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struggling today

Old 03-16-2011, 07:40 AM
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struggling today

Hi everyone. This is my first post. I read here alot, but usually call someone when I need to talk and vent. Thought I would give it a shot. This has been an awful day. My husband was out partying last night, which I have accepted. That isn't the issue weighing on me today. It's the next morning. He is so mean. I know our relationship is over. He has made it perfectly clear he doesnt want to be with me. A month ago, he suddenly changed his mind and has been mean and rude ever since. I feel like I can't do anything right. He just picks and picks non stop. I do not fight with him. If he is so done with me, why does he do this? I don't bother him. We have a lease so I have to live here for another month. Where does his anger come from? I didn't do anything to him. We have been together 5 years. The last six months have been hell with him. He's a totally different man. I have been in alanon for the last few weeks. I don't argue and fight with him. I try to leave him alone and go on with my life. and most of the time he is fine too, except after he has been out partying. I don't understand why he is so mad at ME. I didn't do anything. This hurts...UGH
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Old 03-16-2011, 07:51 AM
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If it's only a matter of one month, you can start looking for other places to live now. That should keep you away from him for a while. If you are financially able, you could always move sooner if you find a place you like and just pay that last month of rent at your current place early or whatever. I'm sure the owners don't care if you are physically there as long as they get their money.

Sorry you are dealing with this, but welcome to SR! You will find a lot of support here.
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Old 03-16-2011, 08:01 AM
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Welcome!
Alanon will help you understand.
Alcoholism is a mind altering disease, and it is aso progressive, so he wont change unless he changes.
Right now, you are being hurt.
I suggest you focus on taking yourself out of the line of fire with as little fuss and fight as possible.

It is insanity, so asking "why?" is kind of futile.
There is no rhyme or reason to what addicts do or say, but I usually chalk it up to self loathing on their part.

Pleas keep reading and posting, and god bless
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Old 03-16-2011, 08:35 AM
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Okay....He just came out of the bedroom telling me that I need some mental help. He is the alcloholic, and I have mental issues. I responded to him that my mental issues are mine to deal with. UGH!!!! Now, he's out in the kitchen complaining that I bought English muffins at the grocery store. Wow. I need to get out of here.
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Old 03-16-2011, 08:38 AM
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Yeah, get out of there and go look at apartments. You deserve better than that jerk.
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Old 03-16-2011, 09:04 AM
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Great advice above!!!!

Also, he was out partying, now if he yells at you and blames you about everything, then he is taking the 'focus' off of his drunk partying, that is just what a lot of Alkies do.

I think that is an excellent idea to start apartment hunting for YOU!

What he is doing is called QUACKING.

Please keep reading around the forum. Also please keep posting and let us know how you are doing as we do care very much.

Love and hugs,
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Old 03-16-2011, 09:30 AM
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The best thing you can do is... Nothing.

Go about your business. Make your plans. Be happy.. I know you probably don't feel very happy right now.. but fake it to make it. Don't beg, don't plead, don't cry for him to be reasonable.. to listen and work it out.. he's probably not capable of doing this at the moment. Plus it only creates more llama drama.. and who needs that right?

Work on yourself. Take any effort you would put into him and the relationship and channel it into you (and your kid/s if you have any). Starting right now.. start taking care of yourself, pamper yourself.. love yourself the way you want to be loved.

Keep contact with your AH to a minimum.. this guy is just going to be a mood hoover. He sounds like a black hole sucking all of your self esteem. Don't give him the negative attention he craves: avoid fighting, blaming. If he brings up splitting/divorce, tell him you didn't want that (if indeed you don't/didn't) but you won't try and change HIS decision... and leave it at that.

Girl.. Go get your hair done, nails done (if you can afford to do so) give yourself facials, make yourself feel good about yourself.. again fake it to make it if you need to.. and then how good you feel will shine through. Careful when you get to this stage though.. seems its like honey to a bee to some As and he may try and hook you back in... now you're all gorgeous and healthy.

*hugs*

Tx
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Old 03-16-2011, 11:40 AM
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thank you all for the great advice. I went to the bookstore for a little while and feel better...somewhat. I have already started looking for somewhere to live. It probably would be best to just pay the money and cut my losses. I am now locked in the bathroom taking a bath. I walked in here and all my makeup and things were on the floor...I guess the counter was messy or something. This is the worst he has ever been. Shocking. My parents live about an hour away, so if this can't be a peaceful evening with each of us in our own corners, I will go there.

