My wife is an alcoholic
 

After 1 DUI and many years of being left at home with the kids I came to the realization that my wife is an alcoholic. I guess the only reason I'm writing this is to get some things off my chest. I have been hiding all of this from my family. Her family. My kids. Everybody. Thats what a husband does right? Protects his wife. Forgives her, comforts her, tells her its OK. I took care of the fine. I took care of the supplemental insurance. IT WAS THAT DAMN COP ANYWAYS RIGHT!?!?!?!

Well guys and gals if this sounds famililiar you better get ready for a long bumpy ride.

It all started about 7-8 years ago. She worked night and got off at 11. Shed occasionally want to have a drink with the girls after work which was fine but that started turning into 3-4-5 nights a week. Well heck it's only 1 beer and she works hard why not unwind. I'm ok with that.

Sorry pc problems............I'm back

Present day here we are. I watched my wife make out with another man because she was so drunk she didn't even know what she was doing. I wanted to puke. It makes me sick when I think of it. Now the kids know everything. My hiding everything only made it worse and I'm still the controlling arshole to her and her friends. Go figure.

Therapy starts tomorrow we'll see if it helps. I cant believe that after 21 years of being together I'm ready to walk. I feel totally betrayed and I am so hurt and angry I can barely hold back the tears.

After all this time though my brilliant beautifull 17 year old daughter told her mom, my wife, how she is affecting her and hurting her and her sister. This was tragic but I learned after all these years that I wasn't the big jerk I was portrayed as. It sounds a bit whiny but I was/am the victim after all NOT the cause. I'm more at peace than I have been in a long long time in that respect. I was just pissed off at the world for so long and now I know why. It wasn't because I'm just a jerk. It was because my wife is a drunk who never ever comes home.

So after the blowout I kicked her out. My daughter gave her a peice of her mind and I made her leave. She called the next day later in the afternoon wanting to come home and i said no, not unless she asks the girls and lets them tell her how her drinking is affecting them. Iwas ready to go see a lawyer and change the locks. Just thinking of it still makes me sick. Anyways she agrees and the girls stayed calm but really let it all out. I'm hoping and praying that this helps. That now she knows that I'm not the only one who shes hurting. After all I'm just a big dumb grouchy aweful man. But the girls? Those sweet girls? She's hurting them too? Thats got to sting..................I hope.

Here we are 4 days later and things are positive with no drinking. Happy ending? Not quite. The Doctor said that this is completely normal and she'll be an angel for a month or so. This is the part that scares me. Do i have to worry for the rest of my life? I'm not ready for that!! I dont want to worry if my wife is going to start her old habits again. I want to live and enjoy my life and my kids. Frankly at this point i dont care if my wife is even part of that. I'm sick and tired of saying "I'm sorry". I'm sick and tired of apologizing for being controlling when in all actuality I was being an enabler. I'm sick and tired of playing by the rules day in and day out only to worry all night and all weekend. I'm sick and tired of being alone. I'm tired of protecting a woman who hates me. I'M SICK AND TIRED OF SEEING EMPTY BEER CANS STASHED EVERYWHERE!!!!!!!!

And to think I actually married a woman who didn't really drink when we met. What did I do to deserve this? I'm 43 so basically I'm half done and theres a very good chance I've wasted my entire adult life only to have it yanked away from me by a drunk.

If my anger offends I'm sorry but I would assume people on this site know exactly what I'm talking about.

I'm sorry you and your girls are going through this. Alcohol destroys families. I wish you the best and hopefully your wife will get a handle on her priorities.

there are alot of stickys to read...and for you please find AL ANON, it will help..trust me

one thing to always remember:
The 3 C's
you did not cause this
you can not control it
and there is not cure for it

once you see this...everything SLOWLY at your pace, comes together...go into my blogs i have alot of slogans there to read, and what they mean....

god bless
she needs to change HERSELF by herself...you cant do that...this will be here willing
but you can...in AL ANON...

I lived with an alcoholic so I completely understand your anger. What helped me tremendously was this forum and going to my local AlAnon meeting.

Welcome to SR! You'll find a lot of support here. We have several men here whose wives are alcoholic. I'm sure some of them will be along to give you their experiences, strength and hope. I'm sorry you and your daughters are dealing with this, but there is no rule that says you have to allow her to stay if she starts in drinking again, which she probably will, sooner rather than later. It doesn't sound like she participates in AA or any other program for face-to-face support, so it's hard to know if she is serious about quitting. It sounds to me like she also has other issues that should be dealt with besides the drinking.

