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The Expense of Alcoholism

Old 03-13-2011, 10:33 PM
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The Expense of Alcoholism

Not been on the site much - busy with new job and recent decision to divorce - which was all surrounded by a 2nd attempt at treatment for AH but was apparently not the right time - came home 48 hrs later on a Greyhound stating "it was a waste of his time" ...

________ Short story __________
Married for 22 years and no children. He's struggled with alcholism for over 10 years and went through treatment about 20 months ago after near liver failure.

Last fall - went through bankruptcy when his(our) business went out of business. This business was based on his trade - I too had my own business.

Fast forward to January - I moved out of the bedroom after we agreed about divorce - he was drinking then and probably thought I jsut moved out because I so "cold". I'm truly done with his alcoholism, never been so sure in my life (I'm a grateful member of alanon) and he feels I'm the ice queen and I'm the reason he drank - so he agreed to a divorce too.

First of February - he hits a false bottom and "must" go to treatment. Required a medical detox for 5 days then treatment. He stayed for 48 hours and caught a greyhound home - stating treatment was "a waste of him time".

We both want this divorce - just difference reasons. I've taken a new job in an industry that is not suffering like the one I was in. He's been a fulltime student for almost 2 years, on unemployment.

So medical bills will probably be around $3-4k after insurance pays their part: this is for the recent "I need treatment or I will die" followed by "Waste of my time" My new job cannot afford this ...

Am I wrong to think he should pay for these bills? I asked repeatly for him to allow me to help ( I know - dah! I know I should not have done that to myself or him) when he was drinking and I threw my hands up ... hoping that it would force him into acceptance of his condition and get help. His AA sponsor was SO pissed about his actions around his treatment "visit".

I need prespective - what is your view on this? I just don't understand how he feels so strongly about me "paying half" on this - I paid dearly for many years and also all the vodka and pizza ...

He actually even compared it to our costs for infertility treatments - stating he didn't know this marriage would cost "him" so much money. We knew before we got married I had troubles - this comment just lead me to believe part of his troubles are still connected to that time in our life ...

I know it took both of us to get to this point ... I'm so far from perfect. We will never know what came first - chicken or the egg (drinking or the ice queen).

SO appreciate your insight - REALLY appreciate this site ... thanks.
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Old 03-14-2011, 03:10 AM
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I don't think you are wrong for thinking he should pay for that.

Have you filed for divorce yet? If you are both certain you should get going on that because they can include verbage about big expenses being 'individual' responsibility from the date of filing. It also prevents major purchases (like going out and getting a loan for a new car and expecting the other person to get stuck with half that debt) or liquidation of assets.

I live in a state where things are split so we split debt and assets 50/50 even though I didn't think it was really fair. I didn't fight it because the fight alone can get very expensive and no guarentees because my state considers debt while married to be shared. It doesn't matter what it is or how one sided the marriage was. So I got half his enormous school loans even though he would not work enough himself enough to pay any money towards those loans etc. He refused to pay on the house, which was in my name only, and so I paid it but he got 1/2 the profit. I didn't think I should have to do that but it is what it is. All his income from working part time went to beer and stuff for himself. And then some and I could prove it but it doesn't really matter.

I think my xah felt strongly on that because he a) wanted to stick it to me so to speak b) felt entitled c) wanted to off load his problems on me of course and d) I enabled for so long that is just what he expected. Poor him, someone must take care of him. He was offended and crying mistreatment when I cut off his phone 3 months after our divorce was final.
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Old 03-14-2011, 05:34 AM
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If you don't negotiate something different, the medical bills could be your responsibility anyway. Check with a lawyer. You might want to look into a legal separation if your State has such a thing, for purposes of separating your finances.
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Old 03-14-2011, 05:51 AM
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"this comment just lead me to believe part of his troubles are still connected to that time in our life ..."


