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-   -   My wife is an alcoholic (https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/222428-my-wife-alcoholic.html)

5JumpChump 03-16-2011 03:45 PM

My wife is an alcoholic
 
After 1 DUI and many years of being left at home with the kids I came to the realization that my wife is an alcoholic. I guess the only reason I'm writing this is to get some things off my chest. I have been hiding all of this from my family. Her family. My kids. Everybody. Thats what a husband does right? Protects his wife. Forgives her, comforts her, tells her its OK. I took care of the fine. I took care of the supplemental insurance. IT WAS THAT DAMN COP ANYWAYS RIGHT!?!?!?!

Well guys and gals if this sounds famililiar you better get ready for a long bumpy ride.

It all started about 7-8 years ago. She worked night and got off at 11. Shed occasionally want to have a drink with the girls after work which was fine but that started turning into 3-4-5 nights a week. Well heck it's only 1 beer and she works hard why not unwind. I'm ok with that.

5JumpChump 03-16-2011 04:36 PM

Sorry pc problems............I'm back

Present day here we are. I watched my wife make out with another man because she was so drunk she didn't even know what she was doing. I wanted to puke. It makes me sick when I think of it. Now the kids know everything. My hiding everything only made it worse and I'm still the controlling arshole to her and her friends. Go figure.

Therapy starts tomorrow we'll see if it helps. I cant believe that after 21 years of being together I'm ready to walk. I feel totally betrayed and I am so hurt and angry I can barely hold back the tears.

After all this time though my brilliant beautifull 17 year old daughter told her mom, my wife, how she is affecting her and hurting her and her sister. This was tragic but I learned after all these years that I wasn't the big jerk I was portrayed as. It sounds a bit whiny but I was/am the victim after all NOT the cause. I'm more at peace than I have been in a long long time in that respect. I was just pissed off at the world for so long and now I know why. It wasn't because I'm just a jerk. It was because my wife is a drunk who never ever comes home.

So after the blowout I kicked her out. My daughter gave her a peice of her mind and I made her leave. She called the next day later in the afternoon wanting to come home and i said no, not unless she asks the girls and lets them tell her how her drinking is affecting them. Iwas ready to go see a lawyer and change the locks. Just thinking of it still makes me sick. Anyways she agrees and the girls stayed calm but really let it all out. I'm hoping and praying that this helps. That now she knows that I'm not the only one who shes hurting. After all I'm just a big dumb grouchy aweful man. But the girls? Those sweet girls? She's hurting them too? Thats got to sting..................I hope.

5JumpChump 03-16-2011 04:58 PM

Here we are 4 days later and things are positive with no drinking. Happy ending? Not quite. The Doctor said that this is completely normal and she'll be an angel for a month or so. This is the part that scares me. Do i have to worry for the rest of my life? I'm not ready for that!! I dont want to worry if my wife is going to start her old habits again. I want to live and enjoy my life and my kids. Frankly at this point i dont care if my wife is even part of that. I'm sick and tired of saying "I'm sorry". I'm sick and tired of apologizing for being controlling when in all actuality I was being an enabler. I'm sick and tired of playing by the rules day in and day out only to worry all night and all weekend. I'm sick and tired of being alone. I'm tired of protecting a woman who hates me. I'M SICK AND TIRED OF SEEING EMPTY BEER CANS STASHED EVERYWHERE!!!!!!!!

And to think I actually married a woman who didn't really drink when we met. What did I do to deserve this? I'm 43 so basically I'm half done and theres a very good chance I've wasted my entire adult life only to have it yanked away from me by a drunk.

If my anger offends I'm sorry but I would assume people on this site know exactly what I'm talking about.

