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StrongEnuf 03-11-2011 08:59 AM

Newbie to Site, 15 years with AH 4 kids to think about
 
Hi all, I am new to this site... I have been trolling a little here and there for a while and reading others posts and you all have helped me thru alot in the past year or so since I found these forums. Reading some of your posts have put a knot in my stomach from time to time, when I realize "OMG I am not crazy, I am not the only person with these EXACT same problems". I decided it was time to finally reach out to introduce myself since your posts along with my situation have given me such strength to say ENUF is ENUF.

So here goes....

I met AH when I was 16 and he was 28 (match made in heaven!) he was a heavy drinker and I loved the fact that he would buy me alcohol so I was blind, he pretty much immediately fell "in love" with me. We moved in together just a few months after we met. And why at 16 did my parents allowed it? Because they could still collect thier foodstamps and welfare for me whether I was in thier house or not as long as I was under 18 so what did they really care ?!?!?
We were married by the time I was 19, because I needed health insurance.
A year later we had our first child who was born with disabilities, this is when I realized that life was no longer just about me (I was 20). I got a full time job to cover my sons medical expenses and threw all my focus into caring for my son (multiple surgeries and visiting nurses ect) really didnt leave me time to focus on myself or realize what AH was or wasnt doing. And when I noticed I had other grown up things to worry about.

For example, when I came home from work one night and found my infant son sleeping soundly in his room and my 30+ year old husband and his friends partying in my kitchen with a big pile of blow layed out on the same counter where I prepare meals for my SON ! And cases upon cases of beer cans EMPTY on the counter. I threw all his friends out, wiped up the coke with a wet spunge (HA HA) got yelled at by one of AH friends? for wasting his cut... blah blah (funny thinking back that my reaction to him was "how bout I call your wife and tell her what you are over here doing, you think she will even let you back into your house?" Of course she wouldnt! )

So moving on - I cleaned up thier mess and carried on. Which I now realize I have been doing for the last 15 years with AH.

We now have 4 children together, and for the second time in a year DYS is involved with our family. And this time its differant because the social worker who came out with our "family care plan" stated that I did not acknowledge the affects that my husbands alcoholism is having on our children.

I sat and thought hard about those words, and I realize that she was right and wrong! I fully acknowledge the affects that my AH has on my children, BUT I never knew how to stop this cycle, how to heal myself from years of the mental abuse that I have endured.

He is a great guy (when SOBER) he has grown into a very attentive giving father (when SOBER) and a loving Husband (when SOBER). But thats the problem he is hardly EVER SOBER.

He is a stay at home dad. And does not drink during the day, although he smokes enough pot that he is numb to the chaos. When I get home from work, we have dinner as a family. And by 6-7 pm he has his first drink, by 9-10 pm his Dr jekyl Mr Hyde switch flips and suddenly he accusing me of cheating, accusing me of not loving him, not being there for the kids enough (I work!) I would prefer to be the stay at home parent but he has no education and a horrible work ethic and history. I have to remind myself everyday that the ONLY reason I go to work everyday is for well being of my children

Usually when these insults start, I convince him I love him - thru sex.

But there have been times (usually when I have been drinking as well) that I can not control my anger or hurt and have gotten provoked into slapping him which ALWAYS ends with both of covered in blood and bruises and the police knocking at our door!

AH has 2 OUI's and a breathalizer in his truck, he has 4 domestic assault charges, would be more but I refused to testify and used the spousal preotectiona ct my states has. He has been to rehab, and anger management classes (both before we got married and after). He has seeked counseling and AA and it never lasts.

I am not a "drinker" but I do go out for girls nights with my sisters once a month (sometimes less) and sometimes enjoy a beer if I am having dinner out. Differance being I can have 2 and get a buzz then just stop! I am not justifying myself but I know that the fact that we fistfight "usually" when we have both been drinking doesn't sound good. But i just wanted to point out that I do not drink with him on a regular basis only on occasion.

Soooooo anyway, I have officially hit my rock bottom!

