When people-pleasers stop pleasing...
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
I'll be your Huckleberry...
...screw that gal. And for those of you with dirty minds that's a Tombstone quotation above. Love that movie.
Cyranoak
Cyranoak
Originally Posted by Tuffgirl 
This is the kind of stuff I am experiencing! Thanks, lillamy. This is it...I told my sister something similar (substitute friend for sister) and she is all bent out of shape that I was rude and uncaring. She actually told my Mom she is worried about me because I don't have any friends. I got a laugh out of that one...ya know...at this point I probably don't have the kind of friends you think I should have anymore! Energy vampires!
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
I found it! Here's the quote in it's entirety:
From the Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie
March 9 Taking Care of Ourselves
We cannot simultaneously set a boundary and take care of another person's feelings. It's impossible; the two acts contradict.
What a tremendous asset to have compassion for others! How difficult that same quality can make it to set boundaries!
It's good to care about other people and their feelings; it's essential to care about ourselves, too. Sometimes, to take good care of ourselves, we need to make a choice.
Some of us live with a deeply ingrained message from our family, or from church, about never hurting other people's feelings. We can replace that message with a new one, one that says it's not okay to hurt ourselves. Sometimes, when we take care of ourselves, others will react with hurt feelings.
That's okay. we will learn, grow and benefit by the experience; they will too. The most powerful and positive impact we can have on other people is accomplished by taking responsibility for ourselves, and allowing others to be responsible for themselves.
Caring works. Caretaking doesn't. We can learn to walk the line between the two.
Today, I will set the limits I need to set. I will let go of my need to take care of other people's feelings and instead take care of my own. I will give myself permission to take care of myself, knowing it's the best thing I can do for myself and others.
From the Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie
March 9 Taking Care of Ourselves
We cannot simultaneously set a boundary and take care of another person's feelings. It's impossible; the two acts contradict.
What a tremendous asset to have compassion for others! How difficult that same quality can make it to set boundaries!
It's good to care about other people and their feelings; it's essential to care about ourselves, too. Sometimes, to take good care of ourselves, we need to make a choice.
Some of us live with a deeply ingrained message from our family, or from church, about never hurting other people's feelings. We can replace that message with a new one, one that says it's not okay to hurt ourselves. Sometimes, when we take care of ourselves, others will react with hurt feelings.
That's okay. we will learn, grow and benefit by the experience; they will too. The most powerful and positive impact we can have on other people is accomplished by taking responsibility for ourselves, and allowing others to be responsible for themselves.
Caring works. Caretaking doesn't. We can learn to walk the line between the two.
Today, I will set the limits I need to set. I will let go of my need to take care of other people's feelings and instead take care of my own. I will give myself permission to take care of myself, knowing it's the best thing I can do for myself and others.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Florida
Posts: 375
Originally Posted by FindingPeace1
I found it! Here's the quote in it's entirety:
From the Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie
March 9 Taking Care of Ourselves
We cannot simultaneously set a boundary and take care of another person's feelings. It's impossible; the two acts contradict.
What a tremendous asset to have compassion for others! How difficult that same quality can make it to set boundaries!
It's good to care about other people and their feelings; it's essential to care about ourselves, too. Sometimes, to take good care of ourselves, we need to make a choice.
Some of us live with a deeply ingrained message from our family, or from church, about never hurting other people's feelings. We can replace that message with a new one, one that says it's not okay to hurt ourselves. Sometimes, when we take care of ourselves, others will react with hurt feelings.
That's okay. we will learn, grow and benefit by the experience; they will too. The most powerful and positive impact we can have on other people is accomplished by taking responsibility for ourselves, and allowing others to be responsible for themselves.
Caring works. Caretaking doesn't. We can learn to walk the line between the two.
Today, I will set the limits I need to set. I will let go of my need to take care of other people's feelings and instead take care of my own. I will give myself permission to take care of myself, knowing it's the best thing I can do for myself and others.
From the Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie
March 9 Taking Care of Ourselves
We cannot simultaneously set a boundary and take care of another person's feelings. It's impossible; the two acts contradict.
What a tremendous asset to have compassion for others! How difficult that same quality can make it to set boundaries!
It's good to care about other people and their feelings; it's essential to care about ourselves, too. Sometimes, to take good care of ourselves, we need to make a choice.
Some of us live with a deeply ingrained message from our family, or from church, about never hurting other people's feelings. We can replace that message with a new one, one that says it's not okay to hurt ourselves. Sometimes, when we take care of ourselves, others will react with hurt feelings.
That's okay. we will learn, grow and benefit by the experience; they will too. The most powerful and positive impact we can have on other people is accomplished by taking responsibility for ourselves, and allowing others to be responsible for themselves.
Caring works. Caretaking doesn't. We can learn to walk the line between the two.
Today, I will set the limits I need to set. I will let go of my need to take care of other people's feelings and instead take care of my own. I will give myself permission to take care of myself, knowing it's the best thing I can do for myself and others.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
I was noticing this in a couple relationships also. One person took my telling them that "I can't do this right now" AOK.
The other person was incredibly put-off. And continued to needle at it. To be fair, I was initially pretty darn wishy-washy stating that it wasn't working. When I finally stood up, she was hurt and angry; I was upset that I'd hurt her and that she didn't understand and I didn't want her to think I was just being a b-tch -- I wanted to EXPLAIN and make her feel better.
Then it hit me: I was still trying to make her happy - still people pleasing - still worried about what she thought of me.
And then CatsPajama's tagline came to mind: What other's think of me is really none of my business.
The first line in the quote that FindingPeace shared is amazing. How did I miss that one last week???
The other person was incredibly put-off. And continued to needle at it. To be fair, I was initially pretty darn wishy-washy stating that it wasn't working. When I finally stood up, she was hurt and angry; I was upset that I'd hurt her and that she didn't understand and I didn't want her to think I was just being a b-tch -- I wanted to EXPLAIN and make her feel better.
Then it hit me: I was still trying to make her happy - still people pleasing - still worried about what she thought of me.
And then CatsPajama's tagline came to mind: What other's think of me is really none of my business.
The first line in the quote that FindingPeace shared is amazing. How did I miss that one last week???
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 185
Regarding the "I am sorry you feel that way" comment.
I HATE THAT STATEMENT!!!!!
My AH says that to me all of the time, whenever I try to tell him how I am feeling. He doesn't mean it. He is not sorry. He might as well say "Ha...sucks to be you!"
Just my 2 cents...
I HATE THAT STATEMENT!!!!!
My AH says that to me all of the time, whenever I try to tell him how I am feeling. He doesn't mean it. He is not sorry. He might as well say "Ha...sucks to be you!"
Just my 2 cents...
Today is a New Day
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
I tried that same statement on XABF for awhile - it seemed to make things worse.
I revised it to, "You have a right to your own opinion."
Still not the best, but it worked a little bit better.
It's awkward to come up with a phrase to respectfully acknowledge someone else's feelings, without agreeing with them, without coming across as a total jerk.
I know I don't mean it that way, but if he were to use those phrases back at me he would mean it that way, and it's the same phrase.
But anything more descriptive would suck me back into the drama.
I revised it to, "You have a right to your own opinion."
Still not the best, but it worked a little bit better.
It's awkward to come up with a phrase to respectfully acknowledge someone else's feelings, without agreeing with them, without coming across as a total jerk.
I know I don't mean it that way, but if he were to use those phrases back at me he would mean it that way, and it's the same phrase.
But anything more descriptive would suck me back into the drama.
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