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QUEEN Bee versus... "THE PERFECT MAN"

Old 03-13-2011, 09:10 PM
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QUEEN Bee versus... "THE PERFECT MAN"

All of the words, manlipulation, sad, angry, upset, happy, scared, guilt..

Those are the word of: MY DAY, after another lovely phone call from the RAH who moved across the country, who claimed it was Gods will for him to move.
3 weeks later, he wants me to move there..."Geez, I have responsibilties"
did he forget? He left me the house & business to take care of...Duh!!
Yep, he is working at his job, and nothing else..(No recovery program)

The phone call consisted of: Im making lots of money, WTF there you go again asking me about my relapse & recovery, your never going to leave it alone are you, your so negative, your up to something NO GOOD, who are you seeing, im getting a lawyer = and dont call me until your happy!

WOW!!! My mind was once juggled around again....That was alot for me to sift thru.

Today after his numerous un-answered phone calls. I texted him and told him he was only allowed to text me. I told him, Yes, Im up to something...Im in recovery, glad you can see a change!

He wants to know if this marriage is going to work and if we are still going to be together, its been 3 months now!
1 month in rehab, 1 month trying to live together (Relapse), 3 weeks with him moving away(No recovery program)......
I told him to really look at the reason's he is demanding an answer now..

I have been reading the thread of WHY DO THEY DO THAT?

I am just wondering, is there really a perfect man?

Does reading all of this stuff sometimes make you wonder if there is such a thing as a perfect man or do we desire it more, because we read too much?
Meaning: Reading too much of how bad he is, we over look the good?

Sometimes I wonder, if I read too much, and it is closing me down to accepting what he is, is what he is, and maybe its just me...

Is his recovery going well or am I just being a Queen Bee and just wanting the perfect man?
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Old 03-13-2011, 09:18 PM
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You can accept him for who/what he is, and decide it isn't what you want in your life. He doesn't have to be a monster to be bad relationship material.

There is no such thing as the perfect man, any more than there is the perfect woman. We are all human. We are all imperfect.

Matter of fact, there are lots of men I admire greatly, but wouldn't care to be married to. My first husband is one of them. He's a terrific guy, just found that the marriage wasn't what I wanted.
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Old 03-13-2011, 09:56 PM
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Definitely know what your going thru...Just had the same conversation with my AH. We've been separated for 4 weeks, just started talking again last week and he went from can you just handle my business for me, I just want to be friends at least, to you're not my acting like my wife and we need to just end this marriage. Umm, did he like totally forget he trashed my new apt & bleached half my clothes 4 weeks ago?

I fell for the it'll be different this time promise AGAIN and let him move into my new apt, which I got after he ran me out of our home in the middle of the night so he wouldn't beat the crap out of me, when he got out of detox. Now he feels he's ENTITLED to DEMAND for ME to fix HIS marriage. Is he serious?

I've been reading the same book along with Gaslighting and I felt the same way Friday like maybe I'm reading too much negative stuff and it's pissing me off and I'm on a passive/aggressive trip. But then I think of all the stuff I've been thru and I feel like I have a right to be thoroughly pissed off. Granted I chose to stay thru it and I chose to believe him every time he claimed he'd get it together but that doesn't negate the fact that he continues to put everything on me, right down to his relapse.

I too wonder if there's a good man -- i gave up on perfect--- man out there because all I've ever seen in my life are the really abusive ones. I figure though that at least reading this stuff will make me more aware of the tactics and mentality of the abusive ones.

I'm trying to accept him for who he is but who is he? Is he Dr Jekyll or Mr Hyde? Is he the compassionate caring man I could talk to about my deepest & darkest secrets? The man who walked miles to get to the hospital when I was sick even though we were going thru one of our separations or is he the man that terrorized me and sent me to the hospital? I don't know.

And what or who gives him the right to demand a FINAL answer on the state of our marriage? As if I know, talk about a Let go and let God moment.
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Old 03-13-2011, 10:17 PM
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Destiny..Sorry to hear your going thru the same. It sucks!

I would like to rephrase what I wrote, to a certain extent. When my head
is gurgling, I really shouldnt sit down and write post...LOL...

Had a cup of hot tea and some time to un-wind and rewrite some of my thoughts.

Hopefully, it will make more sense now...

Im not waiting for him to be perfect, Im waiting for him to be normal.
And I think sometimes when I read too much, I question myself, are you
waiting for the perfect man?