LosingmyMisery 03-16-2011 05:00 PM

I'm sorry you and your girls are going through this. Alcohol destroys families. I wish you the best and hopefully your wife will get a handle on her priorities.

fourmaggie 03-16-2011 05:01 PM

there are alot of stickys to read...and for you please find AL ANON, it will help..trust me

one thing to always remember:
The 3 C's
you did not cause this
you can not control it
and there is not cure for it

once you see this...everything SLOWLY at your pace, comes together...go into my blogs i have alot of slogans there to read, and what they mean....

god bless
she needs to change HERSELF by herself...you cant do that...this will be here willing
but you can...in AL ANON...

RollTide 03-16-2011 05:05 PM

I lived with an alcoholic so I completely understand your anger. What helped me tremendously was this forum and going to my local AlAnon meeting.

suki44883 03-16-2011 05:07 PM

Welcome to SR! You'll find a lot of support here. We have several men here whose wives are alcoholic. I'm sure some of them will be along to give you their experiences, strength and hope. I'm sorry you and your daughters are dealing with this, but there is no rule that says you have to allow her to stay if she starts in drinking again, which she probably will, sooner rather than later. It doesn't sound like she participates in AA or any other program for face-to-face support, so it's hard to know if she is serious about quitting. It sounds to me like she also has other issues that should be dealt with besides the drinking.

Again, welcome to SR! :grouphug:

5JumpChump 03-16-2011 05:31 PM

Were starting counseling tomorrow.

suki44883 03-16-2011 05:37 PM

What type of counseling?

5JumpChump 03-16-2011 05:43 PM

Guess i dont know the terminology. He specializes in families dealing with substance abuse. I graduated from High School with a gal who became a psychologist. She refered him.

reefbreakbda 03-16-2011 05:45 PM

Hey there,

I can relate to where you are at my friend. Similar situation, similar age, similar girls ages.

Yeah you've a lot of anger and that's normal. Find a way to get it out (away from people!)

You may have a long road to travel and things may get worse before they get better, but they can. The most impossible mess, even though it looks, "done", as you put it can work out.

It took a long time for my wife to find her "rock bottom" and I played the starring role in preventing her from finding it for a very long time. If you've done your reading you will know that just picking an argument with an alcoholic and any type of controlling in anyway "enables". Any type of pushing, bossing. I got my eldest daughter to 'tell' her mother about herself: the desperate acts of a loving spouse!

My wife went through 2 and half treatment centres and still didn't find bottom. When I finally moved out and lost all interest in controlling her life, she shocked me and got her stuff together, and that 's what it took. (at least for now, and its one day at a time).

Stay strong, sounds like you are, and keep posting!

Reef

5JumpChump 03-16-2011 05:51 PM

1.Do you worry about how much someone else drinks?
2.Do you have money problems because of someone else's drinking?

3.Do you tell lies to cover up for someone else's drinking?
4.Do you feel that if the drinker loved you, he or she would stop drinking, to please you?

5.Do you blame the drinker's behavior on his or her companions?
6.Are plans frequently upset, or cancelled, or meals delayed because of the drinker?
7.Do you make threats, such as, "If you don't stop drinking, I'll leave you"?
8.Do you secretly try to smell the drinker's breath?

9.Are you afraid to upset someone for fear it will set off a drinking bout?
10.Have you been hurt or embarrassed by a drinker's behavior?
11.Are holidays and gatherings spoiled because of drinking?
12.Have you considered calling the police for help in fear of abuse?

13.Do you search for hidden alcohol?
14.Do you often ride in a car with a driver who has been drinking?

15.Have you refused social invitations out of fear or anxiety?
16.Do you sometimes feel like a failure when you think of the lengths you have gone to control the drinker?
17.Do you think that, if the drinker stopped drinking, your other problems would be solved?
18.Do you ever threaten to hurt yourself to scare the drinker?

19.Do you feel angry, confused or depressed most of the time?
20.Do you feel there is no one who understands your problems?
If you have answered 'yes' to three or more of these questions, Al-Anon or Alateen may help.


Wow that was an eye opener.

