Blogs


Notices

Failure

Old 03-14-2011, 06:24 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
wanttobehealthy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
Failure

Despite my week of doing well detaching etc and ignoring the emails of Fri and Sat, I lost it yesterday- big time- with AH's parents there no less...

He wouldn't make any decisions in response to awkward questions his parents would ask so instead he and they would look to me-- I stuck with "it's your call" over and over (bc in years past I get put in the decision making role and then everyone gets to blame me when they are unhappy with the decision I make-- but no one of them ever will make a decision on their own)... and AH started faking being sicky sweet and saying "well, gee, I am just trying to be considerate" which then got his mother saying "WTBH can't you see AH is trying hard?... why don't you be nicer?..."

I was not about to leave my kids alone with them all and they came up (invited by AH without asking me first) to see D3 for her bday...

So, I stayed and finally said I'd had enough and it was a nightmare.

I packed everything I possibly could and made it clear that I was not coming home ever. I am calling my lawyer today to find out about getting a financial and custody agreement in place before there's a divorce bc I don't trust AH further than I could kick him...

He made a point with his parents there of saying that the only reason he's been trying to be nice is bc I have "threatened" to ruin his life by telling the cops he's been drinking despite a bail order saying he can't. That got his enabler mother (my fil is a raging violent A too) to tell me that I was going to "ruin" her sons life and hurt our kids if I did that. I informed her that it was her sons choice to drink and not my responsibility if he faces consequences for that. She countered that it would be my responsibilty bc the only way someone will know is through my telling them. I hate his entire family and want to find a way to keep them from EVER being around my kids without my being there. They are TOXIC.

AH also played the "I was sober for 5 weeks and you didn't give me enough praise"... card - I reminded him that I actually did tell him often (and gave him dates bc I keep a journal for this very reason) that I saw he was trying and that I was here for him etc... He told me that I ought to be happy that he's trying to stay sober and not expect too much all at once. I told him that being sober and continuing to act exactly as he did while drinking was not something I was going to pat him on the back for...

He's such a BABY and I can think of no one else in the adult world other than him (or perhaps most A's?) who think that acting like an adult is something you should get accolades for... I mean, he honestly thinks that saying things like "I am lying a lot less than I used to" is something he should get a pat on the back for... UGH.

I am frustrated with myself for getting sucked in. If it weren't for D3's bday I would not have had any contact with him this weekend... I will not make that mistake again anytime soon. D3 has her party with friends on Sat and I asked him to not come-- he's said he will be there whether I like it or not and is inviting his brother and sister (who are insane). At this point he is pulling out all the stops to be as obnoxious as possible and I need to find a way to not let him get to me even when I have to be around him...

I'm struggling....
wanttobehealthy is offline  
The Following 11 Users Say Thank You to wanttobehealthy For This Useful Post:
Alone22 (03-14-2011), bookwyrm (03-14-2011), Cyranoak (03-14-2011), nodaybut2day (03-14-2011), PurpleWilder (03-14-2011), seekingcalm (03-14-2011), StarCat (03-14-2011), starlight40 (03-14-2011), Thumper (03-14-2011), tjp613 (03-14-2011), wpasierb (03-14-2011)
Old 03-14-2011, 06:47 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
A work in progress
 
LexieCat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Best to get that divorce ball rolling, because that's the only way you are going to be able to limit contact (unless, of course, you revive the "no contact" bail condition--you might want to discuss that with your lawyer).

Sorry you had to deal with that, but it can feel good to get things moving.

Hugs,
LexieCat is offline  
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to LexieCat For This Useful Post:
GettingBy (03-14-2011), laurie6781 (03-14-2011), seekingcalm (03-14-2011), Thumper (03-14-2011)
Old 03-14-2011, 07:38 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
GettingBy's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
I agree with LexieCat.

I had gotten good at finding peace and serenity in the midst of the chaos, but the truth is - it wasn't healthy for me. Everytime I didn't react, alcoholism up'ed the ante.

You're in a very sick situation. Everyone must play their part in the merry-go-round, otherwise - the truth comes out and must be faced. You are being given strong "change back" messages - don't listen.

NONE of the drinking is your fault. You are NOT ruining your husbands life.
GettingBy is offline  
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to GettingBy For This Useful Post:
Alone22 (03-14-2011), seekingcalm (03-14-2011), starlight40 (03-14-2011), Thumper (03-14-2011)
Old 03-14-2011, 07:57 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
nodaybut2day's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
wanttobehealthy...please give yourself a GIANT break. You couldn't have known that your STBXAH was going to bring in his enabling reinforcements over. It's VERY hard to stand up to an A, let alone to stand up to an A and his enabling toxic family.