Alot of the details in "Why does he do that" hit the nail on the head.
But, then I wonder, dont all men do those things to a certain degree?

Then I begin to wonder, is it just me?

Maybe my husband is different, maybe he doesnt need all that recovery
program stuff, maybe its just me?
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Old 03-14-2011, 01:25 AM
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I know that when I was living with XAH I couldn't tell you if up was up and down was down. I was living in a state of confusion. Minimising what I was living through was the only way for me to keep going. These doubts you have about being too fussy...don't you DESERVE someone 'normal'? Do you deserve to be abused? XAH was good at keeping me doubting myself. It helped him get away with so much more! Have a look through the forum for 'terminal uniqueness'. Re-read the stickies. Our situations are echoed so many times in other people's stories. I took comfort in the fact that what I was living through was echoed elsewhere - it WASN'T just me and XAH WASN'T unique (unfortunately).

Sometimes, though, what you learn can seem to be too much to take in. There are some hard things to face and work through. Give yourself time to process it all.

Do you have any face to face support? Talking to a counsellor helped me so much.
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Old 03-14-2011, 03:51 AM
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Being abstinent from mind altering chemicals for a short time period or even a long time period does not equal "living happily ever after"... especially for those of us who are in committed relationships with the the newly "sober" person.

Those new in sobriety expect everyone around them to be ecstatic and bubbling with joy at their abstinence and fully expect everyone to immediately twist themselves into pretzels to make them happy campers when they begin their endless selfish demands.

While the chemicals are gone their brains are still a mess with trying to repair damaged nueral pathways while at the same time sending impulses to the person to drink or drug... further complicating the physical and brain function issues we still have the selfish addict personality and behaviors that either are being ignored or being addressed by serious recovery efforts with AA, addiction professionals or other reputable programs.

If there is no serious work being done in recovery then my advice is to keep your distance and maintain no contact... the odds of success are so small that they are barely measurable.

On the other hand, miracles do happen but they are RARE...the addict MUST want sobriety and restoration like a drowning man wants oxygen into his starving lungs and must be willing to whatever it takes to maintain that sobriety and GROWTH as a person of character.

I am living the miracle with a wonderful man who is a RA but the turning point came AFTER I completely turned it over to God and went NO CONTACT. He ended up in jail and that was the "whatever it takes moment" for him. He works on himself constantly... he is involved with AA (Big Book meetings only) and counsels with his pastor and with his Dr. of psychology and continues to grow as an unselfish and loving mate, dad and is a man to be proud of.

That being said... it could all unravel in bad decision on his part... one weak unguarded moment and he could relapse. That is the reality of addiction and when in a relationship with someone in that position you have to decide if you are willing to enter back into a lifetime commitment with someone who does have this issue for life.
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Old 03-14-2011, 08:05 PM
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Three things Bobby...

  1. Alanon would help you a great deal. Please consider attending six meetings, some different, before deciding if it will work for you. It saved my life, present and future, and I'm so thankful I finally went to a meeting in November of 2003.
  2. There is no perfect man. Never has been. Never will be. However, there are men that go to work every day, come home every night, keep their johnsons in their pants, and show up for family events sober. I know a ton of these guys. I'm one of these guys (but taken).
  3. Please consider refocusing on yourself, and away from him. It's just a waste of time to do anything else IMHO.

Take care, take what you want, and leave the rest.

Cyranoak


Originally Posted by BobbyJ View Post
All of the words, manlipulation, sad, angry, upset, happy, scared, guilt..

Those are the word of: MY DAY, after another lovely phone call from the RAH who moved across the country, who claimed it was Gods will for him to move.
3 weeks later, he wants me to move there..."Geez, I have responsibilties"
did he forget? He left me the house & business to take care of...Duh!!
Yep, he is working at his job, and nothing else..(No recovery program)

The phone call consisted of: Im making lots of money, WTF there you go again asking me about my relapse & recovery, your never going to leave it alone are you, your so negative, your up to something NO GOOD, who are you seeing, im getting a lawyer = and dont call me until your happy!

WOW!!! My mind was once juggled around again....That was alot for me to sift thru.

Today after his numerous un-answered phone calls. I texted him and told him he was only allowed to text me. I told him, Yes, Im up to something...Im in recovery, glad you can see a change!

He wants to know if this marriage is going to work and if we are still going to be together, its been 3 months now!
1 month in rehab, 1 month trying to live together (Relapse), 3 weeks with him moving away(No recovery program)......
I told him to really look at the reason's he is demanding an answer now..