Again, welcome to SR! :grouphug:

Were starting counseling tomorrow.

What type of counseling?

Guess i dont know the terminology. He specializes in families dealing with substance abuse. I graduated from High School with a gal who became a psychologist. She refered him.

Hey there,

I can relate to where you are at my friend. Similar situation, similar age, similar girls ages.

Yeah you've a lot of anger and that's normal. Find a way to get it out (away from people!)

You may have a long road to travel and things may get worse before they get better, but they can. The most impossible mess, even though it looks, "done", as you put it can work out.

It took a long time for my wife to find her "rock bottom" and I played the starring role in preventing her from finding it for a very long time. If you've done your reading you will know that just picking an argument with an alcoholic and any type of controlling in anyway "enables". Any type of pushing, bossing. I got my eldest daughter to 'tell' her mother about herself: the desperate acts of a loving spouse!

My wife went through 2 and half treatment centres and still didn't find bottom. When I finally moved out and lost all interest in controlling her life, she shocked me and got her stuff together, and that 's what it took. (at least for now, and its one day at a time).

Stay strong, sounds like you are, and keep posting!

Reef

1.Do you worry about how much someone else drinks?
2.Do you have money problems because of someone else's drinking?

3.Do you tell lies to cover up for someone else's drinking?
4.Do you feel that if the drinker loved you, he or she would stop drinking, to please you?

5.Do you blame the drinker's behavior on his or her companions?
6.Are plans frequently upset, or cancelled, or meals delayed because of the drinker?
7.Do you make threats, such as, "If you don't stop drinking, I'll leave you"?
8.Do you secretly try to smell the drinker's breath?

9.Are you afraid to upset someone for fear it will set off a drinking bout?
10.Have you been hurt or embarrassed by a drinker's behavior?
11.Are holidays and gatherings spoiled because of drinking?
12.Have you considered calling the police for help in fear of abuse?

13.Do you search for hidden alcohol?
14.Do you often ride in a car with a driver who has been drinking?

15.Have you refused social invitations out of fear or anxiety?
16.Do you sometimes feel like a failure when you think of the lengths you have gone to control the drinker?
17.Do you think that, if the drinker stopped drinking, your other problems would be solved?
18.Do you ever threaten to hurt yourself to scare the drinker?

19.Do you feel angry, confused or depressed most of the time?
20.Do you feel there is no one who understands your problems?
If you have answered 'yes' to three or more of these questions, Al-Anon or Alateen may help.


Wow that was an eye opener.

Welcome to SR, here you will find a lot of people that are/have been in your shoes. Here's a good sticky from the "best of" section I like to share with newcomers. I followed each suggestion as if my sanity depended on it. I hope it helps you as much as it did me. Keep posting!

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post2051022

Welcome to SR - we are here to support you through this extremely emotional and difficult time.

Everyone is different of course, and I hope your wife is different than my ex-husband, that is for sure. What was (and still is) so heartbreaking for us is that my ex has totalled a car, lost his wife (me) and has alienated his 17 yr old daughter all because he is in denial that his drinking is "the" problem. It's hard for me to believe that he can't see it when we've all been saying the same thing for 25 years. He blames everyone and everything else, but he still to this day denies he has a drinking problem. His own daughter, the light of his life, hasn't spoken to him in 6 months because she is DONE....and guess who he blames? Me! Of course!

My point is to not be surprised if even the pleading of your children is inadequate motivation for her to quit. Don't waste too much more time trying to make her better. Focus your energy on being the best dad in the world and protecting those girls from the chaos of alcoholism and addiction. Please get them to Alateen or in counseling if at all possible.

(((Hugs))) Let us know how you're doing.

Everyone here understands why you are angry.

I was married for over 20 years before my husband began heavy drinking.

I almost left him 15 years ago. I regret that I did not. He won me over with crocodile tears and he was so depressed. (Hello!) I din't know then what I know now. I was about your age then.

Learn everything you can about alcoholism. The more you understand the less crazy you have to be.

welcome to this site, jumpchump.

you know what? you are NOT a chump. you are a caring, devoted and stand-up kinda guy...they way you feel a husband is supposed to be.

as to your query about worrying for the rest of your life....if your wife truly chooses sobriety, and recovery from what ails her, you will see a different person. really. then you'll know.
and if that happens and she begins to turn back into that other one....you'll know that as well.

you both have work to do.
we're here to support YOU.

