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My wife is an alcoholic

Old 03-17-2011, 03:47 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Red face

I grew up in a alcoholic home. The effects on the family are often minimised and hidden until such times as the drinking and behaviours become chronic and impossible to hide. My father blames himself for my mothers alcoholism. What he doesn't realise yet is that by taking responsibilty for her drinking; she continues to manipulate, do bad behaviour and take absolutely no resposibility for the lies, damage and heartache that her drinking has caused and continues to cause herself and the family. As hard as it is to do somewhere amongst all the chaos and heartache us loved ones have to draw the line, create boundaries and let the alcoholic take responsibility for their drinking.

I wish you happiness and peace. As a recovering alcoholic myself, I wish your wife the same.
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Old 03-17-2011, 04:31 AM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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"All aboard !!!!!! ha,ha,ha," (Ozzy ref) the Crazy Train we call alcoholism.

"Charlie stole the handle and the train won't stop going-no way to slow down" (Tull ref)

We are just passengers of this train wreck. We don't have to be, but most of us choose to.

Your situation is a carbon copy of mine to the "T" almost. I still get angy at times. Its getting better the more I understand. I got a long way to go till I know really how to take care of myself, so I can jump off this train !

Whats helping me is seeking more knowledge. This board is a great help.

Take care of yourself and the rest will follow.

Again, Welcome Aboard.
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Old 03-17-2011, 08:17 AM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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I would really advise Al-Ateen for your girls. They're going to need a face to face outlet to get support from someone outside the family.

You've already gotten the 3 C's of addiction, so let me post this:
Actions speak louder than words.

You probably already know this seeing as you're sick of the "I'm sorry's" your wife utters. Words mean jack sh*t (said with the conviction of someone who was married to an abusive alcoholic). If you want to know what's really going on, look at actions.

Also, I would advise you to start thinking about your boundaries. What behaviour will you tolerate in your marriage and what makes you put your foot down? Once you figure that out, it's time to enforce your boundaries.

I hope you stick around and post lots. SR is always open!
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Old 03-17-2011, 08:33 AM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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jumpchump.
Don't worry about the handholding. There's a few of us brutes running around here. I'm one of them. Airborne or not, I'll slap you around.

Anyway. My wife is an Alcoholic. I have a young son. I can tell that you're a pretty straight forward person so here's a few initial thoughts based on your story.

It's okay to be angry. It's okay to cry. You probably already know that you've forgotten how to do things for yourself. I don't mean clean your clothes or make dinners. I mean fun things. things you used to love to do.

That is your outlet. Start remembering the stuff you used to enjoy and try to do them again. I promise you, the fog and the anger will start to lift. You'll feel really strong. I no longer believe in being a victim to my wife's issues. That's her stuff to deal with. Me? I'll be out doing my own thing and I won't feel like a victim anymore.

I go to a therapist to help me deal with my anger and sadness and she's great at helping me do my own recovery. So you may not be the person drinking, but you have been affected and you'll need to start working on your own recovery. I'm saying this because frankly, I've told my wife that i won't be attending therapy with her until she gets herself squared away. Otherwise it's a waste of my time and my money. I'd rather spend that on me and my kid.

Keep posting and keep reading. We're here and we definitely get you.
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Old 03-17-2011, 08:49 AM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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This is not a place where any of us would be offended by your anger, LOL...

This is a place where you may be shocked by the similar experiences, heck, even actual EXACT words we exchange with our respective As.

It is a tough life, and I am sorry that she betrayed you. That had to hurt.
You will find a lot of similar stories, here.

One thing I will say, is that she may not be able to abstain from drinking, especially if she is doing it to keep you or your daughters happy. I know that sounds awful, but it is a sad truth of addiction. They have to come to a place of wanting to change on their own.
Maybe being caught making out with another man during a black out is her bottom, but she will most likely need an addiction counselor, or some AA time to keep on track.

And once again, none of that will matter, if she is not ready.
Even readiness to be sober comes in degrees.

My RAH was a terrible cheater, a drunk...for 12 years.It wasnt always that bad, it progressed. When we met he was just another guy who liked beer.... We have a 6 year old.
My RAH hit A bottom, put himself into rehab, came out raring to go into a life of sobriety, but his commitment to stay "physically sober" did not include doing all the emotional, spiritual, and mental work needed to stay that way, and to lead a full, healthy life.