I have been reading the thread of WHY DO THEY DO THAT?

I am just wondering, is there really a perfect man?

Does reading all of this stuff sometimes make you wonder if there is such a thing as a perfect man or do we desire it more, because we read too much?
Meaning: Reading too much of how bad he is, we over look the good?

Sometimes I wonder, if I read too much, and it is closing me down to accepting what he is, is what he is, and maybe its just me...

Is his recovery going well or am I just being a Queen Bee and just wanting the perfect man?
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Old 03-14-2011, 08:53 PM
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Well said, Cyranoak. Well said.
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Old 03-15-2011, 08:27 AM
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The "perfect man" almost seems to imply that your partner will *perfectly* provide for all your emotional (and physical) needs. IMO, if those are your expectations, then you are bound to be disappointed by everyone out there. When you begin to look within for happiness, instead of without, you can begin to see people for who they really are, imperfect and struggling, just as you are.

In your shoes, I would cut contact to a minimum, or perhaps to zero if you don't have anything child-related to discuss, in order to get away from his blameshifting and crazymaking.
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Old 03-15-2011, 07:14 PM
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Todays phone call was:

He asked,"Are you going to ever move here with me?" I choked and honestly could not answer that.

Am I wishful thinking that my RAH doesnt need a strong recovery program?
(After years of being a hard core whiskey drinker, last 2 years of one bottle a day)



Is he different than the rest?

Did he just need a move to make him better?

UGGGGGGG.....
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Old 03-15-2011, 08:09 PM
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FYI: Queen Bees have lots of lil worker bees.......lol

I thought the same thing about only seeing the negatives in my AH.

I have come to the conclusion that even sober, his behaviors are still ugly.
I don't like him.

He told me the other day: "You don't like me. I can see it in your eyes. You love me but you don't like me."

I never could lie well....

I find myself feeling sorry for him. I have finally come to terms with the fact that he is sick, truly sick.

He is still ugly underneath the sick.

There are men out there who are better (for lack of a better term) than the men we tend to associate ourselves with.

I used to believe they were all alike. Then, in a change of circles, I was exposed to a different type of man.

A man who has dignity, respect for himself and his family members, and is honest. A man who has priorities above himself.

Then I chose an ugly one.

So I am sure they are out there. I have to "fix" me in order to choose one. Period.

Once a person has space to step back and see a picture for what it really is, it is okay to not want what you discover.
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Old 03-16-2011, 07:55 AM
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Originally Posted by BobbyJ View Post
Am I wishful thinking that my RAH doesnt need a strong recovery program?
(After years of being a hard core whiskey drinker, last 2 years of one bottle a day)
Um, yes.

Originally Posted by BobbyJ View Post
Is he different than the rest?
Be honest here. IMO, no.

Originally Posted by BobbyJ View Post
Did he just need a move to make him better?
Moving won't help him run away from his addiction.
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Old 03-16-2011, 08:04 AM
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Moving away with the fairy-tale expectation that it will make everything just perfect is called "doing a geographical" in recovery circles.

The problem is - no matter where an alcoholic or addict goes, they take themselves along! A pile of poo is still a pile of poo whether it is on the coast, in the Midwest, in a desert, in a busy metropolitan area, or a small island town.

Moving doesn't change anything. And you moving to where he is will be the same old, same old but with new scenery.
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Old 03-16-2011, 08:10 AM
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Originally Posted by PurpleSquirrel View Post
Moving away with the fairy-tale expectation that it will make everything just perfect is called "doing a geographical" in recovery circles.
Ah thank you for this PurpleSquirrel. I couldn't remember the terminology.

Originally Posted by PurpleSquirrel View Post
A pile of poo is still a pile of poo whether it is on the coast, in the Midwest, in a desert, in a busy metropolitan area, or a small island town.
ROFL!
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Old 03-16-2011, 02:46 PM
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No matter where you go...

...there you are.

Originally Posted by PurpleSquirrel View Post
Moving away with the fairy-tale expectation that it will make everything just perfect is called "doing a geographical" in recovery circles.

The problem is - no matter where an alcoholic or addict goes, they take themselves along! A pile of poo is still a pile of poo whether it is on the coast, in the Midwest, in a desert, in a busy metropolitan area, or a small island town.

Moving doesn't change anything. And you moving to where he is will be the same old, same old but with new scenery.
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