inahaze

I've said it twice to his face that I am done. I've not been rude, I've not yelled and I've not argued. I don't want to engage him in that fashion, it'll just get me upset and crying. I did get a lovely text from him that he wants to talk about it some more and now he's trying to make it look like I'm skirting around the issue of talking about it. The odd thing about that is I'm the one who pushed the issue with him after he'd told me for a little over two weeks that we needed to talk about us. Ya, okay.

Anyway, in one of his texts he said it boiled down to me wanting to be his wife or not...as if it were that simple. I thought on this one, as I really wanted a heartfelt reply, that was very honest and simple. I didn't want it to become overly complicated so that it couldn't be implied as being something other than what it was and I tried putting it in scenarios that he could relate.

I guess that I was hoping for to much. I was told that I always seem to have one foot out the door (yes I do because I've learned that's what I do to stay mentally safe), that he wants to be with someone that will help HIM through life and not just live with him, that I'm holding onto things like they just happened yesterday (the drinking did stop 18 months ago after 15 years of being an alcoholic around me and the kids), that I act like I don't want to change and that if we stay together he needs help emotionally and financially. Oh and that we need to do things that normal married people do to help each other.

I just feel like it's more to push me into changing my decision and he's putting rules as to how I'll be expected to behave and engage him. Maybe I'm just reading to much into things after all these years, but it really does feel like he's attempting to bully me a bit.

Regardless, I still haven't changed my mind about leaving even though I'm still partially torn. I fell madly in love with him when we met and that kept me going for a long time. For years I believed his empty apologies until even that began to wane. I think I've held out this long because somewhere in me I still feel that love and I want to believe that he's the person I married. The truth though is that we have both changed and I now view everything he does with severe skepticism, everything he does is jaded by what all has happened. As much as I wish he were still the same young man I fell for, my heart says otherwise any time I'm near him. I don't feel the same excitement, I don't wish for him to be here at home with me and I don't wish to be intimate with him.

My friends have told me that he's pushing me to make the first move so that he can blame it all on me and relieve himself of being the one to say it was really over. I think they're right.

suki44883

I agree with your friends. It's all part and parcel of their not being willing to accept any responsibility. It's all on you. YOU have to change in order for the marriage to work instead of the two of you working together. YOU have to help him through life, with no mention of him helping you. In other words, YOU have to put forth all the effort and just let him be what he wants to be.

So many times, we think if they'll just stop drinking, that things will go back to the way they used to be. That rarely ever happens because too much water has run under the bridge. Neither of you are the same people that you were 15 years ago. Many marriages don't survive even if the alcoholic stops drinking, especially if that is the only thing they change about themselves.

inahaze

The message he sent me feels like it's all being put on my shoulders. He always tells me that he's changed and yet I'm still holding onto the past as if it were yesterday. Unfortunately, I do agree with that part. My entire marriage has been spent dealing with a lousy drunk partner and the way that I view him has been clouded. I threw the rose colored glasses away many years ago.

I tried to compare him coming to terms with some of his drinking issues (20ish years of bad behavior/drinking/trouble ect....) with my coming to terms with him having stopped. I mean 20 years for him to realize he has some issues vs the 18 months for me to "let go of our past" doesn't even compare. You can't put a time frame on healing or promises of what the future will hold for a healing person, you just can't. There are no guarantees that things will work out one way or another.

I feel terrible that our marriage has become the mess that it is, I hate the way that I cringe when he wants to cuddle and I hate the way that my daughter feels towards her father.

Things are what they are though and since I don't have a magic wand to erase all the terrible things I have to deal with what I've got. And that's a 12 year old daugher that threatens to move out so she can get away from him, a daughter that begs and pleas with me to leave and my own feelings of resentment, disappointment, rage and hurt.

suki44883

I'm so sorry. I had no idea your daughter was so upset. She deserves to grow up in a relatively happy home, not one filled with chaos and animosity. Couple that with the fact that you cringe at the thought of being intimate, and it really doesn't sound like there is all that much to hang onto. Both you and your daughter deserve better.

inahaze

It breaks my heart that at 12 years of age she wants to move away from home to get away from her dad. She told me that if I wasn't going to leave then I should at least let her go.

Heartbreaking for certain.

TakingCharge999

Dear inahaze, when a person changes, he or she doesn't have to even mention it. You can see it in their eyes, in the way they approach their closed ones. And strangers. It shines through.

I know you are struggling. Remember struggle is part of creating a new life. I wish you strength, clarity and focus at this difficult time.

Tuffgirl

I second TC... people who have sincerely changed don't need to point that out to their loved ones.

I have an angry & heartbroken 13 yr old. My heart goes out to you and your daughter. Darn it - this should be a time of worrying about hair, nails, and middle school and instead they are thrust into some pretty adult situations instead. Not fair.