 45 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Sheneedshelp View Post
My oldest daughter Amber is 18. She was a great kid when she was younger 4.0, always did the right thing, volunteered, she's absolutely gorgeous. I couldn't have asked for a better daughter. As a mom I felt proud of my parenting that I raised such a good daughter. Her hard work paid off she got accepted into one of the best colleges in the area.


Where can I start

I can relate. My oldest daughter was also the absolute perfect kid - so delightful, personable, smart and well-behaved. She is also quite beautiful, with piercing icy blue eyes. I have told myself over the years that beauty isn't what matters, but the truth is that we do take pride in our children - as if we had anything to do with it - in this regard.

I quote the above and wrote that because I think that we take it very personally when our "good" kids start to go "bad". If your girl has alcoholism - and it certainly would seem to be the case - this is NOT your fault, and it is NOT a reflection on you. Just as being born with good looks isn't something that you did well as a parent.
My daughter is now a senior in college, and has been saying "it's what college kids do" and I wonder why lie she will tell herself once she graduates. But it's hers to question.

"Where can I start" is best answered by attending al-anon, and also keep with us here on this board. We will help you when you feel despair and don't know what to do next. Your daughter is simply where she is at this point in her problem. She will come out of the lie when it is time, and not much you do will affect that timing. Just love her and let her know that you're there for her when that time does arrive.

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Old 03-21-2011, 07:41 AM
  # 46 (permalink)  
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Oh, the headaches I gave my parents my freshman year of college!!! I got so drunk my first semester (for swim team initiation) that I ended up in the hospital. Scary... very scary. I had "the talk" with my folks about alcoholism and our family history. I listened, nodded, smiled... and when it was done... I went on my merry way.

I don't remember exactly what made me stop. I don't think there was a single defining moment. Just a whole bunch of really bad morning-afters. My grades never really suffered (amazingly!) so it wasn't the threat of losing scholarships. I guess for me it was more the embarassment. The shame of the out of control behavior, not remember what I had done... the blackouts and not knowing how I got home, or who I might have been with.

Nothing anybody said or did anything, or threatened stopped me. There was no legal troubles, or anything like that. It came from within me. And when I struggled again with drinking in my mid to late 20's... again, it came from within me. Alcohol turned me into something I was not proud of and I knew I needed to step back from the bottle.

I was lucky enough to have parents who believed in letting me live out my consequences. We had that one talk freshman year, and then they let go. It had to have been hell for them. I'm sure they didn't sleep much while I was in college, or when I moved half-way across the country for grad school... but they let me go, and let me learn it my way.

I know someday I will be right where you are with my daughter and son. As Jazzman said...

It's a fine line between over protecting and teaching them to be self sufficient. Parenting is not for the faint hearted, that's for sure.
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Old 03-21-2011, 07:51 AM
  # 47 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Sheneedshelp View Post
I'm a little worried about her spring break plans. But not terrified.


the 3 friends parents are taking them down to their beach house in fort lauderdale. The parents will be there the whole week so I can't imagine them doing anything too crazy. I've already talked to the girls mom it seems like she'll be in good hands
It is not my intention to frighten you, and I know a lot of people are screaming things at you that may be new ("hands off!, don't enable!")
but the following is what I posted exactly one year ago:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ughter-er.html
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Old 03-22-2011, 09:31 AM
  # 48 (permalink)  
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Sheneedshelp...

How are you doing today?

Thoughts are with you :-)
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