Don't let him blame you for HIS troubles. He's an alcoholic and will find something to blame it on rather than accept responsibility.
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Old 03-14-2011, 06:34 AM
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[QUOTE=RollTide;2897490Don't let him blame you for HIS troubles. He's an alcoholic and will find something to blame it on rather than accept responsibility.[/QUOTE]

Exactly. It's amazing how they can twist and manipulate the truth to what works for them.

It's not your fault. You didn't cause it. You can't control it.

It's definetely time to sit with an attorney and get yourself legal protection.
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Old 03-14-2011, 10:21 AM
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in the long run, it's a small amount to pay for peace and tranquility for the rest of your life.

File the papers. you can stop his spending with a divorce action. then you just add up the assets, subtract the debts, split the difference. He has nothing to lose by suggesting you pay more.

count on him being the unreasonable one. You should try being unreasonalble too. Accept nothing more than paying 50%. Lawyer up. It's cheaper in the long run. With no kids, the whole thing will be so much cheaper in the end. Fret not.
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Old 03-14-2011, 12:21 PM
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I think that zrx1200R has an excellent point.

Arguing over the details is going to drag this thing out for a long time. Texas is a community property state. With no kids that pretty much means that assets and debt will be split unless you let the lawyers get in there and bleed you both into poverty.

Yes, I know you've put up with a whole mountain of crap. Lord knows, I have too. That's my AH you hear snoring in the background.

Your soon to be ex husband is an alcoholic---he can't think straight and nothing is ever his fault. You are not negotiating with a sensible person. Whatever you do here is not going to be good enough in his mind.
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Old 03-14-2011, 12:43 PM
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Good point made above. You could easily spend $3000 or a lawyer to save yourself$2000 of unfair medical bills.
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Old 03-14-2011, 02:11 PM
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Please take it from someone who went thru a horrid financial situation during my divorce - PLEASE Seek LEGAL advice as soon as possible!

Depending on your State's Laws, there could be lots of damages done to you financially thru this process - Trust me - I went thru Garnishment of Wages for HIS medical bills, Threatening of Garnisment of Wages for our HOUSE that he refused to leave & also refused to pay the bills, force to file bankruptcy, I had to pay the balance due on our Federal Income Taxes and lots of other things
It was truly a nightmare.

Now 2 yrs later - my life is finally calm, serene and drama free - BUT it will take me a while to recovery financially.

Please seek an attorney to help you - the Laws are not very friendly to spouses that stayed with A's to try to help them overcome their disease!

PINK HUGS & Best Wishes for you,
Rita
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Old 03-14-2011, 08:39 PM
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Thank You! Your imput means everything ...

Thumper - I have filed for divorce but it was after his last binge. We agreed to a divorce and I moved out of the bedroom before his last binge. He is definitely in the selfish-entitlement stage ... I know that I must look out for myself now.

Lexie - you post stated "negotiate" and that really got me thinking too. I have to look at the big picture on not just each item that pops up. Our house appraisal came in today and his pension valuation should be in by Friday. That will paint the big picture.

Rolltide & GettingBy - I've been thinking that's the "old" me but you caught me at it again! Manipulation - they are goood. But I do feel good now - stronger than I have in years. I feel now I can see and feel things more clearly and I'm better at making decisions that put myself in first consideration.

I have met with an attorney and she was great. She's willing to work with me hourly (no retainer) as she see's I'm in a pickle. We are also closing our bankrupcty (ch.7) at the same time. I can appreciate the cost of fighting too - attorney fees add up fast. But he stated today that he will not use my half of the pension towards my buy out of the home. It's my childhood home - bought it from my parents and they live on a 2nd home on our property (protected by contract - living will estate) anyways - I think I need to get my attorney working tomorrow ... based on a conversation I just had with him minutes ago.

I so appreciate your input - means alot right now
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Old 03-14-2011, 08:41 PM
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PinkAcres - I will share your story with my attorney ... amazing how they could do all that to you in your divorce! thanks for sharing and glad to hear you've found some serenity!! take care!
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