13 days ago, we went out to dinner with my sis and her husband it was over a 2 hour drive there and back, and since he has a breathalizer installed in his truck we took mine I was exhausted and did not want to make the ride back so we grabbed a hotel room. It got really bad - the insults, the name calling, he broke me, I felt hopeless and stuck. He would not let me leave the room... I just wanted to get away from him. I wanted to leave him there and drive home and let him figure out how to get home. He smashed the windshield of my truck so I couldnt drive it home.

I grabbed the bible out of the side table wrote good bye letters to my children. Broke a vase in the room and proceeded to attempt slitting my own wrist. But I ended up cutting my finger so bad breaking the vase that I couldnt even hold the glass to complete my attempt. I wrapped up my hand sat for a minute and thought "what am I doing, he is not worth this! I can not leave my children with this man for the rest of thier lives" I was done. I tried to go to sleep and AH decided that would be a good time for make up sex! That did not happen. I held my grund ignored him til morning when he was mostly sober and told him how done I really am.

He has assured me that he is going to stay SOBER this time FOREVER (still hasnt been to a meeting). I made it very clear to him - I refuse to stay in an abusive relationship, I dont care if he stops drinking or not that is completely his choice but I refuse to put myself or my children thru anymore of this crap and that is my choice.

He has been sober for 13 days, but like I said hasn't been to a meeting. Yesterday he was trying to rationalize with me on why he should be able to drink in a responsible manner. And I reminded him that he does not need my permission to drink if he wants to drink then go ahead and drink. I know he knows this time is differant because this is the first time I DONT CARE. I am so numb to everything that I just dont care about him anymore.

But I mean what I say, I will not remain married to an abusive drunk anymore,
I have wasted my entire adult life this way, and I deserve to be happy not numb.



Ok lots of rambling - so sorry - this is only part of it as I am sure you are all aware.

pixilation 03-11-2011 09:04 AM

Call the social worker that is already involved with your family, and ask her for referrals, etc to get him out of the house. You have all the money, so you have that going for you. The social worker should be more than willing to help you out in this situation.

And..welcome to SR.

Lilly1 03-11-2011 09:17 AM

What a long road you've been on....so glad you've made it to this point! Others will be by with far better thoughts then mine, but I wanted to thank you for sharing and welcome to the club!

nodaybut2day 03-11-2011 09:21 AM

A) Welcome to SR

B) Call your social worker and get some support.

c) You didn't CAUSE it, you can't CONTROL it, you can't CURE it...focus on yourself, and your 4 children, who *deserve* a home free of toxicity and madness, safe from abuse and addiction.

d) Keep posting on SR as much as you like. It's always here when you need it.

StrongEnuf 03-11-2011 09:30 AM

Thank you all for the welcome, writing all that then rereading it brought tears to my eyes.

I would speak with the social worker, but I am afraid that they will take my children.
Last year when we were involved with them, one of the "rules" that they had written on the "family care plan" was that if AH was to start drinking again then I needed to remove him from the home or they would remove my children. (he was sober for the whole 6 months they babysat us but then started up drinking again very shortly after he knew they were out of the picture).

Part of me thinks its NONE of thier business, but then I remind myself that they have made it thier business because they want to look out for the best interest of my children and so do I.

StrongEnuf 03-11-2011 09:31 AM


Originally Posted by nodaybut2day (Post 2894473)
A) Welcome to SR

B) Call your social worker and get some support.

c) You didn't CAUSE it, you can't CONTROL it, you can't CURE it...focus on yourself, and your 4 children, who *deserve* a home free of toxicity and madness, safe from abuse and addiction.

d) Keep posting on SR as much as you like. It's always here when you need it.

:c021: This made me cry - Thank you. The truth hurts and I need to feel that!

nodaybut2day 03-11-2011 09:35 AM

I'm sorry it's come to this StrongEnuf, but if your AH is drinking again, it is your responsibility to get him to leave the home. Your children need you to advocate for them. They need you to choose them over him.

I think that if you go the social worker and ask them to tell you HOW to remove him from the home or how to begin divorce proceedings, they will help you. Do you own this home? Are you on the mortgage? I assume you are because you are the breadwinner in the family...The social worker can get you the legal help you need to kick him out. I know other SR members have done it before, so it *can* be done.

