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I think my daughter is becoming an alcoholic

Old 03-17-2011, 04:21 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Welcome to the forum.
Nice to meet you
and sorry for the reason.

I think the best advice here is the concern
over legal entanglements.
I think it's great that a kid wants to be an adult
and I also think it's necesary
to make that as actual as possible.

But if she DOES get into some trouble
on her way to the bottom
it COULD entangle you and your property
in a way
that could cost you your house.

Something to think about.

ALso =-
I agree for the need of face to face support
to surround yourself with others who have
been there done that.

You will find
that the people in recovery
are the most 'connected' people on the planet.

They know programs
they know books
they know other people
and they want to help.

And it's free -
nobody but NOBODY can beat the price.

Far better
than having to sell the house
to pay legal bills
put on you by the court
because the car was in your name.

Lastly
I didn't know there were any states left
that had a drinking age of 18.
I say that
because the colleges here
would have already put her out.

For nothing more
than the POTENTIAL
of legal action
by other parents
and because they value their reputations
as scholastic based colleges.

I realize and understand
that it's also a blow to the psyche
to have to go from
being so proud of a child
to being a parent
trying to cope with an addiction.

That's a bitter pill.

I hope you'll read here all that we have
and think about what the others have said
some have said what they did
from personal experience
and they're not just 'sister doom' types.

We know how quickly it can go bad in a surreal way.

But you're here
and your'e not alone.

I hope you take advantage of the ES&H here.

Welcome!
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Old 03-17-2011, 04:31 PM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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Welcome to SR, Sheneedshelp. I'm sorry for what brings you here, but glad you're reaching out for support.

Gaaaah! I'd be freakin' PO'd, disappointed, PO'd, shocked, PO'd.... well you get the picture, to sign onto facebook and find my child doing that. (In my case DS, so please bear with me when I switch between she / he....)
  1. (The big one) That he was doing this at all, especially to this extent.
  2. That he didn't think enough to realize that FAMILY checks FB too. (What little brother wants to be looking around FB and find pictures of his big sister in fairly pornographic poses? O_M_G - ?! Mom and Dad, Aunt Clara, Grandpa Joe and Grandma Betty can see this too!)
  3. That he didn't think enough to realize that these pages stick around in some format pretty much FOREVER. (I can still find an old gothic gardening site that I used to get info from even though the gal took it down years and years ago. The links and such don't work, but the information and photos are still available. And I'm not that technically savvy.)
  4. That he didn't think enough to realize that scholarship and school administrators, not to mention prospective employers, are increasingly checking FB and similar pages when checking references, backgrounds, etc.
The thought is enough to make me want to lock DS in his room and refuse him computer privileges forever, and he's only 6.

(Shellcrusher – I think you may underestimate the effects a ‘properly’ selected outfit can have on some college guys. – or a reputation – Sometimes, it’s all in who you know; in who your friends are, who’s manning the door, how you’re dressed or the “this party has too many guys, just let the girls in, man”. Just sayin’)

Yeah, some kids do go a bit wild. Parties at college happen. Kids do stupid stuff while figuring out what who they are. As others have pointed out, for some it’s a phase that is outgrown. For some it’s more serious. I don’t know what it is for your daughter. I imagine that either way it’s really hard to watch. IMHO, though, there really is no way to make sure she handles herself appropriately. She is no longer a little girl; she’s going to make the choices she makes. Letting her know she’ll have to face the consequences is one way to help her, even if it hurts you like h-ll.