Welcome jump. Go to Alanon. Your life hasn't been wasted, you have kids, right? You have a bumpy road ahead of you, but guess what, you're the driver.

Wow,
That stings a lot. I am in a similar situation, but without kids. I felt lots of pain, anger, & fear. Pain for the alcoholic, anger at playing the fool, & fear that, I too ,had wasted my life. Al-Anon helped take my focus off the alcoholic that I couldn't help & put my energy into someone that I could help-ME.
I've been active in my program for about 7 months and my life & perspective are totally different. I hope that you find the same peace, love, & friendship that I've come to know.
Hang in there-It's a rough road, but it gets better-you'll see.

My name refers to an army term for someone who did the required 5 jumps to graduate jump school but got assigned to a non airborne unit. LOL. Couldn't think of a name so thats the one I came up with.

Now that I think about it I do feel a bit like one but thanks for your and every bodys kind words.

I'm not much of a handholder especially with strangers but I am going to look at Al-Anon.

Cant sleep tonight. The anger phase hit me hard after my 1st post. The more i realize that I am the real victim the more angry I become. Dont worry, not a violent type. I just need an outlet.

5JumpChump,
I havent heard that term in ages, it actually made me smile. ;)
Are you active duty now?

don't think of them as a bunch of handholders then.
they are comrades in arms fighting the same losing battle you are.
the only victory can be found in recovery for you and your daughter.

beth
(army veteran, active duty spouse and dependent before the word became non PC.)

I grew up in a alcoholic home. The effects on the family are often minimised and hidden until such times as the drinking and behaviours become chronic and impossible to hide. My father blames himself for my mothers alcoholism. What he doesn't realise yet is that by taking responsibilty for her drinking; she continues to manipulate, do bad behaviour and take absolutely no resposibility for the lies, damage and heartache that her drinking has caused and continues to cause herself and the family. As hard as it is to do somewhere amongst all the chaos and heartache us loved ones have to draw the line, create boundaries and let the alcoholic take responsibility for their drinking.

I wish you happiness and peace. As a recovering alcoholic myself, I wish your wife the same.

"All aboard !!!!!! ha,ha,ha," (Ozzy ref) the Crazy Train we call alcoholism.

"Charlie stole the handle and the train won't stop going-no way to slow down" (Tull ref)

We are just passengers of this train wreck. We don't have to be, but most of us choose to.

Your situation is a carbon copy of mine to the "T" almost. I still get angy at times. Its getting better the more I understand. I got a long way to go till I know really how to take care of myself, so I can jump off this train !

Whats helping me is seeking more knowledge. This board is a great help.

Take care of yourself and the rest will follow.

Again, Welcome Aboard.

I would really advise Al-Ateen for your girls. They're going to need a face to face outlet to get support from someone outside the family.

You've already gotten the 3 C's of addiction, so let me post this:
Actions speak louder than words.

You probably already know this seeing as you're sick of the "I'm sorry's" your wife utters. Words mean jack sh*t (said with the conviction of someone who was married to an abusive alcoholic). If you want to know what's really going on, look at actions.

Also, I would advise you to start thinking about your boundaries. What behaviour will you tolerate in your marriage and what makes you put your foot down? Once you figure that out, it's time to enforce your boundaries.

I hope you stick around and post lots. SR is always open!

jumpchump.
Don't worry about the handholding. There's a few of us brutes running around here. I'm one of them. Airborne or not, I'll slap you around. :)

Anyway. My wife is an Alcoholic. I have a young son. I can tell that you're a pretty straight forward person so here's a few initial thoughts based on your story.

It's okay to be angry. It's okay to cry. You probably already know that you've forgotten how to do things for yourself. I don't mean clean your clothes or make dinners. I mean fun things. things you used to love to do.

That is your outlet. Start remembering the stuff you used to enjoy and try to do them again. I promise you, the fog and the anger will start to lift. You'll feel really strong. I no longer believe in being a victim to my wife's issues. That's her stuff to deal with. Me? I'll be out doing my own thing and I won't feel like a victim anymore.

I go to a therapist to help me deal with my anger and sadness and she's great at helping me do my own recovery. So you may not be the person drinking, but you have been affected and you'll need to start working on your own recovery. I'm saying this because frankly, I've told my wife that i won't be attending therapy with her until she gets herself squared away. Otherwise it's a waste of my time and my money. I'd rather spend that on me and my kid.