:grouphug: to you. I know this is a scary road to travel. But you are not alone.

pixilation 03-11-2011 09:35 AM

And that's what you would be doing, removing him from the home. Tell the worker that you are ready now, and ask what steps do you need to take to make it happen. Start calling daycares.

Getting a restraining order against him should be easy for you based on his past offenses, do what you need to do. You can't control him, but you can control your own actions.

wanttobehealthy 03-11-2011 09:37 AM


And this time its differant because the social worker who came out with our "family care plan" stated that I did not acknowledge the affects that my husbands alcoholism is having on our children.
This jumped out at me bc it is this very fear of having this happen in my home, with child services that got me to pack a few things and leave about a week ago and I've never felt that a decision was more right or more important that that one.


I sat and thought hard about those words, and I realize that she was right and wrong! I fully acknowledge the affects that my AH has on my children, BUT I never knew how to stop this cycle, how to heal myself from years of the mental abuse that I have endured.
I didn't realize (so I was a step behind you I guess) the effect this was having on my kids until I started being forced to think about that. When I really started facing that fact, I stopped thinking about how I'd make it work if I left, or a plan to leave etc... and instead I just left.

You can not stop the cycle. You can stop your involvement in it and stop your kids being subjected to it. Don't wait to leave until you are stronger or healed from the mental abuse bc you will never leave. I had the same thoughts. I need to feel stronger, I need to get my head together etc... I promise you that leaving has given me more clarity and strength and peace than I could have imagined. And most of that is bc I am not seeing him day to day and worrying about him or telling myself that when he's sober he's great (I read you wrote that and I have said the same things- except honestly, he's really NOT great when he's sober-- he's just not awful and that's become my new barometer of greatness-- sick!)


He is a great guy (when SOBER) he has grown into a very attentive giving father (when SOBER) and a loving Husband (when SOBER). But thats the problem he is hardly EVER SOBER.
You deserve more, your kids deserve much more. Living for the sober moments is not living. It is surviving. At least that's what I felt like for the past few years and I am tired of surviving.

Call that social worker and have her help you get out- today if you want. Your kids need a safe home. Just like mine. My home wasn't safe and my H wasn't drinking daily or even a ton. Even sober an active alcoholic isn't a healthy person for anyone to be around.

Think about how hard this is for you and how bad you feel and then think about your kids and how they know a lot less about this disease than you and have fewer people to talk to about it than you and imagine their turmoil. When I started thinking about that it was easy to make the decision to leave.

StrongEnuf 03-11-2011 09:43 AM

I put in a request to the social worker to help us with daycare for the 2 little ones that are not in school (my reason to her was that AH needed to get a job) I guess I am trying to portray the perfect family to her, but seeing as we have been down this road last year I know that is not the case. I have a large family (5 sisters, all with grown children) all who live very close and all who have offered to stagger the childcare and hel as much as possible if I get him out of the house.

We actually rent nodaybut2day, I have been renting the same house for 7 years. I have looked for an apartment locally and all that are big enough for my brood are out of my budget. I pay almost nothing where I live because my dad did all the remodeling for the owner years ago and he's an old friend of the family.


Right now, he is not drinking (not that I am patting him on the back for a whole 13 days). But I know its coming especially since he is trying to make me believe that he can casually have a beer at dinner !!

RollTide 03-11-2011 09:48 AM

Welcome and we are glad you are here! You and your children are living in absolute chaos. Please seek help. You deserve much more than this.

You'll get some good suggestions here. This place saved my life.

nodaybut2day 03-11-2011 09:48 AM

StongEnuf...he's just white knuckling it because he's afraid of losing his main enabler: you. Before long, without a recovery plan in place, he will drink again.

Seeing as your landlord is a good friend of the family, would it be possible to talk to him and see what can be done about reassigning the lease to your name only? I did the same when I left my AH; we re-assigned the lease and utilities to him only, and I left with my DD.

