Im just curious of why it took you over a year to write this letter?

(((((BobbyJ)))))

With each A it is different. I have had sponsees 'ready' to do their amends at 4 or 5 months and some that have not been 'ready' until almost 2 years clean and sober.

There is no time limit. Each A that is committed to recovery and working with their sponsor does it in HP's time not theirs.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

(((((Kjell)))))

Looks pretty good.

Only 'suggestion' I would make is delete "I'm sorry for" and add "I take Full Responsibility for:"

Again goes back to our 'friends and family' heard so many "I'm Sorry's" over the years that I'm sorry has come to mean very little to them, at least with my family and friends, and the family and friends of most of my sponsees over the years.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

These are your words, they come from your heart. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks except you. I think the first letter you wrote was perfect because the words flowed out of you naturally, honestly, and sincerely. I wouldn't change a thing. Authenticity is priceless.

My late boyfriend, Richard, who drank himself to death about 3 years ago, never made amends to me. But, frankly, that doesn't matter to me now because I've forgiven him for being human and flawed, and plagued by a demon too strong for him to overcome. I know had the roles been reversed that he would have forgiven me, too.

You don't need approval from anyone here. Trust yourself and your instincts and know that you are good enough just the way you are.

Just a note backing up the 'short and sweet' votes and to congratulate you on your work to improve the quality of your sobriety!

I'm sorry but your letter doesn't feel very heartfelt. I'm sure it comes from the right place in you but it doesn't read that way. For example, why explain about how you're working the 9th step. That makes it come across as if you're scheduling in her apology for your benefit rather than because you really are sorry.

When people apologise for real we do so because we feel empathy, because we genuinely understand how we've hurt someone and want to make them feel better. Doing it for our own gain lessens how genuine it is.

I think you need to think about why you are apologising. If it's just that you've reached that point in your steps, I'd give it a miss. If it's because you are truly sorry then just tell her that, don't make your apology to her be about anything other than that apology.

Thanks everyone.

I've been blessed with a great sponsor and we went through the big book together and really worked each step. Yes, it's taken some time, but it's been done right and I'm very sincere in all of my amends.

I've got a very big step 9 list and I owe it to each person on this list to do the amend right.

I'm going to remove a few things (esp a few "i'm sorrys") and let my sponsor take a look and if he agrees, I'll mail this off this week.

Again, thank you very much for your input.

SR is such a great resource for us all.

Kjell~

KittyP-

If I hadn't gotten sober and worked through all 12 steps of AA, I wouldn't have changed who I was and I wouldn't even be on here asking for direction on making amends to my ex girlfriend.

I'd be at a bar :)

Seriously, I am very sincere and I'm following the direction of millions of recovered alcoholics who came before me.

Kjell~

Kjell-
I think that if you are working the steps like it certainly sounds you are then whatever you write and however you write it, as long as it comes from your heart and sounds like "you", will be perfect.

How I or someone else would write it or what we'd say, include, leave out, the length etc... is irrelevant. Of course if it was a letter that said "okay, so I'm sorry, is that what you want?" then that'd be a problem... but your original letter was, I thought, perfect. You obviously put thought and effort into it and it's not your job to worry about how your ex gf will take it or not. I would not change things in it bc of how she may or may not react. Say what you have to say and leave it at that.

I can say as the wife of an A who has told me that oh yes he has amends to make but that I am not and will never be one of them, I'd love to get a letter that sounded as sincere and heartfelt as yours.

But I also know that given the years of hurt it would be hard to re-read the specifics about the pain he caused. But that's my issue to deal with- not his. And hopefully by the time someone gets to the 9th step, those in their lives have also been doing some work so that some of the hurt/anger/pain etc... has lessened...

One thing that used to really upset me more than not getting an apology would be when my H would just say "sorry"... Never about anything specific-- he didn't buy in to the fact that what he'd done was wrong-- he was just saying the word sorry in hopes it would appease me. I think that the specifics you give, though they may be hard for your ex gf to hear, really show that you have thought about your behavior and see things you did that were not okay to do to another person- let alone one you loved. I'd err on the side of being specific like you were, vs trying to spare your ex gf's feelings and be vague-- you never know... the vagueness might upset her more than specifics...

Congrats on your sobriety... it gives me hope for my H. It's too late for our marriage, but he's the father of my children and I want him to be around and be present in their lives so I pray for him to find sobriety of mind and body...