From reading your responses, I think you did very well. You were bang on when you realized that *not* drinking for 5 weeks and lying *less* doesn't call for a parade. And you were perfectly right to indicate that no one else but your STBXAH is ruining his life. He is simply seeking to run and hide in his mommy skirts to escape the consequences of his actions.

Keep your eyes on that end goal of financial and legal freedom from him. You'll get there!
nodaybut2day is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to nodaybut2day For This Useful Post:
Alone22 (03-14-2011), bookwyrm (03-14-2011), seekingcalm (03-14-2011)
Old 03-14-2011, 07:58 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 132
wanttobehealthy,

So sorry to hear you had such a crap day with the a's.
It sounds like you are staying strong though.I'm sending you big huggs!
starlight40 is offline  
Old 03-14-2011, 08:34 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
I know they are all so crazy, and I am sorry that this occurred, but you do sound clear and committed to yourself and your kids.

This is good!

Keep on moving toward that freedom.

I feel lucky that my RAH family is not that riddled with denial.
They are tough and they are enabling him less and less, but I am still the bad guy, at least to BIL, who is a bully. I am so glad he hasnt come around.

You sound good, even though you are struggling.
Imagine all of us there with you, because we are!
Buffalo66 is offline  
Old 03-14-2011, 09:10 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
Shellcrusher's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 821
Stay strong WTBH.

All I can say about the in-laws from my perspective...They p!55 me off too.
Shellcrusher is offline  
Old 03-14-2011, 10:06 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
wanttobehealthy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
Thank you all so much.... I just got a SCATHING email from my enmeshed SICK mil... To be honest, when I read things about child abuse and parentified kids I see my H and my MIL in my mind... He, her baby, was HER emotional center even as a kid-- he was the golden child who could do no wrong and was "there" for her. SICK. So he just doesn't see it, and probably never will. And she puts on this front of being serene and sweet and non judgemental when she is the opposite of all 3. Toxic and evil. I really really want to hit reply to her but I won't give her that enjoyment... UGH.
wanttobehealthy is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to wanttobehealthy For This Useful Post:
Alone22 (03-14-2011), starlight40 (03-14-2011)
Old 03-14-2011, 10:11 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Just livin' the dream
 
suki44883's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 28,962
I hope you are still planning to contact your lawyer today. This madness has to stop. Cut off all contact with the in-laws. Your marriage is none of their business. You are right, it is toxic and very harmful to your daughter. I would do whatever was in my power to keep her away from all of them. Find out from your attorney what that is.
suki44883 is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to suki44883 For This Useful Post:
barb dwyer (03-15-2011), seekingcalm (03-14-2011)
Old 03-14-2011, 10:14 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
SoloMio's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,107
Regarding the praise thing...don't even try to defend yourself against that--when my AH relapsed, his excuse was "nobody gave me credit for not drinking all those years.."

Hogwash. Even when we did, he dismissed it as patronizing (which it was, frankly).

Well-adjusted people are motivated by internal rewards. You're not responsible for shoring up his ego.
SoloMio is offline  
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to SoloMio For This Useful Post:
GettingBy (03-14-2011), seekingcalm (03-14-2011), StarCat (03-14-2011), wanttobehealthy (03-14-2011)
Old 03-14-2011, 10:32 AM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Southwest
Posts: 1,207
CANCEL THE PARTY.

Call all her friends and just cancel it. Reschedule for a month later.

Your daughter is 3. Cancel the party. Give yourself a break from the madness.
stella27 is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to stella27 For This Useful Post:
barb dwyer (03-15-2011), wicked (03-14-2011)
Old 03-14-2011, 10:49 AM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
 
GettingBy's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
Originally Posted by SoloMio View Post
Regarding the praise thing...don't even try to defend yourself against that--when my AH relapsed, his excuse was "nobody gave me credit for not drinking all those years.."
I got that one too... "You don't ever acknowledge my efforts!" or better yet...

"The drinking is WAaaayy better than it used to be! How about giving me some credit for that?!" That one was almost always followed up by, "It doesn't matter what I do, nothing is good enough for you!"
GettingBy is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to GettingBy For This Useful Post:
LexieCat (03-14-2011), StarCat (03-14-2011), wanttobehealthy (03-14-2011)
Old 03-14-2011, 10:56 AM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
wanttobehealthy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
Originally Posted by stella27 View Post
CANCEL THE PARTY.

Call all her friends and just cancel it. Reschedule for a month later.

Your daughter is 3. Cancel the party. Give yourself a break from the madness.
You know, if it were last year I could have, but she is really, really excited to have her friends over and I'm not going to punish her bc of how hard it is to deal with her father. I will simply will myself to not react to him. I can't in good conscience say to her that it's not happening... She's old enough this year to be excited about it and is making little place cards for her friends with her sister and I at night (just a little arts and crafts activity) so I can't do that to her....
wanttobehealthy is offline  
Old 03-14-2011, 10:57 AM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
wanttobehealthy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
It is REMARKABLE to read that so many of us are told the same thing by our A spouse or significant other... It lessens the sting to realize that it's part of the "stinkin thinkin" apparently and not so much a personal thing...

