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Said the unspeakable, and feeling FREE!!

Old 03-11-2011, 11:18 PM
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Said the unspeakable, and feeling FREE!!

I didn’t intend to do it.
I got a call to ask if I wanted to join RAH for coffee after his (SECOND) meeting of the evening. (Translated A speak to normie speak : Yeah I left the house at 6 and have gone to 2 mtgs and it’s now 9 but I’m going whether you come or not but I don’t want you to say I never ask).

I sat down and had coffee and chatted w/ an AA buddy who I knew well, another came and sat down and next thing I know they are going on and on about how great going to 2 back to back mtgs is and how they enjoy the fellowship afterward.

Then RAH starts saying that he wants to do some service work by taking on an active role in the second mtg every Thurs evening….in addition to his other roles w/ other mtgs and groups.

That is a major factor of our problems, the fact he cannot prioritize. Our family, our kids …are ignored and neglected because he would rather be hanging out w/ his AA friends.

I couldn’t just sit there. I was ready to just leave.
I opened my mouth to make an excuse to leave…but it just didn’t come out.

What did really surprised me.
I said two meetings back to back an evening, and meetings every other evening, plus the ‘fellowship’ after …. Well I’m just not feelin it. (exact words).

They were like …what do you mean? And I opened the gate and it all flooded out….it was very freeing for me.

I love the fact my RAH isn’t drinking…except he’s never home.
My children and I are more neglected than ever and he thinks spending a total of an hour home, of which he’s on the damn phone w/ his AA buddy’s is perfectly fine.

Leaving for his 8 pm mtg at 6:30 to he can meet before, then will stay after, going for coffee…the norm is arriving home around 11 or 12. And that is NOT acceptable to me as a partner in this marriage. I realize that he needs his AA to stay sober, and it must be a priority however, so does his family. Maybe not ME, but definitely his kids.

We had a major discussion. I was able to say there w/ his friends and him right next to me that although he now says he wants to stay and try to work it out….I don’t think I want to. I’ve done my time. I’ve been abused, manipulated and ignored for almost 20 yrs and I don’t really want to do this for 20 more whether he’s actively drinking or not.

I told them …nothing has changed. I don’t want to live the same way I have for the past 20 yrs, that to me is intolerable.

My RAH was shocked. He kept saying…”I havn’t heard this before”.
And I countered…. “you think because YOU decided you don’t know if you love me anymore and you need to think about your feelings before YOU decide whether to stay or go…that’s it. Done deal. Guess what, I get to choose whether I WANT to be with a person who treats me so badly….and I just don’t think I do.”

I listened to the good advice that was given to me, I did take it to heart… it felt good to share out in the open…tell someone IRL who gets it.

That when I sat there and cried that it DID hurt that he can’t commit to me but wants to buy new furniture because it ‘might’ make him want to stay…and how ridiculous and crazy that sounded to me, understood.

He said he needs to work on ‘balance’ btwn his recovery and family … uh ya think?
But I wasn’t about to let him play that either…and told his friends that this is the first time I’ve heard that what he’s doing isn’t right. Every other time I’ve heard that I’m blocking his recovery. He NEEDS all this time away to stay sober, work his program …etc. I’m just really tired of hearing that I’m the unreasonable crazy wife.

Being able to say out loud that I deserve more than he’s willing or able to give me is huge.

We were both asked flat out if we loved one another….he said he doesn’t know, I told them it doesn’t matter how I feel or what I feel…what does is that I don’t need or want what I have in my life. I am deciding what is better for me and my kids and I’m not letting how I feel get in the way.

It felt good to sit w/ two other people who were actually listening to me and not discounting how I felt.

When I said to them I just want him to treat me the same way he treats his friends…and he doesn’t. He denied it but I told him it’s time he stop denying reality because I’m not anymore.

We got home really late. He was so mad at me.
I don’t know what he had been telling them but it was obvious they were in the dark on what was going on.

First words out of his mouth were “had so and so not been there…that conversation would have gone much differently” it was very menacing. My RAH is not abusive (physically) but that really freaked me out…but I am not going to run scared.

I told him of course it wouldn’t have…but I’m glad it did and I walked away.

