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Not sure why I am so shocked

Old 03-12-2011, 05:46 PM
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Not sure why I am so shocked

So AH has been gone from the house for a week and a half. Up until a couple of days ago I thought he was in another State with his parents. Since we separated he had no job and no local family to stay with. I told him the best thing was for him to stay with his parents while he got some serious treatment. My poor kids were so sad that Daddy was going away for awhile to see grandma and grandpa, but they were managing. AH lied to me for an entire week with very elaborate stories, only to find out he never went to his parents. His parents paid for a week at a hotel and apparrently the church paid for a 2nd week. Since I find out the truth AH has been beggin me to see the kids this weekend. He told me that it could be on my terms, he just needed to see them. Well we had tentatively planned on meeting at a park today and that never happened. He never answered his phone after many attempts. Finally I started fearing the worst and called MIL. She was able to reach him and said that he didn't sound good, but was otherwise at least alive.

I am so sad for my kids as I am sure AH decided to drink his sorrows away. I guess I am surpised b/c he wanted to see his kids so badly. He loves his kids and I just can't believe he woud let them down. That is so out of character for him.
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Old 03-12-2011, 05:54 PM
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I don't know where to find the hug emoticon but that's what I want to give you... Sounds like he was given a boundary, the lies caught up to him, he probably does very much want to see the kids but is overwhelmed with shame and guilt about you knowing the lies he told and that sent him drinking and then bc he was drinking, he was able to rationalize or simply put out of his mind, not showing up at the park....

I am so sorry for you and your kids and I feel like this post could easily be mine and who knows, in another week or two may be.

I'm sorry!
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Old 03-12-2011, 07:58 PM
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it's tough to be the wall that protects the kids all the time.
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Old 03-13-2011, 05:44 AM
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Originally Posted by CoffeeLover View Post
He loves his kids and I just can't believe he woud let them down.
He's letting his kids down by allowing his addiction to come between them. He's been letting them down for quite some time now if it's gotten to the point where the family is being torn apart.
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Old 03-13-2011, 10:42 AM
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Something I read recently... Direct quote, "If you are in a relationship with someone who has a relationship with a substance, you have a rival with whom you cannot compete. You need to give some long, hard thought to the relationship and to your expectations about the relationship; you need to make a careful assessment of what really exists versus what you would like to have exist"

You and your kids will NEVER come first in your addict's life, as long as he is actively using. I don't believe it means he doesn't love you and your family. He just can't put you first and maintain an addiction. He is emotionally unavailable.

I am sorry he let you down. I imagine its not the first time and guess it won't be the last. Be very careful allowing yourself to be set up in the first place. I am getting much better with the separation to smell a set up coming and side-step it.

Stay strong!
~T
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Old 03-13-2011, 11:31 AM
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Thanks everyone for listening! I finally heard from AH this morning as he asked to speak with the kids for a few minutes. He sounds awful. I truly am worried about his well being. I have come to accept that I can't live with him, but at the same time I don't want him dead. He has threatened to commit suicide in the past while drinking, so that is my biggest concern. I think he is holed up in his hotel room and I know he is not taking any calls from anyone so that has me worried. I just don't know what to do anymore. He needs some serious help and I think he is all alone right now. There are times when I feel so guilty. He truly believes that I made him go and left him with nothing.
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Old 03-13-2011, 12:01 PM
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I"m so sorry you're dealing with this madness. What did Barb say? It sucks to be the wall between the madness and your children?

Sending you lots of strength and love. I hope you can find time for yourself to process and stay sane while keeping focused on the kids.
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Old 03-13-2011, 01:37 PM
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"I have come to accept that I can't live with him, but at the same time I don't want him dead. He has threatened to commit suicide in the past while drinking, so that is my biggest concern."

Coffeelover,

This pretty much sums up my thoughts about my XAH. I have come to accept Step 1. I am powerless. I'm not God and I can't keep him alive if he chooses otherwise.

Please try to take your focus off of him and let him and God work it out. You can then put your time and energy into yourself and your precious children.

And I found AlAnon to be a lifesaver.

JMHO.
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Old 03-13-2011, 04:08 PM
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Thanks everyone! I truly look forward to the day when I no longer worry about him and his well-being. Not sure if that is realistic, but I do think I am making some progress. AH called just a bit ago to tell me that he was going to detox tonight. As I guessed he has been on a long binge since he left over a week ago. He said that he is very sick and can't deal with the withdrawals on his own.
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Old 03-13-2011, 06:51 PM
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OK, good, see, he managed to do the right thing even without you there to tell him what to do.

