Things I won't miss.....
 

Things I won't miss about lving with my AH.

1. Being told to shut up when I speak.

2. Walking on eggshells.

3. Having no say in anything!!!!!

4. Starting each day having to be completely quiet while I drink my coffee before he wakes up.

5. Having to be quiet all the time.

6. Never getting to do what I want.

7. Never getting to do anything.

8. Being with a man, who has lost any and all sense of caring and compassion for me.

9. Always feeling alone.

10. Being afraid of everything!

No, I will not miss these things. This life that I am NOT living, came on gradually. And sad as it is I might have put up with it for a while longer if I thought he was going to make any effort to keep me in this country with him. If I was a resident I could work and have a life. But most likely the most he will do is wait till a week before then come up with some sob story with Border patrol to get them to extend my stay. Well, go ahead, I'm leaving anyway.
My emotions are still pretty raw, so posting things like this really helps me.:c021:

What I would really like, is some advice on how to get through these next few months, before I leave.
I try to tell myself to just enjoy what's left of my time here.... but as you can see from my list, the resentment is kicking in.

Concentrate on treating yourself well. Eat healthfully, get a good amount of rest, get some sunshine. Remember HALT - Hungry Angry Lonely Tired. If you are any of those things then take care of them.

Pamper yourself a little with "girly" stuff - bubble baths, manicures, pedicures, a haircut, a quick facial if you can afford it. If not, make one from oatmeal and honey! Put cucumbers on your eyes. Listen to your favorite music.

Forgive yourself for being resentful but don't let resentments take over your life. You put a lot into your marriage without getting much in return. That hurts like hell.

I would also recommend - on top of anything by Melodie Beattie, naturally :) - a book called "Succulent Wild Woman" by SARK. That book has gotten me a long way towards just being me.

Hope this helps. Learning to live without chaos takes just as much practice as living with it, sometimes. It is a learning process. It will get better with time!

Thank you.
Very good advice! I am infact going to the gym now almost every morning. (I can do anything as long as its free) Its quite helpful.

I will get past this I know. It's just, that things were so different for the first 8 years (he always drank) but In the states I had my own money and my own life and while it was still dyfunctional, he never treated me the way he does now! That's what I can not get over. All he had to do was get off his ass long enough to get the money for my residency app. and after almost 2 yrs. he has done nothing. I put up with living like this because it was only supposed to be temporary. Then when I got my paperwork I could make my own money and have health ins. again, and he couldn't be this Mr. my way or the highway type person he has turned into.
And his way is I go without everything, and he goes without nothing!

These are the issues I am struggling with, and were it not for SR, I would have no one to talk to about any of this!

I know its a blessing in disguise that he has done nothing to keep me here, and that I can leave without him blaming me. Its best to get out now before he gets any worse. But its still so hard to accept.

(((((Starlight))))

Your life is gonna be so much better!

wishes for good things for you, right now!

hugs
chicory

I am sorry that you are hurting , tho. This will pass, and you will be stronger and wiser.
I wish I had some good ideas. PurpleSquirrel had some great ones for you. Just be sure to give yourself the love you so deserve. The reading she suggested will be helpful too. When I am having hard times, reading those kinds of things really helps. Gets me strong, and gives me ideas I could never think of myself.

and you will get a lot of help here, cause there are some awesomely smart folks here.

hugs

I think I'll copy & paste this and print this out and add it to my bedroom bulletin board just to remind me to focus on me and not on him when I get into my "I miss my husband" moods.

I agree with everyone else, you gotta take your eyes off him and put them on you. I found this online today, maybe it'll help:

HOW TO HAVE FUN EVEN IF YOU DON’T WANT TO:

A list for those of you who are too overwhelmed to think of things to do. And the secret is, do them even when you really don't feel like it. That's when you NEED to do them most.

READ - anything, a recovery book, or to escape all thought processes for a while, read a good novel, a biography, a funny book, a "style" magazine, a travel book....but read. Take you mind on a vacation.

MUSIC - sing out loud, even if you don't have a voice like an angel (I don't), sing with your kids, dance around, excercise to music (just make it up as you go), listen to some great "oldies", go to a concert, many are cheap or free, but let the music happen.

GARDEN/WALK/RUN/BIKE - do lots of outdoor exercise and enjoy the beauty of nature while you are there. Take the kids on a "nature" hunt, finding wild flowers, or looking at difference birds. This can be done right in the city (I live in Toronto and there is lots of nature here).

BE WITH PEOPLE - call a friend to visit, go to church and join in one of their activites, ask someone from your meeting to go to a movie with you, ask a neighbour to "walk" with you. Take a senior to lunch or out somewhere that would be a treat for them, for a drive through the country or a walk through a garden..seniors just love this and are often lonely too.

DREAM - not of what might have been, but of what you might like to do someday. It is a dream so it can be anything. Pick up some travel folders and find a place you would like to go. Look at cheap trips, or camping sites and plan a camping trip with the kids or with a friend.

DO FUN THINGS WITH YOUR CHILDREN - they are probably having a bad time now too. Plan a campout in the backyard, campsongs, weenies, and all. Go on a picnic, you don't have to go far, go to a river, a lake, a park, but go.

TREAT YOURSELF - Light candles, soak in a big bubble bath, paint your nails (fingers and toes)
and do something different with your hair.

DAY TRIPS - go out for the day to flea markets, garage sales, country stores, historical sites, old cemetaries (some great stories on those tombstones), it doesn't have to cost anything.

Yes thankyou for all your great ideas!
I'm getting to the gym almost every morning. (gives me a reason to get up)
And with the better weather coming, I'll be able to walk anywhere I want!

My biggest priority now is to come up with some money to get back to the states, with a little in my pocket so I am not showing up on my friend;s doorstep completely broke. This is tricky to because he's got me so isolated, and the matter of not being able to work at a real job with my current status. I'm smart, I'll figure something out.

I know he won't give me any more than the price of the bus ticket.

But I am going to have the conversation with him Friday. He refuses to aknowlege that this is even going to happen. He say it will all work out, and leave it to him!blah, blah blah.
But I am going to atleast attempt to make him face it so we can plan for my departure together.

My biggest priority is to not get stressed! I have addisson's disease. Which basically means my body can't produce the chemicals I need when a person is faced with stress. I have a script for my daily medication. But its only enough to keep me alive, not enough to compensate under high stress times.

Like I said, I'm smart, I'll figure it all out, and this will all be but a distant memory . Thank you!

I can't imagine what it would be like to be going through all of this in another country! I went through it here in the states which was bad enough! To not be able get money from working. Wow, what a roadblock! It was hard enough trying to leave with money! You will get through this, though. And your life will be so much better! And if you show up on your friends/relatives doorstep penny-less then so be it. You will be okay and happy again! My thoughts are with you. Please keep us posted!
M