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Doubt and fear creeping in...

Old 03-16-2011, 06:34 AM
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Doubt and fear creeping in...

Hey folks... I need some good old fashion ESH.

As most of you know, my AH and I have been together 10 yrs. I've struggled since day one with his drinking and associated behaviors. I've been working on my recovery for 6 yrs now. I was blessed with 5 yrs, or so,of peace, serenity, and happiness... Until about 6 months ago when the intensity of the binges escalated. He got drunk a few weeks ago and grabbed me by my throat. We talked, he acknowledge what he did was wrong. Two weeks later, he's drunk again, and back to drinking 2-3 nights a week for "client meetings".

As you all know, I've had enough. He crossed a very big boundary, and I will no longer tolerate his behavior. I and his sister tried talking to him this weekend. I started out calmly expressing my concerns, explaining that the things hes doing are no longer acceptable to me. His response was to blame me, blame his friends, and then follow it up with, "now!?! Now it's a problems??". He told me that it's my problem. He has no problem. He wanted to leave and I said, "fine but you need to know that if you continue to drink, I will separate myself from you.".

That was Saturday... It's been awkward silence since. He hasn't talked to me, but has interacted with the kids. (he is a really great father, lousy husband.)

This morning he came to me to say goodbye and tell me that the kids were downstairs eating breakfast. I nodded, then after a long pause said, "are we ever going to finish our conversation?". I probably should have left well enough alone, as I've said before... What's more to talk about? He's already told me all I needed to hear. BUT... I guess deep down a part of me held out hope that he could be the man that I want him to be. (my sickness)

His response to me was, "I'd talk anytime you want, but what's there to say. You gave me your ultimatum so that's that. The worden says I can't drink, so I guess I can't drink.".

I made a few more useless attempts to communicate until I finally admitted to myself that i was powerless. I was trying to get him to talk, get him to see the problem... It was all pointless. He blames me, and continues to see ME as the problem.

He could stop drinking all together, but honestly, thats not really the solution that would make me happy. He'll be dry, but angry, and blame me. And honestly, it's not going to make our marriage any better... Just add more resentments.

I hate to say this... But I feel like I've given up on our marriage. And I think I'm okay with that. Parts of me feel bad, and feel guilty about what the kids are going to go through... But how much worse would it be for them to live with two parents who can't stand each other?
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Old 03-16-2011, 06:39 AM
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My iPad won't let me edit... But I wanted to add that I am sitting down with a divorce attorney tomorrow. I will continue to live at home, and keep my side of the street clean, be on guard to keep me and the e kids safe... And continue working on my exit plan.

It just sucks. And I guess I'm kind of mad at him this morning. I am mad that he's being so.... Impossible, I guess. I'm sure he thinks I'm impossible too, but frankly my dear, I don't give a damn.
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Old 03-16-2011, 06:43 AM
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It would be worse for your children to live that way. It is better to have come from a broken home than to live in one. They just want their parents to be happy, even if it means they don't live together. If you have made the decision to leave your marriage, then focus on that. Your children will be okay and they won't have to deal with all that chaos. Please, please...do not minimize the physical abuse.
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Old 03-16-2011, 07:14 AM
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I agree with suki44883. One can never underestimate the effects A and abuse (in its many forms) has on children. I watch my children who are now 22, 18 and 14 and can see how each of them have been effected by A and DV. My 22yo is a bully to everyone around her. She's a sweet girl but she has that dark side. My 18yo won't go out the house unless she has to and is unsure of her future. The last incident with my AH left my 14yo shaking, but at least he's going to Alateen, can't get the others to meetings yet. I believe my actions, my ability to gain the strength to set and enforce boundaries and maintain my separation from my AH will perhaps encourage them to follow my example in a positive way and get help.

I called my lawyer yesterday and am going to get the divorce process started. I still love my AH very much but I'm realizing that I have to think of me and my kids. My sponsor said that my feelings are normal and if he gets it together, and it is God's will for us to be together then we could always get remarried. It made sense, but right now I recognize the resentments and anger I battle with daily and know that it takes two dedicated people to make a marriage work.
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Old 03-16-2011, 08:17 AM
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You need to do the "right thing."
Only you can determine what that "right thing" is - we can't give you answers.
From what you're saying, though, it sounds like you already found it.


Just keep moving forward.
Your children learn by example.
You are showing them how to be strong, and do the right thing.
That's a much better example that what he's showing.
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Old 03-16-2011, 08:27 AM
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All I can add is that you sound very unhappy, and it sounds like every direction you turn in your mind you hit a brick wall.

Its been years, and you know from reading here, that just abstaining isnt recovery, and that that is another monster to tackle.

His attitude about the "warden" is obviously a manipulation to make you feel controlling. when you are really just letting him know that you cannot live with the drinking anymore. No warden. And I would steer yourself away fromt he ultimatum thing. He will use that in the blame onslaught.

Just try to keep stating that you need to make choices. And he knows full well WHY. He is not a baby or a kid, or even a teenager. HE knows why.

The rest is HIS to make choices around. It is easier for him to make himself sound persecuted and forced by some "warden" than it is for him to own and remedy his lack of control over his addiction.

Im sorry that its coming down to this.
The kids will be happier if you are. And it sounds like you will be.
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