Best wishes.
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Old 03-17-2011, 05:59 PM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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I am the mom of a 19 year old alcoholic/addict.what I can say is that the amount of contact she's had with authority figures in this short time regarding alcohol is a pretty bad sign..it is unlikely that she will "pull it together" because she has not responded to any consequences..she's beyond "fun" and into "fun with problems" after that comes just "problems" in the spiral of this disease.
TJP and I have fairly similar circumstances and I sooo back up what she said..PAIN makes us change..when she causes you enough pain..you'll get down to alanon and do what they tell you..when she gets in enough pain, she will get help too.
There are ways you can stop making life comfy for her andlet her expeience what we call tTHE CONSEQUENCES OF HER ADDICTION..This is from a mom who had to let my daughter "wallow" in her addiction..on the streets, with really sleazy guys, she had to be hungry, dirty,broke,sick,tired, and not having any more fun before she chose to get into recovery..the really sad part about alcohol is that it can take YEARS avs. drug addicts who crash and burn sooner.
This is not her "fault" she is in the grips of something beyond her control..I stongly suggest alanon..it is what any reputable therapist/addiction specialist would reccomend..
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Old 03-17-2011, 06:00 PM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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I don't have a thing to add to what others have said here. I agree with them.

I encourage you to learn all you can about alcoholism. I encourage you to go to AL-anon and get some support for yourself. Yes, some kids drink in college. Your daughter is out of control. You really can't make her stop drinking but you can learn how to quit being a doormat and fight for your child.

Having said that, Please accept a big hug from me. I know that you are hurt, worried and terrified. I have an AH. My grown children are 32, 37 and 40. None of them are drinkers. The statistics are against them. That frightens me.
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Old 03-17-2011, 06:38 PM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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If you aren't ready to pull her out now, I suggest you inform her she has ONE semester to prove that she isn't there just to party. And if the results of the next semester reflect she is continuing to do that, she is done with school until she gets her act together. I would also insist that she obtain gainful employment for the summer, or if she claims she can't find a paying job in this economy that she get a full-time volunteer position. It doesn't sound like she needs to relax after her grueling study schedule.

Boundaries and consequences might at least get her attention. If she isn't an alcoholic, that may be all you need. If she IS an alcoholic, you have a much tougher, longer road ahead of you.
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Old 03-17-2011, 07:09 PM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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I don't where she gets her booze but she clearly always finds some.

This what me and her dad are thinking about doing. She has until the end of the schoolyear. If she parties too hard and gets caught and thrown out, she isn't coming home until she's been to rehab or AA. If her grades aren't up we stop paying her scholarships will probably cancel out and shell have to decide how bad she really wants to go back.

I think it's fair because were aren't quitting on her. She has a chance to turn herself around before we step on in. We see anything on facebook well turn a blind eye as long as she is preforminflg in class. It'll be hard I think this what we want to do.
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Old 03-18-2011, 12:04 AM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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I honestly believe if she figured out her crap and focused on her schooling she would easily be able to succeed there or at any school. I don't want to give up my little girl yet.

We are masters at projection thinking - living in the world of "If they did _______, it would be so great..."
Many of us live whole lives with alcoholics and we spent the majority of that time in our fantasy-possibility land and not in reality.

OF COURSE she could rock schooling! If she was ready to do that. Her behavior says that is not her priority.

I have to work hard, as a spouse to an alcoholic, to live in the now and today and look at, and deal appropriately with his current behaviors, rather than spend time fantasizing about how he *could* be.

Hugs,
peace
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Old 03-18-2011, 05:34 AM
  # 28 (permalink)  
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Most of the alcoholics I've known are people with a ton of potential. They aren't (or weren't) failures at life because they lacked intellingence, wit, and ability. They simply couldn't tap into it while the disease had them by the throat. The road to alcoholic hell is paved with wasted (in both senses of the word) potential.

Just a heads-up. If it turns out she IS an alcoholic, it won't be as simple as packing her off to a rehab or AA to get well. Alcoholism is very complicated, and the alcoholic only sees that you are getting in the way of what she wants to do and interfering in her life.

Please keep posting here, the support is awesome.
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Old 03-18-2011, 05:52 AM
  # 29 (permalink)  
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My son relapsed 1 week after a $30,000 stint in rehab -- one of the best in the country. Part of that, of course, is because he did not choose to go there, he was given the choice of rehab or homelessness. Rehab is great but its not a magical place.

Not one of us here have "given up" on our addicted loved ones. We just don't help to dig their graves anymore by enabling them. It's the hardest thing I've ever done in my life but it is working. I credit SR for getting me through it with my sanity intact.

You may have bigger problems than you realize and you are going to need support. SR is a wonderful place for that....even if you often don't like what you hear.