Thanks everyone...
wanttobehealthy is offline  
Old 03-14-2011, 11:02 AM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
wanttobehealthy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
Originally Posted by suki44883 View Post
I hope you are still planning to contact your lawyer today. This madness has to stop. Cut off all contact with the in-laws. Your marriage is none of their business. You are right, it is toxic and very harmful to your daughter. I would do whatever was in my power to keep her away from all of them. Find out from your attorney what that is.
I did call him and it did NOT go well. I talked to him for almost an hour this morning... There isn't much I can do to keep the girls from seeing his family when they are with him unless I have "evidence" (apparently family history of A, past history of abuse between mil and fil, mental illness on brother's part) is not evidence. Bruises, threats etc... are evidence... Verbal crap, enabling, plying AH with booze while on his way to rehab are abhorrent behaviors but not legally considered a direct threat to my kids. Maybe if they were going to LIVE there but according to my lawyer it is going to take a LOT to get visitation limited.

F'ing great news. Not.
wanttobehealthy is offline  
Old 03-14-2011, 11:20 AM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Member
 
Shellcrusher's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 821
I was informed by my lawyer of certain methods to prove alcoholism and force a more safe parenting situation for the children in divorce. This was discussed with me because to my knowledge, my AW does not have a public record of abuse. No rehabs. No DUIs. etc.

There's a service done by something called the CFI and they're basically the eyes and ears of the court/judge. They do investigative work in alcohol related situations. This includes random drug/alcohol testing. Testing can range from simple urine tests which can be faked. Another option is the ETG test which can cover 80 hours of time.

You'll pay for this service. Estimates I was given for my situation got up to $10k for the service.
Shellcrusher is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to Shellcrusher For This Useful Post:
barb dwyer (03-15-2011)
Old 03-14-2011, 02:07 PM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Member
 
PurpleWilder's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 743
Would it be possible to change the location of the party and just not tell him or his family? Do you have a friend whose living room you can borrow? Or is there a church you can borrow a room from? Or is the party at a rented place like Chucky Cheese?

And if they do show up, make sure you have a few of your friends on-hand as third-party observers to their crap. That may come in handy later (i.e., in court at a custody hearing).
PurpleWilder is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to PurpleWilder For This Useful Post:
seekingcalm (03-14-2011), stella27 (03-14-2011), wicked (03-15-2011)
Old 03-14-2011, 02:32 PM
  # 18 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 606
WTBH, you are doing great!

I think having a couple of friends around at your daughter's party is a fabulous idea.

Not likely that your AH or his family will bother you if you have some good supportive friends or family members by your side.

Sending positive thoughts your way Stay strong!
seekingcalm is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to seekingcalm For This Useful Post:
wicked (03-15-2011)
Old 03-14-2011, 06:23 PM
  # 19 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
wanttobehealthy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
Yes my mother and several siblings and some family friends whose kids are the same age as my kids will be there so there will be plenty of witnesses... I told H in a factual, emotionless email that I will have ground rules if his siblings are coming and I WILL expect them to be adhered to for the kids sake and that I WILL ask people to leave the instant they display the inability to follow these ground rules. And the police station is down the street from our house and I told him that if there is any arguing about people leaving when they are asked to go, I won't be afraid to call to ask for help.

Rules:
- Food at the party is for the kids. Grown adults will not dive into the food for the kids before the party starts (his brother has done this at every one of my kids parties)

- Personal family belongings are not for pilfering through in the midst of the party (too long a story to tell but his sister sneaks around our house stealing things every time she is over-- things that make no sense to steal... just to steal I guess)

- NO ONE is to drink alcohol. Usually at least one of his siblings shows up with booze and he and his brother get drunk, without fail, at every family party (even kids bday parties)

What do you think? I sent it already so I guess if it's bad I'm too late!
wanttobehealthy is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to wanttobehealthy For This Useful Post:
wicked (03-15-2011)
Old 03-14-2011, 06:28 PM
  # 20 (permalink)  
A work in progress
 
LexieCat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Just a thought, you might wanna give the cops a heads-up. You could let them know what's going on, just in case, so you don't have to go into a huge explanation if things deteriorate.

I HOPE that wouldn't be necessary at your daughter's party. Might make it more "memorable" than you want. Hey, with any luck, his family will be so insulted they will boycott it! Probably just a dream...
LexieCat is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to LexieCat For This Useful Post:
GettingBy (03-14-2011), wanttobehealthy (03-14-2011), wicked (03-15-2011)

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 03:31 AM.