I felt like a boulder was lifted from my back, still do. I am loving the fact that I’m putting myself and my children first and now he knows it too.

Now there is talk about making schedules, writing on the calendar..all that. Great but it still comes down to the fact he expects me and the kids to accommodate HIS schedule. Not happening.

We (me and one of my sons) and made a schedule for next week and our spring break activities. I made it clear to RAH that he was welcome to join us but this is what we decided and our lives will no longer be on hold while he’s out doing his own thing. That isn’t good for anyone.

Of course….talk is just talk…I doubt anything can or will change, at least on his end that is.
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Old 03-11-2011, 11:37 PM
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:ghug3 I hope you have a wonderful time with your kids!!
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Old 03-12-2011, 06:46 AM
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Well, he invited you, so I don't know what he has to complain about. You spoke your truth, and if he doesn't like it, too bad. I'm sure he DIDN'T share everything that's been going on at home, because it sounds like he doesn't want to think about it. Sounds to me (as a recovering alcoholic in AA) like he's using the Fellowship as an excuse to avoid what is going on at home, which isn't right.

He's upset because it has disturbed the image he's been trying to protect in AA, but one of the things we are supposed to be working on is rigorous honesty.

Glad it helped you to get it out. It will be interesting to see what the outcome of this is.
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Old 03-12-2011, 06:57 AM
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Wow!!!!!!! I am just sitting here thinking, "That is SO cool that you were able to do that!!!" I'm sure you've said all this to him before and it sounds like it went in one ear and out the other -- but now maybe he heard you! You're right that it may very well make no difference but it sure does feel good to get it off your chest!!! You go, girl!!
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Old 03-12-2011, 07:04 AM
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Thank you for sharing with us this freeing experince.

((((Hugs)))) to you for honoring YOURSELF and using YOUR voice!
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Old 03-12-2011, 07:53 AM
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HAHA! I love it! You blew his cover!
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Old 03-12-2011, 08:29 AM
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Be aware

Originally Posted by blwninthewind View Post
And that is NOT acceptable to me as a partner in this marriage. I realize that he needs his AA to stay sober, and it must be a priority however, so does his family. Maybe not ME, but definitely his kids.
You do matter. That is what this is all about. Taking care of you and guess what? You deserve his time as well.

I know it feels good to speak your peace.
I think you should be aware that it is going to change the face of your A.
It will change your relationship.

If he is like mine, he very much cares what the outside world thinks about him. Sober or not.

He wants to look like a good guy. You have now challenged that, which is a whole nother can of worms.

He is also going to see that he is losing "control" of you. You were exactly where he wanted you before. Unhappy, unsure if he loved you....

Be aware. Be aware. Be aware.

Each A handles things differently. But I think you should start watching for signs from him about how he is going to handle this loss.

I doubt he is going to embrace your new found sense of strength. This will be a threat to him, I think.

So be aware.
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Old 03-12-2011, 08:39 AM
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Congratulations on this!
My RAH was doing the same, avoisind the home, only he wasnt doing it for meetings.

I realize through your posts that if he was doing it for meetings, and staying away from the home all the time, it STILL would be unacceptable...I had to ask myself that when I read your story.

He is avoiding real life. I think it is common in early recovery, and your communication may blast him out of his protective little world.

The RA is at a loss for how to cope with reality. They spent years and years putting reality off drink by drink, day by day.

It has now landed on him, and he is running for cover. It is so clear.
He wants you to play along, to keep up his denial about how swimmingly his recovery is going.

He is not drinking and that is really hard, but, if his sober self cant handle being around a loving family, then there is more work to do.

Congratulations again.
It must feel so good to get that out, and to be heard.
Im sure he is steaming mad.
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Old 03-12-2011, 10:14 AM
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That's awesome that you said it all and that the other people there listened, asked questions and showed you that what you were saying was valid (vs how I imagine it would've gone if it had just been you and AH).
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Old 03-12-2011, 11:04 AM
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Nice. That is so incredibly awesome. Taking charge. Having someone else there so your feelings are not discounted is so empowering. Good for you!!!!!
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Old 03-12-2011, 11:42 AM
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You never know, this MIGHT actually force him to look at what he is avoiding.