I pray that things work out for your family just the way you hope they will. I really do.
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Old 03-18-2011, 07:04 AM
  # 30 (permalink)  
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What is she doing for "spring brake"? this is the most "party" time of the year. As fun as she is when she's drunk, I don't see her staying home and reading a book.
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Old 03-18-2011, 08:43 AM
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If she is an alcoholic she will find a way to get booze. No matter what the consequences are. Also, alcohol is very cheap so one doesn't really need a job to get drunk.
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Old 03-18-2011, 02:39 PM
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My (then )17 year old relapsed 2 weeks outa quite fancy 30 grand a mo. Malibu rehab..until they are ready it won't work..but it did plant a seed..If it comes to rehab one piece of advice..forgo the fancy, pricey rehabs..they are no "better" than a no frills and in some cases, worse.
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Old 03-18-2011, 02:43 PM
  # 33 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by keepinon View Post
My (then )17 year old relapsed 2 weeks outa quite fancy 30 grand a mo. Malibu rehab..until they are ready it won't work..but it did plant a seed..If it comes to rehab one piece of advice..forgo the fancy, pricey rehabs..they are no "better" than a no frills and in some cases, worse.
When I was in rehab there were a lot of young people there and having a "ball", talking about their adventures of getting drunk and high, laughing and just having a good time, all at the expense of their parents.

What I noticed is that anyone who has not decided themselves they've had enough, they don't take it seriously and the train goes on.....
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Old 03-18-2011, 06:09 PM
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I'm a little worried about her spring break plans. But not terrified. Her break starts a week from today. After her suspension is over today. She goes back for a week then is off. Her and 2 friends are stopping here for two days another one of their houses for 2 Days then the 3 friends parents are taking them down to their beach house in fort lauderdale. The parents will be there the whole week so I can't imagine them doing anything too crazy. I've already talked to the girls mom it seems like she'll be in good hands
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Old 03-18-2011, 06:16 PM
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Wow.. she sure gets to do a lot of fun things for a kid who's screwing up big time. I doubt I'd be heading for Ft Lauderdale with that track record.

I understand the school is making her suffer consequences for her poor choices, but it sounds to me like a week or two off school ins't really causing her much pain.
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Old 03-18-2011, 09:31 PM
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I had to learn the hard way, too, Jazzman... all is just as it should be. We have to crawl before we can walk.
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Old 03-19-2011, 07:14 AM
  # 37 (permalink)  
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I second jazzman.
Nobody wants to be the bad guy, but she is getting a pretty big reward after being suspended from school.

Its almost like a high school student I knew who got a DUI, and then her parents let her go to prom the next weekend.

She and her date and friends got totally obliterated. Trashed their hotel.
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Old 03-19-2011, 02:07 PM
  # 38 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Sheneedshelp View Post
I'm a little worried about her spring break plans. But not terrified. Her break starts a week from today. After her suspension is over today. She goes back for a week then is off. Her and 2 friends are stopping here for two days another one of their houses for 2 Days then the 3 friends parents are taking them down to their beach house in fort lauderdale. The parents will be there the whole week so I can't imagine them doing anything too crazy. I've already talked to the girls mom it seems like she'll be in good hands
Spring Brake+Florida=Uncontrolled Partying. If she does not, and just hangs out with the 2 friends, it could be a sign that she's trying to take responsibility of her actions.

We'll see the results when she comes back.

If I was you, I'd make a hard decision from that point on depending on what choices she makes.
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Old 03-19-2011, 09:28 PM
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I don't have anything new or better to add - everyone here has already said everything so well...just wanted to add my hello and welcome to SR. And don't hesitate to check out Al-Anon or other support groups aside from this forum. Sounds like you could use it...my heart goes out to you...I have a 17 yr old and I would be horrified.

Take good care of yourself.
~T
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Old 03-19-2011, 10:29 PM
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I'm letting her go, like people said she is an adult she can make adult choices, the other family is paying for most of it, and she is paying for everything else. She can go to Florida if she wants. But I'll be keeping an eye on her.
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