He lived with us for 4 months, before he had to go, and he is still physically sober, but he has not changed much else. Untreated, not working any program, no therapy. He is a beset, put upon, persecuted man, addicted now to being a victim of real life.

So its a long road no matter what.
BUt you are heading in the right direction for you and for your kids.
We, as family of alcoholics ALSO have to hit a bottom, and it sounds like you are getting close to, if not already have hit yours.

Keep posting and Welcome!
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Old 03-17-2011, 10:04 AM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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Here we are 4 days later and things are positive with no drinking. Happy ending? Not quite. The Doctor said that this is completely normal and she'll be an angel for a month or so. This is the part that scares me. Do i have to worry for the rest of my life?
I think that yes is the answer to that last question. If I had a dollar for everytime my H was a saint for a few days or week or two after each alleged "bottom" I would be very rich!

I'm not ready for that!! I dont want to worry if my wife is going to start her old habits again. I want to live and enjoy my life and my kids.
I feel EXACTLY the same way and left my H about a week ago bc among many other reasons I got tired of waking up each day not looking fwd to what it would bring and spending all my time hoping that tomorrow would be better and when I wasn't worrying about tomorrow I was worrying about what lies he was keeping, how much he was drinking etc... No way to live.
[QUOTE]
I'm sick and tired of saying "I'm sorry". I'm sick and tired of apologizing for being controlling when in all actuality I was being an enabler. I'm sick and tired of playing by the rules day in and day out only to worry all night and all weekend.
I couldn't say it better myself...

I'm sick and tired of being alone. I'm tired of protecting a woman who hates me. I'M SICK AND TIRED OF SEEING EMPTY BEER CANS STASHED EVERYWHERE!!!!!!!!
I think we are married to the same person. Maybe you married my H's long lost sister?!

I'm 43 so basically I'm half done and theres a very good chance I've wasted my entire adult life only to have it yanked away from me by a drunk.
I think that I am in the same anger boat with you. I am 39 and feel like I've wasted the best years of my young adult and now heading into middle age life just waiting for things to improve, being lied to and hoping. I am very angry at my H for this but when I think long and hard I realize that I am the one who chose to stay and so ultimately it is myself I am most angry at.

I would assume people on this site know exactly what I'm talking about.
YUP!

Keep posting-- coming here has helped me enormously in the past few weeks...
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Old 03-18-2011, 06:48 AM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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The session went well. She admitted she's in trouble and needs help. I'm very happy but guarded and cautious. I'm surprised she admitted it. The Dr. recommended a few different types of treatment. I'm new to this stuff so forgive me for my lack of terminology. We are doing a family therapy program because essentially the allure of the friends and alcohol was because something is missing at home. I agree with that. You know, lack of communication, I get angry, friends make her happy, then the drinking starts. Over the years it builds and gets worse. Anyways this is geared towards recovery for both of us not just her. Makes sense to me. I'll keep posting every now and again with updates. Sure wish I could see into the future. The good news is that she is not completely out of control and saturdays episode did scare the crap out of her. She drinks too much for sure but she not at the point where shes blotto every day. The anger though is always there for both of us. Were hoping that getting rid of the anger is the step we need to figure stuff out.
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Old 03-18-2011, 08:50 AM
  # 28 (permalink)  
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I wish you the best of luck. I know there are many here who've made improvements and they work on it every day.

Please be aware of the seductive moments of progress. My AW is a master manipulator. She would do things for a short while to show she's trying and then it's back to the bottle, the fights, the passing out, the verbal assaults. It's a nasty cycle. Each time it rotates you've lost a bit more of yourself and you'll keep accepting less normalcy than the day before.

I realize it's a dark ending to my response to you. You sound happy. I've just been there, done that and still paying the price for it every day. Hell, my wife was drinking again last night. You'll find all my posts are a little darker today.

It ain't about me though. Again, I know people can change so long as they work some sort of recovery program.
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Old 03-18-2011, 07:30 PM
  # 29 (permalink)  
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5JumpChump... I feel for you! I have an alcoholic BF (newly recovering ~ 1 month)...but on his own, no program. I have hit bottom in this relationship a few times and left...but I keep coming back. I feel like I am the one relapsing. I keep hoping that he will stay clean, and return to the sweet, caring man I first met many years ago. However, I am afraid that the alcohol has destroyed that man and I may never see that side of him again.
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