Again, this is something the social worker and a lawyer/legal aid can help you with. You need to know the legalities about throwing him out, especially once he starts drinking again. Seeing as the social worker is already aware that he's got a drinking problem and WANTs you to kick him out should he start again, the solution seems obvious: wait till he starts drinking again, even a beer at dinner, and call her. Ask her to help you get the ball rolling.

This way, the kids get to remain in the family home.

StrongEnuf 03-11-2011 09:55 AM


Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy (Post 2894490)
You can not stop the cycle. You can stop your involvement in it and stop your kids being subjected to it. Don't wait to leave until you are stronger or healed from the mental abuse bc you will never leave. I had the same thoughts. I need to feel stronger, I need to get my head together etc... I promise you that leaving has given me more clarity and strength and peace than I could have imagined. And most of that is bc I am not seeing him day to day and worrying about him or telling myself that when he's sober he's great (I read you wrote that and I have said the same things- except honestly, he's really NOT great when he's sober-- he's just not awful and that's become my new barometer of greatness-- sick!)

You deserve more, your kids deserve much more. Living for the sober moments is not living. It is surviving. At least that's what I felt like for the past few years and I am tired of surviving.

You are so right! He actually is not that GREAT LMAO - I have to constantly remind him not to swear at my children during a normal conversation. That does not make him a GREAT dad! And to remind him that my daughter is 3 so she really does not understand what he is saying half the time so he needs to take a breath and find patience.

I guess I label him GREAT because he cleans the house, makes dinner, brings me lunch to work (just to check up on me I am sure). mmmm ok thats about all the great things I can think of. He doesnt interact with the children unless its a family thing that I planned (game night, movie night, roller rink ect). I guess he just meets thier basic needs of the day and I could just get a nanny for those things.

this comment "Living for the sober moments is not living. It is surviving." That says it all !

StrongEnuf 03-11-2011 10:01 AM


Originally Posted by nodaybut2day (Post 2894502)
StongEnuf...he's just white knuckling it because he's afraid of losing his main enabler: you. Before long, without a recovery plan in place, he will drink again.

Seeing as your landlord is a good friend of the family, would it be possible to talk to him and see what can be done about reassigning the lease to your name only? I did the same when I left my AH; we re-assigned the lease and utilities to him only, and I left with my DD.


Every utility, is my name. There is no lease we are tenants as will. The original leases was in my dads name and after he passed away 5 years ago we never resigned. I just send him a check everymonth and call him when something breaks he is good like that.

I have the income, the insurance, the truck I drive is in my name, his is in his name (including the loan on it) Yes BTW He drives a new truck with a loan on it, but I bought a used one in cash (off a friend that basically gave it to me for the kids) and have been driving around with a smashed windshield for 2 weeks because my insurance company only allows one windshield every 12 months and he already smashed one back in October. He promised he was going to call and get it replaced, but I am still waiting.

wanttobehealthy 03-11-2011 10:03 AM

You have family living nearby you said? Take clothing for a few days, take the kids, take food if you want to bring it along and leave. Tell yourself it's for one night. That's what I did. And after one night being away I KNEW I was not going back. I went to sleep without racing mind/heart/shaking/anxiety for the first time in years.

Take your kids and go. It doesn't commit you to divorce. Tell your H it is for you and your kids, not about him. Or tell him nothing... whatever you feel comfortable with.

It took me being told by my lawyer that my staying while my H drank (against his bail order) could result in me being seen as a unstable parent too to wake me up. You're already involved with the state and child services. Tell your H that's the deal breaker (I guess I felt it helped "justify" my leaving to be able to say this is a legal matter and not about you personally) and go.

I told my H it was for one night and that one day away gave me the strength to be honest the next day and say that it was going to be permanent for the indefinite future. I thought he'd flip out. He did not seem that surprised and I don't think he is that upset by it.

I found that leaving our house and going elsewhere made it easier for me to not get sucked back in. We are at my moms and he is not going to show up there unannounced or pulling antics the way he would if I was at our home alone. Maybe going to one of your siblings' places for a time would give you a similar peace of mind to be able to think more clearly- free from the daily insanity- about what it is you really want and know and need to do...
:ghug3

StrongEnuf 03-11-2011 10:06 AM


Originally Posted by nodaybut2day (Post 2894502)
StongEnuf...he's just white knuckling it because he's afraid of losing his main enabler: you. Before long, without a recovery plan in place, he will drink again.