Keep posting and keep reading. We're here and we definitely get you.

This is not a place where any of us would be offended by your anger, LOL...

This is a place where you may be shocked by the similar experiences, heck, even actual EXACT words we exchange with our respective As.

It is a tough life, and I am sorry that she betrayed you. That had to hurt.
You will find a lot of similar stories, here.

One thing I will say, is that she may not be able to abstain from drinking, especially if she is doing it to keep you or your daughters happy. I know that sounds awful, but it is a sad truth of addiction. They have to come to a place of wanting to change on their own.
Maybe being caught making out with another man during a black out is her bottom, but she will most likely need an addiction counselor, or some AA time to keep on track.

And once again, none of that will matter, if she is not ready.
Even readiness to be sober comes in degrees.

My RAH was a terrible cheater, a drunk...for 12 years.It wasnt always that bad, it progressed. When we met he was just another guy who liked beer.... We have a 6 year old.
My RAH hit A bottom, put himself into rehab, came out raring to go into a life of sobriety, but his commitment to stay "physically sober" did not include doing all the emotional, spiritual, and mental work needed to stay that way, and to lead a full, healthy life.

He lived with us for 4 months, before he had to go, and he is still physically sober, but he has not changed much else. Untreated, not working any program, no therapy. He is a beset, put upon, persecuted man, addicted now to being a victim of real life.

So its a long road no matter what.
BUt you are heading in the right direction for you and for your kids.
We, as family of alcoholics ALSO have to hit a bottom, and it sounds like you are getting close to, if not already have hit yours.

Keep posting and Welcome!

I think that yes is the answer to that last question. If I had a dollar for everytime my H was a saint for a few days or week or two after each alleged "bottom" I would be very rich!

I feel EXACTLY the same way and left my H about a week ago bc among many other reasons I got tired of waking up each day not looking fwd to what it would bring and spending all my time hoping that tomorrow would be better and when I wasn't worrying about tomorrow I was worrying about what lies he was keeping, how much he was drinking etc... No way to live.
[QUOTE]
I couldn't say it better myself...

I think we are married to the same person. Maybe you married my H's long lost sister?!

I think that I am in the same anger boat with you. I am 39 and feel like I've wasted the best years of my young adult and now heading into middle age life just waiting for things to improve, being lied to and hoping. I am very angry at my H for this but when I think long and hard I realize that I am the one who chose to stay and so ultimately it is myself I am most angry at.

YUP!

Keep posting-- coming here has helped me enormously in the past few weeks...

The session went well. She admitted she's in trouble and needs help. I'm very happy but guarded and cautious. I'm surprised she admitted it. The Dr. recommended a few different types of treatment. I'm new to this stuff so forgive me for my lack of terminology. We are doing a family therapy program because essentially the allure of the friends and alcohol was because something is missing at home. I agree with that. You know, lack of communication, I get angry, friends make her happy, then the drinking starts. Over the years it builds and gets worse. Anyways this is geared towards recovery for both of us not just her. Makes sense to me. I'll keep posting every now and again with updates. Sure wish I could see into the future. The good news is that she is not completely out of control and saturdays episode did scare the crap out of her. She drinks too much for sure but she not at the point where shes blotto every day. The anger though is always there for both of us. Were hoping that getting rid of the anger is the step we need to figure stuff out.

I wish you the best of luck. I know there are many here who've made improvements and they work on it every day.

Please be aware of the seductive moments of progress. My AW is a master manipulator. She would do things for a short while to show she's trying and then it's back to the bottle, the fights, the passing out, the verbal assaults. It's a nasty cycle. Each time it rotates you've lost a bit more of yourself and you'll keep accepting less normalcy than the day before.

I realize it's a dark ending to my response to you. You sound happy. I've just been there, done that and still paying the price for it every day. Hell, my wife was drinking again last night. You'll find all my posts are a little darker today.

It ain't about me though. Again, I know people can change so long as they work some sort of recovery program.

5JumpChump... I feel for you! I have an alcoholic BF (newly recovering ~ 1 month)...but on his own, no program. I have hit bottom in this relationship a few times and left...but I keep coming back. I feel like I am the one relapsing. I keep hoping that he will stay clean, and return to the sweet, caring man I first met many years ago. However, I am afraid that the alcohol has destroyed that man and I may never see that side of him again.