Now, relax. He is going to be in a safe place. Use this time to regroup.

Hugs,
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Old 03-14-2011, 05:16 AM
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CoffeeLover, I know from following your posts how impossible your life seams right now. I just want you to know from someone that has been in similar circumstances that things will be better for you and the sky will be blue again.

I was so wrapped up in my husband's disease that I literally lost my soul. I had lost contact with my friends because of him. I quit doing the things I enjoyed because his illness. I honestly could not put two thoughts together because I was so freaked out by what my life had become.

I finally accepted that my choices were to go down with him or to save myself. Helping him wasn't an option as much as I desperately wanted it to be. For me it meant divorce. Then I got back into living my life as I had before. It wasn't instant. It was months before I could see changes. Then I would see flashes of "me" or catch myself laughing with friends. The more I saw that the more I wanted more of it. Now I am 14 months past my divorce and can look back with bewilderment at how I became that poor helpless victim. With distance comes clarity. I never want to go back there again. Life is too short to spend trying to rescue someone who does not want to be rescued.

My XAH is still bumping along the bottom. That is his choice. We all have choices.

My hugs and prayers for you this morning.
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Old 03-14-2011, 05:28 AM
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Thanks for that Rolltide. Its nice to be reminded that we can recover no matter what they chose for themselves.

My choice is divorce as well. I know I have a rough road ahead, but I firmly believe there's something wonderful waiting for me... I just have to put one foot in front of the other. I love my husband dearly but it's destroying me to be with him.
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Old 03-14-2011, 05:40 AM
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GettingBy, you said it. Living with my husband was destroying me. Divorcing him did not mean I quit loving him. It meant I started loving myself again. And started LIVING again instead of surviving.

I had hoped that a divorce might be his bottom or his wake up call, but that was not the case.
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Old 03-14-2011, 06:28 AM
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Originally Posted by RollTide View Post
I had hoped that a divorce might be his bottom or his wake up call, but that was not the case.
I have hoped so many things would be my husband's bottom, and none of them have. Secretly, I probably hope divorce will open his eyes, but the logical part of my brain says that's not likely.

Either way, a divorce is for me not an attempt to manipulate him. That I am certain of.
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Old 03-14-2011, 10:28 AM
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I wish there was some kinda litmus test that would tell us when our A's REALLY hit bottom so we know when recovery is an option.

I'm sorry yours lied to you.
I'm sure he does want to see his kids.... but facing them? well that's another story.

Big hugs to you.
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Old 03-14-2011, 12:05 PM
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Originally Posted by RollTide View Post
GettingBy, you said it. Living with my husband was destroying me. Divorcing him did not mean I quit loving him. It meant I started loving myself again. And started LIVING again instead of surviving.

I had hoped that a divorce might be his bottom or his wake up call, but that was not the case.
So true what you said RollTide. We have hit so many bottoms. It scares me to think what the "true" bottom will be. Deep down I feel like I know that answer.

Unfortunately the saga continues... I called the detox place this morning and of course AH never made it there last night. He hasn't reached out to anyone b/c I have access to the cell phone records. His mother is of course worried and finally sent the hotel front desk to check on him. He didn't answer the door, but did tell them he was okay but not feeling well. He finally called a few minutes ago and is still holed up in his hotel room and said that he is too sick to do anything. He has dt's and is scared that he has done some serious damage this time. He said that he is vomiting constantly and can't even hold water down nor has he eaten in 3 days. I told him to call an ambulance if he needs transportation.

I truly look forward to the day when this madness no longer consumes my every thought and worry.
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Old 03-14-2011, 01:44 PM
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Coffeelover, stay strong, you did the right thing. If he truly wants help, he will call 911. There is nothing anyone can do unless he seeks help on his own.

Focus on you and your children, they need you. Sending you positive energy; I know this is very difficult.

My exabf holed up in his house and drank for a week after I left him. He texted me that he wanted to die. I texted back that he should call 911. Hardest thing I ever did. Prior to that, I would run to his side anytime he was "in a bad way"...things only got worse.

He did ultimately, get help. He has been sober for 13 months, and very serious about his recovery from this terrible disease.
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