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Newbie to Site, 15 years with AH 4 kids to think about

Old 03-11-2011, 11:01 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by nodaybut2day View Post
Bingo.

Now that things are looking like they might change, he is going to fight like there's no tomorrow. Expect flowers, cards, gifts, pitiful "i can't live without you"'s, and if he turns ugly, threats, demands, crazymaking, blame shifting, trying to ruin your reputation, etc etc.

As a matter of fact in the last 15 years I have gotten flowers from him once that I remember.... in the past few months I get flowers every week!

I have been told "I love you" so many times recently that 2 days ago I couldnt take it anymore and said to him ..... you are killing me with all the forced mushy gushy crap, it sounds so fake coming out of your mouth and I really dont want to hear it anymore
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Old 03-11-2011, 11:09 AM
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Congrats for seeing through his b.s. and calling him on it. My bet is that he'll be moving onto the next tactic he thinks is going to work to get you to back down.
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Old 03-11-2011, 11:10 AM
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Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy View Post

Do you have daughters? Do you want them to grow up thinking this is what they should accept in a relationship? I asked myself this this week. I have 2 daughters. I had never thought about that question before and when I did I was horrified with myself for the lessons I'm teaching them by allowing myself to be manipulated by an A.
My sister said that to me a few months ago, she told me that my daughter is watching my every move and learning from me.

I have 3 sons, and 1 daughter

After the body slamming incident, my 6 year old son picked up my 3 year old daughter and body slammed her to the floor! I was fuming but couldnt get mad at him, it was not his fault he learned that behavior. I took that opportunity to talk with him about violence .... but children learn what they live I understand that I have to make changes.
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Old 03-11-2011, 11:17 AM
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You got it. And you're in the perfect place to brainstorm ideas on how to make that change happen. SR is what gave me the support I needed when I was leaving my XAH, quivering like a bowl of jello, afraid of hurt *him*, afraid he'd "get mad"...turns out he was all talk, bad grammar and nothing else.

You can do this.
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Old 03-11-2011, 11:58 AM
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I am afraid of SO MUCH ....

afraid for him, what will he do, where will he go, how will he survive without me, I am not afraid so much for myself I know I can survive without him I already do.

I was warned by his mother, not to marry him thats really kind of sad but I should have listed to her. She said to me "Please do not marry my son, he is just like his father and I am scared for you!"
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Old 03-11-2011, 12:04 PM
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I guess that is why I am afraid for him.

His mother endured years of abuse from his father mental/physical and they also had 4 children (as do we 3 boys and 1 girl ironically). She left him, when he had no way of changing her mind. He went in to the hospital for open heart surgery she knew he would be there for a few weeks. She went in to visit him, left $5.00 on the table next to his bed and said have a nice life. And that was it, she never went back to him. Years later they ended up being best of friends but I know my FIL lived in a rooming house, half wau house and all my AH's siblings have memories of visiting him under sad conditions.

My brothers in law have expressed thier concerns with my AH being just like DAD.
and my Sister in law actually broke down crying to me several times about AH and seeing herself in my daughter and knowing that AH would damage my kids life as much as thier father did thiers.

Why have I ignored all of this for so long?
Why have I allowed this to go on and on ?
Why can't I just call him and tell him to be gone by the time I get home from work today?
Why am I scared to death knowing that today is Friday and another weekend is ahead of me?
Why why why - URGH Sorry
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Old 03-11-2011, 12:29 PM
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Oh StrongEnuf, ...if I could reach into my screen, across the miles, and hug you, I would.

We are very similar in many ways. My ex-MIL also told me to leave her son. In fact, her intervention was part of what helped me leave. I told myself that if a man's own mother is warning women against her son, then there's something drastically wrong with him. As weird as it might seem to some, I am still very close to my ex-MIL. She has just gotten a computer and I now email her daily, send her pictures and videos of my daughter.

It seems as though what's holding you back now is your own fear of the unknown.Even your inlaws are behind you and know that you DESERVE BETTER than your AH. They see him for what he is: a parasitic leech who will destroy his children's lives if given the opportunity.

You are lucky to have their support in this. A lot of SR members have to deal with enabling and accusing in-laws who make the separation and divorce process a lot harder.

As for your fear FOR him, let me say this: you met the man when he was 28. During his teenage years and adulthood, he didn't die because you weren't around. He did just fine, like another adult. Yes, he's learned to rely on you and use you in the past 15 years, but given a change of circumstance, he will figure things out for himself again. If he wants a place to stay and food, he can find shelter and a recovery program, free of charge, at the Salvation Army. There's help to be found out there, if you ask for it and go get it. Finally, he is not your responsibility. Shrug off that mantle because it's not yours to carry.

As for all those WHYS, simply put, you weren't ready. You hadn't reached your bottom. No sense in torturing yourself more than he already does.

I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason...and that your Higher Power (or God, or Buddha, or whatever you want to call it/him/her) is now giving you the opportunity to change your life for the better. It's time to focus on yourself and stop thinking about him.
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Old 03-11-2011, 12:47 PM
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Hey, StrongEnuf, you are so brave and strong. Do you know that?

Please know I have been in a similar situation, being afraid of how XAH would cope without me there to help him. I know how hard hearing this next was for me: He is a grown person, he knows how to live, to write amounts, dates and names on checks to pay his rent, bills, etc. He knows that he can find food at stores. He can take care of himself. That he chooses NOT to do these things doesn't mean he can't and it doesn't mean you have to do it all for him.

All I had/have to do is take care of myself and DS. Hang in there. Stay strong. Ask for the help you need to do this. Best wishes!
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Old 03-12-2011, 08:21 PM
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welcome to soberrecovery, strongenuf.

as you can see, this is a very supportive site. please keep hanging out here!

my two cents is to contact a family law attorney. the first consultation does not commit you to anything, and does not cost you anything.

the more you start finding out what you're up against instead of speculating, the better off you will be. and you will also get more courage.

ya know, maybe your husband is placating you, maybe he's manipulating (or trying) you, or maybe he is truly remorseful and wishes he could right the wrongs. but it doesn't even matter. don't evaluate him, your marriage, or the situation based on what's in his heart - it is not productive, and it will make you crazy.
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Old 03-21-2011, 01:17 PM
  # 30 (permalink)  
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I had to come back to my first post, it was only a week ago that I posted this ?!?! Oh Boy...... I think I have officially been manipulated
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