Congrats again... Great letter imo...

kjell,

I like it. I don't think you need to run it by anyone here, but my guess is that you want to be sure it doesn't come off like something that will cause her more pain. And that is the right attitude, I think.

For others here who might not really "get" what an amends is, it's really an attempt to, as much as you are able to, make right the wrongs you have done to someone else. It isn't a way of asking forgiveness, and there is no obligation whatsoever on the recipient of the amends. The recipient could literally or figuratively slam the door in your face and it would still be a good amends. All you can do is to try. You can't erase the past. Some wrongs can never be made "right" but in those cases you can accept responsibility for them.

It's all about cleaning your own side of the street.

I worked for a time at an alternative school for troubled kids, most of whom had drug and alcohol issues among many others... The guiding principles of the school were based on Glasser's Choice Theory model... My H and I both worked there actually. One of the HUGE things that was expected of kids was "willingness" and "accepting responsibility"

Anyway, over the years I've said to my H time and time again that I could forgive and move past pretty much anything if he just could get to a point of accepting responsibility, learning from it and then move on.

What makes past wrongs continue to hurt (for me at least) is not bc of the specific hurt that was committed, but more bc of the utter inability/refusal to see his actions, take responsibility for them, learn something different for the future and move on...

H never ever understood this... Not sure he ever will.

So, if this is what amends are really all about, then I like amends even more than I thought I did!

I second wanttobehealthy completely. I loved your letter, kjell. And I love the fact that even after all this time, you have the courage to accept responsibility for your wrongs. That's integrity. That's honor. That's a good man, in my eyes.

All the best for your healing Kjell and for your ex gf's healing. I get the point beyond the words. "I am sorry" means nothing when the person keeps doing the same things over and over, but if the alcohlic I knew told me he had been sober for a year and gave me a similar letter it would help a great deal and the "I am sorry" would have A LOT of meaning. Anyway as others have said it's great you are moving forward and thanks a lot for sharing this letter as it was very healing for me to read.

Hugs

I think it is great that you are doing this. I took a way a feeling that KittyP did as well. But put a bunch of people into a room and you will get many different responses so as long as YOU feel comfortable with it and it helps you move forward then it serves its purpose.

I will be honest here, the amends process to me is problematic. If it is just to make the alcoholic 'clean their side of the street', how does that truly acknowledge the lasting impact or pain the alcoholic has done to loved ones? That takes so much more to fix but I guess this is just a starting point (I hope) and not just apologies to assuage the guilt of the person in recovery.

I can only speak for myself from the perspective of someone who may someday be on the receiving end of a letter like this. It wouldn't mean much to me. It is far less about letters than it is about LIVING the life of recovery and not letting your actions inflict anymore pain upon those who love you.

Sorry if this comes across as harsh, it isn't specific to Kjell. I am sort of triggered I guess. I do think you are doing the right thing and the best you can so keep going forward. It is more the 'idea' that the amends will somehow make things all rosy and life can go on for the person in recovery if they write a letter of contrition. If you are doing it for yourself then I guess it does serve its purpose but I guess that is why you get such a variety of reactions because we all heal differently.

Kudos for working hard on your recovery Kjell.. take this all in context. Best of luck to you.

Bb,

The only ones who can really heal our pain is ourselves (with the help of our own HP). Our pain isn't ONLY what the alcoholic "did" to us, it's also what we did to ourselves in reaction to what they did. Our resentments after the behavior that was hurting us is gone is what makes us continue to hurt.

The alcoholic can't do ANYTHING to fix our innermost wounds. No matter how much they'd like to, it can't be undone entirely by them. So our choice is to continue to victimize ourselves in our own minds or to get better, ourselves.

I work with a lot of people whose lives have been horribly damaged by someone else's actions. Some people choose to heal, and some people seem to make a lifetime out of nurturing their victimization. It usually isn't as simple as making a "choice" to heal--there's hard work involved. But in some ways it's like recovering from alcoholism. Yes, there's something wrong, and maybe you didn't choose to be victimized (anymore than the alcoholic chose to be alcoholic), but everyone has the choice to try to recover. If your recovery depends on what someone else is doing or not doing, it's not that different from the alcoholic blaming external circumstances for continuing to drink.