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Said the unspeakable, and feeling FREE!!

Old 03-14-2011, 06:00 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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VERY cool.

This issue may come up again, but you're right, this is HUGE progress. And, really, that's what we are longing for--just progress.

Hopefully, you can be somewhat flexible, in that if, for instance, there is something important going on (an anniversary meeting, a convention, a retreat) he can make those. But on a week-to-week basis, this sounds pretty workable.

Thanks for sharing the good news!
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Old 03-14-2011, 07:01 PM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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Wow- amazing update! Just goes to show that nothing changes if nothing changes... you spoke up, did something very different than you thought you would and what a difference it made! So happy for you!
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Old 03-14-2011, 10:21 PM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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Ok all went well.
Home from my mtg.
Had an issue at the mtg though.
the SAME person who he was speaking to on the phone yesterday pretty much told me I was WRONG. I WAS standing in the way of his sobriety and therfore he would DIE and it would be my fault.
ok...so not only was the problem solved...or at least we are making progress...but now I have an alnon/aa'r telling me we are doing it all wrong. I have NO right to expect my RAH to present and accounted for EVER...it was all about him, his sobriety. My boundaries don't matter. How I feel doesn't matter. Whether my kids are w/out their father ...doesn't matter. I'm afraid I lost my patience. She made me cry.
I told her she was out of her mind, in a very not nice way. She had no right to tell me how to work MY program, or what 'should' be acceptable to me. PERIOD. She wasn't living in my home or in my life therefore she didn't get to decide ANYTHING about me or my family and telling me otherwise was completely unacceptable.
She really pi##ed me off. Worse no one really said anything to her...but me.
I was very offended by the whole conversation.
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Old 03-14-2011, 10:58 PM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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I'm a newbie to Al Anon, only like a month in, but I thought we weren't supposed to tell people what to do or impose our opinions on others. We should just share our experiences and let people make up their own minds what to do. I don't know anything really about AA as my AH isn't in recovery at all so I don't know if that's what they do... But, I probably would have lost it on her too...
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Old 03-14-2011, 11:26 PM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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Hi blwinthewind
Take what you need and leave the rest.......

I was offended the other day when my best friend told me something like "oh.. nice you went to the beach.. so things are looking a little bit better for you.." like saying I was doomed to be sad/depressed/a loser! well anyway I am feeling much better now. And she doesn't have to get it...

Trust yourself, keep moving forward.... and yes the AA/Alanoids I've met IRL have talked in compassionate ways and had never told ME what I was doing ok or not or made me feel offended in any way. Not every person is fully recovered IMHO, don't let that discourage you!
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Old 03-15-2011, 12:49 AM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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My story is a little different, but just to give you a clue as to what I did in early recovery (from codie-ness and addiction).

I threw myself into work, I spent time with family, worked, I spent a gazillion hours on SR, learning how to improve myself. Working his recovery IS important, but it doesn't mean you shut the world out to get it.

This may be the first time that he's realized that you've had it. He hasn't been present in a LONG time. Recovery can come from all kinds of places. AA is one of them. True recovery is finding balance between working the recovery and being a r a responsible person who learns who to live life. Being sheltered by overdosing on AA doesn't give him the opporunity...it shuts out everything, and it prevents him from
good for stating your mind!

hugs and prayers,

Amy
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Old 03-15-2011, 06:42 AM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by blwninthewind View Post
Ok all went well.
Home from my mtg.
Had an issue at the mtg though.
the SAME person who he was speaking to on the phone yesterday pretty much told me I was WRONG. I WAS standing in the way of his sobriety and therfore he would DIE and it would be my fault.
ok...so not only was the problem solved...or at least we are making progress...but now I have an alnon/aa'r telling me we are doing it all wrong. I have NO right to expect my RAH to present and accounted for EVER...it was all about him, his sobriety. My boundaries don't matter. How I feel doesn't matter. Whether my kids are w/out their father ...doesn't matter. I'm afraid I lost my patience. She made me cry.
I told her she was out of her mind, in a very not nice way. She had no right to tell me how to work MY program, or what 'should' be acceptable to me. PERIOD. She wasn't living in my home or in my life therefore she didn't get to decide ANYTHING about me or my family and telling me otherwise was completely unacceptable.
She really pi##ed me off. Worse no one really said anything to her...but me.
I was very offended by the whole conversation.
Wow, I am really, really sorry and honestly, people like that are afraid to let your H live his own life so she needs to make it seem it's you who is possibly keeping him from recovery and act as though the "only" way to recover is 24:7 AA. Maybe that's what she needed but what works for one doesn't work for all.

I get really pi$$ed off when my H tells me that people at his meetings tell him similar things (these are the times when I am calling him out on the fact that he "uses" AA meetings at times as a way to escape reality. He talks the talk but doesn't walk the walk and wants to act as though drinking coffee and sitting in a room with others is all there is to recovery and as long as he sits there long enough he'll recover...

I don't know how much sense I am making but I can hear that woman's words and can only imagine how infuriating it must have been. In some ways it's not a lot different than trying to battle my enabling in laws who want to convince me that my H's lifestyle is fine and it's me who is the problem. Your H clearly told this woman what he wanted and she is not able to respect it. She needs him to do what she wants for God knows what reason and that right there shows that she is no closer to recovery than someone walking into AA for the first time.

I'm sorry you experienced that.

What was your H's response?
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Old 03-15-2011, 06:46 AM
  # 28 (permalink)  
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Well, apparently she was telling him the same thing on the phone, but he told her he needed to spend time with the family.

Ignore it. There are opinionated people all over the place in AA--everybody's got one, and they are often contradictory. Part of recovery (for AA's AND Al-Anons) is learning the art of discernment--when someone is giving you good or bad advice.

Let it go.
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Old 03-15-2011, 08:02 AM
  # 29 (permalink)  
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From what you posted of the phone conversation, it sounds like your husband has already chosen YOUR input versus HER input.
It is infuriating, yes.

But he already decided in your favor, so she can complain all she wants, your husband agrees with you. (Personally, I would guess her feelings are hurt, because she didn't get her way, so she's taking it out on you - but that's just my guess.)
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Old 03-15-2011, 08:10 AM
  # 30 (permalink)  
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Ugh, so sad that you had to have that in your face at your meeting.

I believe you and your H have worked out a compromise. It shows that you both care about the other partner and wish to make positive changes. Good on you.

Please be gentle with yourself.
You know what you need from your life partner and you calmly shared your feelings.
You were speaking up for yourself, your children and speaking your truth.
You took your power back.

In Alanon, we admitted we were powerless over alcohol and our lives had become unmanageable.
Keeping that in mind (we are powerless over alcohol)....
If your H goes back out there, it is not within our power to prevent that or save him. We are powerless over alcohol and the addiction.

You are a good person.
You are a good mom.

Peace and hugs
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Old 03-15-2011, 10:02 AM
  # 31 (permalink)  
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see? takes little steps, and so worth it...
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Old 03-15-2011, 11:07 AM
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Have you considered grabbing a broom at your next meeting, so you can sweep her back to her side of the street?

You stood up for yourself again and you're gaining strength. That's going to be scary to a lot of people who aren't there yet and it's their issue to own. Please keep on taking care of yourself
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Old 03-16-2011, 11:48 AM
  # 33 (permalink)  
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^^^@Chino, thats funny!! lol
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