And yes, I have every intention of being happy. This is, by far, the stupidest thing I have ever experienced in my life. Wow......Again, thank you all
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Old 03-16-2011, 11:50 AM
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It's totally your decision, but I think I'd just pack up my stuff and go to my parents anyway. I wouldn't even tell him, I'd just be gone when he gets home. What a louse!
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Old 03-16-2011, 12:23 PM
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Originally Posted by suki44883 View Post
It's totally your decision, but I think I'd just pack up my stuff and go to my parents anyway. I wouldn't even tell him, I'd just be gone when he gets home. What a louse!
Tend to agree with this. If there is an alternative (even if short term).. I would ship out.
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Old 03-16-2011, 01:32 PM
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welcome to s/r officially, sm1971.

terrific site, with lots of support and information. oh, and advice - we love that!

seriously, you are on the course you are destined to be on. i too agree with suki's advice to just get goin, when he's not there. it will feel oh-so-empowering when you do. you'll feel like a grown-up.

keep comin by....
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Old 03-16-2011, 01:39 PM
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Well, I picked our son up at the babysitters and I'm at my parents house. I feel lousy right now, but it's peaceful here. I won't raise a child in that environment. How sad. I can't believe a grown man would act this way. Thank you all so much for the advice. I'm going to go bake some cookies with my son and mother. I turned my phone off, so the night will be quiet....
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Old 03-16-2011, 01:40 PM
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it's cliche but it's true...

...it's not you, it's him.

I'm sorry this is happening to you. You'll get some great things to consider from the women on these boards, but I'd ask you a couple of questions for you to consider:
  1. Why do you have to stay another month? Leases say you have to pay, not that you have to stay. You may, in fact, be trapped there, but if there is anywhere else you can go please consider doing so now rather than a month from now..
  2. Have you shared this at Alanon? Please consider doing so (and good on you for going by the way).

Lastly, and I say this to a lot of people, please free yourself from the need to understand his behavior. I know it's hard, I know you love or have loved him, but you must respond to what is happening, not why it's happening.

When a dog is growling at me I don't care why it's growling. It's growling. I know it's going to bite me if I ignore it so I respond in a fashion to protect myself from harm. I hope you'll do the same.

If you can move now but choose not to move now, then the problem now lies with you, not him.

Take care, take what you want, and leave the rest.

Cyranoak
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Old 03-16-2011, 01:41 PM
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Well, I picked our son up at the babysitters and I'm at my parents house. I feel lousy right now, but it's peaceful here. I won't raise a child in that environment. How sad. I can't believe a grown man would act this way. Thank you all so much for the advice. I'm going to go bake some cookies with my son and mother. I turned my phone off, so the night will be quiet....


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Old 03-16-2011, 02:04 PM
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Have a peaceful cookie filled evening sm1971
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Old 03-16-2011, 02:08 PM
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Hi sm1971 and welcome to SR

I don't understand why he is so mad at ME. I didn't do anything. This hurts..
He is not mad at you, he is mad at himself - its called projecting. He is projecting his issues onto you that way he doesn't have to look at his own actions, very common amongst alcoholics. It has nothing to do with your actions.

It sounds like this is only the tip of the iceberg that you are dealing with and it sucks. Keep going to AL-anon, that will help you to focus and look after yourself. If you are looking after yourself you will be able to make positive decisions for what is in the best interest of you and your son.

I can't believe a grown man would act this way.
Your man is being abusive to you and that abuse comes from within. My councilor suggested to me that it has to do with their own morals and values, whats at their core, the alcohol just acts as a vehicle to make abuse more likely. Many men drink alcohol (not all alcoholics) but do not abuse their wives. They know, deep in their core that it is not acceptable to abuse woman, so they dont.

I live with an AH who has been verbally abusive to me in the past. I dont accept this behavior anymore, I call him on it and it has stopped. Interesting when you tell someone that they are being abusive/passive aggressive/manipulating etc that it finally stops. Well it has worked for me anyway. Perhaps my AH has finally 'got it' and recognized his past actions to be inappropriate.

I am pleased that you and your son are having some peace at your mums, it will be easier for you to think with a clear head. It sounds like its time for you to stop the roller-coaster and get off for a while. Stay strong - you dont want the abuse back in your life, its not healthy for you or your son. Your AH will either 'get it' or he wont, that's his choice and your choice how you want to live moving forward.
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Old 03-16-2011, 02:10 PM
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Welcome to SR.
I can't really add much that hasn't already been said. In my situation, I try to worry more about my emotions, reactions, thoughts, feelings. My AW is a grown adult and can deal with her own problems.

Once I'm clear on my stuff, then I can make sure my son is taken care of. Bad as it may sound, you absolutely need to put yourself first because if you're not well, foggy, unclear, scared, etc., you can't do anything for your son.

Enjoy those cookies with the boy and grandma in peace. You deserve it and so do they.
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