Is this what he is thinking when he tells me how afraid he is of losing me?!?
Wow breakthrough moment. He is not afraid of losing me because he LOVES me, he is afraid of losing me because I clean up all his mess.

Last year during one of our many fist fights the police came and said they were not leaving without arresting someone. I knew that he had 4 Domestic assaults on record, and 1 from 10 months earlier and I knew that if he got arrested he would do a minimum of 18 months. So I put my hands out to the officer and said fine arrest me then! The cop just looked at me with confusion and said ok lets go. They did not cuff me and it was thrown out.
But the point is, I sacrificed my freedom and my good name to protect him.... protect HIM after I had just been body slammed to the hard kitchen floor 3 times in row just because I wanted to leave and not stand there and fight with him.

OMG I am his enabler!

pixilation 03-11-2011 10:09 AM

You've hit your bottom, and it is tough to deal with once you realize it. I cried off and on for days once I realized that I had hit my bottom in dealing with AH, and even now, have moments of "WTH have I been doing all this time?"

All the cards are stacked in your favor, you just have to play them right at this point.

wanttobehealthy 03-11-2011 10:15 AM

You need to get out now. Having yourself arrested to protect him is not normal. I know you know that. My H was arrested for domestic assault this fall and I STILL feel guilty about it and find myself thinking "if only I hadn't called 911". The police came and told us they were not leaving without an arrest and I pleaded for them not to arrest him. I am not much further down the healthy thinking scale as you can see, but being thrown to the floor and then letting yourself be arrested to protect him. Oh, my heart breaks for you.

Do you have daughters? Do you want them to grow up thinking this is what they should accept in a relationship? I asked myself this this week. I have 2 daughters. I had never thought about that question before and when I did I was horrified with myself for the lessons I'm teaching them by allowing myself to be manipulated by an A.

My H is still making I love you proclamations and I believe in his own way he does. But I also know that he is feeling empty (his words in an email) and alone and not sure what to do with himself. And with me around he was able to ignore those feelings and instead make everything about me (and NOT in a good way!). You are serving a purpose for your H and it's not one that's helping him, you or your kids get well.

Buffalo66 03-11-2011 11:25 AM

Dint have much to add, but following your thread, strongenuf.
I hope you can stay clear and get a little more fed up.
Those kids will respond with initial confusion, but if you get out( get him out), they will most likely beam with relief relatively soon.

He will not change unless you make a stand for you.
You have made it pretty comfy for him to drink, and be abusive.
Alcoholism and abusive behavior are both progressive conditions; they will not just go away, but rather accelerate unless YOU make a change.

His work is his addiction and his abusive behavior.

Your work is happening right now with these realizations and the next step is action.
One action a day, if you are overwhelmed.
Tell your family he abuses you.
Tell the social worker.
Tell yourself.
Don't think your kids don't see, feel and learn this behavior.

We are all rooting for you.
Any step toward heSling and protecting yourself is a step in the right direction!

nodaybut2day 03-11-2011 11:44 AM


Originally Posted by StrongEnuf (Post 2894519)
He is not afraid of losing me because he LOVES me, he is afraid of losing me because I clean up all his mess.

Bingo.

You are his meal ticket and have been for the past 15 years. He found you when you were young and easy pickings, and has scripted a role for you as his enabler, his maid and his cashcow. Now that things are looking like they might change, he is going to fight like there's no tomorrow. Expect flowers, cards, gifts, pitiful "i can't live without you"'s, and if he turns ugly, threats, demands, crazymaking, blame shifting, trying to ruin your reputation, etc etc.

I don't want to frighten you, but it's SO common when the parasite starts to feel a change in their victim.

However, the way I see it, he's screwed himself over by not working, racking up various charges against him, and mistreating you for all these years.

You're starting to realize that in your situation, you have a good measure of power to change things. Take that power and act.


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