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UGH...saw my AH

Old 03-13-2011, 03:27 PM
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UGH...saw my AH

Got woken up this morning to the doorbell ringing and knocking on the door. I went to open and saw a truck parked down the road and my husband walking around the side of the house. I cannot remember the last time I actually saw him-a fact that makes me sad but I now realize is a good thing. He asked where my car was-so he probably was surprised that I opened the door. He said he was distributing information door to door and had dropped off a birthday card to me. I was just as surprised to see him on a Sunday morning especially after losing an hour of sleep. And he looked good. Not bloated or bleary eyed. I was a little out of it so I just said thank you and he went on his way. I got the card out of the mail box. Nice, religious-which isn’t really his style and signed, “Be Well” -a generic greeting.
Okay, so he made an effort and he thought of me. And I was ok with it all. So I texted him back to say Thank You and then remembered that he had mail here so I mentioned that. No response.
2 hours later the phone rings and it is him saying he is at the front door for his mail. He comes up the step and I hand it to him, ask if he wants a bag for it. He looked thin so I said, “Have you lost weight?”
“Yes, I look good don’t I?”
And there it is-that let me tell you how wonderful I am because you must not realize it attitude.
I said, “if you had waited 2 seconds I would have said so myself”
He laughed which was good to see him do and then he opened his arms to give me a hug. I miss his hugs so much. And though I have practiced in my head setting boundaries it is just such an intinct to hug him back and just the fact that he wanted to...
And there it was-strike 2. The familiar scent of beer. The one thing I was hoping that him looking good on a Sunday morning meant he had given up.
He said “Take care of yourself” and was actually nice-something I have not seen too much in him in the last year or so.
So I did my chores and tried not to obsess about it and thought about all the good that has been in my life lately.
I went to the grocery store later this afternoon and on the way home what do I see?
His car at the bar. I just broke down and cried. He’s not going to change is he? He is not going to realize how much he is giving up to continue drinking.
And this is why no contact-which has caused me so much anxiety at first, is what I have to do. Everytime I see him I am looking for signs that he is making changes. That he wants to have some kind of relationship with me. I want to believe that every hug means so much more than what he intends it to.
Why do I want to put so much faith in him and so little in me?
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Old 03-13-2011, 03:36 PM
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Ahhh shoot - what a crappy experience. I was so hoping this would end with something positive, and yet not so.

I am sorry. That must have really sucked. I guess the only way to reframe it is that he was trying to be kind and you learned a lesson to be careful about getting your hopes up and change anytime soon. But I would have felt the same disappointment as you... it would have been crushing, actually. And we do these things because we love them and its hard to let that go, especially to addiction.

Big hugs, so sorry.
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Old 03-13-2011, 03:39 PM
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Ditto what Tuffgirl said.

Yeah, it's disappointing.

Hugs (that don't smell like beer),
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Old 03-13-2011, 03:53 PM
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It's Ok. I know this feeling. Its hard.
You stopped being around him because of this. You are rebuilding and focusing on your own life because of this.

You just remember this, now. And in 3D technicolor it is hard to deny what a mess he is. Pointing out how good he looks, smelling like beer....going to the bar in the afternoon.

Sometimes when I see My RAH I get that pang of familiarity and soft feeling for him, but it does not take long, EVER for him to show his dark mind. And I remember more and more quickly each time that I made the right decision. I made the proper choice for me.

Everytime I even THINK about whether he is going to meetings, or whether he is going to the bar to "not drink", I just try to reel my energy back from that black hole, and reinvest it in myself...

Am I going to meetings? Am I spending time where I should? Am I exercizing? Taking care of me?
Do I look and feel good?
I am even becoming sort of greedy about it. I want that energy for ME, ME ME!!! LOL.

That whiff of beer is the tip of an iceberg you sent packing already.
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Old 03-13-2011, 06:42 PM
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Oh, I was so there myself this week. I hadn't seen my AH in 3 weeks and even after the incident that separated us AGAIN, since I didn't see him drinking I kept trying to believe he was just a dry drunk when he exploded weeks before. I know, I know, i was in denial. Well, any denial I had was gone when I spoke to him and agreed to meet him -- in a public place -- to talk. Not at first, not until I was seduced back into bed and afterwards he had to make a quick run. Like I don't know the put a bit of toothpaste on your tongue routine after 8 freaking years of this BS? Can you imagine he thought it was okay that he wasn't drinking hard liquor or beer but wine? Did he not just spend over a month in an inpatient treatment program learning all about this disease? Did he not remember the checklists he did about the disease and where he was on the whole disease scale? Did he forget that when he got to the program they told him his BAC was so high they were surprised he was still alive? And then he blamed me for the relapse!!

I sat down today and mapped out a F2F meeting for every night this week and called the therapy center I went to back in '05 for re-intake. I printed out Slogans and Steps and everything I could think of to post all over my bedroom. He made not want help and recovery but I DEFINITELY do!
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Old 03-14-2011, 10:20 AM
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That's the hard part isn't it.

It's the seeing signs that he's trying, he's thinking about us....

we open the door to our hearts just a teeny bit and we get hurt again and again...

I'm so sorry.
Big hugs!!
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