Jazzman 03-16-2011 06:25 PM

Welcome to SR, here you will find a lot of people that are/have been in your shoes. Here's a good sticky from the "best of" section I like to share with newcomers. I followed each suggestion as if my sanity depended on it. I hope it helps you as much as it did me. Keep posting!

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post2051022

tjp613 03-16-2011 07:54 PM

Welcome to SR - we are here to support you through this extremely emotional and difficult time.

Everyone is different of course, and I hope your wife is different than my ex-husband, that is for sure. What was (and still is) so heartbreaking for us is that my ex has totalled a car, lost his wife (me) and has alienated his 17 yr old daughter all because he is in denial that his drinking is "the" problem. It's hard for me to believe that he can't see it when we've all been saying the same thing for 25 years. He blames everyone and everything else, but he still to this day denies he has a drinking problem. His own daughter, the light of his life, hasn't spoken to him in 6 months because she is DONE....and guess who he blames? Me! Of course!

My point is to not be surprised if even the pleading of your children is inadequate motivation for her to quit. Don't waste too much more time trying to make her better. Focus your energy on being the best dad in the world and protecting those girls from the chaos of alcoholism and addiction. Please get them to Alateen or in counseling if at all possible.

(((Hugs))) Let us know how you're doing.

Verbena 03-16-2011 08:16 PM

Everyone here understands why you are angry.

I was married for over 20 years before my husband began heavy drinking.

I almost left him 15 years ago. I regret that I did not. He won me over with crocodile tears and he was so depressed. (Hello!) I din't know then what I know now. I was about your age then.

Learn everything you can about alcoholism. The more you understand the less crazy you have to be.

coffeedrinker 03-16-2011 08:21 PM

welcome to this site, jumpchump.

you know what? you are NOT a chump. you are a caring, devoted and stand-up kinda guy...they way you feel a husband is supposed to be.

as to your query about worrying for the rest of your life....if your wife truly chooses sobriety, and recovery from what ails her, you will see a different person. really. then you'll know.
and if that happens and she begins to turn back into that other one....you'll know that as well.

you both have work to do.
we're here to support YOU.

grateful101010 03-16-2011 09:47 PM

Welcome jump. Go to Alanon. Your life hasn't been wasted, you have kids, right? You have a bumpy road ahead of you, but guess what, you're the driver.

Sean718 03-17-2011 01:03 AM

Wow,
That stings a lot. I am in a similar situation, but without kids. I felt lots of pain, anger, & fear. Pain for the alcoholic, anger at playing the fool, & fear that, I too ,had wasted my life. Al-Anon helped take my focus off the alcoholic that I couldn't help & put my energy into someone that I could help-ME.
I've been active in my program for about 7 months and my life & perspective are totally different. I hope that you find the same peace, love, & friendship that I've come to know.
Hang in there-It's a rough road, but it gets better-you'll see.

5JumpChump 03-17-2011 02:20 AM


Originally Posted by coffeedrinker (Post 2900604)
welcome to this site, jumpchump.

you know what? you are NOT a chump. .

My name refers to an army term for someone who did the required 5 jumps to graduate jump school but got assigned to a non airborne unit. LOL. Couldn't think of a name so thats the one I came up with.

Now that I think about it I do feel a bit like one but thanks for your and every bodys kind words.

I'm not much of a handholder especially with strangers but I am going to look at Al-Anon.

Cant sleep tonight. The anger phase hit me hard after my 1st post. The more i realize that I am the real victim the more angry I become. Dont worry, not a violent type. I just need an outlet.

wicked 03-17-2011 03:10 AM

5JumpChump,
I havent heard that term in ages, it actually made me smile. ;)
Are you active duty now?


I'm not much of a handholder especially with strangers but I am going to look at Al-Anon.
don't think of them as a bunch of handholders then.
they are comrades in arms fighting the same losing battle you are.
the only victory can be found in recovery for you and your daughter.

beth
(army veteran, active duty spouse and dependent before the word became non PC.)


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