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doing the right thing.......

Old 03-11-2011, 05:20 AM
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doing the right thing.......

I've retained in my reading lately lots of men with wives who drink. The wives go out, stay out, drink and who knows what else, and all I can think is what my AH says: "Women stay with men who treat them like sh*t."

Except the opposite in this case. I guess it could be said "People stay with people who treat them like crap."

I know this to not be a real truth in all cases.

But I sit here thinking, I am a good person. I am attractive, fun, kind, caring, a good mother, and many other positive things.

I am not living with my AH. It has crossed my mind numerous times to go out and start dating, make myself available.



He certainly seems to be doing that, even with a ring on his finger.

Yet, because I am legally married to him, I won't let myself even flirt with a man.


It kind of gets old doing the right thing all the time.
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Old 03-11-2011, 05:53 AM
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But I sit here thinking, I am a good person. I am attractive, fun, kind, caring, a good mother, and many other positive things
You will certainly be all those things and more if you wait a little while.

It has crossed my mind numerous times to go out and start dating, make myself available.
Yet, because I am legally married to him, I won't let myself even flirt with a man.
I understand this completely. I was loyal until the bitter end. And then had years of celibacy.
If it is against your morals or values to flirt with a man while still married, just keep doing the next right thing. In the end, for you, it is the only way.

I am sorry it is getting old, but you are making choices now to improve yourself and your life. Keep up what works for you.

Beth
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Old 03-11-2011, 11:33 AM
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I believe that by acting with integrity myself, even when others aren't, that I will be much happier with myself down the road when I have to look back on my life.

Plus, I have to live with myself and my violations of my own ethics and values...that's a yucky feeling in the end.

Doing the right thing can sometimes be the hardest thing but its always the best thing for you in the end.

Stay strong!
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Old 03-11-2011, 11:58 AM
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Some men can't be alone or can't stand their own company. Thus even a monkey with a skirt will be attractive to them as someone else said in another thread.

It is a gift to be able to ENJOY your own company and your own solitude.

"Fun" for others does not mean it will also be fun for you.... whatever you do, do it for you, not because others are doing it. In this equation I think you are the winner, passionfruit. Why not go out with male friends? you know, those who you can trust and won't be hitting on you or anything??
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Old 03-11-2011, 12:33 PM
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What a beautiful gift of dignity & self-respect that you have given yourself ~ whenever you reach the time and place to venture out into the world of meeting others . . .

It is said we teach people how to treat us - well my friend, you are sending clear messages that you will need to be treated with respect, dignity and love. What an awesome gift to yourself and any potential partner that may enter your life.

PINK HUGS to you!
Rita
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Old 03-11-2011, 12:41 PM
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What you decide to do is up to you. It is certainly none of my business.

I personally wouldn't go out and date or make myself available, just to show my AH that I've still got it without him. I'd wait until I felt ready.

But it's not good for you to isolate yourself either. Go out with your girlfriends to see movie or have dinner. Any of your friends have kids? Get together for a picnic, a hike, or maybe a day long road trip to a place you seldom visit.

Have you considered the possibility that your AH is showing off? Go have some fun. You've earned it.
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Old 03-11-2011, 01:05 PM
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After going no-contact with XABF, I did stay isolated too long. (He had managed to completely isolate me, no friends outside work).

I started reconnecting with relatives and old friends, to undo some of the damage and build some new bridges. I also went out a few times with neighbors in my apartment building, and had some fun with them. (They are all widows, so there was a giant age gap, but it was fun for me, and safe.)
Then I started spending time with people I met through my recovery process, because these people understand what I am going through, and so we can talk about recovery or just do fun thing together.
I did eventually go out to lunch with someone at work, to dip my toe into the dating pool again. In my case, I am glad I did it, because it helped me let go of some things. That said, I'm not in a rush to do it again, I have other things to work on right now.

Do what is comfortable for you, when you are comfortable doing it.
Just don't cling to what's comfortable and familiar because it's familiar, get out and do things that make you happy.
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Old 03-11-2011, 03:18 PM
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Originally Posted by Verbena View Post
I personally wouldn't go out and date or make myself available, just to show my AH that I've still got it without him. I'd wait until I felt ready.
It has nothing to do with him. I am over him it feels like. I don't care if he thinks I've got it or not because plenty of others do. I find myself wanting to go out, but afraid to.
I want a relationship. I spent 12 years alone raising my daughter and I have made the decision this marriage is hopeless. I am ready to move on I think, but it is not the right time. I have loose ends to tie up. And his reaction if I even remove my wedding ring won't be pretty. I just find myself feeling suffocated and I don't even live with him.

Originally Posted by Verbena View Post
But it's not good for you to isolate yourself either.
I moved an hour to my husband's home town when we married. I was isolated early on. I left my job even. I was very clueless about this situation. My friends of 30 years (2 of them) waited for me, of course, but they are in my hometown 500 miles away.
I live with my daughter but, she has her own life. I essentially don't exist to her except when she needs something. I know noone. I am getting out job hunting and alanon, but have not really struck up any real friendships.



Originally Posted by Verbena View Post
Have you considered the possibility that your AH is showing off?
No. I just think he is a pig.
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Old 03-11-2011, 03:26 PM
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passionfruit, do you have any sport your like, or hobby you'd like to try (cooking lessons for instance?)
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