When we alcoholics are in recovery, even when we really WANT to do it right, it's easy to screw it up. Our priorities may take awhile to be sorted out the way they should be. SOMETIMES a psychic "slap in the face" is what it takes to wake up. Only time will tell whether that's the case here. My guess is that his AA friends will put a certain amount of pressure on him to start putting more effort into his home/family life. Don't underestimate the power of other alcoholics gently (or sometimes not-so-gently) suggesting that he get his head out of his butt. Of course, whether he TAKES this suggestion or not is up to him. If he trusts them, and wants to stay sober, it might have impact that your own voice did not.
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Old 03-12-2011, 03:04 PM
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Old 03-13-2011, 09:02 AM
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Awesome! You had great support: kept-in-the-dark recovering folks who know how to facilitate a "meeting." The hand of HP moves in unexpected ways. My guess is this is an answered prayer, I'm betting you've been calling for help and it came.

Sweet.
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Old 03-13-2011, 09:32 AM
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IMO, you did a good thing...you where there through thick and thin with this man...he has no idea what HE put you through with his drinking and the kids! yes it was a slap in the face, but in al anon, we still need to be #1 and the kids too...he needs to realize that...and HOPEFULLY he does....

this is a LIFE change....it takes alot of communication, committment to make this work for everyone in a 'sober' home...its a new normal for everyone but also he needs to realize that his disease has effected everyone....it takes time...and at his pace too....

I send prayers to you and for your strength in this...i have many al anoners who are still with their A or recoverying A...GOD BLESS
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Old 03-13-2011, 09:43 AM
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I chorused 'hurrah!' last night on this thread and I don't see it today?

so ... again, I say -

"hoorah!"

I bet you feel like you've got to carry a rock
just to keep from floating away.

What a wonderful and mature unburdening for you!
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Old 03-13-2011, 02:22 PM
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You go girl!! It is funny how when we want our lives back we just go for it.

I am separated but in the same house and today my A tells me he can not live with the awkwardness in the house. I told him either he can find a place and that will cost us more money or try and get through until the house sells.

I feel so cold but I am not trying to be. I am done and can not explain to him anymore. He is still not accepting it and that is his problem not mine.
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Old 03-14-2011, 11:16 AM
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I have a very good update. I think...lol.

we barely talked about what was said there or how we felt about it since that night.
until this weekend. I guess maybe 'processing'?
I don't know.
But he made a schedule!!!!!
That is HUGE!!!!
He is acknowledging that there IS a problem.
He's worked it out...his nights, my nights, OUR nights and FAMILY days (weekends except one mtg that we attend monthly together). There is time blocked for my alnon at which he will be responsible for everything (kids, dinner, dinner clean up, homework, getting kids to bed, any afterschool activity, even daycare pickup!)
THIS IS HUGE!!!!!!!
before everyday was his day....even if he was home it was to change clothes and go to a mtg or hang w/ AA buddy's.
Today is Mon....
so he reminded me that even though I'm on spring break ...he is coming right home after work and taking over so I can do my own thing.
The fact he's not saying "well it's spring break...your off all week...there's your time" is a MAJOR deal.
I finally feel like he's valuing MY feelings and my time...and how much he's been letting down his kids.
I told him that I would make the hamburgers, if he would cook them...we could make the sides together, eat as a family and then I'll go off to do my thing around 6:30.....because I do believe my kids need to not feel like they are just being shuffled btwn us..but we are actually all working together to BE a family.
I heard him on the phone yesterday...talking to an AA. Explaining in a nice way that he could not commit to something because due to our new family schedule the event they were talking about fell on 'my wife's night'.... I could hear some pressure about how he needs this and he has to put his sobriety first (person was LOUD on the phone)...and he replied "what good is my sobriety if I had to lose my family to get it, so NO I won't be attending, I'll see you on XXday though".
It made me proud.
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Old 03-14-2011, 11:25 AM
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Hope it continues.
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Old 03-14-2011, 01:13 PM
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Progress is good especially when it's based on action.
I'm happy to read about this improvement and I hope you continue to see more.
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Old 03-14-2011, 03:03 PM
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WOW! is right!!!!!!!!! Just awesome!! Enjoy your night!
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